Hello and welcome back to episodic recaps of one of the wildest dating reality programs on television: The Ultimatum: Queer Love. That’s right, I’m your host once again for season two of this series, and unlike the host of the show itself, I’m actually gay! This first recap covers episodes 1-3, and recaps of future episodes will roll out tomorrow and the day after. Also, check out our rundown of who everyone is!

The Ultimatum: Queer Love Recap – Episode 1

First Dinner

Okay, so it’s not really a dinner that the season two convenes for. More like a tribunal with drinks. Fear not, our inexplicably straight host Joanna Garcia Swisher is here to reintroduce the concept of the show: Every couple has come here to issue an ultimatum. The ultimatum giver wants to get married, and the ultimatum receiver is unsure about marriage for one reason or another. Tomorrow, they will “break up” and proceed to all date each other before The Choice, during which they will pick a fellow cast member as their partner in a Trial Marriage. They will live together for three weeks, snuggle on couches, share a bed, you know, it definitely is exactly like a real marriage to someone. Then they will have a chance at a Trial Marriage with their Original Partners. In the end, they will leave engaged to their Original Partner, alone, or newly in love with a stranger they met via reality television.

During this introductory bit, we’re introduced to a few of the couples, including AJ and Britney, who have been dating for five years. Britney gave the ultimatum to AJ, because as she explains at this first sit-down, she’s very goal-oriented and has accomplished everything she has set out to do, and this is the next goal. AJ, however, feels like she can’t give Britney what she deserves.

We also meet Haley and Pilar, who are only 29-years-old but have been dating for a decade, so like, their entire adult lives. Haley issued the ultimatum to Pilar, who has reservations about getting married because of familial baggage. She hid her relationship for 8 years, came out a few years ago, and her family hasn’t spoken to her since.

Straight Lady Joanna Garcia Swisher then takes it upon herself to explain she, too, can relate to this moment, because her parents both recently passed, and it has made her realize that it’s the new family of her husband and kids that has helped her move through that grief. “I’m not in a queer relationship,” she reminds us. But “I am an old married woman,” she also reminds us, like that’s meant to explain what makes her qualified for this hosting gig. Alrighty then! So glad we cleared that up!

Heterosexual Joanna Garcia Swisher then summons a cavalcade of engagement rings on platters to remind the group that this all ends with a potential proposal. But first, tomorrow they must go through the charade of a pretend breakup from their significant other.

Original Couples Last Night/Morning Together

I do need to note the significance of this season’s location for me personally. Last season was filmed in San Diego, and this season is filmed in Miami, where I used to live. Since every condo building in a particular stretch of Miami looks the same, every time there’s an exterior shot of a condo building on the show, I’m like: IS THAT MY FORMER HOME? It hasn’t been so far.

On their last evening together, we check in with Dayna and Magan, who have been dating for 1.5 years, which seems awfully early to introduce an ultimatum to a relationship, though if you ask me, the right time to introduce an ultimatum in a relationship is never.

Magan and Dayna

Dayna issued the ultimatum, but Magan is in a similar position to Pilar with her family. She is Arab, Lebanese specifically, and she doesn’t feel like she can be fully proudly out in her family. She reminds Dayna that they come from different places. Indeed, the cultural and familial context here feels really meaningful? But Dayna doesn’t really seem to get it? More on this to come, I’m sure.

Bridget and Kyle pop a bottle of champagne to toast to their “last night together” as a couple, which they have been for 2.5 years.

Kyle and Bridget

Kyle issued the ultimatum to Bridget, because Kyle has always wanted to get married. Bridget, apparently, has never really wanted to get married. These are the types of conversations I really recommend couples have and heed early on in their relationships, to avoid having to go through the trouble of going on reality television to realize that these are fundamentally opposing positions within a relationship. If it were merely up to her heart, Bridget concedes she would marry. It’s her head that’s getting in the way. She wants to know what marriage would add to the relationship that it doesn’t already have.

I do think a core tenet of this series is that people overthink marriage, which doesn’t really change a relationship all that much, especially if you’re already living together. Take it from me, a happily married gay!

Ashley and Marita have been dating for three years, but Marita — as Ashley puts it — has wandering eyes. And so Ashley has issued an ultimatum in the hopes of keeping those eyes fixed squarely on her.

