American Horror Story 305 Recap: Burn, Witch, Burn

Welcome to the fifth episode of American Horror Story, the show that never met a horror trope it didn’t like to fuck with!

This week’s vocab word is “twitchery.” It’s a combo of “trickery” and “witches.” The Disney Channel even made a movie about it.

Alternative programming to "Sabrina the Teenage Cracker"

Alternative programming to “Sabrina the Teenage Cracker”

The episode opens with a flashback of a masked Halloween ball at the home of Delphine, who is rocking a serious feather hairpiece. A handsome dandy named Jacques has come to court her oldest daughter, Borquita.

And this is what I'd look like with a feather soul patch

And this is what I’d look like with a feather soul patch

Daddy like!

Daddy like!

Delphine wants to see if he can survive her chamber of horrors, which BTW is now what I’ll be calling my vagina. Apparently Delphine loves to see terror on a handsome face, whereas I like to see a handsome face all up in my terror, HEY HEY!

Hold on to your frilly cravat, bc shit is about to go off!]

Hold on to your frilly cravat, bc shit is about to go off!]

Delphine leads Jacques into a room where she is playing the old Halloween food prank. Peeled grapes are eyeballs, spaghetti is guts, and someone’s dad is dressed like the Fonz.

Worst. Top Chef. Challenge.Ever.

Worst. Top Chef. Challenge.Ever.

Except the grapes really are slave eyeballs and the guts are guts, and Jacques runs the fuck out of that creepy hell house like his fancy pants are on fire.

Sorry, I already have reservations at a less murdery place down the street

Sorry, I already have reservations at a less murdery place down the street

I told you Jacques was vegan Mom, stop embarrassing me!

I told you Jacques was vegan Mom, stop embarrassing me!

Delphine cackles that he’s not man enough for her daughter, because yeah, he’s obviously the one with the problem. Later, the three daughters gather and talk about how mom keeps scaring away potential husbands with her creepy murder house show.

Remember when she was supposed to bring homeroom snack and she brought a severed head instead?

Remember when she was supposed to bring homeroom snack and she brought a severed head instead?

And we were like, mom, we wanted chewy Chips Ahoy, gross!

And we were like, mom, we wanted chewy Chips Ahoy, gross!

And I mailed the story to YM magazine for their "OMG Mortifying" column, but instead they just sent me a letter from child services!

And I mailed the story to YM magazine for their “OMG Mortifying” column, but instead they just sent me a letter from child services!

One daughter laments how horrible Delphine is to them and the slaves. UM, HAVE YOU SEEN THE SLAVES, BITCH? Horrible is an understatement. They talk about killing mom once and for all. Unfortunately, Delphine overhears their plotting, and has the slaves drag her daughters up to the murder attic of horrors.

No TV for a week? But Vampire Diaries is back!

No TV for a week? But Vampire Diaries is back!

Delphine plans to keep her daughters locked up for a year, except for Borquita, who is getting a mouthful of shit for Christmas. A mouthful of shit. For Christmas. Let’s just sit with this a minute. “A Mouthful of Shit for Christmas” sounds like a lost Rankin-Bass TV special.

Fine, but what am I getting for Kwanzaa?

Fine, but what am I getting for Kwanzaa?

You know, people are surprised that I don’t watch this show stoned, considering I’m the “High Femme” girl and all. But I have to watch this show sober, because otherwise I WOULD NOT BELIEVE MY FUCKING EYES AND EARS. The opening credits haven’t even rolled at this point, y’all.

Also, can we talk about how Delphine is the least discreet serial killer ever? Won’t people notice her daughters are missing/have shit in their mouths? Won’t Jacques run off to the police? These are the things I think about.

Flash to present, where the zombie daughters are banging at the door, and the entire school is surrounded by zombies.

Braaaiiiinnsss, braaaaiiiiinnnnsss –is that a giant fucking scarecrow?

Braaaiiiinnsss, braaaaiiiiinnnnsss –is that a giant fucking scarecrow?

Fiona is nursing her drink at the bar when she sees Cordelia rush out of the bathroom screaming.

Just realized she got stuck with the tab

Just realized she got stuck with the tab

Cordelia is clutching her burnt face, and Fiona is horrified. She sees a black figure sneak out the door.

This is why we can't have nice things!

This is why we can’t have nice things!

Walk it off!

Walk it off!

Fiona waits in a dimly lit, shitty hospital waiting room.

Accurate representation of a New Orleans hospital

Accurate representation of a New Orleans hospital

The doctor comes out and tells Fiona that Cordelia has been burnt with sulfuric acid. Fiona asks if she’s blind, and the doctor tells her the acid burned through her eyes. They couldn’t save her eyes. Fiona says, “what are you telling me?” and the doctor takes out a sock puppet and rips off its googly eyes. Not really, that would have been amazing.

