Glee Episode 513 Recap: New Directions For Lesbos!

Back in the Glee Room, Tina’s lamenting her rejection from Mitzvah University on account of not being Jewish enough, and now what will she do? Her pals suggest hitting up New York City without a plan, just like Kurt did and Sam’s gonna do! I did that once and I got an awesome job at The Olive Garden and learned a lot about myself, I highly recommend it.

Have you ever heard of "Scores"?

Have you ever heard of “The Hustler Club”?

Tina’s friends respond to her concern that she’ll become a “free-floating loser” by performing a sweet sentimental acoustic rendition of the Glee original song “Loser Like Me”!

“Loser Like Me”
http://youtu.be/juUOmeV9g1c

I really liked it, what can I say.


Cut to the April Rhodes Civic Pavilion, where Santana has found Rachel rehearsing and has some important news — she’s gonna quit the show ’cause it’s Rachel’s big dream but it’s not her big dream and she’s too lazy to do eight shows a week.

Look I have a weird fetish and I just need you to hand me your diva cup right now,

Look I have a weird fetish and I just need you to hand me your diva cup right now, please.

I hope this means Santana will be re-joining her cross-dressing jam band with Demi Lovato and Adam Lambert and becoming a rockstar. In the meantime, she’ll settle for a spirited performance for Glee Club on stools!

http://youtu.be/PKNUBQvsIvs

It was super cheesy and I spent most of it reading an NPR story about Akron.


Back in Sue’s lair, Sue informs Holly and Sir William that One Million Moms and all the animals from Noah’s Ark, your mom, your mom’s mom, and also The Animal Husbandry Foundation of Life have come together against their recent musical performance, and now they have to just STOP IT with the random musical numbers. IT’S OVER.

GOD Holly I told you that your plan to send Sue eighteen pounds of Faberry Fan-fic wasn't gonna get Glee Cub back

GOD Holly I told you that your plan to send Sue eighteen pounds of Faberry Fan-fic wasn’t gonna get Glee Cub back

Sir William tells Holly to give it up ’cause Glee Club is totally over and they’re gonna shoot the rest of the season in New York and he’s totally at peace about it and she should be, too. Holly goes straight to Artie and says to meet her in the auditorium with his camera. Also Artie is in love with Holly but Holly isn’t in love with anyone, except for obviously that guy from Coldplay. (Editor’s note: I have bad news for you, Riese.)


Back in Glee Club, Quinn and Puck sing a song that has nothing to do with their present situation and it’s really corny and unfortunate. Either Rachel is dying of lesbian jealousy that Quinn has left her for a man-sized root vegetable or she’s sad that her boyfriend died. It’s hard to know with this show.

You make me feel so lukewarm inside

You make me feel so lukewarm inside

But just last night we were watching Camp Takota together and holding hands and you told me that if we went to A-Camp together you would definitely request to be in my cabin

But just last night Quinn and I were watching Camp Takota together and holding hands and she told me that if we went to A-Camp together that she would definitely request to be in my cabin

Oh could you shift slightly my left leg is falling asleep

Oh could you shift slightly my left leg is falling asleep

I guess none of that "first time at Planned Parenthood" roleplay we did last night matters now that you've run into the arms of a soldier

I guess none of that Whitney/Sara roleplay we did matters now that she’s found a MAN to be with

From down here you almost look more like a baby bird than a giant radish

From down here you almost look more like a baby bird than a man-sized shallot

But she didn't have to do it like this. Not in front of everybody. Not when she's still wearing one of my tampons.

But she didn’t have to do it like this. Not in front of everybody. Not when she’s still wearing one of MY tampons.

Witness:

http://youtu.be/KglN957uXNA

After their little song, Quinn tells everybody that she and Puck are gonna be boyfriend and girlfriend now. Then they have a private conversation about long distance relationships in front of the whole class and in general everything is just super weird and inappropriate.

Is reconsidering moving to the Isle of Lesbos

Is reconsidering moving to the Isle of Lesbos

Sir William says that was the last song ever sung in Glee Club, which sucks because it was stupid. He says it’s over now and it’s been an honor, and Rachel is like, get your hand off my shoulder, you man-child.

Get your mitt of my boyfriend, William Schuster

Get your mitt of my boyfriend’s chambray, Mr. William Schuster


Sir William walks into his office to find an invitation to some kind of secret event. It’s gonna be like Eyes Wide Shut I think.

Please let this send me down the rabbit hole please let this send me down the rabbit hole please god send me down the rabbit hole

Please let this send me down the rabbit hole please let this send me down the rabbit hole please god send me down the rabbit hole

Oh never mind, it’s a tribute video to Sir William! Yup, all the Glee kids have gathered all of their feelings together to make a little film for Sir William’s hypothetical baby, all about how wonderful their Dad was and how he could dance like Fred Astaire, sing like that annoying guy with a last name I can’t spell, and helped Tina be Prom Queen! Also, cute gay stuff:

Santana: Okay, it may seem a little weird to you but back here in the Dark Ages, it was still crazy for girls to love girls and guys to love guys, but your Dad made sure that we felt safe loving whoever we chose.

and then we fingerfucked

and sometimes when he was looking the other way, we snuck in a quick finger-fuck

Also, William made Puck into a kinder person, and he saved Kurt’s life and therefore the lives of his unborn babies birthed using Quinn as a surrogate and apparently William was a good trans ally to Unique, maybe that happened offscreen?

Modern Family: Part Duex

Modern Family: Part Duex

And despite everything I am and everything I believe in, this video makes me cry because I smoked too much pot before watching the episode, and it segues into a performance of “Don’t Stop Believin'” which GETS ME EVERY TIME! 