Ashley and Marita

Marita confesses that, yes, she does have wandering eyes, because isn’t it natural to be curious about what else might be out there in terms of a romantic connection? Here’s the thing, Marita! It sounds like you might be poly? Or you might just be 25.

Their last morning together comes on the heels of Marie and Mel‘s fourth anniversary together, which is also how old their food truck business is! “Our food truck shares our anniversary, it’s something that we’ve overlooked a bit,” they say. True. Sometimes your food truck shares your anniversary and it’s something you’ve overlooked a bit. Marie issued the ultimatum to Mel, who has some reservations about marriage having grown up calling four different women “mom” who all eventually exited her life permanently.

Marie and Mel

AJ and Britney are having a hard time on their last morning. Britney asks AJ to again explain what the marriage hold up is, and AJ says she feels like she can’t be the knight in shining armor Britney deserves and that Britney might wake up one day and realize she wants something better. I’m sensing a consistent undercurrent of insecurity from AJ. You don’t have to be perfect and have 100% of your shit together to get married! But I don’t need to explain that to AJ, because her partner Britney is right there trying to explain it to her. Britney asks if AJ thinks she could fall for someone else, and AJ says they both could. Britney then accidentally basically describes the premise of the show in her tearful goodbye to AJ:

“I brought us here because I want you and now I’m losing you to hopefully gain you forever.”

Yep, that is indeed the gig!

Speed Dating on a Beach

“HOT-TO-GO” by Chappell Roan plays as the gang descends upon Miami Beach for a little speed dating in the sun. Everyone is BROKEN UP NOW. Their Original Partners are their EXES. They are SINGLE. It’s all very REAL.

I do love Mel and Magan gassing each other up as each other’s handsomest dates. And Britney is feeling good in her thongkini with her whole booty out, as she should! She looks great! “I’m just excited to be dating again,” Marita says, with genuine enthusiasm. Again, girl, you can date while being in a relationship. There are so many Autostraddle articles you should read.

Dayna wants to pretend she doesn’t even know Magan so she can focus on dating. Magan told her not to wear all her hottest swimsuits, but she is indeed wearing her hottest swimsuit. Mel picked out Marie’s swimsuits for her.

On their first speed date together, Mel tells Dayna that “all Daynas are trouble.” I’ve never heard this theory, but I’ll roll with it. While Mel and Dayna are on this date, we keep cutting to Magan, who is FIGHTING BACK TEARS. She is not doing well with seeing her girlfriend — sorry, “ex” — vibing with someone else.

Since family is the issue between Dayna and Magan, Dayna asks Mel about her relationship with her family. But Mel is estranged from her family and has been living on her own since she was 16, supported by her chosen family.

Magan seems like she’s still fighting back tears when on her date with Pilar. In a talking head off to the side, she says she’s indeed feeling jealousy. I swear for this entire episode, every time Magan is on-screen, it feels like there’s a producer just out of shot holding a GUN TO HER HEAD. She hates this! She’s about to cry every second! Someone save her!

Magan and Pilar connect over their family stuff, and these are the moments I really enjoy on this show (other than the messy drama, which is indeed entertaining), because it feels real, and it taps into a very genuine and specifically queer concern about marriage and what it represents. Some people struggle with the idea of getting married — and especially of having a wedding — when family cannot be involved. It can be sooooo hard to shed and go against cultural expectations.

Pilar also goes on a date with Kyle and opens up about how she and Haley were each other’s first queer relationships, so they’ve never really had any experience outside of each other until now. Pilar ends up also interested in Bridget after their speed date, putting her between the two Original Partners. Juicy!

On their speed date, AJ and Marie both discover they live in Orlando. Hey! Same here! Am I about to be in community with a bunch of these people at the next lesbian nightlife party in town (there are a LOT — don’t let the propaganda fool you: Florida is queer as hell). AJ says she bought a house in Orlando. Well, actually, Britney bought the house. Britney is the one with a clear plan. Mostly, I’m just jealous Britney owns a house in Orlando and I do not.

