Welcome to Interviews With My Ex-Girlfriend, in which Autostraddle writers get back in touch with their ex-girlfriends to ask them Five Simple Questions:
- How long did we date?
- Why did we break up?
- What did you learn from our relationship?
- What do you miss most about me?
- Would you invite me to your wedding (why/why not)?
Alex and Riese at The Spice Girls concert, January 2008
Hello it’s me, Riese. While in Big Bear for our annual senior staff retreat, I decided to interview Autostraddle co-founder Alexandra Vega about our torrid relationship, which lasted for an ambiguous amount of time in the 2007-2010 era. Intern Grace recorded the interview, which seemed to provide great entertainment for the whole family, especially the parts we had to cut.
Topics we should’ve covered but forgot to include: how everybody thought we were twin sisters, that time Alex told me she wanted to be loved like a puppy is loved. And now she’s dating a dog trainer! See everything works out for everybody in the end.
No but really — people are always amazed that Alex and I work together still, and not gonna lie, it is really fucking hard sometimes and we super-often drive each other nuts. But I think part of why our past relationship doesn’t get in the way of our working relationship is ’cause we are really different people, and we knew that from the get-go, which’s why neither of us anticipated the relationship lasting forever. We launched Autostraddle fully aware that our working relationship would outlive our romantic one (we also were broken up for around a month when Auto launched, but then got back together). We learned a lot from each other, made a few videos, wrote some articles, were supportive of one another’s dreams and had a lot of fun, though, and now we talk to each other like insane old ladies on a porch drinking moonshine!
RIESE: Okay, are you ready? Are you recording?
ALEX: What am I preparing for right now? What is this?
RIESE: This is an “Interview With Your Ex-Girlfriend.” It’s a new feature that we’re doing for Autostraddle Plus.
ALEX: You know, good luck to the person who’s going to transcribe this.
RIESE: First question — do you like anal sex?
ALEX: Are these questions about our relationship or about me as a person?
INTERN GRACE: That was Riese going off the script.
RIESE: “Do you like anal” isn’t an actual question on the list of required questions. But do you like anal?
ALEX: Yes, absolutely.
RIESE: Really? Do you like anal now?
ALEX: Are you serious?
RIESE: Okay, Alex still doesn’t like anal. Follow-up question: how long were we together and when?
ALEX: In my head it’s a year and a half.
RIESE: It’s two years and a half.
ALEX: Two years and a half? Get the fuck out of here! Oh yeah, no, you’re right. No, you’re right. Like mid-2008 to like more than mid-2010, so over two years.
RIESE: Alex is really bad at math.
ALEX: Okay, over two years. There it is.
RIESE: Although technically we were sort of seeing each other for longer than that. It was like seven months of sort-of seeing each other before we were officially together.
ALEX: While you were seeing your —
RIESE: Other girlfriend.
ALEX: Other girlfriend. Which is why I don’t count that time. Because I wasn’t emotionally invested in you because I knew that.
RIESE: Yeah, from like November 2007 until about May 2008 my ex and I were sort of trying to date again which is another story. Spring 2008 I think is when you and me “officially” started dating and then we broke up in the fall of 2010. But we did so much together before we were officially together because even though we were super-broke, we had a super-rich liar friend who took us on vacations.
ALEX: Accurate.
Riese & Alex in Disneyworld, February 2008
RIESE: Yes. And that was romantic. Next question: why did we break up, to the best of your recollection?
ALEX: You moved to San Francisco.
RIESE: And you moved to L.A. That’s it. We had the easiest break-up ever. Okay, next question: What do you miss the most about me?
[pause]
RIESE: Tell them about the toeing.
ALEX: The what?
RIESE: The toeing. The toeing!
ALEX: I miss the toeing. And the anal.
RIESE: Of course you miss the anal.
ALEX: I miss being topped by you.
RIESE: This one time Alex and I were hooking up and Alex was like, “are you still claiming to be the top in this relationship?” Anyhow, you have to be honest what you miss the most about me. Was it how your parents fell in love with me right away?
ALEX: Was it all those times that you cooked me dinner? Was it all those times we stayed up until three in the morning on our computers?
RIESE: Okay, so, here’s the thing! We started not-dating at the end of 2007, officially dating mid-2008, and didn’t launch Autostraddle until like mid-2009!
