Y’All Need Help #4: You’re a Person with Complex Emotional Responses to a Variety of Situations

Q:

A close friend of 11 years (that’s just under half of our lives thus far) confided to me in February that she’s, in her words, “””bicurious”””? Which in her case means that she likes “””hooking up””” with girls, but only likes dating guys. Her on-again off-again boyfriend knows and is cool with it. And it’s really bugging me, and I’m not sure why. It gives me, very…Katy Perry vibes, you know? She kissed a girl and her boyfriend apparently didn’t mind it at all. Like, straight women in bars trying to titillate men by kissing each other. It super bothers me and I feel like this is really similar to that.

Also, I’m the only queer woman in my friend group, and I kind of feel like maybe if this is something that she’s exploring, it’s like, encroaching on my territory? Is that super weird? Am I actually being territorial? Is that normal? Why does my straight friend have more lesbian experience than I, the lesbian friend, have?

We’re rolling through summer and I’m still dwelling on this, and I have the worst suspicion that it’s actually only bothering me because I’m a big jerk. Am I a big jerk? Does this even make sense? What am I even asking for help with? Help me understand why I feel this way? Do I need to sign this with a cool code name in the style of a newspaper advice column?

Threatened Token Gay Friend

A:

Hey TTGF! I love it when people sign off with a codename! You wouldn’t believe how much time I’ve spent just staring at my walls, wondering whether or not other publications make up the codenames themselves, or if the advice seekers make them up. They’re so damn clever sometimes! It’s a lot to think about.

Anyway Toke, here’s how I see it: you’re feeling territorial (re: token gay), you’re feeling slightly jealous (re: ‘experience’), you’re feeling frustrated as fuck with the patriarchy (re: life and how we’re reared to seek legitimization from people unwilling to even give it, and what that does to us in the long run, and how bar culture is the worst) and you’re wondering, what does this all mean??? And to that I say, it means that you’re a person with complex emotional responses to a variety of situations. NICE WORK. Cool. Ok so don’t worry about whether or not it’s a good emotional response because you can’t control your emotional reaction, only the manifestation of that reaction. So here we go, this is where it gets crunchy.

Maybe your friend is the kind of gal who makes out with other gals in order to turn men on. That’s cool. Her existence and that kind of practice doesn’t take away from your existence and your kind of practice, whatever that may be. She can be she while you be you. There’s room enough at the inn.

There is.

friends-001

So if everything you’re feeling is normal as fuck — and it is — now it’s up to you to manifest those feelings into something positive as fuck. Be welcoming to your bicurious friend. Give her space to clomp around and slam into all the other body-shaped wads of feelings that are willing to be her bumpers. Let her be whomever she really is, without judgment. Be the chill you wish to see in this world.

You’re still you, Toke. You’re still the only you that’s ever been. You’re as gay as the gayest gay. You’re destined for the utmost greatness and also the utmost gayness. You’re doing GREAT. You’re not a jerk. You’re a body-shaped wad of feelings with the opportunity to shine some sunlight onto another wad of feelings.  Ain’t life grand?


Q:

Hi. I am a 28 year old closeted lesbian and mother of three little kids. I was out-ish but never had any serious relationships with women. Then life happened and here I am.

I am not sure it matters how I got myself into this mess. I just need to get out. But I feel like coming out at this point is an incredibly selfish thing to do. My husband is a good man. He has done some really shitty things to me, but he loves being a dad. I don’t want to destroy him.

I am also really intimidated by the sort of…gay culture that I’m seeing online. Like, Being a mom, I’m never going to fit in. It’s not like I am even thinking of dating right now. I just want to be myself, and be seen, but I’m afraid nobody will accept me. Or they will think that because I was married to a man, that I must be bi. I am not, and have never been.

I wonder if I am going to screw up my kids for life. I know my mom will never forgive me.

Can you please help me figure out what to do?

A:

Well indeed I do believe I can help you figure out what to do! Because I had a very similar experience and now here I am, alive and well and wishing we were talking about this over a basket of fish and chips.

