‘How Can I Curve Someone Trying To Be Friends?’

Q:

Hi, dyke here.

A few months ago, A friend of mine asked if I could do a huge 1 time favor (think: helping them move their whole apt big) for a friend of theirs who was in a bind. I said yes & did it & chatted with the person during/afterwards. I am a pretty animated person and attentive listener, and liked this person, though I didn’t necessarily feel a OMG we need to be friends spark. My (large, at a public park) bday party was later that week & the mutual friend was invited so I invited this person as well, who didn’t end up coming.

About a week later, I met up with them to drop off something of theirs related to the original task & they were having a rough day, so I stayed for a bit.

In the months since, they’ve been texting me & clearly wanting to be friends but the more we talk, the more I really don’t vibe with them. I tried to cool off a bit by taking a day or more to respond, but they respond immediately whether it’s a wk later or an hour. it’s beginning to become clear I can’t curve them in an unsaid way but here’s the thing…

i don’t dislike them! I would hang in group settings, and happily chat them up. but i’m not trying to be 1 on 1 friends like that, especially because i’m overwhelmed with unrelated shit & happily have a good number of friends already.  How do I handle this delicately, knowing they’re mutual friends w a friend of mine?

A:

This is neither here nor there, but I feel like I should start all my emails with “Hi, dyke here.”

So this is maybe a hot take and perhaps others will disagree with me, but I don’t think this really requires a conversation. Because — and this is the part that might make some people really upset — I think there are instances where ghosting is actually okay, and this is one of them.

Now, what do I really mean by “ghosting?” Obviously, you can’t fade out of this person’s life entirely, given the mutual friend of it all. But I would not just cool off the conversation; I would stop having it altogether. I don’t think you need to text this person! And I don’t think you need to explain why you’re stopping!

The major caveat: You’ll have to offer an explanation if they ask why you’ve stopped texting them or seeking out one-on-one interactions with them. And you have to tell the truth. “I just got busy” or “it was unintentional!” won’t really fly here. Instead, you’ll have to be honest that you’re currently at your social capacity and that while you enjoy them in groups, you don’t have a ton to give in terms of one-on-one friendship at the moment. Is it possible they’ll be offended by this? Sure! But that’s life. You’re not actually harming anyone by telling them you don’t want to be friends. Think about it like dating! It’s not all that different.

In my mind, if someone I didn’t know all that well and had only spent limited time with stopped texting me, I’d take the hint and back off. So there’s a chance it will indeed never come up so you won’t have to offer that explanation. Now, that’s not going to be everyone, sure. But I think this is an instance where initiating a whole conversation isn’t really necessary unless it comes up. Maybe some people will accuse me of avoidance, but this is actually exactly how I’d want to be treated if I were this friend of a friend. I don’t need a whole conversation about why someone doesn’t want to be friends with me. I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, so I’d rather take the hint and move along. Again, this is also how I’d feel in a dating context, and I think it can help a bit to think of this in similar terms.

I do think there has been a bit of an overcorrection to the call for more direct communication in casual social contexts like this. Direct communication is great! Conversations are great! But not all social interactions require them. Again, if this person is direct with you first, you do owe it to them to be honest and direct in response.

And look, I am again basing this advice on what I think I would like to happen if I were on the other side of this. But your mileage may vary and so may theirs. If you’re the type who prefers to get ahead of something, go ahead and tell them you’re currently at your social capacity and don’t have a lot to offer in terms of one-on-one friendship right now. Don’t get into too many details about that “unrelated shit” you’re overwhelmed with, because that’s a conversation that falls into friendship territory. It’s okay to be blunt. I also just think it’s okay to sort of quietly stop communicating with this person.