Hello and welcome to the newest installment of Teen Girl Squad! Let’s go get ready to look SO GOOD. Word!

First a 1940s hallucination and now an Ezra classroom hallucination? Wtf is in those pills, Spence?

We begin, very much like we did in the last episode, in Ezra’s classroom. Except this time Spencer is asleep, lying on the diary. Barefoot and in pajamas, even. She looks terrified as Ezra walks in, and for a moment, I think he’s being genuinely worried about her.

He’s being really cryptic but also caring. I mean, clearly she’s strung out on something.

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He gives the Ezra creepy face, his signature contemplative look, as she runs from the room.

Spencer’s in the bathroom, putting on clothes that I would have rocked in seventh grade. Emily and Hanna walk in, looking exceptionally good in matching metallic clothing and stand and stare at Spencer in her gym clothes. Apparently Spencer called Emily at 4am. Spencer wants to tell Aria about Ezra right NOW. They argue about how dangerous the timing is.

Whoops, lost my lips for a second.

Ezra corners Aria in the hallway and tells her about Spencer’s drug use, including some past drug use.

He gives her Spencer’s school file, which I am so sure is against about nine hundred policies that I can’t even. She’s had this issue in the past? At this point, we’re not sure if that’s something real or something A planted.

You’re tacky and I hate you.

Toby is at school with lunch and a haircut Jon Bon Jovi used to have/might still have. He’s extra sappy in this episode, and I’m wondering why. More thoughts on that at the end! He asks her if she’s upset that he signed the legal agreement, and she says she’s not. I’m not convinced.

Baby, Bon Jovi is still totally cool, don’t even worry about it.

Toby offers to have a date night: “We need some time together” he says.

It’s obvious that his girlfriend hasn’t showered in a long time/isn’t sleeping/is really looking bananas these days, but he says, “I’d almost forgotten your smell” and not “What the fuck is actually going on here, your hair is usually impeccable.” Worst boyfriend ever.

Emily and Hanna have been avoiding Aria all day, which is legit and what a high school girl would definitely do if they were trying to not show her they know she’s with Ezra again.

Rule 34 is really gross sometimes.

Aria tells them about Spencer’s drug problem and they make a plan for a DUN DUN DUN intervention!

Quick, everyone, Spencer is here, look natural.

Spencer’s intervention was really intense. I really felt for her in this scene, which means Troian’s acting must have been spot on because I have no patience for this shit usually. Spence keeps trying to turn the tables on Aria, but Emily, Aria, and Hanna stick to their guns about making Spencer get help/stop her drug use. Hanna is her typical blunt self in this episode, which I love.

At one point Spencer references the 1940s flashback she had in the last episode, which kind of broke my heart, you know? This whole thing was really upsetting for Spencer fans ’round the world. Spence ends up panicking and tells Aria that Ezra is A, though I’m thinking that might not be the best/most believable way to do that, you know?

I need an old priest and a young priest.

Spencer’s credibility is completely gone at this point. Wren’s prescription pad falls out of her bag, though she insists that she didn’t put it there.

Wasn’t Wren in med school? How long does med school last? How long until you get to be an M.D.? Lizz, I need you. I need you so hard right now.

I believe her, we saw A with those prescription pads a few episodes ago.

SHOVE, DOVE, ABOVE, SHALL I GO ON?

Mona and Mike are at the Apple Rose Grille, and Mike says that he wants Mona to say the big L word. UH WHAT. How long have you guys been dating?! Two episodes?! Slow it down there, champs. To further increase the awkwardness of this scene, Ezra walks in!

Lost my lips.

Just joshin’ you, there they are.

Mona talks to him, saying she doesn’t want to be a part of whatever he has going on anymore and he threatens her, telling her that she has to help him. What does he have on her? What are they doing together? Any guesses?

omg I knew that Ke$ha song would come back around to haunt us.

Hanna and Emily are eating pizza at Hanna’s place, talking about Spencer and Aria and their addictions to drugs and love, respectively.

Why is everyone always hanging out without me?!

Spencer comes in and gives them the rest of her pills, which is very after-school-special, but I want to believe she’s trying.

Jesse Spano’s stash

I want to believe!

No, Hanna, see, I drew you this diagram so you could see that clearly the first person’s left leg goes OVER the other person’s right leg. THAT’S how you Autostraddle.

Spence convinces them that they need to figure out how to get A to come to Ambrose Pavilion, which is in the zoo. They need to convince A that Ali will be showing up at Ambrose Pavilion to get the money. Spencer is sure that it will be Ezra showing up.

ugh I have to have parents again in this episode? This is so not even fair.

The next day at the Hastings house, OH MY GOODNESS IT IS MRS HASTINGS. SHE IS ALIVE AND AROUND. Spencer is sleeping a lot, so that’s yayyyy, but she lies to her mom, then Toby, about where she will be that night so she can do the Ambrose Pavilion drop.

Yeah baby, we’ll do anything you want to.

Surely lying to two separate people won’t backfire, like the times in high school my best friend and I would say we were staying at each other’s houses and then it’d be 3am and we’d be sleepy and have to camp out in my car in a grocery store parking lot because we couldn’t go home. Just saying.

So then I’m like, you want ME to wear these pink pants for an entire fucking episode? I don’t THINK so!

At Casa de Fitz, Aria and Ezra are hanging out, doin’ some dishes, as you do, and talking about Spencer. Aria tells him about Spencer’s intervention, and almost spills that Spencer thinks Ezra is A. She stops just short of saying that, and Ezra mentions something about Radley, saying that the helmet and a tattoo made her lose it before.

What do you mean I should never play poker?

Aria catches him on this, asking him how he knew about the tattoo. He is very obviously caught in this lie, and it’s really unnerving.

So I married an axe murderer.

This is the first time we see Aria actually considering that Ezra might be A. How scary would that be, for real?

At the Brew, Emily, Spencer, and Hanna have devised a plan that tells Ezra they’ll be at Ambrose Pavilion, where Ezra overhears Emily saying they’re going to give the money to Ali there tonight at closing.

Spencer, I told you not to send me those kinds of Snapchats while I’m at work.

He eavesdrops and writes this down. Interesting!

Zombie Spencer returns!

Spencer is at home, and she’s not doing so great. She’s sweating, and shaking, and generally going through some bad withdrawals. She calls up the doctor’s office pretending to be her mother to refill her prescription. Then, Andrew calls. We kind of have to assume she’s getting her drugs that way.

Wait, my daughter called you and all you heard was “BRAAAAINZZZZ?”

After Spencer leaves, the doctor calls back and Mrs. Hastings answers. BUSTED.

love or self-absorption, you decide!

Aria busts into the cabin, trying every possible literary code word for his security system. Faulkner, Wordsworth, Dickinson… then B26 works, their song on the jukebox. Kinda cute. B26 is also his first published poem, so maybe it’s just self-righteous after all.

Do do dooo just leaving these right here even though I can hear Hansen’s sister yelling at me.

She walks in and immediately leaves her keys near the door (my sister starts yelling “The keys! No! Don’t be so fucking stupid!”). Aria is looking for evidence about A, and finds the trap door to his lair. IT IS EMPTY. The A Lair is totally gone.

What, no sex swings down here?

What the fuck? So he installed a security system and moved his lair for what reason? Did he catch that Aria must be onto him?

Can’t tell if I’m more pissed Ezra lied about being vegan or a psycho murderer.

The last time my writing was critiqued with THIS much red pen, I cried for two days and ate all my feelings in pizza, but maybe Ezra has a thicker skin.

While she’s looking around, she finds a manuscript hidden in a hollowed out version of Carnivore’s Delight. The manuscript is a story about Alison, and furthermore, kissing Alison, and even more than that, a ton of fragmented sentences ugh. Here’s the text of the first page:

The first thing Alison ever told me about herself was a lie. Lying was her oxygen. She could do it while she was laughing, she could even do it when she was kissing you.

That’s what’s remarkable about lies. How they can fool you, what they’ll become. Where they can take you. It all starts with one. No matter how simple, no matter how grand, a truly great lie can live on after you’re gone. Surprising even it’s architect with the places it can climb – deep into our hearts, twisting into our souls. The fantastical places it can take you high above this world, far into another. Before ultimately crashing the flames of the fire scorching anyone left in the way.

Such is the case of Alison DiLaurentis. A girl constructed by lies, held together by secrets. A life founded in fiction. Predestined for tragedy as fantasy and reality intertwined, forever blurring the lines of a life cut short. All of it adding to the allure of the girl – suddenly gone.

I often wonder what she thought on that waning summer night, as the shovel came down. Slashing through skin, driving to bone. As the light faded out on her mischievous game she flippantly referred to as life. Was she scared as her body started to waver? As she stared up from the ground, as the sod began to surround her, as her lungs filled with dirt? Was she scared or deep down did she know it was the only way it could have been. An unpleasant finish but a captivating end. Or was it only the beginning…?

I wondered at the time, what would become of those she left behind? To her family and friends. To the ones she’d collected along the way. When the trail for answers went cold, would these hot blooded souls be left to chill______? To the girls who called her their friend which is only to prove they ______Their queen crusader. She’s lead angels to….

Aria is immediately convinced that Ezra is A. Someone pulls up in the driveway: duh, it’s Ezra! Good timing! He had a text from the security system about the wrong passwords being entered. He also has like nine hundred security cameras he stalks constantly, so.

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He walks into the cabin and finds Aria’s keys. My sister feels so validated. Aria steals the manuscript and makes a break for it outside, and Ezra chases her through the woods, maximizing on his creepy Ezra face.

Near orgasm or just filled with terror?

He calls her phone and hears it, but she hides fairly well. I’ll be honest, this scene really scared me. Would Ezra hurt Aria? I don’t know!

BECAUSE OF FUCKING COURSE

Simultaneously happening, Ambrose Pavilion turns out to be a reptile house, because OF COURSE IT IS, of course Pretty Little Liars is just capitalizing on all of my biggest fears: dentists, garbage disposals, now snakes? What’s next, people hiding out in the bushes near your house late at night? Oh wait.

Anyway, we’re at the snake place, ugh, and the audio about the snakes keeps mentioning carnivorous. Uhhhhh.

Eh, it’s not THAT impressive, I’ve used dicks with Paige that were at least twice as big.

Spencer is late. Someone in a blonde wig comes in, who they assume is Spencer, but then the real Spencer comes in behind them. So who is in the blonde wig, hmm?

What’s that, the Liars are somewhere at night? Let’s fuck with the electricity!

The Liars get trapped in the exhibit and all the lights start flashing and at this point in the show, which is at the same time as Ezra chasing Aria through the woods, I am not too proud to tell you that I was hiding behind my hands for this part. They eventually bust out of the reptile exhibit and pass a discarded blonde wig.

What ski lift is open until 8pm in an off season?

Aria runs to some ski lifts, which are very conveniently closed, and Ezra hops on just at the last second.

I told you like twelve times I wanted the cookie dough Oreos but you keep buying the birthday cake kind and I just won’t fucking stand for it anymore and THAT’S why we’re breaking up, Ezra!

Being caught on a stopped ski lift with someone who may or may not want to kill you sounds like a terrible idea, don’t you think? But it is a great time to make someone listen to you.

Learn to write your story in complete sentences, asshole. It’s not a clever voice, it’s just stupid.

She starts screaming at him (I am all for that reaction, seriously) about how much he’s lied and hurt her. He admits many, many things here:

1. He knew Alison when she was alive. She lied to him about her age.
2. He says he never hurt Alison.
3. He is working on a true crime novel about her.
4. He knew who Aria was when they met.
5. He took the Rosewood job knowing it would put him closer to the Liars.
6. He knew Alison was alive.
7. He says he’s in love with her.

She is holding his manuscript telling him that she’s going to read every last word, wanting to know what was worth destroying their relationship over. I am so Team Aria at this point. Ezra shoves it out of her hands. It falls a million feet to the ground. He didn’t think to make copies and now it’s all in the freezing lake with eels?! Ughhhh.

Mona fixes her hair, perhaps after being under a blonde wig? Hmmmmm make that obvious.

We dash on over to the Montgomery household, where Mona is coming in late for a date with Mike, who is a jerk and started their movie without her. I think it was Mona in the blonde wig at the snake exhibit. Thoughts on this? Aria comes in, looking just about as traumatized as you’d imagine. How’d they get off the ski lift? She walks right past Mona, who looks guilty as fuck.

I’m back for ONE fucking episode and you’re already on drugs? Jesus, Spencer.

Spencer comes home to Toby waiting up for her. He says her mom was worried about her. Totally, totally busted. Toby gives better guilt trips than my own mother, and that’s saying something. He gives her a necklace, which was meant for their date. Why is Toby such a hopeless romantic in this episode?

Wonder how dehydrated Troian got filming this episode with all of her tears.

Spencer’s mom also guilt trips her, and confirms that she used to have a drug using problem, which solidifies the fact that A didn’t sneak that note into her file. Also, is it weird that no one asks Spencer where she was? Really?

Symbolic placement of literature? Don’t mind if I do!

Aria is lying in a comatose state at her house, naturally as one is known to do after finding out their boyfriend is a stalker whackjob, and an amazing Lily Lane song is playing.

Reasons Aria would need to leave Rosewood: 1) Ezra is a criminal/definite stalker. So save your little heartfelt inscriptions, buddy.

She looks over at the Sherwood Anderson book (Winesburg, Ohio) that Ezra gave her “For when you need to leave Rosewood, Ezra” is written on the inside. She throws the book across the room.

I love that they gave Aria a little bit of a ragey moment here. My rage feels validated by her rage.

Fucking litterbugs.

Over in A land, A is picking up the manuscript pieces. Note that they aren’t showing us it is Ezra. We just get the black hoodie and black gloves.

Big things we learned in this episode:

– So much stuff about Ezra! He’s writing a true crime novel, knew who Aria was, knew Alison, et cetera.
– Spencer has a history of substance abuse.

Okay, I think it’s huge that Ezra admitted to knowing Ali. It’s really interesting that his character has become so ambiguous. Is he good or bad, truly? It seems way too obvious that the show has told us he is A and we’ve never seen him in the black hoodie. We saw Toby in the black hoodie before the Liars knew, but never Ezra. It could mean that he’s the big A, or that he’s separate, or a C-team, or a good cop even? It could literally mean anything. Maybe he’s even a mediocre writer and he’s telling the truth.

Do you think Ezra loves Aria or do you think he was telling her that to get the manuscript back? Here’s the promo for next week.

Looks like Aria’s going to finally snap.

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