Next up is Kurt, doing “Some People” from Gypsy, which I also love. Every time I dream about someone, I wish I could sing so I could sing to them I HAD A DREAM A DREAM ABOUT YOU [PERSON]! Remember when he did “Rose’s Turn” and said, Then where would you be, Miss Rachel Berry?
If you’re wondering about the outfit, it’s pretty simple: Tribal MC Hammer pants, a rainproof utility vest formerly owned by a merman, a tie from the ’90s, and some honestly kickass white Doc Marten boots.
tank boy
The hole in the back of Kurt’s vest is for ventilation, and also to let any bees out if a bee flies into his vest. FYI, I am currently stone cold sober on an airplane somewhere between San Francisco and Detroit with limited battery power and a vague recollection of this episode. Bear with me.
+
Predictably enough, Jesse’s got nothing nice to say. But he has been drawing a picture of Finn’s prized posession for target practice:
artisocats
Jesse asks Kurt if he’s aware the song is traditionally sung by a woman. Kurt says that memo has been distributed, absorbed, recapped and settled upon like, before he even had buttsex for the first time.
If Will gets any more spineless he’s gonna start slouching like Finn. Then who will sing the lead at Nationals.
see the thing is, it's a bitch of a living
Backstage, the auditions have brought out the bite in these girls and they’re snapping at each other about how each of them is better than the other. One crazy train stop short of bitch-slapping each other with two cheeseburgers.
Mercedes sings “Try a Little Tenderness,” it’s pretty awesome. Will smiles and says something lifted from a greeting card or a cereal commercial and then Jesse says something pulled from his asshole, which is traditionally sung by a man. Specifically he calls Mercedes “lazy” which is, I think, racist? Right? I mean what does it take Will.
I’m gonna start a campaign to get Mercedes a fucking boyfriend (or girlfriend, whatever she’s into, not judging) because I am in fact genuinely interested in that potential storyline, since basically right now she’s I feel like they’re refusing to go any further than “sassy” or expressing “tender adolescent cliches about love” into like HER CORE. Unlike everyone else, who’s just wide open like a Bloomin’ Onion.
The trio sits up in the nosebleed seats for what will undoubtedly be a killer number from Rachel Berry, who announces that she’s going to sing the most difficult thing she’s ever sung, which is Barbara Streisand’s closing number from Funny Girl. The Autowin Award for the Worst Edit of the Year goes to the Cotton-Commercial montage of Finn’s goofy lezmug in his Varsity Jacket, smiling like he just won the Soapbox Derby and the prize was a pizza party, spliced into the opening of Lea’s song. I think it’s stock footage.
dream lover come rescue me take me in take me out take me any way you wanna baby now
At the end, it’s abundantly clear that everyone just blew our fucking eyeballs out. Perfect for all four, smiles all around, extra points for Kurt’s Mein Herr getup and Santana’s woman-of-the-night mini-dress and for you know, music in general.
huh. looks like that light bulb blew out
Jesse tells Rachel she was amazing. Will says he’s going to think a few days to think about who will be their featured soloist, he needs to go home and lie in front of his door in case someone comes over and needs a mat to wipe their toe shoes on.
Funeral alert! I don’t remember much of this scene, I tend to blackout when television programs try to manipulate my emotions instead of feed me opportunities for jokes, laughter, Santana Fucking Lopez, and celebration.
i changed my mind. let's let brittana have this scene. it's only fair
Sue begins to read her eulogy, and begins crying, like everyone does whilst reading a eulogy, but luckily her best best best friend Will Pansykidd steps up to the stage to support her OH MY GOD it wasn’t enough to make Will rap, now you’re having him read the eulogy.
michael scott would've killed this scene. KILLED IT.