Your daughter is blinded

Your daughter is blinded

With righteous anger?

With righteous anger?

With sulfuric acid.

With sulfuric acid.

Meanwhile, at Miss Robichaux’s Hometown Zombie Buffet, the zombies are closing in on the house. Shirtless thinks it’s a prank, but the witches know some serious shit is going down. Queenie calls them the army of darkness (nice reference, Queenie!)

Who's at the door?

Who’s at the door?

A Thriller flash mob?

A Thriller flash mob?

Meanwhile, back at the beauty shop, Marie Laveau levitates, surrounded by candles and dead chickens. It’s just like that scene in The Craft, only with WAY more dead chickens.

Light as a feather, stiff as a board

Light as a feather, stiff as a board

Shirtless goes out to scare away the zombies, who have frozen in place like a bunch of mimes. Some costumed bros wander in and compliment the zombies on their cool prosthetics. Yep, they’re gonna die.

What do you mean this haircut makes me look like a penis?

What do you mean this haircut makes me look like a penis?

Marie, white eyed, tells them to begin. The zombies start murdering up a storm and attack the house.

"Wu Tang Clan ain't nothing to fuck with is a double negative!

“Wu Tang Clan ain’t nothing to fuck with is a double negative!

Zoe jumps into the leadership role, which is surprising since she is terrible at everything all the time. With the exception of killing people with her vagina. She’s aces at that. She tells everyone to head upstairs to Spalding’s room, but he quickly waves them off that idea.

Why can't we hide in your room, Spalding?

Why can’t we hide in your room, Spalding?

Because I promised the dolls it was family night!

Because I promised the dolls it was family night!

Delphine wants to let her zombie daughters into the house, but Zoe shuts that shit down right quick. Meanwhile, Nan sneaks out of the house to rescue Shirtless and drag him into a car.

They're not fucking trick-or-treaters!

They’re not fucking trick-or-treaters!

Well who else is going to eat these boxes of DOTS?

Well who else is going to eat these boxes of DOTS?

Meanwhile at the hospital, Cordelia is asleep in bed. Fiona watches over her in the most poorly lit room ever. Seriously, what is with this hospital and its flickering lights?

Wanna share that morphine drip?

Wanna share that morphine drip?

Fiona runs out of pills, but guess where she can get some more? Fiona uses her magic/Costco card to break into the pharmacy and just starts bagging all the pills like it’s Supermarket Sweep.

Oh God, I'm tripping ovaries right now

Oh God, I’m tripping ovaries right now

Fiona stumbles out, high as a kite, and passes a variety of creepy patients before seeing the black figure slink around a corner. Fiona walks into a hospital room to see a stillborn baby and her sobbing mother.

OMG, is that Jessica Lange?

OMG, is that Jessica Lange?

Fiona, obviously reeling from Cordelia’s attack, picks up the dead baby and forces the mother to hold it and promise to love the dead baby. Well, this is uncomfortable.

Definitely not a doctor

Definitely not a doctor

Suddenly, Fiona magicks the baby back to life! The mother cries tears of joy. Not to rain on Fiona’s parade, but maybe she could magick some sight back into Cordelia’s face? I don’t know; I’m not a witch or anything.

These hitchhikers are getting really aggressive

These hitchhikers are getting really aggressive

Meanwhile, back at Miss Robichaux’s zombie apocalypse, Nan and Shirtless are trapped in a car, about to be eaten by zombies. Suddenly, the zombies are distracted by Zoe, who is banging pots and pans together like she’s Tanisha from The Bad Girls Club.

Zoe distracts the zombies, then runs off to hide in a shed. Meanwhile, Delphine puts Queenie back to bed, and tells Spalding to keep an eye on her while she gets some ice.

We've also got plenty of leftover DOTS if you want

We’ve also got plenty of leftover DOTS if you want

Delphine is in the kitchen when she hears noises. She sees Zombie Borquita outside the window, and opens the door to let her in. Delphine has obviously never seen a zombie movie ever.

Let's bury the hatchet…into the back of your head

Let’s bury the hatchet…into the back of your head

She hopes there is something human remaining in her daughter. Maybe she’ll forgive her for the whole “mouthful of shit for Xmas” thing. Zombie Borquita starts strangling her. I guess she’s not into forgiveness.

So family therapy is out of the question, then?

So family therapy is out of the question, then?

Queenie asks Spalding to go see what’s keeping Delphine. When she hears a thump, she steps outside the room to see Spalding getting clobbered with a candle stick. What is it with the LaLaurie family and clubbing people with candle sticks?