ALEX: You were still on your computer constantly, making me do stuff.
RIESE: This is about what you miss about me.
ALEX: Oh, right, okay.
RIESE: Also, the first time we met was because you were gonna design something for me after finding me through my L Word recaps, so computing brought us together.
ALEX: Yeah. Well, I was gonna design something for [your friend] Haviland, and then you were like, heeeyy..
RIESE: Am I like torturing you with this question?
ALEX: Okay. There was like — it’s hard to describe or find a word for it, but it’s probably that feeling of like — we were young, we were in New York, we were being crazy, having adventures, having fun, that sort of feeling. This New York feeling that I can’t describe, really. Because I’m not good at describing things.
RIESE: I think it’s hunger.
ALEX: Yes. Or malnutrition.
RIESE: No, not literal hunger.
ALEX: Sometimes literal.
RIESE: That’s not true. We ate food. We didn’t like live on the street with our laptops! I think it’s hunger for, like, experiences.
ALEX: Right, like I never got — I always say I’m from New York and I went to school there, but I lived a half-hour outside of New York (in Long Island), because I couldn’t afford New York. So it was like I was cheating. I was able to afford to live in New York because I would just stay at my girlfriend’s house, which was you, and then we’d be in New York, we’d do New York things together. And that was the only time in my life that I had the chance to to do that because the city is so fucking expensive I wouldn’t have had the opportunity otherwise.
Halloween 2008: Paris Hilton and Kate Moennig go on a date to Carly and Robin’s Paparazzi-Themed Halloween Party
RIESE: So you miss my apartment?
ALEX: No, I don’t miss your apartment. It was awful.
RIESE: But so you missed where my apartment was located?
ALEX: No. See, you want to be an asshole! I liked going to your apartment. I liked going to see you at your apartment. I helped you paint your apartment in Harlem! I hung out there so much with you. We were doing things that we believed in, that we dreamed of, and that was part of this New York experience. And you’re part of that. Not just the website, but being in New York, jumping on the train, experiencing all of it together.
RIESE: Okay, [your present girlfriend] Mary will approve of that answer. The thing you miss the most about me was the location of my apartment. The next question is, “What about our relationship impacted your later relationships?”
ALEX: Well, like, you were my second girlfriend. And my first girlfriend was like my everything and that puppy love and that ridiculous love you have so many feelings about. I guess our relationship was like a legitimate adult relationship where I was trying to figure out what I wanted or what I didn’t want out of life or a relationship. That’s one part. I mean, it’s complicated.
RIESE: Next question — would you at this juncture invite me to your wedding? Why or why not?
ALEX: Uh, yes. Because we own a business together.
RIESE:Â Nice!
ALEX: You know I — you know that I will always give you a hard time about everything.
RIESE: Uh huh.
ALEX: Yes, I would invite you to my wedding! Obviously.
RIESE: Yeah, no, I know you would invite me to your wedding.
ALEX: But you want to know why.
RIESE: No, I don’t, actually. That’s just the question I’m supposed to ask you, I’m not genuinely curious. It’d be super weird if you didn’t invite me to your wedding.
ALEX: Yeah, it would be weird.
RIESE: Honestly, I think things like that are normal for us because our relationship was never crazy serious. Our breakup conversation was like, “Okay well, so we’re moving, and I love you and will miss you so much, but we’re gonna live in different cities and I don’t think there’s a point in doing long distance.” And you were like, “Yeah, I feel the same way. I love you a lot and I can’t imagine my life without you, but we’re going to different cities.” And I was like, “So I guess we should break up.” And you were like, “Yeah, I guess we’ll break up at the end of the summer.” And that was that!
ALEX: It was pretty easy.
RIESE: Yeah.
ALEX: But you were — I mean, would you ever say that you were ever in love with me?
RIESE: Would you say you were in love with me?
ALEX: No, no, I wouldn’t.
RIESE: Yeah, no.
ALEX:Â I never did. I was very honest about that from the beginning.
RIESE: No, actually you did say that you were in love with me at one point.
ALEX: Well, if I — I don’t know. I don’t know if I did. I said I love you. I always loved you and I still love you. I love you.