Despite the aura of death and sadness and the deep questioning funerals ignite within our tortured souls, Santana and Brittany aren’t holding hands during this scene.
that was the moment when it hit sam -- will wasn't a real human. HE WAS AN ALIEN
Fun fact: I love Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory in a really serious way — I’m talking about the original, not the Johnny Depp version, you tiny tiny children. In fact — guess what quote I have on a sticky note on my desktop ALL THE TIME? THIS ONE:
Look:
During this song we see someone’s broken in to Sue’s facebook and made a photo montage video like the kind they played at graduation while playing Amy Grant. On a CASETTE PLAYER.
Also there’s a 10-piece orchestra behind that gate. Every time Artie opens his mouth I curse the day he started dating Brittany.
They look like someone died or something. Also Brittany’s wearing the dress you wore for family pictures circa Christmas 1991.
I just like this picture.
Then Quinn and Finn go into his truck to break up. Quinn tries to slow down the train to Dumpsville by reminding Finn that next year they really will be Prom King and Queen, because last time they went to prom, Finn liked it so much he punched someone else in the face. Next year he could be in charge of that! Listen Finn doesn’t care about this shit. Finn cares about FEELINGS and also about Rachel Berry. It’s hard to tell if Quinn’s hurt because she loves him, or because she loves the idea of him, or doesn’t know how to have a different idea.
Quinn sheds one tear and says, “is this feeling enough for you?” and I mean — one tear? Really? No that’s not enough feeling. You can’t shortchange a lesbian on feelings and not expect us to notice.
Brittany is filming Jesse and Will talking about who will win the big game, I mean the audition situation. This episode is really hard to remember, and I’m not just saying that because I think I maybe burned a hole in my brain due to a brief flirtation with illegal narcotics in the mid-’00s.
ok so i can take this home and make a video with santana for you
Brittany invites Jesse onto Fondue for Two. That’ll be a very very special episode!
The kids clamor around the sheet in the hall, desperate for the Big Results, but it’s just a note about a meeting. It’s like a scavenger hunt, except the prize is Will Schuster’s wax-lipped-grin and his final decision. What is it?
for less than a cup of coffee, you could support just one of the many children who need your help now
Will decides to just scratch everything they’ve done all week because they’re gonna go back to the original plan of writing, choreographing and learning original songs IN ONE WEEK. It’s gonna be Lil’ Wayne fast. Better get some syrup.
All the kittens make up and rub their little paws all over each other.
Kurt: “Actually, Santana, you sounded pretty good.”
Santana: Thanks. You guys were all pretty dope, too. Even Rachel.”
Rachel: “I wish I could sound like you do, Santana. How do you get that raspiness?”
Santana: “I smoke cigars.”
just take these words, and put them into sentences, and then BAM! sing that shit
Will says “whatever we do, we’ll do together.” Like, duh. It’s not like they’re gonna go without Kevin or something. If Will was a piece of cheese, I would grill him and I would use mayonaise instead of butter on the bread because I just read about that in Glamour Magazine.
At the end Sue tells Will she re-routed the tickets to Libya but Honey Badger saves the day with a story just about wacky enough as Honey Badger herself, and then Emma tells Will he really should stay in New York and explore her dreams and never ever come back to McKinley High and I totally agree. Mouths move, words come out, etc.
Anyhow, Sue’s not gonna be mean to Will anymore, she says. Sue kinda has to change, you know? She has an opportunity most of us don’t have when we lose somebody, which is to draw something positive out of the experience. She can become a significantly better, considerably different human. I doubt this will last, probably they will forget she died and have Sue picking flowers from her sister’s garden to take a blind kid to prom.
Sue: “In the history of our relationship, I’ve said many things to you. But there’s one thing I’ve never said: good luck. You know, I spent all this time hating you, hating that Glee Club – I do this thing where I sort of alternate which one of those kids I hate the most; right now, it’s the dancing Asian – but after what you did for my sister, I just can’t do it anymore. You have something Jean had, that I do not have: a pure heart. You’re a very good friend, William, and I have not been that to you.”
