Glee Episode 605 Recap: I’m All Out of F*cks

But wait, it gets even more bonkers! Sue has created a Saw puppet of herself, riding a tricycle and wearing a tracksuit, and that thing comes riding into the elevator with a gift basket of wine and cheese and tells Kurt and Blaine in a creepy-as-hell robot voice that they’ve got to kiss on the mouth or they’re going to die in here and be forced to eat one another. They pretend to kiss, but that doesn’t cut it. So she pedals away and leaves them in their steamy elevator with their romantic picnic basket.

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What in the holy name of Betty Buckley…

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Nothing is holy! Nothing is sacred! I piss on everything you love and laugh at you for crying about it!

They lounge around, taking off their clothes a little at a time, affectionally watching each other nap, trying to escape, and finally deciding to play Celebrity. Fun facts: They planned to name their celebrity child Fettuccine Alfredo. Kurt’s ironic rapper name would be MC Hot Chocolate. Blaine thinks Dave eats too much ice cream.

Mentioning Dave’s name is what ruins the moment for Kurt, and also causes him to almost vomit. Sue’s Saw doll comes wheeling back in, talking about how Kurt and Blaine are being selfish for depriving the world of the romance it so desperately needs/deserves, so she’s going to drug them to make out with each other.

Y’all, what the lump is even happening? And why? Why? I don’t just mean these scenes; I mean this whole season. New characters we’ll never get to know replacing longtime fan favorite characters who never got a proper sendoff. Recycling plot lines that were already tiresome the third time we rehashed them back in season one. Nearly everyone acting out of character, even by Glee‘s loosy-goosey standards of what it means to be in-character. Mostly these ham-fisted meta storylines that feel like they’re attacking the fans whose lives were actually changed by these characters.

One of the weirdest things about The L Word is that the fifth season was the best one of the whole run. It was so meta it was basically like swallowing your own head, but it was also weirdly wonderful. Self-referential TV done right is a very fun thing to watch. 30 Rock. Arrested Development. Community. But for it to be enjoyable, the audience has to be able to laugh at themselves while also feeling like they’re in on the joke.

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And the Academy Award for __________ goes to _________.

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Not Giving A Fuck, Glee’s Writers Room

Glee’s final season feels like an alternate universe historical dramedy about how the captain of the Titanic refused to acknowledge that his majestic vessel had smashed into an iceberg until nearly everyone had thrown themselves overboard into the freezing ocean, at which time he strapped dynamite to the parts of his ark that were still afloat and stood on the deck shouting and fuck you everyone who believed this ship was unsinkable, and fuck you to everyone who told me it was filling up with water, too! while the whole giant boat exploded into nautical smithereens and was devoured by a gay leviathan at the bottom of the sea.

(I wouldn’t feel bitter about staying home on a Friday night to watch that show, but it’d have to have real sea monsters.)

Lezbihonest, Glee has never handled criticism well. Most of its meta moments have been about flipping off superfans (Lesbian Blogger Community, anyone?) or have disingenuously assumed that mentioning a legitimate cultural criticism of the show inside the show is the same as fixing the problem. Like the time Will grinded up on all his students while singing Robin Thicke‘s “Blurred Lines” and afterward Artie was all, “You do realize this song is about date rape, right?” So you know it’s a song about date rape but you still paid for the rights to it so you can make a billion dollars selling singles of it on iTunes while also kicking royalties back to the guy who wrote it while also couching it in a storyline where the grown man teacher who dry humped his students while singing it is actually a hero? That’s so Glee!

Somehow, though, this frustrates me even more. It’s basically just Sue Sylvester saying out loud everything people have called Glee out on over the years while having her act like she’s trapped in some kind of dissociative Faustian nightmare. It’s like Glee is mocking shippers and also every person who had enough fortitude and liquor to make it this far. The world did desperately need the romance of these two characters. It changed everything. It needed Santana and it needed Brittany, too. People have been so vocal about these couples because they actually needed them. Why is Glee mocking the people whose whole lives have been made so much better because they finally got to see themselves reflected on TV? I just can’t wrap my head around why you would create a thing people love and then chastise them for loving it.

