“I think the show will have a strong life in the future, whether it’s on iTunes or made available on Hulu or Netflix for long periods of time. I think people, when they found our show, really loved it. Early on, perhaps people thought it as a show for LGBT fans and even though I’ve never seen it that way — I think the show appeals to a broad audience — I do think it might have gotten that impression and maybe people didn’t sample it who didn’t feel like they fell into that audience.”
I’m sure many will blame the show’s LGBT focus for its cancellation, but I think that’s short-sighted. LGBT fans are a passionate bunch! It’s true that statistically speaking, we’re an incredibly small slice of the population, but that’s changing, especially for the teens in MTV’s target demographic. It’s also true that because of online streaming and DVR, what qualifies as “good ratings” for a show is a much smaller number than it was ten years ago. These days, we are capable of sustaining a show all on our own.
But we’re also easily discouraged and disappointed, and a lot of queer women dropped off after Amy’s ret-conning, the intensified focus on Karma and Liam, the relentless conversation around Amy and Liam’s drunken romp, and everything wrong about Reagan’s character. This lowered buzz around the show in general. I definitely don’t hear the show come up in conversation nearly as much as it used to. So was the problem not enough straight people tuning in, or too many queer women tuning out? Because although queer women objectively understand the importance of the show maintaining Shane’s gay romances and adding a gay trans guy and a bisexual guy, it won’t make them actually tune in. As indicated in the graph I made you a few weeks ago, the readership for these recaps has dropped by over 60% since Season One. That’s mostly queer women, right there! Don’t mess with us. If you let us down, we will stop watching, and we’re a big chunk of viewers these days.
But look — I think this show did mostly good things. I really do, I’m glad it existed. The lead character was a queer woman. That literally never happens. I’ve mostly even enjoyed it! It’s funny!
NOW ONTO THE RECAP!
We open in Amy’s bedroom, where she’s exhibiting stalwart devotion to the lesbian art of post-breakup processing, even though her relationship with Sabrina lasted for literally three minutes. It’s apparently been two weeks but Amy’s still pondering theories about Sabrina’s hypothetical sociopathy and her ALLEGED dairy allergy, and Karma’s still obligated to sit there and hear her out.
Well, there is another option: Karma’s parents and their girlfriend Diane would love for the girls to join them for Diane’s Way Cathartic Year-End Cleansing Ritual! Although initially turned off by a Ritual involving Karma’s parents fawning physically over Diane (bc everybody knows Amy & Diane are MTB), the prospect of burning things appeals to these budding sadists.
Amy burns Season Six of The L Word, which Sabrina apparently not only purchased on DVD but made Amy watch, which is the meanest thing any person can do to another person.
Amy then burns a box of letters and pictures, which gives me major anxiety. Doesn’t anybody here keep everything from every ex forever to use as reference for the memoir you’re gonna write? No?
Oh but um, then somehow this situation sets Karma’s whole house on fire!
LAUREN & LIAM’S LAP DANCE PAD: LAUREN YOU HAVE TO STOP HASHTAGGING #BOOPER AND ACTING LIKE WE’RE BOYFRIEND GIRLFRIEND JUST FOR SOCIAL MEDIA, THAT’S NOT COOL.
HEY LIAM I HAVE AN IDEA WHY DON’T YOU GO ALONG WITH IT AND MAKE KARMA JEALOUS HUH HOW ABOUT THAT WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT LIAM.
Thanks to the Great Fire Of 2016, Karma and Amy are now living every Karmy fan-fic writer’s dream scenario: Karma’s forced to move into Lauren’s old bedroom at Amy’s house! Farrah’s worried about potential drama or Emotions, but the ladies insist there’s no problemo there ’cause Amy just broke up with Sabrina and there’s still that thing with Felix!
“Sabrina turned out to be a whack job because I’m meant to spend New Year’s with Felix,” says Amy as I smash a carton of macaroni salad into my nasal cavities while listening to dubstep. Karma’s clearly got her heart in Felix’s sack of hearts herself, though, and it’s Farrah, not Karma, who encourages Amy to reach out to Felix and make New Year’s Eve plans!
Brew & Chew & Skip To My Lou: Shane’s stoked that his band with Noah and Karma landed a paid gig at a weird New Year’s Eve bash.
After Shane says his line, Noah busts that pop stand and Karma wants to know why everything between Shane and Noah has gone from hot-hot-hot to GOSH IT’S COLD so fast. Shane, unfortunately, cannot tell Karma anything nope not one thing! Also, Liam exists. Karma’s got no time for his silly man games, obviously Booper isn’t real, goodbye.
Prom Dress Shopping Set: Lauren can’t believe she’s helping Amy buy a dress for New Year’s! How wild! Amy explains that boys like dresses. Also, they don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses and if you want to go out on Saturday, don’t call before Wednesday. Also, the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but only if you have medical training.