Oh, Will and his pure stupid heart. Also, Becky comes to turn in her pom-poms and I just about wanna stick a creamsicle in my eye I’m so tempted to cry about this but Sue hires her back, makes her captain of Cheerios, and then HUGS HER. Tender moment.
tender moments
Cliffhanger? Fin says he’s glad Quinn’s not quitting Glee over their breakup and Quinn says of course she’s not quitting it’d ruin her big plans for New York. What are your big plans for New York, says Finn. Ten dollars she’s got tickets to Phantom and wants to jump on the piano in FAO Schwartz like they did in Big.
if you think you liked breadsticks, just wait 'til you taste the unlimited soup salad and breadsticks at the olive garden in times square where riese used to work
My number one feeling about this episode:
don't you wish your intern was hot like mine
At the end of the show, all the bad guys are being nice and we still have no idea what’s going on with Brittany and Santana. Or Lauren and Puck. Or Mercedes. Or Kurt and Blaine and Karofsky.
Sometimes I wonder that the killer from the first season of True Blood is gonna show up with his belt ready to strangle Glee Club to death and Will will be like “You guys, he just wants to teach us Cajun dance moves and buy some taffy!”
I feel like Brittany and Santana would be really good vampires. Oh my god. Kurt would be SUCH a good vampire.
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These people who don’t even have a set list for Nationals were complaining about Jesse St. James but he was right most of the time.
Mercedes is not as hungry as Rachel even though they’re more or less on the same level talent-wise, Finn is not the best male singer (Artie is. I hate him but it’s true) and planning a funeral for someone they don’t even know is not the best use of their time when they’re so close to a competition they spent 2 years trying to get to.
That said, Jane lynch was amazing in this episode. Amazing.
Oh, but according to the writers Mercedes is hungry alright. For tater tots.
I agree. What Jesse said to the club was very accurate. They should be spending time on Nationals. Santana could have been way more emotional with the song; I mean she’s a great singer, but she draws from bitchiness more than emotion, which is her character. Kurt did amazing, and Jesse didn’t say he didn’t, but how many people can handle Kurt singing girl songs? I wish more could. I really do, and I almost want Glee Club to say fuck it, and make Kurt the lead. Mercedes also is an amazing singer, but her whole attitude on practice is wrong (I was in choir; even if you’re as good as Mercedes, you still have to practice.) As annoying as Rachel can be at times, her whole life is performing songs, which is why she often gets the solos and what not. Then again, all these characters are supposed to be teenagers…
No, no, they don’t have a week to write, choreograph, and practice their original songs! They had a week left at the beginning of the episode, and then several days passed (to plan the funeral, have the audition, etc). At best they have a couple of days to do the sort of thing that real show choirs spend months and months practicing. Given that I think Will said something about “…on the plane” in the last scene, they might just have the plane ride and the few hours before Nationals to do it.
Yeah. I kind of want to hit my head hard against my desk a few times, but I can’t because I’m in bed and I’m too lazy to get up and go to my desk.
Complaining aside, Jane Lynch was so great in this episode though! And I was very impressed by that backbend Chris Colfer did in his audition song–if you’ve ever tried that, you’ll know it’s really, really hard to do.
The lack of Brittana makes me sad. :( Is it too much to ask for Nationals to end with a heartfelt on-stage declaration of love between Brittany and Santana before they hop the state line and elope in Connecticut? I don’t think so.
1. ahhahahhaahahahahaha
2. The episode wasn’t THAAAAAT bad. I found it not at all heartwrenching, but I think it was well-constructed (although I, like you, have interest only in Brittana makeouts and found the entire thing tiresome on the whole).
3. Thank you for being in my life.
I would watch the hell out of Brittany, Santana, and Kurt just sitting around, being vampires.
Somebody please lock Ryan Murphy in his cellar so he isn’t able to write anything anymore and put it on our teevee screens and make us lose the best moments of ours lives. Please, somebody. Please.
This episode was lame. Funerals and people dying? Not even remotely fun. Especially when it’s a show about fucking show choir. Major downer. And then it was just performances back to back to back with hardly any story. Zzz. Thank god for Jesse’s snarly comments, even if having to see Will be a douche per usual annoyed me.