FIRST: Coming out and divorcing your husband will not screw up your kids for life. Other things will, but not this.

I know that you’ve been living in a world where you come fourth at best, probably fifth for the most part. You think putting your needs out in front of all of theirs is the most selfish, self-serving, unexpected bullshit you could possibly pull on these angelic baby people. You think you should’ve already been the most perfected and practiced version of yourself before they got here — before you called upon them to exist — and now that they’re here, your time is up.

But it’s not. Your time isn’t up. Your needs have a vital place at your table. If getting out of this marriage is on your list of needs, prioritize it right up there with this week’s grocery list and your summer reading and explaining how neutrons work over dinner. Put it on your list.

the past

What you’re looking at here is a trading card from 1991/92 that I personalized at age 10 by glueing a photo of my face over the face of Lady Marian (played by Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio) so that I could be “happily every after!” with Kevin Costner who, by the entire way, was 36 years old at the time he filmed this movie. AND LOOK AT ME NOW.

SECOND: Leaving your husband will not destroy him. He will still be a father — you can never (nor would you ever want to) take that away from him. This isn’t about undermining his role as their dad. He’ll have the opportunity to build a life with a person who isn’t a closeted lesbian. I can think of only one or two other things a straight cis man in America would want more than that.

THIRD: The gay culture you see online is only a fraction of gay culture. Also your version of gay culture is literally whatever in the fuck you want it to be. You’re not breaking into gay culture, you’re breaking into yourself. You define yourself here. No one owns queerness. There is no Arbiter of Gay. If you’re gay, you’re part of gay culture, and anyone who disagrees with this truth is confused, and they’re not yours to save.

I used to think that no one my age (25 at the time) would want anything to do with a newly out lesbian who had two kids and an ex-husband, so I kept them all a secret for months, years. It wasn’t until I was 28 and I couldn’t stand it anymore, I needed these strangers’ hearts to keep me afloat, that I told everyone everything. And you know what they did? They floated me, for years. People sat inside their lives and reformulated their ideas of me, and they floated me.

The people in your life are entirely capable of reformulating their ideas of you. They can love you even when they’re confused or sad or angry. They can be whole while you’re also whole.

Coming out is hard. Divorcing your children’s parent is hard. Potentially disappointing your mother is hard. But being silent and miserable is harder. Being scared and fake is harder. Being anyone other than who you are or who you want to be, is shit. Your kids need to see hope and honesty in action, even when it’s hard, especially when it’s hard. Your kids deserve the entirety of you. You deserve the entirety of you.

How to Leave Your Husband (Because You’re a Lesbian)


Y’All Need Help is a weeklyish (kinda?) advice column in which I pluck out a couple of questions from the You Need Help inbox and answer them right here, round-up style, quick and dirty! You can chime in with your own advice in the comments and send your quick and dirty questions to youneedhelp@autostraddle.com.

Laneia is the Executive Editor and founding member of Autostraddle, and you're the reason she's here.

Laneia has written 919 articles for us.

32 Comments

  1. I don’t know if the friend in the first letter and the woman in second letter are bisexual and straight-washing and gay-washing themselves because of bi-erasure, OR if I am Bi-washing everyone because I am Bi and like to think that there are lots of women out there like me. To the writer of the first letter, your friend sounds like she is acting exactly the way I acted before I realized that Bisexuality was real and valid. That was a difficult and strange time for me, and I would have loved having a friend like you by my side.

  2. Kudos to Toke for acknowledging all the feelings they have at the same time, figuring those out is like, half the problem. Also,I did not marry the Cis-Het guy I left, but I’m gonna go ahead and second leaving being an overall right choice for both parties.