Lauren, exhibiting genuine compassion, wants to know how she’s feeling about getting dumped like a hot potato by Sabrina the Teenaged Lesbian Witch. Amy insists she’s a-ok and besides doesn’t want advice from a member of #booper, a ship she refuses to believe exists for sailing purposes.
Karma’s super-duper happy for Felix and Amy having their big date and planning to kiss on New Year’s! She’s so happy she can hardly even look happy. “Might there be another reason I shouldn’t go out with Amy on New Year’s?” asks Felix, obviously hoping Karma will say I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU, TAKE ME TO CAT HEAVEN. Instead, she steals my joke as Sabrina walks past, calling her “Sabrina the Teenaged Bitch.”
Well, Sabrina has gone bananas! She’s not been eating or sleeping or watching Season Six of The L Word (#2 source of bananas), she’s just been obsessively contacting Amy who refuses to hear her swan song.
Sabrina begs Karma to help her get Amy back, because she loves Amy and needs to be with Amy forever and everybody knows that Evan is yesterday’s fish fry. THE PLOT THICKENS.
BOOPERVILLE: GUESS WHAT LAUREN, KARMA ISN’T JEALOUS OF US SHE THINKS WE AREN’T THE REAL DEAL. THAT’S BONKERS, LIAM! WE NEED TO SHOW THEM HOW REAL WE ARE/AREN’T! THAT’S A REALLY GOOD WAY TO SPEND OUR BRIEF MOMENTS OF TIME ON THIS PLANET.
Karmy’s Kastle: Amy and Karma are gushing about how cool it is to be roomies! They’re brushing their teeth together and they don’t have to go home at night!
Plus, they can have late-night dance parties to stock music played through iPhone speakers! The only problem with that last thing is that when Karma busts into Amy’s room ready to do the Tango Maureen to Eclectic Afternoon, Amy’s crying on her bed.
“How could I not see through her lies?” Amy sobs. She says that she really felt like she was falling for someone who loved her back and could give her what Karma couldn’t, and laments that she was crazy to think anything that good would ever happen to her. In this moment, the friend-type love between these two kiddos is radiant as a summer’s day, even in its ultimate sadness.
Except for the part where Karma kinda knows that Sabrina actually meant it, but isn’t saying so, because everybody on this show is a liar!
New Year’s Eve Bash Party Wild Party Time: The lovely ladies remark upon the giant crowd gathered for this stupendous ball! Everybody in the whole school must be here! Karma prods Amy regarding whether or not she’s really READY for Felix considering her deep lingering feelings for Sabrina. Amy explains that Felix likes her and Sabrina was a liar, so she owes it to MTV to see where it can go. I MEAN she owes it to herself. Karma’s clearly upset about this ’cause she wants to dip Felix’s nacho in her guacamole bowl.
Lauren and Liam show up just in time to see that Old Lisbeth is the evening’s special guest, apparently she was discovered at a Ren Fair and has her own reality show now. What does this have to do with a shiny glitter New Years Eve ball? I don’t know. Liam thought Lauren killed Old Lisbeth. Lauren loves the idea of people thinking she is a murderess! She’d be the first intersex murderess on MTV!
“You know, this was probably not the best idea for a date considering I’m an alcoholic and we both hate dancing,” says Felix, that joker! Amy tells him to keep it in his pants ’til midnight, and ensuing conversation and facial expressions convey the following message to the audience: Amy doesn’t wanna kiss Felix at midnight.
Lauren feels jealous of Old Lisbeth’s success so she gloats about her boyfriend Liam Booker until Old Lisbeth melts into a little pool of caramel and dies. Just kidding, she gets jealous.
Karma makes Liam feel like a total douchebag for pretending to be in a relationship with Lauren. Boy bye.
Meanwhile, Shane has stolen a jacket from a Contempo Casuals sale rack circa the ’90s. Pretty sure Claire Danes wore that in blue on the cover of Seveteen in 1995.
Noah’s saying he should probably leave the band when Noah is distracted because HEY-O, look who’s here!
It’s Noah’s Brother, straight out of Homophobic Relative Central Casting! Noah’s brother is an asshole. He calls Noah by his given name, calls Noah his little sister, and says Mom and Dad will take Noah back if he just drops “all this.” Noah says he cannot drop WHO HE IS. Noah’s brother remains an asshole. Then Shane shows up!
Shane: His name is Noah!
Noah: Shane don’t—
Noah’s Brother: Who the hell are you? This is between me and her.
Shane: My name’s Shane and I like butting into* other people’s business, that’s who I am. And he’s Noah, he’s a dude, and he always has been and you know how I know? Because I am super fucking gay and I couldn’t be more gay for your brother!