And lastly, OHMYFUCKINGGOD STOP GIVING LEA MICHELE SOLOS. I am so sick of hearing her sing slow, boring Broadway numbers. This shit is written into her contract because it sure as fuck doesn’t help the momentum of this show every week. Lea Michele is a good singer, but I don’t know why they act like she is better than everyone else. She isn’t. Naya is just as good. Amber is better. And Cory isn’t the best guy. Personally, I think Mark is the best.
“Being a diva is about emotion. Sometimes you have to close your eyes and turn your head and push- push your feelings away. They’re that big”
Omg THIS. Seriously, why does he have to sing EVERYTHING!?
*She
This episode was terrible. I spent at least half of it rolling my eyes and fast-forwarding. And I can be fairly obsessed with Glee.
I mostly feel that THEY felt that they needed to give Sue her own ‘very special episode’ to submit to whoever votes for the Emmy noms. Jane Lynch is amazing, but seriously.
I am convinced that Quinn’s plan is to run away to a lesbian colony with Santana.
Spin-off!
OMG that would be amazing. Yes please.
Totally what I was thinking too. We should all go join them, yes?
It’s gonne be called Colony L. Guys. Seriously. This could be a thing.
Can Colony L be in my apartment? Seriously.
Lizz and Ava: You look like twins. Are you twins?
My dream! An apartment in Tribeca would be very chic and sweet.
This recap just made my (usually unbearable) work day.
ALSO THIS:
“THAT WAS THE MOMENT WHEN IT HIT SAM — WILL WASN’T A REAL HUMAN. HE WAS AN ALIEN.”
AMAZING.
there were so many plot holes in this episode I can’t even.
I mean, how did they get the money to hire a consultant when a week ago they were selling taffy to raise money?
Also I agree that Will was a douche to let Jesse stay for so long.
Also more Brittana please.
I’m convinced/hopeful the season finale will end with them together.
Also, didn’t Ned – I mean, Sandy Ryerson give them all of his drug money for Nationals or something? Did that not happen? Am I delusional?
(not that I care – plot holes are the essence of Glee, and I actually think they make the show…better?)
I think Sandy gave the money to the mathletes or whatever group it was Ryan Murphy made up just for that one pointless episode. The Brainiacs? I cared so little I didn’t bother to remember their name. Whatever group the Glee club was trying to raise money for. Sandy gave it to them.
sandy did give the glee club money, yes, but then the next week will started talking about needing to sell taffy again. i don’t know.
also, glee couldn’t get one single person to come to their benefit concert but sue puts them on the schedule for the funeral so that she can guarantee a “full house”?
This episode was such pointless filler. The audition performances were all very good, but a waste of time. (Yes, even Santana singing “Back to Black” was a waste of time. Although her running her hands down the mic stand in such a way as to make me jealous of said mic stand – not a waste of time.)
The only plausible reasons for the death storyline were a) to have an easy way to redeem Sue’s character and b) to give Jane Lynch an Emmy reel.
Also, Jesse St. James Jesse St. Sucks. What a douche. The only reason he’s back is to draw out the Finchel drama some more.
And no Brittana = :(
yeah i agree, everything was a waste of time. besides quinn and finn breaking up AGAIN, absolutely nothing happened in this episode that will matter next week. i’m not sure what the purpose is of these episodes, they did the same thing with the one about the benefit concert — like why the hell are we spending time on THIS, you know?
Because clearly Ryan Murphy doesn’t know how to plan out a season, or storyboard, or anything that would make the plot of this show make any sense whatsoever. I started watching Glee because YAY Broadway people on my TV! but now I’m just in it for Santana.