  3. Dear TTGF,

    I just wanted to mention that for some (lots?) of people, there are some areas where their sexual attractions/interests don’t overlap 100% with their romantic attractions/interests. Therefore, it is possible that your friend is both bisexual and heteroromantic. And, regardless, as long as the women your friend is making out etc with know what the deal is and everyone is enjoying themselves, then the makeouts etc really are on the up and up. Sometimes greater understanding of a situation can help one feel comfortable with it, so while the circumstances may not be exactly analogous, you might find some insight and/or peace by reading the incredible We See You: An Open Thread for Bisexual Women Dating Men post last year right here on AS (link: http://www.autostraddle.com/we-see-you-an-open-thread-for-bisexual-women-dating-men-300258/ ). I hope you are able to reconcile some of your conflicting and ambivalent feelings soon, and wish you all the best in your journeys of gayness and friendship <3

    Take care,
    ~ d_s

    • Hear hear! I find myself in that exact situation. Sexually= very into the ladies and dudes, romantically=so far only, and very overwhelmingly, into guys. Yes, I sometimes wonder if this is some sort of internalized misogyny and have a ‘Am I a bad feminist because…’ moment but I’m doing my best to be honest about my feelings and accept them as they are (and how they might change.)

      Also, as someone in an open relationship, a boyfriend who is ‘cool with his girlfriend making out with girls’ doesn’t always mean it’s something done for the titillation of guys or means that it’s seen as less valid that hereto-sex. Sure, it can, but it can also mean having a partner who is supportive of expression of authentic self.

  4. Hey Token, I understand why you’re piqued by your friend’s behavior. But like Jo said above, this is one path some women take towards coming out. I personally didn’t – I was afraid of being labeled one of “those girls” – which is why I am far below both you and your friend on the Lesbian Experience Scale. Try to withhold judgment as much as you can, and if it’s possible, even confide in her that you’re still not sure to feel about queerness being a thing you now share in some way. It’s ok to not be sure.

  5. “The gay culture you see online is only a fraction of gay culture. Also your version of gay culture is literally whatever in the fuck you want it to be. You’re not breaking into gay culture, your breaking into yourself. You define yourself here. No one owns queerness. There is no Arbiter of Gay. If you’re gay, you’re part of gay culture, and anyone who disagrees with this truth is confused, and they’re not yours to save.”

    Oh, FUCK YES, Laneia. This is golden. It should be printed on the cover of the handbook. It should BE THE HANDBOOK.

    LW2, I think you’ll find that there are more of us out here than you’d ever expect. There is going to be a lot to navigate, and the #1 thing I can recommend to you is to do everything in your power to get grounded in yourself. Having a solid therapist was a lifeline to me. (The #2 thing I recommend–and I say this not to be scary, but because it’s what I tell anyone who’s embarking on a divorce–is to save some money and prepare yourself. Go in for a consultation with a lawyer and know your options, even though you expect to do things amicably. The process could go smoothly, but it is very, very common for hurting people to become ugly in their pain. Do not let guilt cloud your vision and prevent you from taking care of yourself and your relationship with your children.)

    Being grounded in yourself and really seeing your own value and goodness–it will see you through that process, and it will quiet the fears that drove you to write this letter. Your social world is going to get weird. Even if you were still passing as straight, divorce shakes up relationships and the way people relate to you. Being a single mother adds practical constraints to your schedule, and finding other single parent friends will be a lifesaver. Some people aren’t going to get it, or to know what to do with you or your life. That’s a people thing, not a queer thing. Remember that.

    After such a drastic change, it can take a long while to get your bearings and right your ship again. But. You WILL find your people. And you will find that you are breathing in a way you didn’t before. Even when life is harder in ways you didn’t know to expect, you will be glad to be living it. Your babies will be okay. Their father will be okay. You will be okay. I wrap you in love and wish you all the best.

  6. Omg Laneia such wisdom but mostly this : “He’ll have the opportunity to build a life with a person who isn’t a closeted lesbian. I can think of only one or two other things a straight cis man in America would want more than that.”

    <3 Iluand I cherish every thing you post

  7. TTGF, I was in a kinda-similar-ish situation as you awhile ago. I had a best friend of one year who was a bi woman who hooked up with women but only dated men (which itself is fine and not a Bad Thing) who had a habit of objectifying women. Like, “once cat-called a woman in the streets and also asked me to rank the boobs of all the women I’ve had sex with” levels of objectifying women. One upshot of only hooking up with women and not dating them is that you kinda don’t have to be emotionally invested and that makes objectifying people easier and more convenient. Maybe this isn’t what’s happening in your situation at all, but it’s a thing that maybe could be happening and would make me super uncomfy. Good luck regardless, bud!