RIESE: The time you said it, I think, was because you thought that’s what you were supposed to say? Then you said you didn’t know, it was confusing because in your last relationship, you’d gotten hurt a lot and there was all this pain and drama, and you didn’t know if that seemed more like being in love than our relationship did just because it was so painful.
ALEX: I was not aware of what those things meant. Like, “in love” versus “love.” And I was trying to figure that out at the time.
RIESE: We had a weird relationship, because we were in our twenties and we were together for a long time but we weren’t obsessed with each other or in love.
ALEX: Well, we were doing this thing, this website, that we were both are equally invested in and were involved in. It’s honestly tied us together now pretty strongly. IÂ mean, the relationship was what it was, period, but then I think when you added the website onto it in 2009, on the second year of the relationship, that added more of like, all right, we’re doing this thing together.
Keeping It Pro, Dinah Shore 2010
RIESE: Yeah. Well, I think by the end, when we were both preparing to move away and everything, it was more of a working relationship.
ALEX: Yeah. Well, that’s good to hear. Because I think that I was aware that I was not in love with you. But I loved the relationship. I thought it was like really good for me. Like when I wanted to go out and do things, you didn’t. And I did. And it was that simple. There was no like bullshit involved. Unlike my last relationship.
RIESE: Yeah, we had a weird relationship.
ALEX: Weird as in “really well-functioning”?
RIESE: Do we want to talk about when our relationship got really dramatic and you knocked over my lamp and then ran out into the snow?
ALEX: You know what’s the best part about that story? It was that you knocked over the lamp. First of all.
RIESE: No, you did!
ALEX: And second of all, do you know what we were arguing over?
RIESE: No.
ALEX: Free food at the event we had just come from and the fact that you didn’t eat it and I did.
RIESE: Really?
ALEX: Yeah, I was like, it was free! Why didn’t you eat it!?
RIESE: I had to chase you outside, and it was snowing and you had your coat on — you ran out! But you didn’t run very far.
ALEX: You wanted to catch me that quickly. You ran after me really fast. That was just such a funny, ridiculous moment where I was like, I can’t believe that happened. And we were like — I swear to god we were arguing about we had just come from an event that had free food.
RIESE: Yeah.
ALEX: And she was like — we got home and you were like, “I’m hungry” and I was like, there was food at the event and it was free!
RIESE: I didn’t like it, though!
ALEX: What the fuck?
RIESE: I didn’t like the food. What event had we gone to?
ALEX: I don’t give a fuck if you don’t like the food. It’s free, you know?
RIESE: Okay. I think that also we should mention that we had good times.
ALEX: Also that I’m Puerto Rican.
RIESE: Would you or would you not say that the primary conflict in our relationship was racial tension?
ALEX: Absolutely. Absolutely.
RIESE: We had good times because we kept making friends with super-rich generous people.
ALEX: You kept making friends with super-rich people. You have a weird karma. It’s like it’s interesting these certain patterns that you see with people. I cannot for the life of me attract a super-rich person, but you, you usually got it in the bag every time.
RIESE: Not usually though! I mean, now I really need a super-rich generous friend so I can give all of you a raise.
ALEX: It was like, as soon as we realized [REDACTED] was lying about everything, then you met [REDACTED] with her weird boss who had a $25,000 a month apartment —
RIESE: $40,000.
ALEX: I thought it was 25 grand a month. It was 40 grand a month?
RIESE:Â Oh, I don’t know. Maybe I’m making that up, I tend to exaggerate over time.
ALEX: In the Donald Trump Whatever The Fuck.
RIESE: Top of the Trump Towers. Like crazy most ridiculous fucking apartment ever.
ALEX: It was the castle in the sky that we would visit.
Robin, Carly, Riese and Alex in The Castle in the Sky, June 2009
RIESE: Actually we were working so much then that you and I eventually just moved in. We’d run around in our socks singing along to the RENT soundtrack and work all day at a table with a stripper pole in the middle. We slept on a circular bed that rotated and it had a mirror over it and there was a leopard print rug on the floor.
ALEX: It’s interesting to me that this doesn’t happen to me, but it happens to you. Because I can’t. I don’t have anybody who’s going to give me anything. It’s probably because I’m Puerto Rican.
RIESE: But I gave you things! All I do when people give me things is give them to my friends.
ALEX:Â Yes you did. That’s true.