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Not all out of love, actually.

Anyway, Kurt and Blaine say they’ll make out, just for Sue, just so they can get out of this elevator. They know they’re lying. They’re doing it because they want to do it. But that’s what they tell themselves. When they finally do kiss, all open-mouthed and hungry, the Sue doll throws her hands into the air, and it’s filmed like the fourth wall perspective of a TV viewer. Even my girlfriend, who doesn’t even watch this show but is a film editor, looked up from playing Candy Crush to roll her eyes at this scene. (Not the kiss, the filmed perspective of the Sue puppet as TV viewer/shipper thing.) Luckily, Tumblr will fix this and Photoshop Sue’s arms right out of it.

Once Kurt and Blaine are free, they race to the auditorium to watch the final day of Invitationals.

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We have got to get out of this show! Hurry, before Ryan Murphy catches us!

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Heather Hogan is an Autostraddle senior editor who lives in New York City with her wife, Stacy, and their cackle of rescued pets. She's a member of the Television Critics Association, the Gay and Lesbian Entertainment Critics Association, and a Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer critic. You can also find her on Twitter, and Instagram.

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40 Comments

  1. Oh my gosh. What a redonkulous episode. That Sue puppet is more terrifying than Jumanji.

    Transphobic writers are disappointing to say the least. You are spot on about Glee making fun of people for identifying or shipping characters.

    Thank you for recapping!

  2. “Why is Glee mocking the people whose whole lives have been made so much better because they finally got to see themselves reflected on TV? I just can’t wrap my head around why you would create a thing people love and then chastise them for loving it.”

    I think that the genuine emotional response of fandom really grates Murphy because it’s so open and authentic and vulnerable. Ryan Murphy, on the other hand, is a walking sneer. The man oozes contempt, and this contempt has gotten into every pore of the show. It’s the innocence which the fans so unabashedly embody that irritates him, that literally provokes him. He feels like he has to poke, taunt and bully it. I suspect these things happen when the world beats our own innocence out of us, leaving behind nothing but cynicism. So imagine walking around this empty shell of a human being; wouldn’t you want to ruin the enjoyment of everyone else who still knew how to be good and pure and true? How horrible to be on the outside looking in. So you take a stone and smash the happy picture you yourself have created, in reenactment of your own innocence being taken away from you.

    It’s completely messed up. But it does make you feel some pity for the man, no? And besides, there’s the Normal Heart, which gives me hope that his heart hasn’t corroded entirely.

    • Well, but then there have been so many mawkishly sentimental things on this show, though! Remember Sue and Will singing to sick kids in the hospital? So he clearly wants to get an emotional response from his audience; I just don’t understand why he hates the one he gets from fandom.

      (Probably, it’s because he’s the worst.)

  3. Rachel referring to Unique as cross-dressing Mercedes was meant to further stretch the point that Rachel was so up in her own world and knew so little about the new New Directions that she didn’t even know that Unique was transgendered, rather than a cross-dresser. At least that’s the way I read it.

  4. This episode was ridiculous, but at least there were some genuinely funny moments. I gotta hand it to Chris Colfer and Darren Criss. They always manage to play the stupid plot lines in a way that almost makes them make sense. Plus, their chemistry was absolutely scorching. That kiss? Hot damn!

    By the way, they were playing Heads Up, not Cards Against Humanity. It was pretty adorable though.

    I have to wonder what it would have been like if Klaine and Brittana had been written by someone who cared more. There’s no denying the impact of the the characters, on a small scale but also on a larger one. I myself am one of those people who desperately needed them, since I was figuring out my sexuality around the same time Santana was questioning hers and Klaine was getting together. The actors are all phenomenal and the foundations were there. I just have to wonder what the hell they are doing with them now.

