BECKY! Yup, and she’s brought a duffle bag of 11-hour energy drinks and Twister.
Becky: “If you don’t play Twister with me, I’m calling the cops! OH SNAP!”
Some moments, minutes, hours or perhaps light-years later, Becky’s macking on Blaine and peer pressuring him into consuming 11-hour energy drinks as they attempt to engage in a twisty game of Twister. Suddenly, Blaine realizes his bosom buddies have flown the coop and he must seek them out, like how Moses climbed Mount Sinai. Becky sprawls out on the Twister board and says “When you come back, I’ll be here.”
Blaine roams the hallowed hallways, full of aching and yearning desire, and unsurprisingly to anybody who’s been to a lock-in, he finds his besties engaged in heavy petting.
Yup, Sam and Tina are playing tonsil hockey while seated next to one another on a table — which’s awkward and uncomfortable, shouldn’t they be horizontal? — and Blaine’s absolutely horrified to witness this carnal display of heterosexual lust.
We then use invisible ink and stealth skills to steal a flashy pink car from a mean person and race all the way back to New York, New York, where Adam Lambert’s helping Santana with her lines over a fancy feast at Fake Ellen’s Stardust Diner. This is what Santana was talking about when she said she could give him money, so stop saving your pennies for that pretzel. Santana’s obviously requested Rachel wait on her because she’s being a child, and Rachel is predictably aghast.
Rachel gets all Lima Proper:
Rachel: “I gave you the apartment, I gave you Kurt, and you are never, ever, let me repeat, ever gonna play this part. Ever. Okay? But you can’t take my new best friend.”
Kurt: “You don’t own him, Rachel.”
Rachel: “I’m not speaking to you, traitor!”
Someone named Gloria has requested the servers perform the song “Gloria” and both Santana and Rachel are eager to get into the ring and sing for their lives.
It’s a shame these kids can’t work out their shit, because Santana, Rachel and Adam Lambert sound great together:
At the conclusion of the song, Rachel and Santana demand Adam Lambert decide which of them is the Prettiest Pretty Pretty Princess in all the land, and Adam Lambert is like NO THANKS.
Adam Lambert: “You know what, until you guys can figure out your stuff, I’m done. I’m done with the band. Yeah. You know what Santana, you can find a new singing partner. Rachel, you can be my roommate, but I’m not your new best gay. And Kurt, you might be used to this kind of drama, but I’m not. I’m over it.”
Back in the hallowed hallways of McKinley High, Blaine’s arbitrarily upset that Tina and Sam ruined their Trio Night by sucking face. To be fair, it was Becky who genuinely ruined Trio Night, but whatever.
Tina and Sam insist they just needed to explore their potential sexual chemistry but have since transcended their hormonal urges and would like to be a trio again. Blaine says he cannot forgive them for their misdeeds because ummmm… why anything, I guess.
Back in New York, Kurt’s attempting to mediate a conversation between Santana and Rachel Berry, the former of which suggests they duel it out Lima Heights style, which I hope includes mud wrestling.
Santana says that Rachel is a “selfish bitch,” and I hope both of them die in a fire.
Kurt: “Okay, we promised each other that we would stick by each other for two years, and you guys haven’t lasted for two months because you don’t care about anyone but yourselves. How about me? How about the fact that I lost my roommates? Or the fact that you scared off Elliot and now he wants to quit the band?”
Santana and Rachel insist that their dispute, which’s over a professional matter, won’t interfere with their professional lives. With the band. Kurt’s like, look, I don’t want this drama in my band, I’m starting a new band with Demi Lovato and Adam Lambert, it’s a trio and we’re going to kill all of your children and eat your toast after we burn your toast.
Santana’s irked that her girlfriend’s joined the new band, but Kurt’s like yup your girlfriend does not have time for your shit, she just wants to sing and have fun!
Cut to the gig, which Satana and Rachel have resentfully agreed to attend while “pretending to be friends,” which means sitting next to each other without yelling while making pissy faces at the people they are supposed to love and enjoy.
Dani’s got blue hair and is wearing a tuxedo, and the new band is called One Three Hill, and everybody LOVES it!
See for yourself:
Back in the Barbie Bushwick Dreamhouse Loft, Rachel’s pilfering through Santana’s drawer to find the thong she was wearing the night they first scissored.
Santana: “Why are you digging through my panty drawer, lezzie?”
Rachel: “Well, because before this drawer was filled with crotchless panties and stripper bras — ah! It was my scented candle drawer. Elliot’s lovely, but he seems to only know how to cook with cumin and curry.”
Santana: “Okay, can we just stop for a second about how you used to have an entire drawer dedicated to scented candles?”
The two ladies take a break to get real for one second, admitting that neither of them have any female friends, and never really had female friends in high school either, which is mostly, I think, because Ryan Murphy hates women. Rachel asks Santana why she had to go for Rachel’s part, and Santana says, “There was an opportunity and I took it, you would have done the same thing.”
Before we can get too deep, One Three Hill shows up with a cakebox and some coffees. They tell the Warring Duo that they’d all be happy to sing or eat curry together if the two can stop acting like the living embodiment of what misogynist douchebag comedians think PMS looks like.
They’re like no thanks, gtg, and Dani’s like, please stay, it’d make me feel less guilty about being okay that Kurt kicked you out of the band, but Santana just gives her an icy kiss and heads off to rehearsal. The thing about lesbians on television is you can never tell if they’re kissing chastely because they’re feeling chaste or if they’re kissing chastely because Television Is So Mean To Us.
We then get so drunk we can’t even tie our own shoes and walk all the way back to Lima, Ohio, with only our socks on, where Blaine is admitting to his sexually adventurous friends that maybe he was being a little crazy to freak out about their game of hide-the-salami.
Blaine: I thought we were gonna have the perfect senior year, and the one that we got has been so weird and really hard.
Blaine says they’ll be friends forever and then they all hug. Really they should just have a threesome, like the movie Threesome. Somebody says, “It feels so weird to think about Glee Club going on without us.” I know that somebody said that because I wrote it down in this wordpress box.
Sir William says some nonsense about accomplishing things and pizza and says they’re all ready for nationals and that next week they’re all gonna be in Los Angeles and shouldn’t forget their sunblock. They sell sunblock in Los Angeles, though, just FYI.
This last musical number is the highlight of the episode if you watch Glee stoned, which I highly recommend. It’s “Hold On” by the supreme ’90s band Wilson Phillips.
Look, you can watch THE WHOLE THING WITH YOUR EYEBALLS:
Next week on Glee, everybody’s gonna forget to bring their sunblock and then all of their faces will burn off and then they are going to become wooly mammoths, but wooly mammoths who SING. Then they’re gonna go on tour again, in 3-D, but as singing wooly mammoths. That’s what happens when you forget your sunblock!