‘I Just Got My Dream Job but I Might Lose All My Friends’

Q:

After over a year of living in the literal hell that is the job hunting world, I finally got a job offer. It’s in my field and a perfect fit. I might even call it a dream job. But it’s also over a thousand miles from where I’ve lived for the past decade of my life.

I’m 35 and have lived in my current city since post-grad. I have a close group of friends here and a life I really love. When I lost my job, they were there for me in ways I can’t even begin to repay them for. And while I am of course so relieved to have found a new job, the fact that I will have to uproot my life and move away from that support system makes me bereft. Especially because I have a lot of concerns about maintaining these friendships from a long distance. There are so many logistical things to figure out about this move, but I feel almost frozen in place by this anxiety. Am I really about to leave everyone I love behind?

It’s already so hard to regularly get together. Some of the group has married or otherwise entered into a more Adult phase of life where it just seems more difficult to make plans and see each other (why was this so much easier when we were broke and chaotic in our 20s!!!!!). Now I’m throwing multiple state lines into the mix of things that makes it harder to see my friends. This job is going to ask a lot of me, especially in the beginning, so I have no idea when I’ll be able to visit them or if anyone will be able to visit me. I grew up in a tight knit intergenerational immigrant community my grandparents cultivated when they came here and so I’ve just spent my whole life having a network of nearby loved ones and being physically close to people I know and care about. I haven’t even let my mind start thinking about making new friends in my new city because I’m so fixated on this loss. How do I start over and how do I keep these people with me at the same time?

A:

Hey, so first of all, congratulations on the job and the move. I know it’s really scary. But take it from someone who has restarted their life in a new city several times (me!): While this will come with challenges, it is also a chance for personal growth, self-discovery, and building the next chapter of your life. And while that will be filled with newness, it’s also possible to hold onto your past and your history at the same time.

Because I think that’s what the broad impulse of your question is. You understand that everything is about to change and want some things—your friendships—to remain the same. You want to carry them with you into this new part of life, especially because it sounds like they were there for you during a really hard time. So before I get into the specifics of how to do this, let me just address those broader more existential concerns. Yes, a lot is about to change. Yes, there will be things you can plan for and things you can’t. But also, YES, these people will still be a part of your life. Your life isn’t about to wipe into a clean slate. Big moves are seismic, but you are still you.

(And hey, for what it’s worth, since you mentioned growing up as part of an immigrant community, talk to that community, because if there’s anyone who understands the challenges of starting over somewhere new, it’s our immigrant parents and grandparents! If you haven’t talked to them about your fears, do so. While I don’t know your family’s specific circumstances, I bet there’s a lot of wisdom to learn from them when it comes to the idea of building a life somewhere totally new and far away from loved ones.)

Here’s some advice from me: Long distance friendships require just as much work as long distance romantic relationships. In fact, you might want to poke around Autostraddle to look at some of the many pieces we’ve published about long distance relationships; not all the information will be applicable (particularly when it comes to sex), but a lot of it does also apply to long distance friendships.

I’ve spent most of my life with close friends who live very far from me. But this became more extreme with my most recent move to a state very far away from the communities I’d built throughout my twenties. When I moved to Florida, I didn’t know anyone in the state other than the girlfriend (my now-wife) I moved here with. Most other family and close friends were at least 1,000 miles away. This made me sad and to be honest sometimes still does hit me with sadness! But I still have been able to maintain these friendships even as I’ve built this new life and continued to make new friends. But the long distance besties are still with me, all the time.

There are several ways I grapple with this. I have my group texts and my text threads with various friends, because that is indeed an easy way for us to connect. I realize that isn’t everyone’s style though and some people struggle to connect meaningfully over text. That’s valid! I have other friends who I write letters to or who write letters to me. My best friend is so good at mailing people when she’s thinking of them: She sends postcards with short missives, sometimes packages with little trinkets that remind her of me. I’ve tried to model that behavior, too, sending friends little gifts in the mail that I’ve made or bought — rarely anything fancy but also not just junk that’ll end up at the back of a drawer either. Tokens that genuinely make me think of the other person. I don’t necessarily send these on birthdays or special occasions but just whenever, as a fun surprise. Again, I learned this from another friend who I think is so good at letting people know she’s thinking of them from far away.

Another friend of mine often journals about his friends who are far away, writing down when he’s thinking of them or when he’s struck by a specific memory of them. That friend surprised me by sending me photos he snapped of his gratitude journal over the course of a year leading up to my wedding, sharing with me the entries where he wrote about how excited he was for the wedding and to see me on my special day. I was so touched by this effort that I too started journaling about my faraway friends more often, not with the intent of ever showing them but to make them feel closer in my day-to-day life. I’m surprised by how much I get from that simple practice. It makes it easier to reach out even after a big chunk of time has passed without communication.

Talk to your friends about the anxiety you’re feeling. Let them know how much you love them and how much you want to stay close with them even when away. Ask them what forms of communication they like best: phone calls, video calls, letters, texts? I don’t have a one-size-fits-all approach to how I treat each of my long distance friendships. When it comes to specific friend groups, I do like to still feel like a part of the group, so when they’re all hanging out together, I like to receive photos or group messages from them. It doesn’t give me FOMO; it makes me feel more like I can be a part of things in my own way, from a distance.

I’ve found ways to still connect with my long distance friends in a way that feels very everyday and mundane so that it’s not always some big catchall catch-up session. I ask them to weigh in on what I should wear to an event or send them a pic of what I made for dinner. It feels like they can still be part of my daily life even from a distance. For some friends, I do have to do longer catch-up phone calls, and I make a point to schedule those in my calendar. And I periodically poll friends to see who is open to spontaneous, unplanned phone calls, because I do like to do those while on long walks or solo drives so it’s good to know who’s open to receiving that.

You’re going to have to take it one day, one week, one month at a time with this move. You’ll figure out what works best for you and for your friends as you go. It might require some trial and error. You will likely have to express your own wants and needs to your friends and meet some in the middle. The friendships will be different but they can be just as meaningful, perhaps even more so! There are some friends who I’ve become even closer with after moving away, because there is another level of intimacy that’s required by the distance. Your friends already supported you through unemployment and what sounds like was a miserable job search. I am sure they are happy for you if this job is indeed your dream job. They’re sad, too, just like you are. And I think together you’re going to find ways to make it work. Friends don’t abandon each other during shifts like this. Don’t be afraid to lean on them when figuring out ways to keep them close.

But also: Don’t forget to make new friends, too. I know that isn’t the crux of your current question. But it’ll be important to forge new friendships at the same time as maintaining these other ones, otherwise you will feel too cleaved in half to really build a home. I need my local friends and long distance friends in equal measure.