Listling With Minimal Commentary: 39 Completely Context-Free Tabloid Headlines

Autostraddle’s expansive Vapid Fluff content is subject to a neverending news cycle. Every morning, before I so much as get out of bed, I scour multiple tabloid websites in search of potential queer-friendly gossip situations. Sometimes I strike gold — Kristen Stewart may be walking through an airport in casual outerwear, holding hands with a lady — and other times I skip through page after page of meaningless garbage, cursing the circumstances of my life which led me to this bizarre fate.

Being a celebrity means that every time you eat a sandwich next to someone, you’re getting married imminently, and every fashion choice you make is usually interpreted as a secret message to the person you dated anywhere from three to ten years ago. I have unwittingly learned the names of all of the Kardashians, and I’m a lot more up-to-date on Gwen Stefani’s relationship status than I’d like. Here are some of the most amazing headlines I’ve skimmed over as I searched for news of Samira Wiley, for the good of the people.


1.

madonna
Sounds plausible.


2.

assahoy
Fair warning, there’s a lot of ass in these headlines and an awful lot of it comes from the Kardashian family.


3.

asscantwait
Well Charlotte McKinney, you’re just going to have to wait.


4.

bell
Yikes.


5.

bikinimania
BIKINIMANIAAAAAAAA


6.

birdpoop


7

.
bowling
I wish they wouldn’t call the Kardashian family a Klan.


8.

britney
SURPRISE


9.

burgerking
Because she’s pregnant, get it?!?!? Stay classy, TMZ.


10.

buttdone
That’s what she said.


11.

buttgame
I didn’t know this was even possible, but they’ve done it.


12.

coulier
Please don’t.


13.

crazyish
Paul McCartney, I like your style.


14.

cusack


15.

dakota


16.

feldman


17.

flav
Journalism!!!


18.

iggy
The only way to cope.


19.

squirrels


20.

ikea


21.

whataworld
What a world we live in.


22.

jodie


23.

junkinthetrunk
OK, I loved this one.


24.

kimsmassivebutt


25.

kylie


26.

longerhair
Oh.


27.

mailbox
…Oh.


28.

mariah


29.

marvin


30.

mileyhouse
…Although that’s not an entirely terrible idea.


31.

monkeys


32.

mortifiedmila
I would be embarrassed too.


33.

nookie
When the universe hands you a headline like this, who are you to deny it?


34.

obnoxious
That’s just like, your opinion, man.


35.

que


36.

solonely
Same.


37.

taylor
I don’t even remember what this one was about, I just relish every opportunity to tell Taylor Swift she sucks at something.


38.

vergera
“Get in line, Nick Loeb.” – Rachel


39.

again
…Again!!!

Stef Schwartz is a founding member and the self-appointed Vapid Fluff Editor at Autostraddle.com. She currently resides in New York City, where she spends her days writing songs nobody will ever hear and her nights telling much more successful musicians what to do. Follow her on twitter and/or instagram.

Stef has written 429 articles for us.

31 Comments

  1. I can’t believe that Britney Spears cheated on her sexy bikini by wearing a different sexy bikini in Hawaii!

    And I’m kinda jealous of that giant bouncing water thing that Taylor Swift has.

  2. Look, I just think that if we take into account the probable lack of transparency / price comparison opportunities in the black market organ trade, p much *everyone’s* body parts could be worth $70 million

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