Sex/Life is a series all about the secret sexy business of couples, throuples, exes who still fuck for some reason, LDR darlings, polyculites, and any other kind of amorous grouping your perfect heart can fathom. We send them nosey questions, they record themselves answering them, and we transcribe that conversation for all of us to enjoy. All names have been changed and any identifying details removed.

---

Jamie (23) is a femme bisexual corporate writer; Alex (22) is a transmasc butch lesbian and recent college graduate. They live together now, but spent the first year and a half of their relationship doing long distance while Alex finished school. They like museums, theatre, reading, and, in Jamie’s words, screwing. Their current living arrangement: a studio apartment with no bedframe but plenty of mirrors.

And this is how they fuck.

What was your sex life like when you first started dating, and how is that different from now?

Alex: When we first met, the sex was everything, everywhere, all at once. We were having sex constantly—canceling plans, staying up all night, sleeping in, deciding if we really had to go to class while already mid-makeout. It was exciting, drug-like, LED-lit, college dorm sex. Then we hit long distance, and things changed. It became more logistically constrained, obviously. That early stretch was wild.

Jamie: Yeah. It’s relevant that we both came into the relationship feeling like we already had sex figured out. I’d just come out of a long-term relationship, spent some time casually hooking up with guys, and thought I really knew what I was doing. And then I met you—and learned what it feels like to want someone so much it drives you a little insane. I literally told a friend I had to give up trying to seduce you or I’d spiral. And then, when we finally did start having sex, it was like that feeling multiplied.

Alex: Right. It was chaotic. I was showing up to classes late, missing deadlines, covered in hickeys. We set alarms with every intention of going, then blew them off.

Jamie: I was so aroused by you it felt sick. But the sex was incredible. No regrets. If I could dream-design the kind of sex I wanted, it was that. You were this stone butch, frequently stoned, and I was completely bottoming. It felt like a fever dream. I’d hooked up before, but I was always trying to impress people—there was always pressure to perform. With you, it was still about impressing you, but the way I tried to impress you was by coming as many times as possible. We were so physically exerted we made ourselves sick.

Alex: We gave each other the flu from sheer exertion. That happened.

Jamie: The demands of adulthood changed everything. I have to go to work. That means getting in my car. We can’t just sprint across campus. I used to skip final presentations to have sex with you. Now, I have to show up. That pressure is different. But the sex itself? When we do have sex now, it’s still incredible. Honestly, we’ve gotten better at it. We’ve learned so much about what the other likes. But we also do other things now—we have routines, shared interests, a household. We still talk all the time, but it’s not only in bed anymore.

Alex: In a twin bed! Now we have an apartment.

Jamie: And I still stand by it—it was the best sex of my life. I felt like I was waking up into a dream. Now, we’re two years in, and it’s just… less surprising. Back then we’d say, “I know it’s wild, but I think we’re going to get married.” And now people are like, “Yeah, okay.” But it still feels like that. The long distance part—because we knew it was coming—gave it this now-or-never energy. And now that we’re together again, we always remember how overwhelming it is, how strong the connection still is.

Alex: I enjoy it. The sex is really good.

How has living together impacted your sex life?

Jamie: I think what I’m most excited about now that we live together is not being in constant emotional transition. Before, when you’d come visit me, it was literally your vacation, and we were always shifting gears—from midterms, from stress, from FaceTime mode—into “Okay, now we’re together in person.” It always came with pressure to be this ideal version of ourselves: we’re young, we’re fun, we’re in love, we have to go out and drink and have sex and make memories. And now, even if one of us is stressed or having a weird day, we don’t have to stack that against the idea that this is our only “date night of the quarter.”

Alex: Right. Sometimes I’d visit you and still have midterms after break. It was hard to really settle in.

Jamie: Exactly. And now that you’re here, things will shift and moods will change, but we won’t be balancing that stress with a fixed idea of what we’re supposed to be doing as a couple in limited time. We can just be together.

Alex: It’s such a relief not to feel like we’re compressing a relationship into a window. When we were long distance, we had to work so hard to stay emotionally synced over FaceTime. We had to pack all our updates and love and check-ins into short calls between totally different lives. That takes so much regulation—and energy.

