Where Do I Begin With the Gay Cannon?

Q

So, I’m 26 and newly out!!! after a six-year relationship with a man. I just discovered your lovely magazine and now this website. I’m looking to dive headfirst into the lesbian canon—I want your recommendations for your top 5 must-watch/read for TV, film and books to get me started?  I’m ready to make this my entire personality for the next few months.

A:

Riese: Trying my absolute hardest to only pick five and try to stick to what feels like “cannon” to me!

Valerie: It’s my time to shine!!! I do wish I could ask you about your top three faves in each of these categories so I knew what genres or comps to give you because there are SO MANY GOOD THINGS OUT THERE (and in fact I do recommend poking around the tabs of Autostraddle for inspiration; lots of good lists to be found!) but instead I’ll just give you a variety pack.

Ashni: Wow, I’m so excited for you!! Strong +1 to Valerie’s rec to poke through the archives. Some of my favorites that haven’t already been mentioned (if nothing else, please read Plain Bad Heroines, Valerie mentioned it and I’m obsessed with it!) —

  • TV: The Ultimatum Queer Love (I needed a reality mention and it’s either this or RHONY with the new cast and frankly RHONY’s a little bit of a stretch), The L Word and the reboot, the first few seasons of The Sex Lives of College Girls (the ones with Renee Rapp in them, anyway)
  • Books: The Jasmine Throne by Tasha Suri, Mistakes Were Made by Meryl Wilsner, Feast While You Can by Mikaella Clements and Onjuli Datta, The Priory of the Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon, Kiss Her Once For Me by Alison Cochrun
  • Movies: Bottoms, But I’m A Cheerleader, The Favourite, Set It Off, I Can’t Think Straight

Summer: From me, Arcane. It’s got stellar animation, great writing and storytelling, and gayness. Honestly, I’ll defend it to the grave just because it’s adult western animation that isn’t fart comedy or ‘satire’ like South Park and Family Guy.

Both seasons of Andor aren’t lesbian-oriented shows, but they are incredibly topical, hard-hitting and well-assembled science fiction that stand on their own merit. They require no engagement with Star Wars as a whole to grasp and enjoy. And there happen to be lesbians involved. Andor is ultimately a story about insurgency, trauma, and war, so don’t expect a traditionally happy ending.

I’ll leave book recs to the readers in our authorship though.

I’m Scared To Be In Love

Q

I’m falling in love for the first time in years, and I am so happy, but also feeling so scared! I have some trauma, and I am so petrified that I’m going to mess this beautiful thing up. I’ve even had the urge to break things off now, before this wonderful person realizes that I’m all fucked up inside. Any advice for how to handle that urge? Or how to handle the fear that comes along with all this joy? Thanks.

A

Summer: Trauma works its way into our psyches by devaluing us and making us believe we’re not worthy of better treatment than that which causes trauma. Your worry that you’ll ‘mess this up’ or that this person will find you unlovable is very common among trauma survivors. I experienced it. Most of the people I know have it (and trauma.).

Most people experience trauma over a long period of sustained stress (rather than in short, sharp incidents). This means we acclimatize to trauma and essentially ‘practice’ living with it. One way out is to practice the opposite and live the opposite. That means seeing this fear as an unfortunate part of your dating experience, but one you’ll gradually adapt to and overcome. It probably won’t help if you abide by your fears and break this off UNLESS you’re only doing so with a firm plan on recovery and self-improvement afterward. If breaking it off keeps you from forming good relationships, that’s no recovery or healing. So my advice is… forge on and see how your body and mind respond to a Good Thing or make a firm plan for your healing and then leave.

Valerie: I think you just have to work on trusting your partner. Trust that they see you and know you and love you and that you can’t know if things are going to get messed up – by you, them, or an outside force – so trying to get ahead of it by breaking things off when they’re good won’t serve either of you. I think it could also be worth starting to have conversations with your partner about how you feel. Obviously you need to work on yourself and hopefully have outside resources to help you with that (e.g. a therapist) but you can also let your partner know you have some anxieties about ruining a good thing and maybe come up with small ways they can reassure you now and then when your doubts are loudest. Obviously this can’t be a constant thing, because that would be exhausting for both of you, but just small ways they can calm you down when you start to spiral about it. No use in it becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy by you cutting things off to avoid them getting bad before they get bad when they might never get bad to begin with!

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