Smoochy Wow-Wow and 71 Other Names We Use for Our Pets in Private

1. Tiny (such that the tiny detectives are coming to take her to tiny jail because she is too tiny)
2. Madame Floof
3. Professor Pouty Paws
4. Noodle
5. Moo Bear
6. Hair Bear
7. Little bear
8. Small bear
9. Smol bear (connotatively different)
10. Pretty bear
11. Rude bear
12. A rotating selection of seasonal baked-good-based names according to mood, such as pumpkin bread, pumpernickel, snickerdoodle, etc
14. Hoags
15. Bad Girl
16. Cloud Boy
17. Polar Bear
18. Mister Softy
19. PuppyCat
20. DJ Hoagalicious
21. Peanut Butter Boy
22. Hoaglish
23. My Sweet Angel
24. Bridge Troll
25. Lolu
26. Sea Salt Prince
27. Lolo
28. Baby Smush
29. Smushie
30. Sausage Roll
31. Superstar
32. Hoaganator
33. Sam
34. Clown Shoe
25. Sam-a-lam-a-ding-dong
36. Cinnamon Roll
37. Smoochy Wow-Wow
38. Tuba
39. Buffalo
40. Mr. Buckets
41. Mister Man
42. Samby
43. Bethany
44. Beebo
45. Screambo
46. Little Tiny
47. My Most Precious Man
48. Panther Boy
49. Silky Boy
50. Babee Boy
51. Blobby
52. Dibby
53. Lolalula
54. Dolby Digital
55. Beans
56. Beanie
57. Beam
58. Queen Beanie
59. Peach Patch Baby
60. Beeperton
61. Quabop, Creator of the Universe
62. I mostly just call her baby and ask if she knows she’s a baby and how she got so small. I often ask her if she’s aware she’s a cat, and she still seems pretty oblivious tbh.
63. you little bastard
64. Bexaroodle
65. Noodle
66. Doodle
67. Little squish
68. Pointy-elbowed asshole
69. Snake baby
70. Perfect lil cowdog
71. Pigeon
72. Pigeon in a cat suit

Pets featured below with given names; guess at your own peril.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!
Related:

the team

auto has written 779 articles for us.

42 Comments

  1. 🥰 These are the best.

    My cat is Puck, known around the house as Floofkin, or more formally Young Floof.

    He’s commonly asked, “Are you snugged?”, “Are you waking?” and “Are you a tiny man?”

  2. My guesses:
    Polar bear & cloud boy, and all variations on Hoagie, including Sausage roll, for the pyrenees whose caption says “Hoagie”

    Panther boy, Blobby & little tiny for the black cat “Dobby”

    Perfect little cow dog & all variations on Lola (incl Lolu, Lolo) for the french bulldog “Lola”

    Bexaroodle/Noodle/Doodle + little squish and baby smush/Smushie (lookit that face!) for the mixed breed “Bex”

    Madame Floof for the malamute “Mya”

    Pigeon in a cat suit for the tabby “Socks”

    Peach Patch baby, and all the bears for the curly haired golden pup “Sage”

    Bethany, little tiny, for the black kitty “Beth March”

    This is so fun, thanks for putting it together! 😊

      • I mean you might have others right, too, but I know that’s Mya because I call her that 😂

      • I mean, she just exudes floof in that pic so it felt right for her :D Also, I love her different colored eyes and speckled nose. All around adorable pupper!

    • okay EXCELLENT work identifying Hoagie’s names, although i will admit Sausage Roll did not originally belong to him! however now i shall be stealing it and christening him when i see him this evening, perhaps i shall even do so with a teeny tiny bit of sausage… he’s going to be very happy, thank you for this gift!

      ps: he is also Peanut Butter Boy, his one true Kong-filling love

      • Peanut Butter Boy makes so much sense! I was trying to figure out which cat’s coat looked most like it’s peanut butter colored that I didn’t even consider the name would be related to a dog!! And really, Sausage Roll isn’t Hoagie’s?! I thought for sure hoagie = sandwich = sausage roll :D Glad to hear it will make its way into the rotation. Now I need to re-look at all these adorable animals and figure out who is already lovingly referred to with that name. Maybe Lola?

    • Though sage is not a peach patch baby she IS indeed all of the bears, often simultaneously

  3. Our household has two cats and at least twice this many names between them, so something seems to be missing. I am concerned for the well-being of these poor fluffernutters with so few nicknames.

    • you are right, hoagie is extremely deprived and i am going to work DAY AND NIGHT to right this wrong

      (this is like when i’m taking him on a walk and we meet a stranger and he immediately lays down and flips over, exposing his stomach and demanding belly rubs, because he is simply DEPRIVED of affection and belly rubs in his own home!!!!!)

  4. My family had a cat who’s real name was Katie, which devolved into Katie B, and ultimately Bumble Bee Tuna.

    Eventually it turned into my sisters and I all calling each other bumbles.

    We currently have a cat named Stella who also goes by:
    – Miss Bum (the newest addition to the mix)
    – Speed Kitten
    – Stelly Belly
    – Grumble Muffin
    – Cinnamon or Grumpy Loaf (dependent on the mood)
    theres probably hundreds more.

