Boobs on Your Tube: “Star” Shines With Smooching Ladies, “HTGAWM” Plays Games With Our Hearts

Welcome to Boobs on Your Tube; what a week, huh! In the wide world of pop culture, Heather ranked her favorite fictional writers and got emotional about Doctor Who. Valerie Anne recapped a punk rock episode of Legends of Tomorrow and a delightfully Alex-heavy episode of Supergirl. Kayla reviewed the witchy misandry of Sabrina and recapped a that beautifully bonkers flashback episode of Riverdale. Here’s what else!


Star 306: “Ante-Up”

Written by Carmen

If all workout videos started this way, I would’ve actually tried Zumba. Just saying.

Previously on Star, noted bisexual teen/B-list fictional celebrity Simone Davis found herself filing from divorce from her husband and standing firmly on her own two feet for what’s possibly the first time in her young adult life. Those feet led her to the bed of Nina Ferrara, the shady wife of the shady boss of Simone’s record label. Simone didn’t know that Nina was married at the time of their hookup – she was drunk from a night partying at the club – but she certainly knows Nina is married now and it’s all very messy (Like everything else on this frickin’ show! Which, honestly, is part of the delicious fun! I digress.)

Simone and Nina have been low-key flirting with each other for at least five episodes, but I was hesitant to include their secretive eye glances in Boobs On Your Tube, just in case Star decided to break my heart again, like it did last year when they decided to murder Simone’s first girlfriend in a house fire before the couple even had a chance to Brittana Scissor on camera! (Again, I digress! Back to the matter at hand!) This week, the show took that slowly steaming kettle between Nina and Simone and cranked it all the way up to piping hot cup of tea.

Earlier this season, Nina cast Simone in this upcoming small-budget film that’s supposed to further her celebrity profile/ singing career. Simone’s excited for the role, even though she’s had trouble learning the lines because of our public school system and foster care system, which are both embedded in the kind of institutionalized racism that allowed an 18 year old woman to pass through without support, leaving Simone barely literate. With Nina’s “mentorship”, she’s conquering those odds stacked against her and really coming into her own. Too bad the budget got slashed to literal zero! Now the movie is indefinitely on hold!

But wait! It can still be saved as long as Simone is willing to film a sketchy ass trailer for Instagram of her making out in a bed with her sister’s Baby Daddy her co-star, Jackson! ICK, right? You think it’s gross, I think it’s gross, Simone definitely thinks it’s gross. Which is why Nina tells Simone to think of someone she actually cares about as she films the scene. She helpfully (by which mean, very creepily) suggests Simone’s husband, but she doesn’t know that Simone is divorcing him. Simone has an even better idea – she imagines that Nina’s the one beneath her on the bed!

Hot for Mommi

Simone’s been crushing hard on her sexy boss lady forever, and this is the perfect moment. While rolling around around the bed with Jackson, in Simone’s head she’s topping Nina over and over again (a well deserved upgrade, if you ask me). Let’s not mince words: the dream sequence is very hot, even if over in a flash. And I thought that was going to be all the gay Star delivered to us this week! I was very wrong, indeed.

Simone does the much harder, adult thing. She confesses her feelings to Nina. With tears brimming the top of her brown eyes, Simone admits that their playful flirting isn’t enough for her anymore. She knows that she’s young, and Nina is married, and it’s all very complicated, but she’s tired of being Nina’s lie. She doesn’t know what any of this ball of emotion means just yet, but she knows she can’t figure it out without stepping into her truth first. Consequences be damned.

Baby gay heartbreak face. We’ve all been there, girl.

Nina Ferrera is complete hot Mommi material, but everything in my bones tells me that she is  duplicitous, bad news. In the short time we’ve known Simone, she’s survived: her rapist abusive foster father, a drug and alcohol addiction, Juvenile Detention, the death of her first girlfriend, a sham marriage of necessity, and now her own illiteracy. She’s fought back against every hardship life fucking throws at her. She deserves an honest-to-God break. She deserves love, real honest supportive love from a partner who’s willing to help her grow and hold her up as she conquers the world.

Nothing about Nina leads me to believe that she can be that person. I’m very worried about the road we’re heading.


How to Get Away With Murder 507: “I Got Played”

Written by Natalie

I should’ve known not to trust you after 53% of you voted for Trump.

The title for this week’s episode, “I Got Played”, is a reference to Annalise getting played by Gov. Kerry Weaver. You’ll recall that Annalise walked away from her job at Caplan & Gold to work with the governor on the state’s Fair Defense Project. The whole thing sounded too good to be true and — surprise! — it was. As soon as the state concocts a story about Nate Sr.’s complicity in his own death, Birkhead’s backs off her promise to launch the project. Suddenly Annalise is left with no job, no funding for her law clinic, and no way to avenge what happened to Nate Sr. It was likely the Governor’s plan all along. Yes, without a doubt, Annalise Keating got played.