  8. To Token: I really get these feelings. I think for me it would be about somebody being able to take lightly something that I am not able to take lightly, and also that an opposite-sex-relationship offers social protection in a way that the identity of a single inexperienced lesbian does not. So: I get it! I think it’s super understandable to have these feelings and feel shitty about the fact that things are not the same for everybody.

    Regardless of this, I of course agree that the friend has the right to do as she pleases, no matter how Token feels about it. But: don’t blame yourself for these understandable feelings. Try to find your own road and follow it, even if the going consists of fumbling in the dark sometimes.

  9. So, LW2 didn’t say she wanted a divorce–she said she needed to get out of this mess (“this mess”=married, 3 kids, in the closet).

    You don’t have to go right to divorce. There are a million ways that people of all orientations organize their lives. There are open marriages, there are families with amicably divorced parents, there are queer people married to straight people just because that’s what works, and on and on and on.

    If what you want is a divorce, then go for it, and it’s not going to ruin anyone’s life. BUT, it’s possible to just come out to your husband–with no other agenda than being authentic, for your sake and his–and then take it from there.

    • glad to see that somebody said something about queer and alternative models of family! i kept going back to reread, feeling like i had missed the part where lw2 said that a divorce was definitely the way they wanted to proceed. there’s a path with its own pros and cons that could be taken by being honest with husband and working together with a good therapist to sort out the best way to proceed, if the relationship (aside from the shitty stuff–can’t tell how BIG it is) was otherwise healthy ish and respectful.

  10. LW2, I know and feel your pain. I’m 32 and just finalized my divorce a few weeks ago after admitting to myself (and everyone else) that I’m a lesbian about 1.5 years ago. We’ve got two kids, he’s a great guy, but it was the right choice. My kids have honestly rolled with everything way better than I have. Their parents don’t live together anymore, but we’re both a crap-ton happier than we were before. Turns out he’s a lot happier being with someone who actually wants to have sex with him. (I honestly didn’t realize women liked seeing men naked. That’s a thing! I did not believe it.) The number one thing kids need is love, and the number two thing is for their parents/guardians/whoever to be HAPPY.
    I’m a lot happier being myself. You can be a mom and be gay, at the same time. A lot of us do it. Some people don’t want to date me because I have kids, and that was really really hard at first. Some other people don’t want to date me because I’m ‘new’ at being gay, and that was really hurtful, too. But I’ve found plenty of people who don’t care about either of those things, and I’ve had some really great dates (and some terrible ones) and the whole thing has turned into a really fun adventure. I’m going on a second date tonight with a lovely woman who seems to like me exactly the way I am, kids, recent divorce, ‘straight’ history, and all.

    I want to offer that if I can figure out away to get my contact info to you without posting it all over the internet, I will totally be there to talk to you about how shitty and difficult, but ultimately amazing, this whole thing is.

  11. TTGF, I just want to give you a big hug if you’re into hugs and a blanket and ice cream and a puppy b/c I totally don’t want you to feel alone b/c reading your letter made me feel less alone. I was in a situation that was somewhat similar though also different in some big ways, like I had previously had a massive crush on the friend involved and I wasn’t out to that friend group, but anyway I just want to say your feelings make sense, and Laneia is right about us being complicated people!

  12. Laneia I just love you so much this is all the best advice. “You’re not a jerk. You’re a body-shaped wad of feelings with the opportunity to shine some sunlight onto another wad of feelings” was exactly the thing I needed to hear today.

  13. For letter writer #1, I want to say that I don’t really know why she is supposed to stick around and support stuff that she finds draining, annoying, or obnoxious to be around. If you don’t enjoy the company of your current friend group, don’t feel like they really get you and support you and share fundamental values, can’t confide in them about your feelings, and are not enjoying their company, by all means free yourself and find other friends who you can be with and not feel alienated and lonely and drained and unaffirmed around.