  5. Haha my cat is mostly asked: how are you so perfect? How did you get so perfect? You are perfect. Perfect perfection etc. (she knows). And “little sheep” and rhymes and variations thereof: hello little sheep, sheep monkey (which rhymes in my language), but then going more into the stern monkey spectrum when she’s bad like throwing things of the table or breaking stuff – monkey, little monkey, naughty monkey.

    When she’s good I call her “little turd” or “little shit”, but expressed in the most tender way. She’s amazing, I love her so much.

  6. I love all the Hoagster variations, which I seem to have wrongly ascribed to Heather’s cats. All of these pets are beautiful, but I’m in love with Bex.

    • true life, when i contributed all of hoagie’s nicknames to the slack channel heather informed she got pinged not once but twice… petition for heather to tell us which nicknames she shares so concretely with my puppy that she has slack notifications set for them!!!

  7. Our trio of cats have many names, but my favourite matching set among them is Bingus, Bongus, and Bungus.

  8. Our two kitties have had many nicknames over the years but currently our gray 17yo is known as Old Lady Baby and our 16yo torbie is frequently called Floor Floof.

  9. Our dogs name is Gina and we often call her: beena, smush face, gina seal, gina bear, gene, baby bear, ah-bear-geen, beena boop, squeena, gina slug, sleepy bear, ms. Beena, gene bean

  10. feeling really seen by 1 and 62 in that i also tend not to use names for my pets so much as interrogate them (“why are you so tiny? how did you get so small? don’t you want to be big? i can’t even see you without a microscope. are you allowed to be that tiny?”)

    • “ARE YOU THE SMARTEST BABY? ARE YOU THE BEST MISTER MAN? ARE YOU A PERFECT ANGEL? HOW DID YOU GET SO SOFT? ARE YOU THE GOODEST BOY?!?!?!?!” — LIFE WITH HOAGIE (AND ME)

    • PRETTY SURE IT’S NOT ALLOWED FOR YOU TO BE SO TINY AND IT’S CUTE THAT YOU ARE SO TINY BUT ALSO IT’S KIND OF ILLEGAL TO BE THAT TINY SO I’M WONDERING IF YOU’VE LOOKED INTO IT AT ALL LIKE HOW TO BECOME LESS TINY? IT’S JUST THAT YOU ARE VERY VERY VERY TINY, LIKE MAYBE EVEN THE TINIEST (exaggerated shrug) I DUNNO BUT WE SHOULD FIGURE THIS OUT BEFORE YOU GET EVEN TINIER WHICH WOULD BE A NATIONAL EMERGENCY
      – me to carol every day

  13. aaAAAH this is so cute. Our cat (really our upstairs neighbour’s cat) is named Farin but we call him “boooooy!!!!! it’s the boy! you are just the cutest little boy!!! hi boy!!!!!!!”, and occasionally we just start serenading him with Lizzo’s “Boys”.

  14. My not so secret other names for my Abbie are house panther and demon in a fur suit… :P

  15. Well this was just delightful!

    My cat goes by many names, including but not limited to: Sir, Mr Sir, Mr Squish, Mr Bean, Buddy, Fluffbutt, Snugglebutt, Dummy (affectionate), Mon Petit Chou

  16. Bridge Troll 😂

    We have:

    Creeper Cat (because he likes to stare at you disconcertingly)
    Corner Cat / Smoosh-face (because he likes to lie with his face smooshed into a corner)
    Monster / ZuMonster / Trouble / Bad Kitty / Old Yeller (the stubborn and opinionated senior cat who doesn’t like anything and lets us all know it)

  18. This is fun. Can’t think of everything we call Eddie, but the list definitely includes:

    Eduardo
    Hambone
    Sandwich
    Stinky
    Stinky Ham Sandwich
    Sir Sandwich
    Sir Edmonton III
    Donkey
    Sharkapotamus Rex
    Stinkapotamus Rex
    Baba ganoush
    Handsome
    Sweet Perfect Angel

  20. Our long-hair calico is formally Patches (very creative), but since she sometimes has -ahem – hygiene issues with her fluffy backside, this has morphed into Champion Patches Poopernickel von Poopendorf.

  22. Among many other names we sometimes call our two cats tiger & panda, because while the tabby does look like a small tiger the chubby black-and-white one certainly is more of a panda than a panther.

  23. Our senior dog Theodore goes by TeeTee, mostly, and sometimes Tiny Baby or Good Boy. Our puppy Beanie goes by Beans, Beanie Baby, and “your daughter” as in “your daughter just did [something naughty].”

  24. Who’s daddy’s sweet man mr sleek mr sweet paw? Who’s the best little kitty in San Francisco? You are yes you know you are yes you are.

    Pardon me, just getting ready to lead the good kitty meditation for queer leather sangha tonight.

  25. A name that’s been passed down through generations is “Hellsapoppin” which always seems to fit.

    with or without a french accent

  26. I can’t believe Honeybunch didnt make this list! I also call my girlfriend’s cat “buddy boy”

  27. My jaw dropped at #67. Little Squish because I call my big (seriously very large) fluffy cat Lil Squish everyday. She also gets called Sweet Potato, Baby Beluga, and Bb (Beebee).

Comments are closed.