But you know who also got played, dear reader? Me. I did. I got played.

For weeks now, I’ve been on Tegan and Annalise watch. I’ve been chronicling the couple’s progress towards what seemed like an inevitable hook-up. They’re both queer and sex-starved (by their own admissions!) and, despite a rocky start this season, they both seem to really like each other now. They even went salsa dancing together! Tegan actually said the words, “I kind of love her,” just last week! I believed it was going to happen.

And even though I love Annalise Keating with my whole entire heart, when the prospect of a Tegan and Michaela pairing appeared even more likely, I was (begrudgingly) okay with that. Michaela is clearly so smitten with Tegan that she’ll do anything to earn back her affection. It would’ve fit perfectly into the show’s storyline about Michaela becoming a mini-Annalise to have her step into this relationship while at law school.

The groundwork was laid for either couple to be plausible… but, oh no, because Pete Nowalk cannot let me have nice things… I got played.

Annalise reaches out to Tegan in hopes of getting her job back at C&G — she wants to get the dirt on Emmett’s misconduct in the London office and use it to blackmail her way back into the firm — but Tegan’s reluctant. Annalise sounds a little bit delusional, Tegan assumes that it’s just the grief over Nate Sr.’s death talking. She urges Annalise to get some rest instead of looking for someone to blame. Once she gets back to the office, Tegan sees Emmett finishing up an interview with Ryan Stack, a former colleague of hers. Emmett’s looking for a shark to replace Annalise and he thinks Ryan might be the perfect fit. Tegan can’t understand why she’s being overlooked, given what she’s brought to the firm. Emmett reminds her that she’s still shouldering the blame for the Antares mess.

All I want is a woman to make out with? Is that too much to ask for?

“Don’t like eating crow for the firm? Maybe this isn’t the right job for you,” Emmett tells Tegan and, at that moment, she decides to help Annalise.

Tegan hands over files from the firm’s London office to Annalise, giving her leverage on Emmett. She pauses before she hands them over. Doesn’t Annalise want to know why she changed her mind? Annalise shrugs and deadpans back, “I figured you just liked me,” which makes me to laugh despite myself.

“If you’re right about the Governor, and something in my gut tells me you are, I can’t wake up to any more headlines about innocent, unarmed black men getting shot,” Tegan professes. “Our Governor needs to be the first one we burn at the stake.”

And while part of me should cheer this — Annalise and Tegan out here like a well-dressed Batman and Robin taking out corrupt politicians and serving up justice — I am forced to admit an uncomfortable truth: I’m pretty sure we just got friendzoned. I’m always on the frenzied search for subtext, but even Tegan saying Annalise owed her one felt totally platonic. I think my favorite ship just crashed. Pete Nowalk got my hopes all upI got played.

You’re probably thinking, “Don’t worry, Natalie, there’s still hope: Michaela’s still out there, thirsting all over Tegan. Amirah Vann’s gonna get to make out with someone this season.” I admire your optimism, dear Reader, but even that ship took a big hit this week.

I’m doing this gay thing all wrong, aren’t I?

With his wedding to Conner just around the corner, Oliver organizes a “Gays Gone Wild” night to help the Keating clan forget how depressing the world is. The team works diligently to find something — anything — to implicate the cops who killed Nate’s dad in the murder, but to no avail. When they meet at the local gay club, they toast to Nate Senior and hopes that, one day, the world will be a little less maddening. We don’t get to see the party, but we do get to see Michaela curled up with a very drunk Asher at the end of the night. Thankfully she leaves him to sleep off his drunkenness alone, but she stops at Gabriel’s apartment before she leaves.

We still don’t know Gabriel’s deal yet (though he is perspective enough to call out Michaela’s crush on Tegan). Frank calls him Annalise’s “worst nightmare,” so when he invites Michaela in and pressures her hard to be his +1 to the #Coliver nuptials, I imagine Michaela’s being played too. Of course, she falls for it. Michaela always falls for it. How does a woman go out on a “Gays Gone Wild” night and end up in bed with not one, but two men? THAT’S NOT HOW GAY WORKS, MICHAELA.

So, all in all, a frustrating episode of How to Get Away With MurderWith just one episode to go until the mid-season finale, I’m not holding out much hope that Pet Nowalk rights this particular ship. We all got played.


Quick Hits

All American 104: “Lose Yourself”

New Home, Who Dis?