Britney and Mel also bond over living in Orlando and joke they should make a chart between them all. DO IT! Mel wants someone independent and driven by work, and Britney seems to check those boxes. Could we be headed for a one-for-one partner swap between Mel/Marie and Britney/AJ?

Well, we’ll see, because AJ is also vibing with Marita on their speed date, where Marita shares just how much of a grand gesture romantic she is. She created a 98 page book detailing her love story with Ashley. Marita wants someone who is going to give her the same grand romantic gestures she gives them. She may have found that in AJ, who shares her very over-the-top story of how she asked Britney to be her girlfriend, complete with a local artist’s cover of a song they initially bonded over, a downtown club in Orlando, and a hotel. And SHE’S the one who feels icky about a proposal?!

The Cocktail Mixer

Everyone is then thrown into the figurative bullpen at the end of the episode for a rooftop bar mixer where they can flirt, spiral, and cry. As a group, they discuss their celeb crushes, effectively making me feel old by saying people like Lauren Sanderson, Reneé Rapp, and Fletcher. To be fair, I didn’t even crush on young celebs when I was in my teens and twenties. I’ve always had crushes on famous women 20+ years my senior, so this entire concept of crushing on generational peers is foreign to me.

Marita, already pretty smitten by AJ, makes sure to pull her aside for a private conversation. Ashley admits it’s kind of tough to see Marita connecting with someone else. Some people are indeed Not Doing Well with the premise of the show. Magan’s feet are so cold she can barely stand. She tells Dayna she’s having trouble opening up and like there isn’t really anyone here for her.

Dayna, meanwhile, is hitting it off with Mel some more. Dayna thinks Mel has a confidence about who she is that Magan lacks. I don’t think it’s super fair to compare people who are at different points of estrangement from homophobic family members!

Kyle is torn between wanting Bridget to connect with someone and being jealous of that. Pilar is still caught between being interested in both of them.

Britney spends much of the night watching AJ talk to other girls. She knows AJ has game, and it’s making her uncomfortable. AJ checks in with her, and they have a private talk that results in Britney crying and saying she feels stupid. “You make it look so easy,” she tells AJ. Britney, you’re beautiful! You own a home! If someone doesn’t want to commit to you, that’s a them problem! Walk away! Without the reality television rigamarole!

One Final Plea

The episode ends with Magan making one final plea with Dayna not to go through with this. “Why are we going through this trial marriage?” she asks. Well, because it is the rules for the show you have agreed to be on, is my guess. But the concept of the trial partner is breaking poor Magan’s brain. “They are your trial partner. Marriage. So you’re going to be doing marriage things with them,” she reiterates. To which I say: What marriage things? This is all make believe, pretend marriage. Cohabitating for a few weeks and snuggling on a couch while watching Netflix? I think what she’s actually saying is that she feels like there’s the potential for Dayna to hook up with someone, and she doesn’t want that. “I don’t know if I were to get past certain things if they were to happen,” she says, suggesting physical intimacy would be a dealbreaker for her. “This might be too much for me,” she adds. Girl, I think it is!

I famously approach these recaps from the point of view of someone who does not watch the straight version of the series, but I’ve been informed that in almost every season of The Ultimatum: Heterosexual Love (that’s what it’s called, right?), a couple walks away before getting to the point of the trial. I didn’t know that was an option! I’m sure they take a pay hit for it, but wow, someone like Magan who is expressing this much regret and uncertainty should definitely walk! Dayna should walk with her if she actually has any hope of this relationship lasting! Y’all chose this! But you can also un-choose it!

But perhaps seeing all decisions in life as permanent is exactly what leads people in otherwise functioning relationships to marital ultimatums.

Early predictions for The Choice: It’s pretty heard to get a read on who has chemistry with who at the moment. I think Marie might want to choose AJ, but I think AJ has her eyes on multiple people, definitely Marita. I think Marita would choose her back. I think Pilar will end up choosing Kyle, who would choose her back. Mel might choose Dayna, who would definitely choose her back. I think that’s all I have for now? I’d love to see Magan choose Britney, even though that isn’t really a dynamic we’ve seen on screen yet. I’m just IMAGINING sparks could fly, especially since both seem pretty grown (and are with partners who are less so).

On the next page: Ultimatum Queer Love Episode 2 Recap

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