Jamie: And it creates emotional distance even when you’re trying to be close.

Alex: Exactly. I’m excited to let go of all of that and just be fully authentic with you—no filtering or translating required.

Jamie: Totally. I really don’t think you can have the kind of sex we have—the raw, connected kind—if you’re not fully emotionally synced.

Alex: Because we really, really are.

Jamie: Yeah. I love you.

Do you have a top/bottom dynamic? Talk about that.

Alex: I’d say we do.

Jamie: Yeah.

Alex: And I’d say I’m the top.

Jamie: Yeah. I’d also say I’m the bottom.

Alex: I think I knew that about you.

Jamie: What made you know?

Alex: Before we got together… well, you never really know. It’s always a fear—classic top paranoia. Like in that scene in The L Word, when Shane and the sexpert girl both realize they’re tops. The boat scene.

Jamie: Yes! Shane and the hot girl on the cruise.

Alex: Exactly. I was worried that was about to be us.

Jamie: I kissed you first. I was on top.

Alex: And I literally asked, “Can we roll over?” That was me finding out. And I found out.

Jamie: I felt like a kid eating the world’s largest candy bar before dinner. Like, is this allowed? Who’s going to yell at me? I’d spent so many years talking to friends about sexual equality and how if your partner isn’t making you feel good, get out. So the idea that I could be having this many orgasms and not doing anything to you—it felt disorienting. I remember one night where I just kissed your neck for a very long time. That was it.

Alex: It was great.

Jamie: It was incredibly hot, but confusing. I didn’t know what it meant for my identity. I felt like sexual prowess had always been a tool I used to maintain a sense of control—and with you, I didn’t have that. I was worried you weren’t falling for me as hard as I was falling for you.

Alex: You thought I had all the power?

Jamie: Yeah. Same dynamic, different method. But now, two years in, you’re still the top and I’m still the bottom. And it works. We’re extremely compatible—emotionally and sexually. You top most of the time, I come a lot, everyone’s happy.

Alex: Want me to talk about being a top?

Jamie: Go for it.

Alex: For me, being a top and being butch are deeply intertwined. I read Stone Butch Blues—or rather, I absorbed it. It sort of merged with my brain. I’m due for a reread just to separate my thoughts from Feinberg’s. But yeah, being a stone butch, being a top, it’s always been part of how I’ve experienced desire. I was having sex as a top before I even had the words for any of it. The vocabulary has shifted so much—seven times since 2015.

Jamie: You were navigating the toddler Tumblr wars at the beginning of Trump.

Alex: Exactly. It’s an isolating thing sometimes. The kind of vulnerability I experience as a top isn’t often recognized. It’s a meta vulnerability—hard to explain, harder to express. But with you, it was just easy. Before we even said anything about it, it worked.

Jamie: It felt dreamy.

Alex: We didn’t need any of the words from 2014 to now. We just talked—and we do talk—but our dynamic made sense immediately. Even though we came from different places identity-wise, it didn’t matter.

Jamie: Do you think it’s changed at all in two years?

Alex: Not really. Though I’m excited to maybe explore some kink with you. That’s a different—but related—dynamic. I think we’d be very compatible there too.

Jamie: I agree. Honestly, if you told me I’d bottom for the rest of our lives and become a full-time pillow princess, I’d be fine with that. I’d get a special pillow embroidered and everything. But what matters to me is the 5% of the time where I’m not the sub. That used to scare me—like our dynamic was set in stone (not to pun). I wish I could tell baby me that just because I’m the bottom doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to feel powerful sometimes, or to tease, or to wear something hot for you and feel like that’s a kind of power too. I’m excited to explore more of that with you.

Alex: Me too. I think it’d be sexy.

Jamie: I think you’re sexy.

Alex: You’re sexy!

Do you feel like your sex drives are well matched?

Alex: I’d say it depends when you’re asking.

Jamie: When we first got together, we both wanted to fuck constantly. I don’t know how I graduated college—it’s honestly a miracle how much grace people gave me for showing up half-functioning.

Alex: I was straight A’s through high school, but those were the proudest A’s of my life. I fought for those.