This week, the guys around Coop are all bringing home money — Shawn through whatever elicit activity he’s involved in and Spencer, courtesy of an allowance from his benefactor. Coop starts to wonder how she can start putting some money in her pockets. She goes to Shawn for help and much to her surprise (and mine, TBH), he gets her hooked up with a gig at the local barbershop. Bre-Z comes from a family of barbers and used cutting hair as a side hustle while she built her career in music and acting. It’s interesting to see that personal tidbit integrated into her All American character (just as it was on Empire), but favors in the hood always come with strings. Coop learns that lesson when Shawn returns to get his money from his new stash house, the barbershop. — Natalie

Coronation Street

This week on the Cobbles was so, so very gay. For the first time in a while, we got storylines featuring the shows two lesbian couples: Kate and Rana, and Sophie and Paula.

Rana’s cruise arrives a bit early and she returns to Weatherfield looking for her girlfriend. Unbeknownst to her, Kate’s gone to the docks to meet the ship, so Rana takes the opportunity to ask Johnny for Kate’s hand in marriage. The time apart has made Rana realize that Kate’s the one for her and she’s ready to put a ring on it. Johnny’s thrilled to welcome Rana in the family. He even helps stage a romantic scene for the proposal at their flat. The problem is absence has also made Kate’s heart grow fonder, and she’s trying desperately to get to Rana to propose. When the pair finally reconnect, it’s a push/pull to get the other to their preferred proposal spot until Kate eventually gives up. She pulls out her ring for Rana and then Rana pulls out her ring for Kate… and they both sink down to one knee and ask the other to get married. Both jubilantly answer yes!

If you like her then you better put a ring on it

But the happiness is short lived, as soon after they’ve exchanged rings, Kate starts talking about having a baby. Rana’s reluctant — she wants to take some time and enjoy their life together — but she, once again, opts to put someone else’s happiness ahead of her own and doesn’t say anything to Kate right away. It all feels very out of character — one of the things Kate and Rana used to have in common is a desire to see the world beyond Weatherfield — and very, very rushed. Why not give the couple some time to be happy and engaged before burdening them with this old trope?

Sophie will get her punishment later.

Meanwhile, Paula is still hard at work on Sally’s case and shows up at Sophie’s work in hopes of finagling some information out of an old friend, Julian. But when Paula treats her more like the help than her girlfriend, Sophie gets upset and storms out. Paula follows her outside and entertains Sophie’s accusations — including the suggestion that Paula’s merely a tourist when it comes to lady lovin’. Once Paula explains her motives, Sophie feels terribly. She returns and apologizes to Julian and joins the pair for lunch. They’re getting along well, until another legal friend of Paula’s shows up. He’s smug and insufferable and Sophie has no problem telling him so before leaving the table. When the girlfriends reconnect later, Sophie refuses to apologize and is shocked to learn that the man she antagonized could be the judge presiding over her mother’s trial.

I really, really want this relationship to work out for Sophie but, boy, is she making it hard. She’s clearly battling some imposter syndrome and feels like she doesn’t belong in Paula’s world. I hope she gets her act together soon. I don’t want her to lose this relationship (or me lose more chances to see Stirling Gallagher on screen). — Natalie

General Hospital

Well, I’d hoped that when GH brought Kelsey Wang on to play Daisy, it meant that Kristina Corinthos Davis would get another chance at love but, increasingly, it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen. Instead, it feels like we’re on the verge of Kristina being drawn into some bizarro cult… which, I mean, I get it on some level: the show’s made clear that Kristina feels lost and those folks are often susceptible to cult recruitment and it wouldn’t be the first time daytime’s done a cult storyline. Still, this is dreadful. There’s so much organic storytelling that’s possible for Kristina. Instead we’re getting cults. Sigh. — Natalie

Young and the Restless

It’s officially cuffing season in Genoa City.

That said, things are going swimmingly for our favorite cult alum, Mariah Copeland, on Y&R. She professed her love for her girlfriend on Halloween and she’s in that “I’m so in love” stage that’s both adorable and slightly annoying to those around them. Being in that stage for the first time can make you do things you wouldn’t normally do. So, while part of me found Mariah’s rush to move in with Tessa implausible, especially coming so soon after her mother’s break-up, another part of me gets it. This is what young love does to a person. Of course Tessa agrees and, until they can find a bigger place, they move into Tessa’s small studio apartment together (an apartment that we didn’t even know she had).

Mariah’s melancholy about moving away from the ranch, as it’s the only real home she’s ever known, but she’s still happy to be building a new home with Tessa. When Mariah tries to find some space in their new shared closet, a duffle bag tumbles out. After she runs downstairs to get the last suitcase, Tessa reveals that the bag is filled with lots of money. — Natalie

Station 19 206: “Last Day on Earth”

This is the absolute quickest of quick hits, but one of the “rescues of the week” in Thursday’s Station 19 was a woman whose wife is currently deployed overseas. It was a completely casual, off-camera mention, so there isn’t much to write about. Still, let me just say: heeeeeey family! We see you! — Carmen

The Autostraddle TV Team is made up of Riese Bernard, Carmen Phillips, Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya, Valerie Anne, Natalie, and Heather Hogan. Follow them on Twitter!

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