    At least both couples will get happy endings. At least that’s guaranteed now. And I’m glad that Brittana is getting good screen time this season. With Heather and Naya only guest stars because of their own personal lives, Brittana could have just faded into the background. But they’re engaged! We’re going to see them get married! They’re having a storyline next week!

    This show will always have me crawling back. I’m just going to enjoy this final season.

  5. I haven’t seen a single episode of Glee since season four and haven’t been keeping up with the plot except to read about the highly problematic directions the show has taken but the cover picture made me read this recap and I am deeply concerned

  6. Ridiculous how the props get more character development than the actual human beings on the show.

    I checked Tumblr last night in regards to Kitty mentioning Faberry. Seems to be evenly split between people hyperventilating in excitement and people indignant about Murphy’s giant middle finger to the fandom. I think you did a really good job articulating the frustration surrounding the shit Murphy and the writers are dumping on some of their most dedicated fans.

    • The Faberry fandom got a shout out, and I didn’t see it as a middle finger. I like Faberry and I read their fics, but there are a lot of Faberry fans that are pissed it never became canon. And that’s ridiculous. Faberry was never ever going to be canon. It’s just a fun thing to ship, and people that were waiting for it were frankly kind of delusional.

      I saw it as a fun shoutout. And that’s coming from a shipper.

      • I didn’t see a point to acknowledging it, because I know it’s never gonna be canon. That’s why it felt like a middle finger. It felt like they were taunting us, which is not outside the realm of possibility for these writers.

      • I think a lot of us were upset because of the way Rachel reacted to the comment. Rachel dismissing the reference to Faberry was the show’s way of dismissing Faberrians as a whole. It’s a pretty callous way to give us the middle finger by using HALF THE COUPLING to blow it off like it’s nothing.

  7. “Riese, how did you manage to get all the Old New Directions in your episodes?!”

    But you got the engagement episode! Although I’m glad you did because you wrote sweet meaningful things about it and I would’ve just been like “oh neat, Santana is marrying an actual idiot but they’re both girls SO I LOVE IT”

    One thing I kinda liked in this episode was how Aaron Echols refused to get upset by Sue being Sue, it was really refreshing. I was like, maybe this guy will be good for this show by being the first character since Burt Hummel to refuse to get mixed up in petty bullshit and let Sue get to them.

    I could not believe how much of this episode was meta, though! I mean COME ON. Even Becky calling out the dream sequence as they were watching it? Your analysis was perfect, obviously.

    Oddly though a lot of this episode was kind of hilarious. But also terrible.

  8. I was a die-hard Glee fan until the Klaine storyline became this whole on-again-off-again let’s toy with the fandom as much as possible clusterfuck. But this recap just takes the cake…
    *facepalms into the next century* What the fuck Glee? What the actual fuck?

  9. The only reason I can think of for the entire cast of Glee not collectively walking off the set with a giant middle finger aimed at Murphy at some point in the last three or four years is that he IS Sue Sylvester and has either A) drugged them all with airborn Viagra in order to maintain a raging hard-on for him, B) hypnotized them all to the point that these last few seasons are giant gaps in their memories, C) trapped them all in a fake elevator and replaced them with clones, or D) some amalgamation of the above.

  10. im still deciding if i should restart watching glee again, i dont wanna hate watch it. It was such a special show, and by the end of last season it just made me cringe everytime i watched it. I hate “klaine”, i hate how self righteous kurts goten, and i hate how blaine gets so much attention. i hate that rachels carreer took over the show, and they just didnt know what to do with it. I hate that ryan murphys doucheness has tainted all over the show. And most of all i hate that the emotional reality of the insane glee scenario has been substituted by half ass plots, that never follow through and an incessant incoherence with the plots and characters. All that said, I heard goodd things from this last season, but Im still reticent.

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