‘I Met My Astrological Soulmate. Should I Tell Her?’

Q:

I was recently rejected by someone who, according to Costar (iykyk), is actually my soul mate!!! What’s a girl to do? It hurts knowing we are cosmically aligned though she does not agree. I shouldn’t grovel and/or share this info with her, right? How do I move on?

A:

So truly with all due respect and love: Soul mates, or at least our Western conception of them, do not exist. And while astrology can be a useful way for understanding our lives and seeing our behaviors and choices through a certain lens, apps and companies like Co-Star flatten and oversimplify the spiritual practice of astrology to do the thing apps are designed to do (keep you coming back for more).

Co-Star admits right on their own About page that they use artificial intelligence in their astrological missives and interpretations. That information alone should discredit them from having any sway over your romantic life or life in general.

Without getting too far into the weeds of it (especially because I’m no expert myself), astrological compatibility is a very complex equation that does not simply boil down to “you’re one sign, this person is this sign, and this is how your relationship will go.” If you want to know more, work with an astrologer (preferably one with Indigenous roots and/or an explicitly anti-colonial practice) to learn about it. Co-Star used to love to inform me that my best friend and I are “incompatible” in all ways except for sex, which simply is not true.

(I’d be remiss not to mention that astrological compatibility in romantic matchmaking can also often be used as a tool for reinforcing patriarchy, classism, and other systems of power throughout the world, but that’s a whole separate article!)

So no, I do not think you should grovel or share this information with her. From your letter, I have zero context as to how you met this person or what else you view as compatibilities beyond what it says on Co-Star. Rejection sucks, I know. And it’s possible that this (perhaps slightly comedically intended?) advice question is your way of downplaying or circumventing the uncomfortable feelings of that rejection. It is easy to turn to the stars as a scapegoat or an escape hatch when things do not go our way, but that’s not really what astrology is for.

So, let’s just jump to the part of your question that actually matters: How do you move on? You can start by releasing yourself from the idea that Co-Star can tell you how to live. You can start by releasing yourself from the — limiting at best, harmful at worst — idea that there is one soul mate out there for you. We have written so many pieces about navigating romantic rejection here at Autostraddle, and I encourage you to check some of them out, from very practical guides like How To Soothe the Sting of Romantic Rejection Real Quick to advice letters from other folks contending with rejection that might make you feel less alone.

This rejection does not mean The One is getting away. There are many people out there for you to date who you are compatible with, I promise. That compatibility will likely have to be learned over time rather than be predetermined by an app or a system. It’s difficult to perfectly screen for compatibility even if you’re very specific and thorough in a dating app profile. Compatibility likely has to be learned through the actual process of getting to know and dating someone.

And even for the ones you are largely compatible with, there will be moments or areas of incompatibility. Compromise and conversation will be required. Perfect, seamless, cosmically aligned relationships aren’t reality. Relationships take work, and that work can be hard and it can be beautiful and it has nothing to do with what an AI-using app says.

Maybe I’m answering your somewhat unserious question with too serious of an answer, but you’ve taken the time to submit this to our advice section, and I feel like I owe it to you to engage in good faith by refuting some of the core ideas in your question but also, hopefully, offering a path forward. Let yourself feel the hurt of this rejection without getting caught up in the stars of it all.

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