Q:

This has happened to me a few times now where I’m added to someone’s close friends on ig and don’t want to be or never really consented to it? I’m not really sure what the social norms are around this type of thing (I don’t really use the feature myself because I’m already kind of guarded in what I post on social media regardless of who the audience is). I wish it were a situation where you could yourself approve or reject being added to someone’s close friends when they add you, which to me feels less aggressive than DMing someone to ask to be taken off. Sometimes it’s like light nudes being posted and I’m not a prude I just didn’t consent to seeing all that for like a loose acquaintance or hell I mean I don’t want to see my ACTUAL close friends in life partially nude?! I also am usually scrolling ig on public transportation and it’s just shocking to suddenly see a butt close up. The nude thing feels a little more cut and dry in terms of like yeah I didn’t consent to this but I’m still struggling how to word a message to be taken off the list without it becoming a whole thing. I don’t feel VIOLATED I just feel a lil uncomfy. But yeah even beyond the nude sitch sometimes I’m also added to close friends by someone who is just like posting constant interpersonal drama about people I do not know and do not care about and I don’t really want to see that either! I’m not much of a gossip and it feels weird to get just one person’s side of a story when I barely know that one person to begin with. More recently, I was added to a friend’s ex’s close friends where their ex was kind of posting shit about them????? And like, that’s my friend! I don’t need or want to see that! WHAT are the criteria people are basing their close friends selections on?! I don’t get it!!! And how do I get OFF OF THEM!!!!

A:

Whoa okay yes, this is something I’ve thought about a lot, too, mainly because I actually do have friends who go about creating their Close Friends lists what I think is the CORRECT way and therefore it’s extremely obvious to me when people do not. I do have friends who use Close Friends lists to post light nudes, but before creating those lists, they run a poll on their regular story asking if people would like to opt in. They’ll periodically re-up the poll from time to time to see if other people want to be added OR if people want to be taken off. It’s all a very straightforward way for people to consent to receiving the content described. People reading this who use Close Friends for nudes but aren’t sure how to get people’s consent, DO THIS!!!! Please!!!!

That sort of opt in option makes a lot of sense to me, because a flaw in the platform is that there is indeed no way to easily opt OUT. This is a problem, but as far as flaws with Meta go, I suppose there are bigger fish to fry. I poked around on Reddit to make sure I was absolutely correct that there isn’t really a straightforward way to remove yourself from a Close Friends list. You can mute or block them, but that’s an imperfect solution for if you do technically want to still see this person’s posts but just not the things they’re posting on Close Friends.

You’re totally valid in your discomfort. And while you don’t personally feel violated, it’s very possible someone else might. For this reason and so many others, I do think you should message people in the event they’re posting nudes or otherwise sexually explicit content in their Close Friends list without people explicitly opting into that. I don’t want to assume bad faith; it’s possible they just haven’t really thought of it that way. But you can send a message along the lines of: hey, I don’t want to unfollow you but I’d prefer to be removed from your Close Friends list, thank you! You can truly keep it as simple as that and don’t need to be more specific if you don’t want to be. You also can include your reasoning if you want and say something like hey, since I didn’t consent to the types of images posted here, I’d prefer to be taken off! The benefit of the latter wording is that it might make them realize that they indeed should be getting people’s consent.

You’re right that it gets a little trickier when the issue is less “I didn’t consent to nudes” and more “I don’t want to hear about your drama.” Still, speaking for myself, I would prefer someone ask to be taken off my Close Friends list than unfollow me, regardless of the reason. In fact, I wouldn’t need someone to supply a reason at all. That’s maybe just me though! At the end of the day, muting might be your best option. This’ll make it so none of their stories pop up while you’re scrolling and you’ll only be able to see their stories if you go directly to their page. It’s an inelegant solution but perhaps the best at your disposal if you don’t feel like sending a message asking to be taken off. But also, send the message! I think in general people could learn to have better boundaries and practices around how they set up these lists, so normalizing pushback when you don’t want to be on a list seems okay in my book.

You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!