Why Can’t They Support My Sobriety The Way I Want Them To?

After years and years of fucking up my own life I am getting sober. I’ve asked my partner if they could also refrain from drinking for the first few months of my sobriety to help me adjust to it, and they really bristled at the suggestion. I just feel that it will be very damaging and tempting to me to have them drinking, even if it’s not in our house or out with friends when I’m not there, that they’re coming home afterwards drunk, or that it’s something that I would have gone to with them, if drinking were uninvolved. They think I am being unreasonable. I said if giving up drinking for a few months is such a big deal issue for them, then maybe they should think about their own relationship to alcohol! They were pretty offended by this. In retrospect, I shouldn’t have said that. They have been very kind to me and patient, when I was falling down drunk all the time, they were always the responsible one. But shouldn’t a non-alcoholic be able to give up drinking for just a while? It would be okay for them to drink if they were out of town without me, but as long as they’re coming home to our shared home I’d just prefer not to have that around.

Summer: Ooooh boy. Addiction is complex. That’s the one of the biggest understatements I can make. It’s complex and I think your line of thought is on the right side of it. Because your line of thought is concerned with reducing your substance use, and trying to draw your support structure in to help you with that goal. A goal that – generally speaking – is good for you. Another correct thought you’re having is that people who keep your source of harm in your life are not good for your recovery. Lastly and more subjectively… yes, a person who doesn’t have a problem with alcohol shouldn’t find it especially difficult to not drink.

I’ve had addiction-adjacent problems to plenty of things in my life. Alcohol was never one of them, so if I (or someone else) tells me to not drink, it’s trivially easy to not drink. Your partner having a strong emotional response at being asked to stop drinking for someone else’s well-being is not the sign of a person with no attachments to alcohol. Yes, you could have phrased it more sensitively, but the underlying message isn’t incorrect. A partner who is asked to cease substance use to support a recovering partner and refuses is not a good influence. I’d say they’re flat-out in the wrong.

As you probably know, alcohol addiction has another particular difficulty: alcohol is legal and easy to procure compared to other narcotic substances. It’s impossible to exist in most societies without encountering alcohol because it’s legal and people like it. Addiction to illegal narcotics can be curbed by cutting off dealers, moving to new places, changing friend groups, etc. But you can’t get away from alcohol unless you go someplace where it’s severely taboo or illegal. If you believe your partner can still be brought on board, you must make them aware of how difficult it is to curb alcohol addiction when a person is being exposed to it. Your requests are reasonable and so is your desire for recovery. I wish you luck in making it all happen.

Nico: I do think that, much like you probably had to come to any conclusions about your own drinking on your own, I think you should probably let them reach their own conclusions. It sounds like they have an attachment to drinking, but that hopefully it’s not “fucking up” their life. But then, I’m not there so who knows. Regardless, reframing the conversation into a collaboration that is about helping you in your recovery is, in my opinion, the way to go. I think that you can make it clear how difficult it is to be around alcohol at home, or drinking in general, and ask your partner for ideas about ways you can be less exposed to their drinking because it’s triggering for you. I don’t know if they drink at home, but if they do, can they reduce their consumption at all? Or can they buy only what they want to drink in an evening and not keep any alcohol in the house, or — and this seems extreme but maybe it would work — can they keep any of their alcohol in a locked cupboard or something that they have the key to so you’re not tempted to access it? If they don’t drink at home, that makes it a bit easier. The ask can be that they find other people to have drinks with for now, but maybe when you two go out, you ask that they don’t drink for now and that you two choose activities that don’t typically revolve around drinking. My hope is that inviting your partner to help you and to be a collaborator in thinking of how they might do that is going to have a better, more harmonious result. Wishing you both good luck!

Riese: When my girlfriend (now wife) wanted to get sober, she didn’t tell me to stop drinking with her and I’m not sure how I would’ve reacted if she’d made it a directive —I think I would’ve bristled, honestly! But I did stop drinking, anyhow, because her choice made me think I needed to do some reckoning of my own. I stuck to that for about nine months, and then transitioned to drinking incredibly rarely. And it was hard! But —it really had to be my choice.

As an alcoholic, it is completely and 100% not only normal, but okay, to request she doesn’t drink or keep alcohol in the home. I think anything beyond that there are really no “rules” for — it would be very nice if they could refrain from drinking in situations where you need a sober buddy. Asking them not to drink when she’s out without you — well, I think that’s where we get into a fuzzy line between asking for a kindness and wanting to control someone else’s behavior.

But I don’t know if everything that’s at stake here is what is technically “okay” to ask for or not — maybe find a space for a grounded, patient conversation with each other about what feels realistic, what might feel controlling to them, why you need the support you do. I’d hope they can find a way to show up for you and support you in your sobriety while still maintaining their own autonomy, and that that support is generous and comforting to you.

Hello Babes!! It’s been a journey, this is not my first advice request and so much has changed since last time. Last time I was in the depths of my relationship crisis and was so unsure what to do about being so queer and wanting more while in a long term straight relationship. And as of 1/1/26 it’s been a year since I was able to say the words “we need to break up”. I’m so proud of myself for doing it but it’s been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. It ended up taking 7 months to move out and another two to fully cut things off but I am single for the first time in 9 years. Which is where my need for advice comes in.