Jamie: Yeah, we couldn’t even get through lunch without screwing. We were totally matched. But other times—especially during long distance—I felt like I wanted a more active sex life than we were having. It’s hard to perceive each other when you’re not physically together. I’d send something flirty and you’d be like, “I’m in class,” and I’d feel embarrassed, even though I couldn’t have known.

Alex: Yeah, that was definitely part of the disconnect. In person, it was seamless. But long distance, we each had our own lives and issues. My sex drive really dropped, for a bunch of reasons. I was pretty depressed and anxious, and unmedicated at the time. I think you could sense that, and it was hard.

Jamie: I’m also just someone with a high sex drive. Separate from our relationship, I’ve felt like an oddity among my friends for how much I like sex.

Alex: When we first met, you thought I was asexual.

Jamie: Yeah. That’s where we started. Totally different paradigms.

Alex: I was coming from a totally different background—different identity, different context. It wasn’t just our friends who were different, it was everything we understood about sex.

Jamie: For me, I’ve had to unlearn a lot. I came into this relationship with ideas shaped by dating straight men—where they’re always expected to want sex, and you’re always gauging your desirability through that. I’ve had to unlearn the belief that if your partner doesn’t want to have sex with you, something’s wrong. That’s not true, but it’s a hard idea to shake.

Alex: And for me, I’ve gone through a whole other journey around shame. As someone who doesn’t usually want to be pleasured—it’s a very specific position. For me, sex is as much mental as it is physical. That’s where my desire lives. And that can be really hard to explain or find anyone who relates to it.

Jamie: Totally.

Alex: For a while, I felt predatory just because the context I was having sex in was so mismatched. I ended up with a lot of straight girls who just wanted someone to go down on them.

Jamie: They hated you. The football team hated you.

Alex: They did! Because I was ruining the market. I had this thing they couldn’t understand—and it wasn’t about them. But yeah, I spent a lot of time thinking about all of this. I majored in Gender, Sexuality, and Feminist Studies. By the time I met you, I had worked through a lot of it internally. What I hadn’t done was explain it to anyone else.

Jamie: And now I understand it so much more. As we’ve been together longer, I get it. And practically speaking, I like orgasms. You like giving me orgasms. So it works.

Alex: It works. And not to go full Emily Nagoski, but honestly, quality over quantity. When we do have sex, it’s incredibly intimate and hot. It’s the kind of sex where we stop only because I physically can’t keep going.

Jamie: And the more we talk about it, the more I realize that sex is a stand-in for a lot of other things. Sometimes what I want is an orgasm. Other times what I want is to know that you love all the ugly parts of me. And that second thing? That can be addressed in a million ways that aren’t necessarily sex. This whole question process has helped me realize that.

Alex: Yeah. Thanks, Autostraddle.

Jamie: Honestly, you should charge for this question set. Make cards. Sell the game. You’d have takers.

Alex: Credit me.

Jamie: The more you can talk about sex drives, the better. There’s truly nothing shameful about being on either side of the card.

Alex: Sexual desire is made to feel shameful in literally every group and community. Everyone feels it.

Jamie: I saw a tweet yesterday that said, “Sex is crazy. Why did I want to do that to you?” It’s true. We’re all weirdos.

Alex: People need to stop thinking anything is embarrassing during sex. That attitude is making us sexless.

Jamie: Exactly. Even if you’re not a sex-negative person, it still takes work to move through that.

Are there specific things you like to do during sex

Alex: When we first got together, we didn’t use a strap for the first month or so. It just didn’t come up at first.

Jamie: Yeah. We were having sex all the time, but that was new ground for both of us. You weren’t using a strap frequently before we met. I love it now—honestly, if I had to pick one thing for you to keep doing to me, it would be that. I can get myself off externally, but I can’t recreate that kind of internal orgasm. I also love riding your face. I love having my nipples sucked. I love kissing you in lots of places.

Alex: Even reading your diary, I’d say the same. That moment early on, when you just kissed my neck for a long time—it was incredibly erotic. I remember journaling about it afterward. It was that powerful.

Jamie: Yeah. I don’t think there’s anything we do that I dislike. I bottom most of the time, but I like going down on you too. I like touching your body and being close to you.

Alex: You listed a lot of the things I’d say. I love when you sit on my face—that’s why I ask for it a lot. I like using the strap on you. Before we got together, I’d only used it twice: once in college and once in high school. But it was different then—more performative. The time in high school, I literally had it with me in my car, and it just… happened. I don’t even think we talked about it. I just showed up, performed, and it wasn’t questioned. Looking back, it felt oddly trans-affirming for me.

Jamie: That’s amazing. And also hilarious.

Alex: But it’s totally different with you. You’re the first partner I’ve dated where I’ve used a strap, and it feels deeply intimate. I love that it makes you feel good. I also like anything that lets me keep kissing you. I love making out with you.

Jamie: You’re really good at neck stuff. I like the neck stuff.

Alex: Thanks. I’m trying to think if there’s anything I don’t like to do…

Jamie: I guess you don’t really like to bottom?

Alex: Yeah. I mean, I don’t love bottoming. When you do get me off, it feels amazing, and I want it in the moment—but I don’t crave it or ask for it. It deepens the connection, but it’s not something I seek out.

Jamie: I feel similarly. I like doing stuff to you, but I really enjoy bottoming. I will say, I’m just bragging now, but I love that when we use a strap, I can get fucked until I’ve had all the internal orgasms a person can have… and then I get to sit on your face. They’re such different kinds of pleasure. In the past, I never thought I could have both. I thought you picked one way to be satisfied, and that was it. But with you, I get to have all of it—until I literally cannot have any more orgasms. And that’s really hot.

What are some things you’d like to try (or try again)?

Jamie: Handcuffs. I know you tried to seduce me with your rope magic once, and I didn’t let you. And now we don’t even have a bed frame.

Alex: We really don’t. I’m proud of my apartment, but I miss the headboards from school—those slats were perfect. Honestly, when we got together, the sex was so explosive that we didn’t need to spice anything up. Even kissing felt mind-blowing.

Jamie: Right? Hand stuff felt transcendent. If it had gotten any spicier, we would’ve failed out of school. Then we went long distance, and sex became about rebuilding vulnerability just to reconnect—let alone trying something new or kinky. And as we’ve said, kink is built on trust and vulnerability. But it’s something I’m into, and something I’d like to explore again.

Alex: Same. Now that we live together, it feels possible. You being so competent—and so good at getting me off—makes things like orgasm control or denial feel really sexy.

Jamie: I remember when we played with that kind of control more in college. I wrote about it in my journal. You wouldn’t even be touching me, and I’d feel like I was at the edge of my brain’s capacity for arousal. Do that again.

Alex: We haven’t had any noise complaints yet…

Jamie: So—restraints?

Alex: Yeah. Mostly for you. But if you want to tease me sometime, I’m open to that too.

Jamie: You knew I was kinky before we even got together, didn’t you?

Alex: You definitely made it clear. I remember that first night we stayed up talking—I knew you were trying to have sex with me. You might’ve even brought up the BDSM test.

Jamie: No, no—I didn’t show you my BDSM test scores until after graduation. But Rice Purity? Absolutely.

Alex: Right. We were basically bragging to each other that we were both sexually interested and available. It was a whole mating ritual.

Jamie: Do you remember your results?

Alex: I think I blocked out everything except “not into incest or bestiality.”

Jamie: To clarify, we’ve never had pets.

Alex: What am I into? Getting you off. It’s incredibly moving for me. Physically and emotionally. There’s still so much we haven’t done. But honestly, I just think so much about how good what we do is, that I don’t always imagine new things.

Jamie: I remember the time in your dorm—you had me up against the mirror, going down on me. There were two mirrors facing each other. It was surreal.

Alex: We rarely have sex that isn’t horizontal anymore. Different surfaces. Feats of strength. I’m a stunt queen.

Jamie: You are.

Alex: With the strap-on, it’s still a different language for me. So much of the sex I had before this was disconnected from vulnerability. It was about control and confidence. I could have a lot of sex without ever opening up. But with you, it’s about invention. We’re creating something new.

Jamie: Totally. Even something like lingerie—when I wear it with you, it feels different. It has meaning. With other people, it was performative. It could mean nothing if I didn’t want it to. But with you, it’s real. It’s about wanting to feel beautiful for you. Wanting you to want me.

Alex: Even the exact same acts feel completely different when they’re honest.

Jamie: Especially when kink isn’t about bravado, but about self-revelation. With other people, calling someone “daddy” doesn’t reveal anything. It’s a signal, not a feeling. But doing those same things with you is like unzipping myself. It means something.

How important are orgasms to your sex life?

Alex: My orgasms have never really been something I considered part of my sex life with other people. They’re something I associate more with being alone—which we’ll get to later. That part of sex just isn’t what’s desirable to me. What is desirable is your orgasms.

Jamie: Yeah. I love orgasms. They’re very important to me. I probably don’t go a day without having one. When it comes to sex, I definitely want to come. I developed a bit of a complex around this when I was younger. I hit puberty early, and I was super sexually curious—but I grew up as a girl of color in a very conservative southern state, and that made my relationship to sex… complicated. Definitely a scarcity mindset.

Alex: No one gave me an orgasm until I was in college. I became sexually active at 16 and hooked up with a lot of people, but it just wasn’t happening. It wasn’t until later in college that I realized, oh—I’m not broken. They just weren’t good at this. I remember hooking up with some random guy at Myrtle Beach, and he got me off with his mouth really fast, and I was like, “Wait… so this is possible. Everyone else just sucked.” It really felt like unlocking a new level.

Jamie: I think it’s common for girls to read erotica or watch sex scenes and think the orgasm part is the fantasy—like, that’s the made-up part. But yeah, now that I’m grown and have a good sense of myself, it’s very important to me. I come pretty easily, actually.

Alex: We work hard.

Jamie: You’re amazing. Truly. I love you. But yes—sex, for me, ends when I’ve come a genuinely ridiculous number of times. In all the ways I want, maybe even ways I didn’t realize I wanted until it was happening. I love the build-up and the whole experience, but I’m definitely not someone who’s comfortable having sex without coming. So… I think we should keep dating.

Alex: Yeah. I think we’re kind of perfect.

What role does masturbation play in your sex life?

Jamie: I have a long personal history with it. I started masturbating really young—before I even knew what it was. For a long time it was something I did very privately, never talked to anyone about. But I also knew other people were doing it—I was online young, so that helped. Eventually, in middle school, I had a friend I could talk to about it, though at the time I remember thinking I was late to the game. I wasn’t, of course.

Alex: You’ve never been late to anything.

Jamie: Yeah, well. For me, masturbation has always been something I do to feel better. It’s less about chasing pleasure and more about regulating myself. Kind of like taking ten deep breaths—or smoking weed. It’s grounding.

Alex: So it’s not really tied to your sex life?

Jamie: Not exactly. When we were long distance, I was masturbating more often, and it definitely became about you. I’d think about getting you off, or doing things to you. But now that we’re together, I’m just doing that in real life, so I don’t need to fantasize. Which is the dream.

Alex: Dreams come true.

Jamie: For me, masturbation also started early—but I wasn’t good at it. There was maybe a five-year gap between when I started and when I finally gave myself an orgasm. That contributed to a weird scarcity mindset around pleasure. I also felt like an outlier among my friends. Maybe one or two admitted to doing it, and even then it was always, “Only to fall asleep,” never just for pleasure.

Alex: In college, though, I completely dropped the shame. I even hosted campus events about masturbation and sexual wellness. But I’ll admit—part of my confidence came from being with straight guys who eroticized the idea of a girl who liked sex. They had a scarcity mindset too. So I think my openness was also a way to be seen as desirable.

Jamie: Before we got together, I was probably masturbating once a day—sometimes more. Mostly because I was horny, but also as a way to stay awake, push through homework, decompress. When we started dating, I had to work through a new kind of shame. We talked earlier about sex drive mismatches, and I’ll be honest: I felt bad about how much I still needed to orgasm, especially when you weren’t around.

Alex: Long distance made it worse. My sexuality turned inward. I had this thriving sex life, but it became entirely solo. Now that you live with me, I’ve had to re-learn how to integrate that with our shared sex life. I don’t want to put pressure on you. It would feel wrong to treat you like the only way I can get what I need—like if your cooking was the only way I could eat.

Jamie: So masturbation is still important. It lets me stay levelheaded and keeps me from putting pressure on you or on us. I’ll admit it’s awkward sometimes—we live in a studio, there’s no privacy—but it helps me stay calm and grounded as we adjust to living together. And yeah, I prefer partner orgasms. Yours are better.

Alex: I prefer those for you too.

Jamie: I don’t think I have anything else to say, except that it’s funny how someone like me—who’s hosted entire events about the importance of masturbation—can still carry shame about it. But as HJamieh Montana says, nobody’s perfect. I’m really grateful these conversations are helping us move through that.

Tell us about your favorite or most memorable time you’ve had sex together.

Jamie: Now that I’m thinking about it, that time I just kissed your neck a bunch—your roommate was home, and we didn’t do anything except make out, but it was so charged. You texted me from the bathroom saying she was drunk and would pass out soon, and it’d be okay for me to stay. And then we just… didn’t touch each other, really. I kissed your neck for a long time. It was that kind of arousal where it physically hurts a little, you know? I think that was the first time you said, “I need to get off now,” and asked me to just keep doing exactly what I was doing.

Alex: That was so hot. I couldn’t imagine falling asleep without an orgasm that night.

Jamie: If I had to pick another one, I’d say the night we watched Fight Club. You were like, “I can’t believe you’ve never seen Fight Club,” and I was convinced it was just a dumb boy movie. And then it wasn’t. It was gay. It was extremely gay. And when it ended, we just had this intense, swallow-each-other-whole kind of sex. There were toys. It went on forever. And it was good—we had the good strap.

Alex: That was a great night. We’ve had a journey with the straps, but that was the good one.

Jamie: No one warns you about the bad ones. Anyway, we’ve had some of our best sex after hot media. Like when we watched Bound for the first time. Tech week during the musical—we were watching movies, exhausted from rehearsal, and then coming home and screwing. It was very reliable and very great.

Another favorite was when you came to visit me that first July after I graduated and we’d been apart for months. I remember riding you and feeling like my brain was melting down my back. It was so hot. We were sweaty, it was the Fourth of July weekend in a southern town, and it just reminded me how undone we make each other.

Alex: For me, I always think of that time we were in my dorm with the LED lights on, and we had seven hours of sex. I had a playlist going—The Police were on—and I wasn’t expecting you to come over. My roommate was gone. I remember being high in exactly the right way, and just thinking, “I can’t believe I get to have this with someone.”

Jamie: Is that the time you left your rings in the bathroom?

Alex: No, that was the art museum. We had sex in a bathroom installation at 21C—glass walls that go opaque when you lock them. It was very gender-neutral, very conceptual. We were just supposed to pee, but then it was like… of course we’re having sex in here.

Jamie: I was washing my hands thinking, “Are we about to do this?” And then you just pushed me against the wall.

Alex: We were on a time crunch, too. But yeah—great dress. I loved the skirt part.

Jamie: Thank you. And yes, we did have sex in a conceptual bathroom and then walked right back out into the museum.

Alex: One more: that first time you were face down and I was on top of you. That was new for me. It was great for cuddling too, and I just never thought of doing that position before.

Jamie: I hadn’t either. But it was great. And now we have huge windows, and we still have sex in the sunlight, and it’s nice.

Alex: I like having sex in the sun. And mirrors. I’m excited to make new favorites. We’ll get a headboard. A better strap. All the upgrades.

Jamie: Yeah. I’ve had a good time having sex with you.

Alex: Me too.

Jamie: And I’ve had an even better time dating you.

Alex: I like having sex after dates. And before dates. And during dates.

Jamie: I think in ten years, we’re going to look back and be like, “Wow, we didn’t even know how good the sex was going to get.”

Alex: Yeah. There’s some name for it that hasn’t been invented yet.

Jamie: The Euro step.

Alex: Exactly.

---

Sex/Life is a series all about the secret sexy business of couples, throuples, exes who still fuck for some reason, LDR darlings, polyculites, and any other kind of amorous grouping your perfect heart can fathom. You can join them by emailing [email protected]! (No writing experience necessary.)