I seriously could not agree with you any more. As a theatre kid, I was so excited when I heard about Glee for the first time, but I cannot get through one friggin episode without yelling at my tv out of frustration. DAMN YOU GLEE for introducing a lesbian storyline that I’m contractually obligated to watch due to my gayness.
actually ditto, as an accidentally constant friend-of-theater-people i’d been hearing about this show for ages before it came out and was really excited about the SINGING AND DANCING! which i still enjoy.
i actually did stop watching it mid-season one? and then picked it back up because brittany and santana were making out this one time that it was on. i’d watch bits and pieces to it while re-writing/editing other people’s recaps, which i believe we stopped doing after a while, and then re-started in season two but what’s really funny is that i’ve never once wondered what i missed w/r/t the second half of season one, because none of it has been relevant!!
With all this talk about people you love, I feel like all I did this episode was cry my eyes out, and then cry some more. All I could think about was, “Even though I’m graduating, I’ll be tethered to my family and I’ll miss them so much forever and everrrrr!” *CUE SOBBING*
Lord, I’m not even done yet and I’m already crying about missing people. Is there any hope for me to survive college/what is this I never cry?
You will survive college, and then sob/freak out again at THAT graduation. Life is a series of awesomenesses and then goodbyes. It sucks, but it’s how it works.
I just wanted to say you have the best avatar of all time.
I miss Willow and Tara and “The Body” was one of the best hours of TV I have ever seen.
Me too. They were my first introduction to shipping. The show was very metaphorical with their relationship for quite a while, even though the lesbian community picked it up from the start. Cripes, we had to wait almost a year for that kiss from “The Body”. I hope Brittana doesn’t take that long….
every day is rex manning day.
<3
Riese I absolutely love your recaps! I notice you’ve been mentioning how Mercedes needs a boyfriend in the past couple recaps so I just wanted to chime in on that subject. I’m not sure if you know about the Oprah Channel (or whatever it’s called) doing that Idol spinoff ‘The Glee Project,’ and forgive me if you know this already, but apparently Ryan Murphy has said that if a guy wins the guest role on Glee, he will be a love interest for Mercedes. http://insidetv.ew.com/2011/03/16/glee-paley-center-panel/
So hopefully she will have that boyfriend next season!
The Glee school really needs to hire a real guidance counselor because some of these characters are dangerously crazy.
Rachel: that boy threw eggs at your fucking face. Get over him. Or at least get off his balls.
Quinn: for someone who cares about image so much, why are you so pathetic? I am embarrassed. For you.
I bet one of these girls will commit a murder next season. You know, for “love.”
1. I love Mercedes. I want girlfriend to get some action. But the part of me that remembers being single and prospect-less all through high school (and most of college, but we don’t have to talk about that) also wants there to be a strong female character on this show who just doesn’t date even though she wants to and even though she’s awesome. That’s just how it is for lots of people. I wish it wasn’t Mercedes though.
2. Whenever I watch Glee, my face is doing whatever Lauren’s face is doing. How long do I have to wait for Lauren to get more face time on this situation?
I’m with you on number 1. I nominate Finn.
“…and I mean — one tear? Really? No that’s not enough feeling. You can’t shortchange a lesbian on feelings and not expect us to notice.”
HAHAHAHA hilarious!
Totally, Brittany, Santana and Kurt would make awesome vampires. I really want to see that episode!
Ryan Murphy, your existence makes me sad. Your entire purpose in your career is to write teevee and this is what you produce. If you didn’t piss me off so much I would feel sad for you.
Sometimes Sue Sylvester looks like Joyce from the L Word.
Hmmmm. Also, i loved jesse when he was on prior to egging rachel..but now he sucks hardcore.
“Sometimes Sue Sylvester looks like Joyce from the L Word.”
Touché. Honestly, I was just hoping for a “Lip Service” tangent. #iamalwayshopingforthis
Jesse St. James is SO gay. I think the Glee writers forgot how to write any not-gay characters who aren’t….wait, yeah, I think the writers forgot how to write straight people.
I was under the impression that the jessie st. james acting super gay thing was intended to be humorous, e.g. the “masculine click of my designer shoes” line?