RIESE: Maybe that’s the karma. Anyhow, so maybe what you got out of our relationship was nice food, an iPhone, an optimally located apartment, nice beds, nice hotels.
ALEX: The hotels were amazing. We had the best time on all those trips.
RIESE: We went to Miami, Disneyworld — where else did we go? I don’t remember. We went places. We got to sit in the front to see the Spice Girls in New Jersey.
ALEX: The best concert of my life.
RIESE: We got a lot of free food.
ALEX: That you didn’t eat. I’m just kidding.
RIESE: It was that one time.
ALEX: Just tying it in to the previous story.
RIESE: I know, you’re just trying to bring it back around. It’s fine.
ALEX: Are we done here?
RIESE: You lived with your parents while we were together. Can we add that?
ALEX: No!
RIESE: It’s okay, I lived with your parents too.
ALEX: Yeah, for two weeks.
RIESE: Almost a month! You are so bad at remembering how long things took!
ALEX: This is end scene. I said that. I said end scene.
RIESE: I lived with Alex’s parents for a month.
ALEX: It was during the Obama election because we were tweeting like crazy. I was on my computer like crazy.
RIESE: Yeah we were obsessed with the election and then I moved into the place on Claremont on election day. You could have said that you missed that I was smart and told you about things that you didn’t know about, like NPR.
ALEX: Yeah, actually that’s true.
RIESE: And I told you about gender.
ALEX: Okay. Going on that. Yeah, like that is true. You played a huge part in shaping who I am today and how I feel about things. I’ve always had feelings about things but I didn’t understand why or what they meant, and you were a huge piece of a very small puzzle that started putting those feelings into context for me, what those feelings meant in the real world. You were the first person who I talked to about stuff in a smart way, having smart discourse and debates. Meanwhile, and I love my parents, but my Dad has a lot of feelings and and when they talk, they just yell. They just yelled all the time! It gets really emotional. But with you, I realized, oh, it’s cool. I can have a conversation that is about something important too and not completely lose it. And we could talk about these things all the time! That discourse, that context — feminism — you brought that perspective into my life and changed me and how I felt about the world. Definitely. 100%.
RIESE: [pats herself on the back] Good job.
ALEX: Yeah, pat yourself on the back. [to the microphone]Â She’s patting herself on the back currently.
I could’ve included the photo from this wedding where Alex was wearing her bridesmaid dress but I didn’t because I’m really nice. (Long Island, 2009)
RIESE: So I guess that wraps it up. Alex broke my lamp. I made her smarter.
ALEX: You made out with [REDACTED].
RIESE: I did not. She kissed me and I pushed her away.
ALEX: You made out with [REDACTED] at Beauty Bar.
RIESE: I did not. She kissed me and I pushed her away!
ALEX: Ask anybody who was there that night!
RIESE: Alex, you were there.
ALEX: They will tell you that she made out with [REDACTED].
RIESE: They will not because that never happened! She’d barely even touched my lips when I was like “NOPE.”
ALEX: Everyone always kisses Riese and she has nothing to do with it ever.
RIESE: Okay. Okay. All right. That’s not true! That has happened like TWICE with girls. I’m usually the one who makes the first move because I’m so fucking impatient.
ALEX: I kissed you.
RIESE: Nope, I kissed you.
ALEX: In the bathroom.
RIESE: I said either you could stand in line or you could —
ALEX: Yeah, you gave me a choice.
RIESE: I said you could stand in line, or you could come in with me right now.
ALEX: Because I’m the one who had to pee, yeah.
RIESE: You didn’t pee though.
ALEX: Right! I was like, yeah, I’m single, let’s do this. This is great.
RIESE: And you never peed.
This is everything I have ever wanted since I first came to Autostraddle via the Taylor Swift / Lady Gaga article* and tried to find more articles by this brilliant person named Riese and read the Riese’s Piece about having lunch with Alex and her parents and holding hands under the table. This was in early 2010, back when commenters and writers frequently discussed their number one feeling, and described themselves as excite.
(*it was linked to in this post on of my favourite blogs: http://amptoons.com/blog/2010/02/14/what-im-reading/)
Anyway I love you all forever and Riese you are one of my Top Ten Heroic Persons and this is such the best. <3 <3 <3
No lie, I still describe myself as “excite”
awww this is so sweet!!! i remember the article you’re talking about too, it was after we lost the election in maine, i think.
also did we say “excite”? we probably were saying “excitant” i feel like, that’s our fav, but also, it’s quite possible you know me better than i know myself.