That bitch has a whole candelabra!

That bitch has a whole candelabra!

Queenie backs away and starts slicing herself up with whatever she can find. Unfortunately, her voodoo doll skills have no effect on the zombie, other than looking really cool. Suddenly, the zombie is impaled by a poker; Delphine has stabbed her zombie daughter to save Queenie. Delphine collapses and cries into Queenie’s ample bosom.

Crying into a huge rack always makes me feel better

Crying into a huge rack always makes me feel better

Meanwhile, Nan and Shirtless make a run for it, but Shirtless collapses due to loss of blood. Nan tries to drag him inside, when obviously she should leave this Jabroni to die and make a run for it.

I worked too hard to get laid; you're not dying on me now!

I worked too hard to get laid; you’re not dying on me now!

Just when all hope seems lost, Zoe beheads the zombie while wielding a motherfucking chainsaw! Look who just became an interesting character!

Look at me be a badass!

Look at me be a badass!

This must be how Jessica Lange feels every season!

This must be how Jessica Lange feels every season!


Zoe is mowing down zombies left and right, and it’s pretty awesome. More of this, please. Zoe, you are no longer the worst. A giant zombie comes after her just as her chainsaw sputters out. Classic Ryan Murphy move: as soon as a female character gets cool, you cut her off at the knees.

But wait! Zoe puts her hand out, mutters something in Latin, and the zombie collapses! She killed him with magic! Magic that didn’t come from her cooch!

Accio wet wipes!

Accio wet wipes!

Zoe’s magic is so powerful it knocks Marie out of the air and onto the floor. Marie senses a crazy strong magic coming from the school. Is Zoe the new Supreme?

Just came

Just came

Back at the hospital, Hank rushes in, straight from boning that redhead. Fiona smells bullshit all over him and calls him a loser. Hank says at least he didn’t abandon Cordelia like Fiona did.

I re-gifted your wedding present!

I re-gifted your wedding present!

Well the joke's on you, because I use that pasta maker all the time!

Well the joke’s on you, because I use that pasta maker all the time!

A nurse wanders in and tells them to keep it the fuck down. She then leaves, hopefully to fix the incessantly flickering lights that are about to give me a seizure. Fiona walks away and demands that Hank leave by the time she gets back. Hank tries to comfort Cordelia, but when he touches her hand she immediately gets flashes of him fucking that other girl.

Oh shit

Oh shit

Looks like Cordelia got some new magical powers to compensate for her damaged face.

The next day, Fiona and the girls have a giant zombie corpse bonfire.

For the last time, we are not making smores!

For the last time, we are not making smores!

Fiona tells Zoe that she likes a witch who knows how to fight. She compliments Zoe on her newfound badassery. Delphine comes out and commiserates with Fiona about them being terrible mothers. Will their shared tragedy bring them closer? NOPE. Fiona calls her the maid and saunters back inside.

So we're friends now?

So we’re friends now?

I'm sorry, I'm totally blanking on your name right now

I’m sorry, I’m totally blanking on your name right now

The witch council shows up to see what the fuck happened last night.

Witch council: now with softer focus!

Witch council: now with softer focus!

The council accuses Fiona of neglect and malfeasance, what with the zombie attack/missing students/injured daughter. They demand that Fiona resign, but that’s obviously not happening.

The only thing I'm guilty of is being the baddest bitch in this room

The only thing I’m guilty of is being the baddest bitch in this room

Fiona accuses Myrtle of plotting against her and attacking Cordelia. Fiona saw Myrtle in the hospital elevator, and she knew that Myrtle came to New Orleans weeks ago under a fake name.

And you ate everything in the minibar! I checked!

And you ate everything in the minibar! I checked!

And I ordered all the porn too! Deal with it!

And I ordered all the porn too! Deal with it!

Fiona knows this because she broke into Myrtle’s hotel room and found an angry photo shrine.

Took a photo collage course from "A"

Took a photo collage course from “A”

The coup de grace comes when Fiona rips Myrtle’s gloves off, revealing acid burned hands!

These are the cuticles of a murderer! J'accuse!

These are the cuticles of a murderer! J’accuse!

Myrtle tries to defend herself, but the council quickly sentences her to death. Myrtle tells them she won’t resist the burning; she’s used to being an outcast. She will go proudly into the flame. Well, good luck with that.

I regret nothing…except this haircut

I regret nothing…except this haircut

It’s time to burn a witch! Myrtle is dressed in white and is followed by everyone in black, including the black albinos. Hey guys!

We've set aside this field of rubble just for you

We’ve set aside this field of rubble just for you

Why do our field trips always end in murder?

Why do our field trips always end in murder?

