I Think My Girlfriend Would Be Better Off Without Me

I’ve been unemployed for seven months now and it’s beginning to feel hopeless. I have advanced degrees, a great resume, and give good interviews, it’s not working. My girlfriend has to pay for almost everything. I have a solution: I move back home. This would mean we break up, I think, because home is a 5 hour plane ride away. But I wouldn’t be a financial burden to her. She says it’s okay because I help around the house (I do everything….. cooking, cleaning, etc. It’s the least I can do). I just don’t see anything changing for me if I stay. I love her so much and I am in love with her. But we are in her mid-twenties and I think she might be happier without me in her life, dragging her down. At least at home I won’t feel like a loser. What should I do?

Summer: I think you’ve got some wounded self-worth running its mouth in your head. Employment and financial contributions are valuable in a household, but it’s by far not the only useful contribution a partner can make. Almost all relationships have labour outside of jobs and anyone who can do that is also valuable to the team. Can you truly say your girlfriend would be happier without you if she’s already expressed that the current arrangement is acceptable and your departure would mean dumping all that extra labour on top of her?

I think it’s worth pointing out that household labour or housework have been consistently degraded as women’s work as part of the general misogyny inherent to society. It’s treated as unskilled work, or not worthy of direct compensation even though it’s a major structural pillar that ensures the productivity of those who benefit from housework. The characterization of housework as low value is neither true nor good for anyone’s self-worth. It’s work and it’s worthy of respect. You are contributing to the relationship in the ways you can. Your girlfriend seems to appreciate this. You seem to be trying your best. If you can, keep trying and allow your contributions to complement each other.

Valerie: The job market is so bad right now, I feel you. But the truth is: you’re trying. And that’s what matters. It sounds like your girlfriend is willing to support you during this hard time, and I’m sure you’d do the same if the situation was reversed. You have to trust her when she says she is okay. You don’t get to decide if she’d be happier without you. You can tell her this, tell her you’re worried about being a burden on her, ask her if she’d be happier if you broke up. I don’t think she would be. This situation is temporary, even if it doesn’t seem like it. If the only job you can get involves moving away, that’s a different conversation, but if you love her, and she loves you, nothing about this situation is you “dragging her down.” You say if you went home you wouldn’t “feel like a loser” but would YOU be happier if you had to break up with your girlfriend? It doesn’t sound like that solution would make either of you happy. So talk to your girlfriend, ensure she really doesn’t mind the balance of her working and you doing the cooking and cleaning, and trust what she says.

Ashni: I know you’re framing this as something you’d do for her to relieve her of the burden of supporting two adults financially, but I think this might be more about you than about her. She’s said that she’s okay with the unequal financial split. It sounds like you do all the household labor which is 1) a lot of work 2) something that people often pay for! I want to acknowledge it’s not your ideal setup. I know you’d rather be working, and I assume that your girlfriend knows that too. But it’s a difficult market, and I hope you’re giving yourself some grace while you navigate it. And the unemployment is almost certainly temporary! Moving home will solve the income disparity, but it’ll come with a distance tradeoff (if you decide to do long-distance) at best, or a separation (to your point) at worst. Your girlfriend might not want either, which could be why she’s okay with supporting both of you financially. And in any case, I don’t think you should make that decision on your own, when it really should be a joint one given that it’ll impact both of you. I really think you should talk to her. I’d lead with your feelings, not your proposed solution.

Riese: Your girlfriend is in love with you and wants to be in a relationship with you — moving away from her and breaking up because of your unemployment isn’t going to make her life easier, because she’ll be heartbroken and sad. So you wouldn’t really be helping her out at all, you’d just be making her depressed while you found a more comfortable financial situation for yourself.

Everyone in my friend group has slept with my roommate except me. I’d like to sleep with my roommate. I think she’d like to sleep with me too. It has come up bc we will get drunk and there’s sexual tension all the time!!, but she always calls it off and says it would ruin our roommate situation and would turn into an “automatic u-haul” but I’m dyinnnnggggg. It’s been only four months of this on a one year lease and I think we should just fuck and get it over with, out of our systems! one night she did say “we can fuck on [date our lease ends]” and i was like “totally” but in my head i was like “oh my god i will die.” I don’t think I would catch feelings because we’re not compatible in other ways. Please tell me I’m right. She’s extremely hot.

Summer: Not gonna tell you you’re right. Gonna tell you that ‘no means no‘ and ‘she’s listened to your interest and responded appropriately by giving you an option that respects her boundaries and your desires.’

Consent and interest are a two-way street. Take her offer or stop engaging with her.

Valerie: I agree with Summer that no means no. And also, I think it could be hot to lean into the “I’ll fuck you when the lease is up” tension. Make it flirty. IF it really is two-sided. IF she’s also flirting about it and didn’t just say you could fuck when the lease was up because you asked too many times. You say you’re sure YOU won’t catch feelings, but a) you can’t guarantee that especially since you seem so eager to sleep with her in the first place, and b) you don’t know that SHE won’t, and she’s right that an automatic u-haul situation is a recipe for disaster. I also am not sure what the fact that all your friends have slept with her except you has to do with any of this, so perhaps consider if and why you do want to sleep with her in these next few months of your lease.