I’m sure this is naive and every newly ready gay person has had these thoughts but damn I want someone to tell me what to do. I’m 25 and am single for the first time I was a literal kid, like what??? I know no one else in this situation and that’s really isolating. Most of my friends are moving into more serious relationships or are confident in what they are looking for.

I’m so lost though, I have zero experience with non-male partners, I’ve never really flirted with someone I didn’t know, I can’t imagine being with a new person it’s just all so foreign to me. I’m a believer that you need to try to know for sure but I’m not sure where to start or what to try. I don’t have many friends so my social circle is small and there’s not much opportunity for exploration with anyone there. I’m trying to be intentional about what I do, I don’t want to run into anything serious but I want to have fun, I want to learn and experience new things.

In a dream scenario I would have someone I can consider a friend who could share their intimate knowledge with me, to help me discover what I like but I know there’s judgment around being someone’s first gay experience. My relationship was very healthy and drama free and I’m not looking for some hurtful situationship. I want to go on flirty dates and sext. I want to fuck and hangout and go home knowing there isn’t pressure for more but also feel respected and safe. But strangers are so scary!!!!! Sure I’ve had a lot of sex (but just with one person) and I know my body but new people are so unknown. I’m not sure what I’m good at, I’m not sure how to be with someone I don’t intimately know, I’m not sure who to trust. Full disclaimer I’ve worked in survivor advocacy in the sexual and domestic violence field for years and feel a bit jaded by how truly horrible people can be. I can’t even imagine going to a stranger’s house or trusting them enough to bring them to mine. I just want to feel safe but I know there isn’t any certainty in what will happen with someone you don’t know.

I guess my big question is how the hell do I find people who want something similar when I can’t just start with my community since I don’t really have one. Everything feels like to get to what I want, I’ll need to spend so long just building up to it that it’s gonna be so long until I can have the experiences I’m wanting. I’m feeling lost and a bit discouraged, hopefully an experienced gay can tell me it’s going to be okay?

p.s. I know watching heated rivalry is not helping with my desires but goddamn I want some hot queer sex like now.

Summer: Two things come to my mind in relation to your situation. Firstly, if you date around queer people, you’ll find that queer people are (unsurprisingly) less committed to heteronormative life paths than heterosexual people. The expectation of being in serious relationships in your late twenties and aiming to ‘settle’ has waned even among heterosexual people, but it’s practically six-feet-under for the gays. If you start poking around in places with queer people, you will find a lot of different life stages, expectations, and personalities independent of numeric age. It is never too late to start exploring yourself and meeting new people. It’s only too late if you don’t do it at all.

The second thing on my mind is that figuring out that you’re queer at any age can readily be seen as a new form of personal freedom. You’re newly single and have knowledge about yourself. You’re in a great position to try new things and new people. That can seem harrowing if you’re accustomed to a common idea of how life and dating ‘should’ work, but responsibility is the cost of freedom. I think that by sticking your nose into new places and seeing what the other writers have to say, you’ll grow into this.

Nico: I know that a first step for you is something you’re already part of the way there on. You have articulated what you want and are looking for (right now, because that can change of course), and now I think you need to figure out and write down your limits and boundaries when it comes to dating. You mentioned, for example, that you don’t want to end up in “some hurtful situationship,” so aside from hoping you won’t develop too-serious feelings for someone, which no one can really control. You mentioned a fear of going over to strangers’ houses. You also mentioned wanting to feel safe and not pressured for more. You can develop guidelines and boundaries for yourself ahead of jumping into dating – and you don’t necessarily need to put these on your profile. For example, you can define for yourself about how many dates you would need to go on with a person or how much you want to feel you know about them before inviting them over. Don’t be afraid to ask friends for support either. It’s totally normal to tell a friend where you’re going and who you’ll be with if you’re going on a date — and even to ask them to check in later. I certainly do it! When you start dating someone and the question of visiting someone’s home comes up, you should feel free to let them know when you think you’ll be ready. Everyone has different limits and if it takes you meeting up five times before you want to invite them over, then that’s okay! If they don’t want to respect that, then you just move on.

As for finding people who want a kind of friends-first but with intimacy situation, you just have to articulate that that’s what you’re looking for up front. That becomes easier if you use dating apps because you can just write it out. Then, when you’re looking for people to date, see if they say something similar.

It’s also looking like you’re wanting to explore the kind of non-monogamy that people used to just call casual dating. If you’re not interested in committing to a monogamous relationship with someone right now (which, I do not recommend because you are saying you want essentially the opposite), then you need to both be up front about that and be able to handle the fact that whoever you’re seeing is also free to see other people.

You also might strike out several if not more times as you go on your journey. You might have some uncomfortable or bad (but hopefully not traumatic) experiences. Part of being a part of the flirting, dating, and hooking-up scene is that you are often meeting strangers, and it’s going to take work to get to know people and find people or a person you’re compatible with and excited about.

Finally, I just simply recommend going the dating app route for finding dates. You mention your community is small and there aren’t many available people in it. A cool thing about dating is that it can also grow your community over time. Your dates should have friends too, and if you meet their people, now you know even more people! Neat!

Riese: You’re definitely not the first person to come to us for advice on this topic, so lemme give you some other stuff to read: