‘How Do I Handle Losing Our Connection Post-Breakup?’

Q:

advice request on queer love turning into friendship, honestly, it’s been really sad. i always imagined that even after a breakup, the connection and the joy would still be there in some shape. but instead it feels more like i’m being… managed? like i’m only allowed to text every two weeks, and i’m this person she has to keep at a distance, not someone she once loved and genuinely enjoyed connecting with.

it’s a strange grief. i know i’m the one who ended things, but we both still loved each other at the time and the circumstances didn’t line up. i guess i hoped the human part of being seen, being known, that first queer connection would survive all the scripts about friends with exes and fears.

just feeling a bit hopeless about it today. love and connection are so rare even if it’s not romantic it feels like despair to lose this queer connection.

A:

Even under the best circumstances, breakups are…difficult.

(and what an understatement that is)

Regardless of age, gender, or sexuality, at our hearts we are human beings who crave comfort and connection. Losing all that with someone is painful. Even though you were the one to initiate the breakup, you still feel the pain of that lost connection. And, in all likelihood, so does she. I know it feels like you’re being managed and held at arm’s length. But this is not necessarily a punishment, or her following some cultural script about maligning exes. It’s entirely possible — even likely — she’s creating that distance to manage her own pain about losing connection with you.

I consider two ingredients to be important in having healthy friendships with exes:

1. An amicable breakup
2. Time and emotional distance to process

A breakup doesn’t have to be mutual to be amicable. It helps, because it’s tough for the ‘dumped’ party not to have hard feelings. Even if she was initially resistant to, or shocked by, you wanting to break up, she may have come to agreement and acceptance. What really separates an amicable breakup from a nasty one is care and respect. If you both discussed and executed the breakup with respect and care for each other (and yourselves), then there’s a solid chance of maintaining a friendship.

However, both of you would still need to process the breakup individually. When a relationship ends (or becomes a friendship), it hurts. Processing that hurt takes time — sometimes a lot of time — and it’s even harder when the other person is still very present in your life and you are reminded of what’s changed or gotten lost. Your ex may need space from you while she navigates that pain before it’s able to fade.

Regardless of the fact that it was a queer relationship, or your/her first relationship, it’s over. Queer relationships (romantic or platonic) with other queers feature some extra in-group solidarity. The world can be a cruel and violent place for us, so we hold loyalty and sanctuary for each other. Those lost connections hurt more because they happen among people that accept and celebrate us. But before anything else, your ex is a person, and breakups are hard. Your ex is entitled to the time and space to process that and come to whatever conclusion she comes to. Even if that means not wanting you in her life anymore.

Things change

By definition, you can’t have what you used to have even in an amicable breakup. The relationship has passed, and this phase change needs to be accepted. You can’t keep the same routines, quality time, and emotional intimacy that you had before and just call it “friendship”. You might find a different connection with her as a friend, but many activities could simply flounder. You may never again be that close to her, and that’s both normal and okay. This is not a punishment or an indictment of you as a person. There’s no declaration of how lovable or unlovable you are here. This is a transitional period. Even when the pain fades, your ex may not have space for your full friendship, but you’ll only know the truth of that after you’ve both processed the separation.

The fact that you are feeling grief, sadness, hopelessness, and despair about the distance you are sensing tells me that the hurt hasn’t faded for you either. Maybe in a year’s time you’ll look back on this relationship and still feel wistful sadness or old grief. Right now, it’s raw. You need time and space to grieve for what you’ve lost. Once you and your ex have both had that, then you can revisit the possibility of a friendship together.

But how?

So I’ve talked a big game about processing a breakup, healing, letting the hurt fade, and all that. But how do you do that? Sit around and listen to a mournful breakup playlist? (Yes, actually. Ask me about mine). However, my most important anchors are routine, human connection, and recentering yourself.

Routine gives you the stability and consistency you need to let your system adjust to huge changes and big feelings. Human beings need routine and consistency, especially during difficult times. Your routine doesn’t have to be groundbreaking or optimised. Slow and steady wins the race.

It’s equally important to lean on your social circle for connection. You don’t have to open up and talk about all the hard stuff if you don’t want to, but make sure to talk to and spend time with other people regularly, even small talk with coworkers or strangers. Let all these interactions remind you of meaningful connections with others. You are not alone just because you don’t have a connection with her specifically.

It’s also helpful to recenter yourself by engaging in your hobbies and interests. It might not feel rewarding at first, but let yourself rediscover your passions. Allow your passions and interests to remind you that you are a human being in your own right, that you have an identity — and feel joy — that cannot be taken away from you. Post-breakup stress can be softened by doing all the things you couldn’t do in the relationship. Play the songs she hates. Enjoy that hobby you drifted away from. Watch the show she rejected but you wanted to see.

You may have lost a special connection. It might return as a friendship, but the current priority is you. You are a person of value, love, with an inner world. You will love again.