<3 <3 <3 <3
Isn’t that the name of the business? I remember buying or paying for something and I expected it to be called Autostraddle but it was Excitant (or something) and I had no idea what that was!
Yes that’s the name of our LLC!
Is it weird to say that ever since I saw Maddie’s Interview with my Ex I’ve been wondering about Riese’s and Alex’s interview with each other?
nope totally normal and supreme awesome
I have also felt this way.
Well thanks for putting this on because I said if the next installment of Interview With My Ex doesn’t have Riese and Alex all over it I’m seriously going to ask. Hahaha. mind readers.
This is good example for why we need a wider variety of terms for relationships (and a wider common understanding of how they vary, which goes hand in hand).
Also, great warm-up question.
I think that should be every warm up question especially with your exes.
tbh pretty sure this is my favourite part of A+.
Holy Shit this this made my life. I’m mentality preparing myself for an emotionally fraught Pride weekend here in Vancouver, and this was just the right about of lesbian feelings I needed to get into the right headspace.
That probably makes no sense, but thank you anyway.
*mentally (clearly something is happening in my brain)
*amount… omg there are too many mistakes. I gotta go.
!!!!!
i relate to this so much. except for the part about having rich friends.
Hahaha. I can’t with you guys.
Hahaha that was great. I would happily read transcripts of you conversations forever.
this interview makes me miss your vlogs so much. i think you guys should vlog a dramatic reading of your own transcript.
Is it too late to second this motion?
I enjoyed this so much. I’m loving that A+ has the personal touch. Looking forward to more of your conversations to keep us entertained! :)
This was the coolest. I love love love all your stories from before Autostraddle became a thing. Reading this exchange with your voices made it even better, and you guys, you have the funniest rapport.
A++
Everything makes so much sense now. Also, “Because I think that I was aware that I was not in love with you. But I loved the relationship. I thought it was like really good for me.” Needed to have this feeling validated this morning. Thanxxxx.
:)
Yes this.
Ha I’m going to comment again on this thread because it gave me thoughts.
I think what I liked about this was how much I couldn’t relate to it, and that was kinda wonderful?
Like there are lots of different ways of having relationships, and different people have different relationships, and it was nice to have a bit of insight into your relationship. If that make sense.
it does! <3
This has only further convinced me that I need an autostraddle reality show in my life. Working title: “The Really Real L Word”
but then who would recap it
Well this was excellent.
Personally, it’s come at an interesting time for me when I’ve been wondering what it means to love someone- specifically someone I’ve been sorta-seeing. We recently broke up of sorts. It’s interesting to think about loving people so deeply but perhaps not being ‘in love’. She had butterflies; I did not. I am so sad at the idea of a life without her. And I have enjoyed being close and our relationship affording me a chance to learn more about her and be there for her in ways that I would not be otherwise. It is scary/hard to think of inevitably being less close. It’s all a bit interesting.
Back to this article though. It’s interesting that as readers we can formulate a sense of who we think you staff folk are, but yet still read things that suggest something new. It’s funny to read articles on here, and delve into quite honest and personal things (or just regular things) that y’all write and start getting parts of the picture of your lives… but then still be reminded that we really have an incomplete picture. It’s funny being in the position of feeling privy to information (e.g. some of the highly personal articles in here) that in the physical world might be reserved for close friends who you know all the other key facts about already, whereas on the internet you be part of someone’s story but can still miss huge chunks of other parts of their life.
I was a queer video blogger for a while and I remember how strange/interesting it was to have people seem to understand parts of me, and how weird it felt that someone felt they had enough understanding of me and my life from those videos to compliment me or relate to me or here. It must be a curious experience for y’all.
Anyhow. I think what this boils down to is:
cute lovely thought-provoking article that came at a pertinent time
I did not know Alex was Puerto Rican
I did not know Riese was a magnet for rich friends
I did not know you were such incredibly different people (I think on here everyone seems funny and smart and nice after a while so it’s easy to believe people are more similar in other ways- maybe not true!)
it’s interesting and strange learning this
thankyou for sharing.