    It doesn’t have to be about making them wrong to be who they are, but you don’t have to grin and bear it either, if you don’t find them joyful to be with. Trying to change them to suit you is not necessary, but neither is trying to change yourself to fit inside their ways.

    For letter writer #2, please don’t feel like being a martyr is a good model for your kids or a true obligation to their father. If he’s done bad stuff to you, you deserve to have that addressed, whether you come out or not. If he is destroyed by being held accountable, or by you being open about who you are and affirming how you love, then he needs a lot of rebuilding anyway.

    You can do things step by step if you don’t want to burn down the barn, and the sooner the better, because if you wait til you get desperate, it’s worse for you and also more likely to be explosive and destructive. Please, please don’t sell yourself short. You deserve to love yourself and to be loved by your family, and to be cared about as much and treated with as much consideration and care as you care about them. You matter!!!!

    Love to everyone.

  14. Just… don’t come out before the divorce. Thankfully, I didn’t have any kids and I also had the foresight to keep my sexuality hidden from my ex. Depending on where you live, that can still be potentially damaging. Get the divorce and custody arrangements all settled… and then much later, he can find out.

    That’s my advice, for what it’s worth. I got divorced at 26. It was finalized at 27.

  15. To lw#2: I’m several years on the other side of your current situation and life is so much better now. My kids were 3 and 5 when their dad and I separated because I’m super gay. It was hard, we cried and got mad, and my relationship with my parents suffered for awhile. But tomorrow I’m marrying an amazing human, the kiddos are stoked for “our” wedding, their dad lives 3 blocks away, and we all co-parent together with much group texting and family dinners. Good divorces ARE possible, and I firmly believe that I’ve given my kids a gift by proving that I value my own happiness in addition to theirs. Good luck to you and yours.

  16. I wish I could send the response to LW#2 to someone I used to know. It was really clear towards the end of our friendship/relationship (complicated) that she was damaging everyone around her by staying with her male partner when she knew she was really a lesbian. As far as I know, she’s still with him for the sake of their child, but that child would be much better off with a happy, out lesbian mother, and a father who is with/has the freedom to be with someone who doesn’t have to get drunk to sleep with him. In their current situation, they fight all the time and are both miserable – not a healthy environment for the child to grow up in.

    There were financial reasons too though, which I could sympathise with. She was financially dependent on him which made it harder (though still not as impossible as she thought). So yeah, it’s always messy.

  17. I don’t think there’s anything necessarily wrong with hooking up with girls while dating guys, but I think feeling uncomfortable with that doesn’t necessarily just mean you’re being judgmental and insecure. While it’s possible to practice heteroromantic bisexuality in an ethical way, in reality it often doesn’t involve very much consideration for the girls getting hooked up with and their needs, and they’re pretty frequently not even told that the person they’re hooking up with has a boyfriend/isn’t open to getting serious with anyone but guys – a lot of people don’t want to have sex with someone who wouldn’t date someone their gender, and that’s perfectly fine. And while I can understand that some people do, for example, prefer masculine/feminine dynamics in their relationships, or feel happy with the partner they already have, or take a while to accept the possibility that they could be happy in a visibly-queer relationship, I definitely think quite a few people who could totally bang a girl but could only actually care about a guy that way are treating queer relationships as less valid and other queer people as less worthy of partnering up with. It’s understandable to not want to be around that, especially if your friend is positioning herself as Queer Friend for it and/or or if she’s having better luck with girls without even really caring about it.

    Anyway, being uncomfortable with something isn’t the same as telling that person not to do it, and if Katy Perry girl-kissing hour isn’t something you want to be around, you have every right to set whatever boundaries you want about it.

  18. Laneia, I cannot overstate how much I value your advice, even when the situations aren’t directly applicable to me.

    You always write these beautiful sentences and sentiments that feel so full of warmth and care and so reassuring and wise, too. I always finish reading feeling like you wrote us a big ole hug.