*at first I thought he was gonna say something about buttsex and I was so excited! But he didn’t. :-(
SO TAKE THAT, ASSHOLE. “You two freaks deserve each other,” says Noah’s brother. I think he’s talking about Shane’s jacket! Noah says he needs some air. Shane looks sad! He just did a good thing for once! Too bad Noah’s brother came all the way out here just to get dissed by somebody wearing that jacket.
LOOK LAUREN, I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE. MY NAME IS LIAM AND I DON’T TELL LIES. THIS ISN’T ME. BUT LIAM I NEED THIS BECAUSE IT’S ALL I HAVE ON OLD LISBETH.
OK FINE LIAM WE CAN BREAK UP JUST LEMME FRESHEN UP BRB JK NEVER COMING BACK
Karma’s outside texting somebody and that somebody turns out to be SABRINA! She’s eaten, she’s sleepen, probably somebody took that bitch to Red Lobster. So Karma marches back into the party with her hot friend Sabrina, who thanks Karma for “doing this” for her. Karma says she’s not doing it for Sabrina, she’s doing it for Amy. (And also obviously for herself, come on Karma!)
Amy spots Sabrina and Karma and Sabrina says “AMY. LISTEN TO ME. PLEASE,” like she’s a child actress playing Oliver Twist (her root). Amy explains that she is on a date with Felix, and nobody is allowed to ruin her date with Felix! This is a lot of pressure on poor Felix. No seriously guys. Poor Felix. This guy, right? He’s going to refuse to make friends with lesbians in college at this rate.
Lauren’s dodging Liam when Old Lisbeth shows up to say a series of terrible things, concluding with “A girl like you dating Liam Booker? What’s more inspirational than that!” I wish I’d been serious about her melting into a puddle of caramel and dying.
Shane and his jacket find Noah outside being sad. Is their band ever playing or what? “Hearing him misgender you like that, I lost it,” says Shane. Also! He meant what he said about liking Noah a whole bunch in a gay way and is sorry for seeming like he didn’t see Noah for who he really is. Noah forgives him. Shane asks what happens if he says something wrong again and Noah tells him “you’re Shane Harvey, it’s pretty much a guarantee.” Also this show got cancelled, so, SAVED BY THE CLOSING BELL, HARVEY.
AMY’S READY. Put her in, coach! She’s ready, she’s got her breath mints and her lip gloss and she’s ready for that midnight kiss! Felix isn’t sure that Amy’s ready. Amy is SO READY FELIX. Yeah, no, Felix isn’t convinced. Neither am I. (She’s not ready.)
Luckily, neither of us have to wait another minute because you guys YOU GUYS. Karma gets up on the microphone and says she needs Amy’s attention, please! Karma tells literally everybody that even though she, Karma, “hates Sabrina’s guts,” she wants Amy to be happy.
Everybody is totally entertained by this. What A New Year’s Treat For Us All. Well, it’s Sabrina’s turn:
Sabrina: Amy, I am so so sorry. I was pretending to be questioning to get closer to you, to beat Karma, really. But then I realized why I really did it. Amy Raudenfield, I’m in love with you, and I think I have been since camp, and all the lying, the possessiveness has been about that. And I know it sounds weird but lying about my sexuality made me see the truth. But I know what I want now, I want you. Is there any way you could find it in your heart to give me a second chance?”
AWWW. See! I knew it. I knew from all those camp videos that Sabrina was really a lesbian who just needed to see Amy in her donut shirt and then come out. Also though she obviously is still a bitch, I hope she works on that.
Good news, everybody: Amy CAN forgive her!
I cry, WHAT NO I’M NOT CRYING, everybody cheers, they kiss! Karma looks sad, and Felix ducks out.
After an invigorating commercial break, we return to the weirdest New Year’s Eve Party ever, where Old Lisbeth is reminding everybody that it’s almost midnight and she still has an Israeli bodyguard.
Everybody counts down together because they love math. Lauren and Liam kiss and it turns out that they liked it and so their whole world flips upside-down.
Sabrina and Amy are the happiest clams at the cookout!
Karma and Shane and Noah sing “Auld Lang Syne” while casting various meaningful glances around the room.
Karma apologizes to Felix for ruining his date with Amy, she just really wanted Amy to be happy. Felix says that’s okay, even though him and Amy do have a lot in common, like that they both wanted to kiss somebody besides each other at midnight. He kisses Karma, and then Karma kisses him right back! Everybody loves somebody!
And that, my friends, is all she wrote. That’s it! That’s the end of this story. AMY FINALLY GETS A GIRLFRIEND WHO GOES TO HER SCHOOL AND NOW THE SHOW IS OVER FOREVER. Well, at least nobody died.
Asked if he felt the finale offered closure, Carter Covington told The Hollywood Reporter, “That will always be my sole regret: that I never got to explore Karma and Amy together. I never got to look inward at Karma and have her question her friendship and why it’s so intense and her affection for Amy. I’m sad that I won’t get chance to do that. I felt like fans really deserved that and I’m sad they won’t get that.”