‘My Girlfriend Hates My Hair’

Q:

I have thick wavy dark blonde hair, and I’ve done almost every colour under the sun before and almost every length. I’ve been with my gf for almost 6 years. In our first year of dating I chopped my hair from waist length to shoulder, and I dyed it pastel pink. My gf is an honest person, for better and for worse, and at the time she didn’t like the new hair. I was initially upset but we talked about it, and at the end of the day I liked my hair so it didn’t matter. Fast forward to now. I let my hair grow out again in the years since then, but after a while I got sick of the length and tangles and having to deal with it. I didn’t tell her, but chopped it off to very short and dyed it purple. I wasn’t thrilled about the colour and because of signs of aging I also felt very insecure about the new cut. The hairdresser did exactly what I asked for though. When my gf first saw my hair (she has no poker face) she said it was a big change and that she needed some time getting used to it. She loved my long blonde (her words) hair. She hasn’t said so, but I worry she sees me as less feminine (she is a bit of a tomboy) with this hair and that that is a turnoff for her. I feel like an old lady with crazy hair, not like I affirmed my queerness which my hair has done in the past. How do I cope with this situation? I feel strong doubt when my gf calls me cute or says anything positive now because I know she hates the hair. I want to feel like myself, which neither the long mane nor the current short hair does. I also hate that her opinion of my hair makes me feel so shitty. At the end of the day I want to handle my appearance on my own. I hope I can feel better about my hair again.

A:

I just want to open by saying: I feel you. Hair is such a prominent aspect of our appearance that it becomes closely tied to identity and self. While not everyone is as experimental as you are, most people struggle to find a hairstyle that represents their identity that is also flattering and suits their lifestyle.

If you feel at all self-conscious about any of the haircuts you’ve gotten, it’s normal but please don’t. Anytime you try something and realise it’s not for you, you learn more about what suits you by elimination. That’s the silver lining to failed experiments. It’s frustrating because hair takes ages to grow back, but it will regrow and you will get to try new looks.

With all that said, you’re writing in about your relationship specifically. So let’s get into it.

Conditional love and change management

Despite all the stories we hear, most romantic relationships (and indeed, all relationships) are conditional and reciprocal. I’d go as far as to say that truly ‘unconditional’ love is incredibly rare and extremely damaging. If you actually love someone without conditions, that suggests a willingness to set aside your well-being and agency to keep someone in your life. No matter what they do. At the extreme end, crime and justice is filled with stories of families and spouses defending people convicted of heinous crimes to their last breath.

When we fall in love, we’re drawn to personality traits, appearance, and plenty of other factors. These can change and if you’re attached to those traits in their original form, you might lose some of that enjoyment. It’s normal to feel diminished attraction because a partner changes over time. Relationships endure when partners manage change and find new, interesting ways to love each other.

Certain changes are expected and common. Menopausal and metabolic changes have accompanying physical effects that are well-known. People’s hair thins out or changes color. A long life comes with loss of hearing and eyesight. Crime, illness, and accident can drastically alter the trajectory of life, and don’t get me started on major events like pregnancy.

Change also includes controllable factors. Like hairstyles. Your girlfriend loved your hair in its previous state. However, she needs to accept that it’s your hair and you can alter it when you want. Your hair will change over time whether or not she wants it, and whether you want it. I don’t know of naturally occurring instances of hair dropping off and turning purple, so I can understand why she was surprised. But surprise is not a negative outcome. Disapproval is.

Feeling less feminine

You mentioned feeling less feminine after your latest cut. Which is also understandable. Gender affirmation and bodily dysphoria are not just my domain as a trans person. The need for gender validation and comfort in the body is universal. Moreover, sudden adjustments or changes do come with an adjustment period. An example: Whenever I get a new tattoo or piercing, it takes weeks (or months) before I ‘get used’ to seeing it. Before I’m used to the new features, they feel out-of-place. This even happens when I change my body piercing jewelry. The image in the mirror is different and that can be jarring. This might be part of the wave of emotions you’re experiencing alongside disruption to your self-esteem.

The fact that your girlfriend is more of a tomboy doesn’t mean that you owe femininity to her. I always believe that I should only be beholden to my needs and whims, but I’ll consider my partners’ needs and interests. The final decision still falls to you. When I came out as trans to my then-girlfriend, we stayed together in a femme + femme relationship. That was the direction my life took and I didn’t feel like I owed her any presentation in particular.

Next steps

I’m not Reddit, so I won’t tell you to dump her immediately over this. Being in a relationship for six years is long enough to understand each other and manage difficulties. I actually think that one thing you could do to return stability is how most people handle a haircut they don’t like: wait it out.

Since you don’t immediately like this hairstyle, the usual way forward is to distract yourself and let it regrow. Once the emotional shock fades, you’ll see fresh opportunities. The dye will fade and that’ll present a chance to re-dye, change color, or return to your baseline. The regrowth will let you experiment with styles, accessories, gel, and coverings. If you lean feminine, this could be a chance for cute hair clips and headbands. If your ears are pierced, this is a great time to let those shine.

Stabilizing yourself out of this period will also give you time to reflect on your girlfriend’s responses. She might warm up or cool down with time. You’ll be able to talk to her with self-esteem that’s steadier. Given her characteristic bluntness, you’ll also have to figure out whether you want her opinion about your hairstyles or if you’d prefer she was ‘nice’ about them regardless of her opinions. Bluntness shouldn’t equal insensitivity, and there could be room to discuss that with her.

Everyone is allowed to have preferences and opinions, but we don’t have to voice them all. If I said every negative thought that came to mind, all of my grocery trips would end with death stares from strangers. The accidental insensitivity that accompanies a blunt personality might be harder to understand if your girlfriend is autistic or otherwise neurodivergent. But it’s still a learnable skill that is important to daily social interaction.

I’ve made lots of negative inferences about your girlfriend’s behavior, but I don’t believe she’s full of malice. I think she was understandably surprised at your sudden and unexpected change in appearance. You don’t need her permission, but giving notice might have prepared her. Especially if she has a hard time vocalizing her emotions around surprises.

Hair is deeply personal. In the last six years, I’ve visited a hairdresser once to trim some split ends. It’s been continuous growth with zero styling or treatment. I cherish my locks in a state as close to ‘natural’ as possible. Even though that’s my business, I like to hope that a partner wouldn’t judge me harshly if I did go for an unexpected cut or style. I’d certainly hope they were excited to see me trying new things and walk the road together.

You deserve to express yourself and be loved for who you are not who you were in someone’s ideal world. Equally, you deserve to love yourself regardless of how you look. This can take time, but it will happen.