    And I just wanted you to know that it is appreciated. Really appreciated.

  19. From where I stand, it’s pretty easy to understand Threatened Token Gay Friend’s frustration. I’ve been there, I think many of us have been there.
    Mainstream culture (rooted in patriarchy) says that women are not persons (which is whom you build relationships with), merely sex objects. So, when somebody only has sex with women, but does not want to date them, it reminds us of this reality.
    Mainstream culture says that a woman only exists for a man, hence can only build a real, strong connection with a man, while her relationships with women are supposed to be superficial or basically non-existent. And this situation reminds us of that.
    Mainstream culture says that a woman is inferior to a man, she is no competition to him (including as a partner), so, a woman can sleep with you, but as soon as a “real man” comes, you are disposed of, because clearly you don’t stand a chance against him. And this situation is a reminder of that attitude.
    Mainstream culture says that same-gender relationships are only about sex, that we are all sex-crazed perverts, and the only truly spiritual connections that involve love, not just sex, are only for heterosexuals. Can somebody tell me they do not see parallels between “sleeping with women, only dating men” and this stereotype?
    Finally, mainstream culture says that same-sex relationships are wrong, or sinful, or dirty, or whatever. So for many of us it takes a long time and a lot of pain, self-doubt, or even suicide attempts to get from first falling in love with a woman to finally daring to act on it, to kissing a woman, let alone sleeping with one. Many of us are scared to take this step because for us this is life, not a game, this is serious and we risk a lot. You know how many men are not (violently) homophobic towards women as long as they do not take relationships between women seriously and believe that it is just “fooling around” (not threatening for them or their ego), but when they see that it is serious they get violent. So when someone casually sleeps with other women because it is actually not serious (which is probably why some bi-curious women have more experience with women than some lesbians), because there isn’t the same risks or struggle, some of us may feel hurt.
    So I think in this context YOU ARE NOT WRONG TO FEEL TREATENED. This feeling is completely legitimate, it has valid reasons. I guess the answer is not that you should work on changing how you feel, but that you should work on finding the right target that your anger and frustration should be directed at. And in this case the object should not be your friend, but rather that culture, that system that makes her behavior have such ugly implications (even if the behavior itself is NOT ugly). This sexist, lesbophobic and biphobic culture. The friend in this case is not the source of all those attitudes that are described above, it is not her fault. She is not responsible for the context her actions exist in, the system is.
    So, I think it’s good to feel bothered and angry towards the situation (because the situation deserves it), and it does not make you a jerk, as long as that anger is not directed at your friend, but at the patriarchy (which is the source of all this mess, in my humble opinion).

  20. Haha, honestly I kind of understand writer 1’s jealousy issues… I have a friend who identifies as straight but has made out with waaaay more ladies than I have, and constantly gets hit on by gorgeous women, and part of me is like whyyyyyy… BUT… my friend also is more conventionally attractive than I am, has better social skills and also spends more time at clubs and bars where people hook up more. So thems the breaks. Just because sometime triggers your insecurities doesn’t mean the other person is doing anything wrong.

    • Yes this. I struggle with this. I have a friend who is bicurious, and what pisses me off is she seems to have so many more opportunities for kissing ladies than I do for dating ladies. She recently met my girlfriend and for some reason the whole time I was seething with jealousy… but I know it’s irrational. It just happens to be that the more conventionally attractive, social, bicurious friend I have always compared myself to happened to get along with my girlfriend too.

  21. To letter writer number 2, it gets better.

    I have been where you are, but without the marriage. It was terrifying, the process of breaking a bond, coming out to everyone, correcting my way of life to a truthful one. Seeing my ex having to deal with all of it was agony – I kept having to remind myself that I had been doing my best at the time, trying to love him, thinking it was “normal”. I wished so hard that I had been bold enough and self aware enough to come out before I involved him in it. And I sometimes still do. But he and I both know that had that been, then our children wouldn’t have been. There’s a comfort in believing it was for a reason.

    My girlfriend and I would never have met had it not happened just as it happened, and would not have been emotionally (or spiritually, though it sounds crazy) ready for each other at any other time.

    This whole massive experience has got me to a point where I’ve had to address so many things about myself. I learned that out really, really is okay to have boundaries and enforce them. My ex had some issues and I had to learn to be firm. I learned how to meditate which has helped immeasurably.

    At first, my ex and I tried alternatives to outright separating. But realising myself as so so gay and not bi meant it was just a huge, huge sacrifice and compromise. And all the processing that the alternatives required took up too much energy that should have been reserved for raising kids well. Despite the pains of a break up, for my family separation was best.

    Stay in the moment is my advice. Do what needs done in that moment, there’s plenty of fear to find in worrying about the future.

    This is all a bit rambling, but I just wanted to chip in. I always wanted to hear stories similar to mine because it made me feel like it was valid. Until you get to the point where you finally feel free to just do it your way!

    • Oh, and you will find people who get it and accept you. I’ve been so surprised by my new friends, queers of all flavours of queer who left “straight” lives at one point or another. You aren’t alone.

      There were a few people who were really difficult to deal with through the process, I waited til I felt strong enough to deal with them. Boundaries!!!

  22. I have a similar story. I got pregnant in high school. Married the guy. Was never happy. Finally at age 30-something I had the courage to leave. Best move of my life. I am not sure what what “shitty things” your husband has done to you, but I have a feeling when you look back you will be glad you left and give yours the chance to become the real you. The “thirty-five things” my ex had done to me is no less than emotional and psychological abuse. Once I climbed out of the hole he put me in (with some friends and professional help) I realized I could live without him and be a successful person.

    Good luck!

  23. I have to dissagree with the breeziness of the response to the second letter. I am the mother of 3 kids, I have been going through a similiar thing this year. 10 plus years ago I was out to everyone around me and in a relationship with my then girlfriend for 3 years. They were pretty wild days and of course we broke up spectacularly. I kinda rebounded into my eventual husband, fell pregnant almost immediately. Fast forward a decade I had been stressing out for quite some years about getting myself in this situation and wanting to be with woman. I go out one day with my sister, walk into a bar and see my ex girlfriend sitting there. It was zzzzt like lightning, we were both screwed from the very second we saw each other. I told my husband we were through pretty much immediately. I am now in a relationship with my lightning girlfriend. BUT this has been the hardest fucking year of my life. You WILL destroy your husband, maybe not forever but you will definitely destroy him. You have kids so you will still see this guy everytime you swap kids so you will be oh so present to whatever stage of destroyance he is at. Im over a year and he is still struggling. Leaving for a woman cripples them in a different kind of way. ……those delicate egos they keep in their balls.
    Hows your freinds and family going to be. My brother disowned me, my mother didnt speak to me for 5 months, other family has struggled (but you’re a mother????), I have been shunned from people in the small community I am from. Bonus though, I know who my true freinds are now. This has been so hard and everyone that knows me already knows my history, so no real shock to anyone. This coming back out was so harder than the first time.
    Single Mum stuff, now this shit really is the killer. I have never been so poor in my life. I have never been so exhausted of my children. Its just you, over and fucking over and fucking over again. But its just you while you deal with people coming out and whatever that will mean for you, while you have to deal with all your husbands stuff, loss of home and loss of your own family life is heartbreaking too. Not to mention your childrens emotions, thoughts, actions, school changes, teasing, custody issues blah fucking blah.
    Not saying dont do it, I just thought that the response was way to “look at the pretty birdy”. It will be shit, it wil be hard, your heart will break over and over for a whole range of people.

    But, when you are in your lightning girls arms, drowning in her kisses, doing psychic things with your minds you will know that you had to go through it all. Its coming home, its cant tell where you end and she begins, it’s where you know you need to be. Thats my experience of it anyhow.

    • Sorry other Alice, I didnt realise there was already an Alice responding. I will stick another A in front. Dont want you be be tagged for my terrible spelling and grammar.

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