Fiona lights a cigarette and asks if Myrtle has any last words. Myrtle tells everyone they suck/Fiona is going to drag them all to hell/she’d like to thank the academy/can anyone cancel my Netflix account?

Not only are we not cancelling your Netflix, we're adding 3 discs a month

Not only are we not cancelling your Netflix, we’re adding 3 discs a month

You are such a cunt

You are such a cunt

Fiona tosses her cigarette onto the gasoline covered Myrtle and she goes up in flames.

Our second bonfire, and still no smore's

Our second bonfire, and still no smore’s

Fire bad. Fiona pretty.

Fire bad. Fiona pretty.

Goodbye Myrtle. For the next 5 minutes at least.

Back at school, Queenie questions Fiona about framing Myrtle.

This whole murder thing is really starting to get to me

This whole murder thing is really starting to get to me

Turns out that Myrtle’s scarred hand was the work of Queenie burning herself! But Queenie is having second thoughts. She didn’t want to see Myrtle go up in flames.

And that's how you ruin a manicure

And that’s how you ruin a manicure

Fiona tries to calm her with some sweet talk, and vaguely promises that Queenie could be the rising Supreme. This is not great news, considering the previous rising Supreme is rotting away in an attic right now.

And as a Supreme, your storylines will be a lot less racist!

And as a Supreme, your storylines will be a lot less racist!

You really think so?

You really think so?

Nope

Nope

Meanwhile, Spalding is just relaxing in his night gown and bonnet, spraying the attic with Lysol.

Lysol: for all your creepy body hoarding needs!

Lysol: for all your creepy body hoarding needs!

Dude, Lysol is not going to mask the rotting corpse in your trunk! You should know that after 50 years of buttling. Spalding tries to lift Madison’s corpse out of the trunk, but he rips her arm off. True story: I could watch a spinoff show that’s just Spalding in a night gown doing Buster Keaton-style physical comedy with body parts.

Mother is going to be furious when she finds out about this

Mother is going to be furious when she finds out about this

Meanwhile, back at the burning site, wild dogs are nomming on Myrtle’s charred corpse.

Best opening for an Aerosmith video ever

Best opening for an Aerosmith video ever

But guess who shows up? Misty Day, in all her Stevie Nicks glory! Misty holds Myrtle’s head in her hands and works her witchy magic. Myrtle opens her eyes.

Hey girl. Why so crispy?

Hey girl. Why so crispy?

So let’s look at the scorecard:

Dead babies revived: 1
Dead witches revived: 1
Dead eyeballs/cheek bones revived: 0

NEXT TIME on American Horror Story: Crispy witches hell-bent on vengeance! Rising Supreme misdirects! More corpse tomfoolery in the attic!

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Chelsea

Chelsea Steiner was born and raised in New Orleans, which explains her affinity for cheesy grits and Britney Spears. She currently resides in sunny Los Angeles, where she works as a screenwriter/blogger/sex educator. She's the writer/director of Thank You Come Again, a queer sex positive web series based on her experiences working the Pleasure Chest, which you can follow on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. She’s obsessed with dachshunds, Buffy, 90's dance parties, and roller derby. She loves the word "Jewess" and wishes more people used it to describe her. Follow her ramblings on Twitter and her cute puppy pics on Instagram.

Chelsea has written 46 articles for us.

12 Comments

  1. This show is so fucked up, omigod. But that Tanisha video was amazingly integrated, well done!

  2. This season needs more Lily Rabe.

    Frankly, all TV shows could use more Lily Rabe.

    The world needs more Lily Rabe.

  3. Did anyone else think the last “zombie” Zoe killed wasn’t actually a zombie? My friends and I were all like “OMG SHE JUST KILLED A REAL PERSON.”

    Not that zombies aren’t real people, but, ya know.

  4. Ugh when is Spaulding going to bring Madison back to life, for real? You don’t just kill Emma Roberts 3 episodes into your show.

  5. I really loved Evan Peters in the first two seasons but was pretty relieved at his absence in this episode.

    Not nearly enough Angela Bassett, though!

    I get worried every week for anyone who’s not in the official opening credits. Fortunately Nan made it through the episode — if they kill off Nan, there’s going to be hell to pay. Jamie Brewer is just a rock star of the highest order. I really find her to be the most compelling presence of the 4 youngsters by a country mile.

  6. Honestly, the real LaLaurie was pretty much that indiscreet, too. Folks just plain old didn’t bat a lash at it, due to, ya know, the rampant racism and sexism that permeated the south during her time (I went to school in Nola and did a bunch of the cool haunted city tours! They don’t actually let people tour her house, sadly. I would have TOTALLY dug that)

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