‘I Find My Girlfriend’s Best Friend Insufferable’

Q:

I love my girlfriend but cannot stand her best friend, who spends a lot of time with us because she lives less than a mile away. My girlfriend has known her since college and considers her practically family. In fact, they kind of fight in similar ways to me and my sister, which was alarming to me when I first experienced it because I just…don’t fight with my friends like that! My friendships aren’t perfect and we do have little issues, but the types of fights my girlfriend has with her best friend are the types of fights I sort of only associate with family.

I’ve tried really hard to get to know her best friend, but even that task has been arduous. I realize I don’t HAVE to LIKE her but I’ve struggled to even get to know her at all, because all she does is talk about and focus on herself. Sometimes I swear her eyes go glassy when someone else is speaking if she’s not interested in whatever they’re saying. I’m not even fully convinced she listens to my girlfriend, even though she often asks her for advice. But then she rarely takes that advice, so WAS SHE listening?!

When I try to talk about this at all with my girlfriend, she immediately gets defensive. She acknowledges that her best friend is self-centered and likes the attention to be on her and isn’t always the most empathetic person, but she just sort of accepts that about her. I guess I don’t super understand where the intense loyalty comes from. My girlfriend NEVER says her best friend got her through some dark times or any of the reasons I’m sorta familiar with for keeping a friend around who behaves sorta badly. I just don’t get it. I guess I wouldn’t describe the friend as mean or actively harmful, she’s just deeply deeply insufferable and difficult for me to be around. But now I sound like the mean one. I’m not even sure what kind of advice I’m looking for. I guess I just want to understand better and hear if people have had similar experiences and what they did or didn’t do about it. I have a sense that the next time I try to say something to my girlfriend, it could turn into a fight, and I don’t want that. I just don’t really want to be around this other person but am increasingly worried she’s a package deal with my girlfriend.

A:

Yeah, I won’t lie: Your girlfriend and her best friend are kind of a package deal! When we enter into a relationship with someone, we’re also agreeing to let their other relationships into our lives, because there isn’t necessarily an easy or straightforward way to keep those things separate. Now, there are limits to that, of course. If you were dating someone with a homophobic parent and your partner wanted to maintain a relationship with said parent but you did not want to spend any time with them at all, that’s a very clear and understandable boundary line to draw (though even that would likely be difficult to navigate as the relationship progresses).

If you truly never wanted to be around your girlfriend’s best friend, you could, in theory, choose to do that. It would likely be a difficult, borderline impossible boundary to enforce though, unless you asked your girlfriend for some type of rule that she can only hang out with her best friend outside of the home and on her own time. That’s a very, very big ask, especially when we’re talking about someone you just don’t vibe with and not someone actively harming you. I’m not trying to diminish the very real frustrations you have with someone who refuses to talk about anyone but herself. I find that type of person hard to be around, too. But when I’ve encountered that type of person, I’ve found freedom in releasing myself from the expectation that they will change or that I personally can change them. I know that’s probably hard to hear because it sounds like what your girlfriend does with her, just accepting her for who she is. But it’s a bit different if you just accept her for who she is, because while I do think it would be hard and perhaps outsized to set a boundary where you somehow never spend time with this person, I don’t think you should feel any pressure to form your own friendship or let her into your life more than you need to.

I haven’t been in your exact situation, but I’ve certainly dated people in the past who had people in their lives who I did not like, including close relationships like parents or siblings. I found ways to minimize my time and investment in these people without pressuring my exes to do so, because that’s what would have created larger issues, like this fight you feel looming with your girlfriend. If your girlfriend is going out with her best friend and you’re invited, you can always say no! Or you can always ask to bring along a friend of your own so you feel like you have someone else to talk to. Spending 0 time with her is probably an unachievable goal, but whittling the time you spend with her down to a more manageable place feels doable to me. And hey, sometimes super self-centered people are better in small doses!

I understand your intense need to understand why your girlfriend maintains this friendship — especially if they fight a lot! — but you might never fully understand it, because relationships including friendships are so personal and complex. Your girlfriend might view and approach friendships in different ways from you beyond just this one person. Some people do fight with friends as if they’re siblings and it isn’t necessarily a toxic friendship in all those cases; it’s just a kind of friendship that isn’t your preference (and isn’t mine either, for what it’s worth). There are healthy ways to “fight” in relationships, and that’s true in some friendships, too. I don’t get the sense from your letter that your girlfriend has any hesitations about this friendship, so there needs to be a level of trust from you that she knows what she’s doing and that she does get something from this friendship, even if you can’t fully understand or know what that is. If your girlfriend sorta knows how her best friend can be, then she’s likely aware she isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. Is she pressuring you to get to know her more or making you spend more time with her? I didn’t get that sense from your letter, so I do think you have some control over how much time you spend with this person and how much energy you invest in her. Psychoanalyzing your girlfriend’s friendships won’t likely get you anywhere.

And for what it’s worth, your situation is pretty common in that it’s pretty typical for someone to dislike someone in their partner’s life and just have to deal with that. I’m sure a lot of readers could have similar situations with in-laws, siblings of partners, friends, etc. Dating someone often means welcoming a whole bunch of other people into your life, and that isn’t always a seamless transition.