All I can think of when I see Kurt is…you look just like Peter Pan.
This episode was just really tedious. I will rampage the streets in the manner of Godzilla if Brittana is not sorted next week.
Watching Glee is like eating 16 bags of donuts at the same time…but why all the hating on Will? He’s an unbelievable cheesy character, but in an unbelievably cheesy show, what does it matter? I only recently started watching. Did he do something specific [besides wearing all those sweater vests?]
I’m not sure. I started disliking him early on, with full blown hatred coming on right around the time he thought it was a perfectly acceptable idea for him to play Rocky in a show where his sixteen-year-old student sings a song about how much she wants to have sex with him.
totes watching true blood right now.
can i please please see some sort of santana sophie-anne leclerq situation? maybe? anybody?
My b friend (hey) just showed me your site. We are not only impressed with the incredible wit (literally laughin up the Friday night) and how organized everything is. Linkin all the references had to be a lot of work people, but it is well worth it. Keep up the great work; you just got a few new fans. =v9
The ONLY good thing about this episode was Santana’s mind-blowingly amazing job at Back to Black. My mom even initiated a conversation with me just to tell me that she liked that “Latina lesbian” rendition of Amy Winehouse. YAAAAYYYY!!!
Also, did anyone else feel uncomfortable that none of the Glee kids were appropriately dressed for a funeral? Who the hell wears red and white to a funeral!?
YES! It’s not like there’s a secret dress code for funerals that high school students couldn’t manage! It’s black, dudes. You’re in show choir, you should have at least one all black outfit.
1. This: “The Autowin Award for the Worst Edit of the Year goes to the Cotton-Commercial montage of Finn’s goofy lezmug in his Varsity Jacket, smiling like he just won the Soapbox Derby and the prize was a pizza party, spliced into the opening of Lea’s song.” Yes! Those were my feelings.
2. Not enough Santana and Brittany
3. I have similar feelings about Ilene Chaiken
4. Santana singing Back to Black… that’s now how my dreams start.
as much as shuester normally drives me insane, this episode just freaking.. i mean, he couldn’t have let becky take attendance? that’s all she did on the cheerios. he has to say NO? how and why. how and why?! i swear they design him to send me over the edge.
my number one feeling is santana. obvs, but still.
Oh, Team Furt. I love them. And Jane Lynch. And pretty much everyone except Artie (misogynistic bastard) and Will (every conviction he has changes within 5 minutes).
Just saying Imma kill anyone who doesn’t wear black to my funeral, why glee kids? why? Santana did it right.
Tell me about it. Unless the funeral organiser specifies a different dress code, you wear black and cover up for a funeral. Anything else is rude!
I totally just misread the advert for ‘Wet Seal Teen Girls’ as ‘We Sell Teen Girls’. I was quite worried for the intergrity of the site until I realised my brain is fuzzy from TOO MUCH GAYAGE.
This episode confused me ..a lot. They only have a week till they have to go to New York and they still don’t have a set list?I feel like they do have a set list but maybe I just didn’t pay action because of all the gay being thrown in my face…
I know I’m reading this really late, but if anyone scrolls down to these comments, next episode: incredibly gay song by brittany:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVhsAUi387I
Lyrics:
Brittany :
I got you in the palm of my hand
Wanna put something hot in you
So hot that you can’t stand
Gonna take you to my lips
Empty out every last drop
So thirsty for what’s in you baby
That I can’t stop
In the middle of the night, I’m in bed alone
Don’t care if you’re glass, paper, styrofoam
When I need some water, baby
Coffee or gin
You’re the only thing, I wanna put them in
My cup, My cup
Sayin’ “what’s up?”
To my cup
My cup
More of a friend than a silly pup
My cup
You know what it is
Sayin’ “What’s up?”
To my cup
(Ahh)
Sayin’ “What’s up?”
To my cup
(Ahh)
Sayin’ “What’s up?”
To my cup
(Ahh)
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