“Personally, it’s come at an interesting time for me when I’ve been wondering what it means to love someone- specifically someone I’ve been sorta-seeing. We recently broke up of sorts. It’s interesting to think about loving people so deeply but perhaps not being ‘in love’. She had butterflies; I did not. I am so sad at the idea of a life without her. And I have enjoyed being close and our relationship affording me a chance to learn more about her and be there for her in ways that I would not be otherwise.”
we actually broke up for about a month because it was like, well, we both know we’re not gonna get married one day, so what’s the point? i was a bit older than her and interested in marriage/kids so it seemed like it would be “unwise” to be in a relationship with no long-term prospects… but as soon as that decision was made, it seemed equally pointless not to be together when it was a thing that was fun and open and enjoyable. then autostraddle launched and around the same time, i found out the extent of the Rich Liar’s lies including lies she’d told me about how alex felt about the relationship, which is another story, but that definitely changed things. and seeing as launching a business meant there’d be no marriage/kids any time soon anyhow, we decided to un-brake up and i committed to actually trying to be a good girlfriend instead of building walls, and we built this thing! i’m definitely a person who likes to think there’s a future in something before putting too much energy into anything, but you know what sometimes life surprises you and something comes along that changes your mind about what you need.
I see I see! That adds some interesting developments to the story. It’s true that things sometimes surprise you! I think every relationship of sorts I’ve ever had has. I also find it so interesting thinking about how it would be to know when you first meet people that you’ll end up together later. It’s so interesting to think about.
Mm, I’m absolutely one who needs to see a future in things if I’m going to truly settle. With this most recent thing I basically ended up calling it off for two reasons I think: one because I wasn’t sure if I was ‘in love’, and another because I ended up feeling worse and worse about a few things that would inevitably mean we couldn’t be together in the long run- and me feeling worse and worse about these made me less fun to spend time with, and made me into someone who was less than what I think she deserved in a partner.
Like I’d feel bad about our inevitable future breakup and where I was taking her feelings in the lead-up to this and then would get sad when we were spending time together. As someone who cares about her, I know she deserves better than that. So that’s that.
Now I just want to give her a cuddle because I miss being close and I miss her and I want her to feel better. But I won’t. I’m trying to work out how to approach ‘just being friends’ (really hard as someone who is a ‘hug slut’ and whose key method of communicating and receiving care/affection is physically, and after a breakup this basically disappears- no hugs, nada!).
So I’m trying really hard to just give her all the space she needs and send no mixed messages. I really hope there’s a point she’s able to be friends. I just don’t know. Siiiigh. /rant over, obviously I have so many feels, thanx for listening x
In other news- I want to know more about this Rich Liar! But somehow I feel that’s a story you may not share on here? (The Rich Liar is rich and has eyes everywhere? Or just generally you don’t want to write exposés on other people’s faults?)
I really love a good back story.
Can’t wait to see this acted out on E True Hollywood Story
This is the best, and also makes me want to interview my exes but I’m not as good of friends with any of them as you guys are so I’m sure my interview would be more awkward than funny. ANYWAY.
In the course of reading this I clicked on one of the links to riese’s old blog and ended up reading the whole story about the couch with the dead mouse in it and cracking up because I relate to that so hard. Not the dead mouse part, but the trials and tribulations of trying to move large pieces of furniture into Harlem apartments. When my now-wife and I moved in together (in Harlem) she had a nice set of bedroom furniture that included a 5-ft-wide dresser. The movers got the dresser up to the 2nd floor and into our apartment but it wouldn’t make the turn down the hallway to the bedroom no matter what they/we tried. So it sat in the middle of our kitchen for a month until we sold it. We still have the rest of the bedroom set and I am still sometimes mad at that stupid Harlem apartment for making us sell the dresser.
omg that post came up in conversation yesterday, too! seriously probably some of my best work. g-d bless couches and tiny apartments.
rich liar friends can lead to the best and worst of times
this was great <4
Insomnia Poem #500 is, like, legitimately a real thing. Like, I would pay you $.99 on iTunes for this.
Also, I somehow fell in love with you both over the course of this interview. You make lesbian friendship look so good.
I read “And you never peed” in the most ominous voice in my head, y’all.
More stories should end like that :)