Q:
My partner of almost a decade recently ended our relationship because they realized we wanted different lifestyles. It was painful, but we had been having conflict for awhile about how they wanted to go out more (I maintain that going out once –sometimes twice– a week is a perfectly reasonable pace for queers in their late 30s!) and I felt like we were no longer working toward what I thought was still our shared goal of saving for a house and getting our finances in order.
The breakup happened a few months ago. I know I am not fully healed, but I feel really good about where I am. I am not resentful of my ex, we have maintained a good friendship without falling back into bed with each other, my self-esteem is intact, I have a great friend group, an apartment in a neighborhood I love, and I feel settled into my new routine.
I’m not looking to U-Haul, (I want to feel confident in our shared commitments before I ever move in with someone again because splitting belongings in a breakup absolutely blows) but I want something long-term and committed. I have found it hard not to worry about being single as I approach 40 because I want to have time to build a life with someone who wants to grow old with me. I know I am not the first queer in the world to be in this position, but it’s hard not to feel like I’m running out of time to have the kind of life I hoped for.
How soon is too soon to look for a serious partner? Is it going to be a red flag that I’m looking to date seriously less than six months out from the end of the longest relationship of my life? And how do I talk about what I want in a way that doesn’t sound desperate or rigid?
A:
The thing about the simplest version of your question here — how soon is too soon to look for a serious partner after a big breakup — is that the answer varies from person to person and situation to situation. There are loads of people who I would caution to slow down and wait. But given everything you’ve written in your letter, you’re not one of those people! I can indicate several parts of your letter that tell me you’re ready!
It does not matter that you are not fully healed. It is possible you will never be “fully” healed from your breakup, because nearly a decade is a very long time to be with someone! A full sense of closure or being perfectly healed don’t need to be the endgoal here; moving on can look like a whole spectrum of things. As you say, you feel good about where you are. The breakup sounds like the kind that is so hard precisely because it IS the right thing to do. You made a tough choice, and I’m proud of you for that. You may not be fully healed, but you do sound like you have a lot of clarity and emotional intelligence around the situation.
Which is, again, why I think you actually do sound ready to date if that’s what you want! If the ONLY reason you want to hop back into dating is that you’re feeling the pressure of approaching 40, I would advise you to reconsider that. I know plenty of people who have entered long-term relationships in their forties or beyond. I know it’s easy to feel like time is running out, but there are so many benefits to building long-term relationships later in life, not the least of which is knowing yourself and what you want better than you did when you were younger. Your time is not running out; I can assure you of that.
So don’t let age be the ONLY reason you want to start dating seriously again, even if it’s one of the factors. Actually, it could be helpful to write down all the reasons you want to start dating again. This might also help you uncover a way to talk about it with other potential matches.
When I was single, I would not have considered it a red flag for someone I was on a date with to be six months out from a long-term relationship. I suppose it could be a red flag for some people, but then those people are not the right fit for you anyway. Find the right balance between not AVOIDING talking about your last relationship and not letting it dominate the conversation. This might take some time to figure out.
Saying you want something serious and committed doesn’t convey desperation or rigidity. There are plenty of other people out there who want the same thing as you. If anything, being clear about your intentions and desires helps you better weed out people whose preferences do not align, and that will be important for you given that your last relationship ultimately ended due to mismatched priorities.
Check in with yourself often. If dating starts making you sad, take a step back. Sometimes people start feeling dating fatigue when they don’t immediately find someone who is a good fit or who wants to be with them, and that’s usually when I advise taking a break from dating altogether. I’m not saying it should always feel perfectly easy. But dating should be fun! And if the negative feelings start outweighing any good, that’s when it’s time to maybe take a beat and spend some time with yourself and with friends to remind yourself of the beautiful life you can live outside of the context of romantic partnership.
But there’s also nothing wrong with wanting what you want: long-term, committed partnership with someone you can grow old with. Plenty of other people want this, too. You have a self-awareness that I think will help you along this journey.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
Comments
This is such a thoughtful, grounded answer. I really like how it pushes back on the idea that you need to be “fully healed” before dating again—that’s one of those standards that sounds wise but can actually keep people stuck. The emphasis on self-awareness over perfection feels especially right here Space Waves.