Just peed his pants

Just peed his pants

I got so nervous wondering who would take Finn’s part, and felt relieved when it was Kurt, and then felt sad about Finn all over again and how they had everyone do a little intro like they did in Glee on tour.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li0CjDPqCMc

Holly Holiday and April Rhodes have been watching from their vantage point at the back of the theater. “Our work here is done,” they decide. “We did it flawlessly and looked flawless while doing it,” says Holly Holiday, before inviting April to go get drunk, rob a bank with her, and then go sailing around the world on a gay boy cruise ship. April agrees. Now that’s a spin-off I’d like to see.

And to be honest I wouldn't mind a little more Anna Kournakova / Maria Sharapova roleplay

And to be honest I wouldn’t mind a little more Anna Kournakova / Maria Sharapova roleplay


Cut to the sad lonely Room Formerly Known as Glee, where Unique is asking Fake Quinn if she’s gonna say “Hi” when they see each other in the halls. It’s like The Breakfast Club! Marley says that Sue can’t take away what they had here and that they are much better people now, but unfortunately they are all really boring characters, and we have better things to do with our time.

Sorry I was so excited about graduation I couldn't decide what to wear so I just put on everything at the same time

Sorry I was so overwhelmed thinking about graduation I couldn’t decide what to wear so I just put on everything at the same time


Cut to the Auditorium, where everybody is graduating! Yay! Also, Tina got into Brown!

CAN WE DO THAT THREESOME THING NOW??!!!!

CAN WE DO THAT THREESOME THING NOW??!!!!

And Brittany S. Pierce gets to graduate because WHY ANYTHING! Santana gives her a kiss on the cheek, but I don’t know if that means they are being just friends or if Glee is once again robbing us of the lesbian tongue kissing that is our birthright.

Is thinking about how much better that robe will look on her floor

Is thinking about how much better that robe will look on her floor

Later in the bathroom of love, Santana tells Brittany that Lesbos is not an island filled with lesbians but rather an island filled with German tourists and therefore she’s changed their tickets to first go through Hawaii and then back to New York!

It's not a real airline. I'm sorry I had to break it to you like this, but there's just no such thing. Global Airlines was a scam.

It’s not a real airline. I’m sorry I had to break it to you like this, but there’s just no such thing. Global Airlines was a scam.

Then they kiss on the lips like two girls who used to bang all the time who haven’t banged in a year JUST KIDDING they kiss on the lips like two girls who are being polite.

Now fuck

Now fuck

Wait but also what about Dani? THEY NEVER EVEN GOT TO BE NAKED IN BED TOGETHER. I think Brittany and Santana together are super-cute and I like how they’ve both grown and changed and come back together but also, I mean, what about Demi Lovato? I DON’T KNOW HOW TO FEEL. How do you feel?


Meanwhile in the Room Formerly Known as The Glee, Sue and Sir William have a heart-to-heart about feelings. Sue says her whole life she’s been searching for a worthy adversary, but she found Will, and she is really going to miss him a lot, and she thinks that he did a lot of good work.

Here. It's poison.

Here. It’s poison.

Then she says she got him an interview at Carmel High so he can coach Vocal Adrenaline if he wants to. He’s like, but they’re our mortal enemies, and she tells him that there is no “our” anymore and besides, they have a real budget.

Sue: “You did what you could do here. And that was much more than I could ever care to admit. But it’s really over.”

Then Will stands alone in the room, hearing the voices of Glee Club Members past and bowing to an imaginary audience. And that’s it. GOODBYE CRACKER BARREL, GOODBYE CLOCKS TICKING!

No time like the present for a little bit of yoga

No time like the present for a little bit of yoga


Next week on Glee, everybody will be in New York City, and hijinks will undoubtedly ensue!

nycc


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Riese is the 36-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

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19 Comments

  1. Wait, so I didn’t watch this episode at all. Are we really done with the boring new glee club forever? I hope so. But also, as much as I love Brittany and Santana being together, seeing two young, queer latinas together in a relationship on TV was awesome (not to mention that I absolutely love Demi Lovato). And, with Sam, Artie, Brittany and Blaine moving to New York (are they all going to be regulars in NY?) that adds three white characters and one mixed race character (including three men) and potentially gets rid of a queer latina (if Dani isn’t dating Santana is she going to still be on the show?) so that really hurts the diversity of the show.

  2. (Editor’s note: I have bad news for you, Riese.) #dying

    Wait, does this mean that the show has officially shifted to NY and we never have to deal with the paperdoll cut-outs that the show tried to sell as “new characters”??? I’m in.

  3. Brittany, we don’t need plane tickets to go to Dayton, we can just drive there

    OMG would they please hurry up and get here then for srs. they can stop at the dairy queen in tipp city if they really can’t wait for a quickie in the bathroom

  4. By now I should know better than to consume liquids while reading these recaps. The captions on the screen grabs alone almost made me spit hot chocolate onto my iPad screen. Bravo, as per ushe.

  5. did Brittany really just reference Japanese slang for lesbians
    did that actually just happen

    (yuri is both the word for ‘lily’ and ‘girl-on-girl romance, usually in the context of anime and manga’)

  6. Re: Brittany and Santana back on. My younger (okay, by 2 years) self is doing cartwheels over this. But me, right now, just feels cheated. Glee has had so many opportunities to do this and get it right. Yeah, these episodes have been cute, and DEFINITELY could have been worse, but I just feel like this is a ‘fan-drama-free’ way of wrapping up these characters’ storylines, and frankly I refuse to be “grateful” to the Glee writers for doing it.

    They’re still completely adorable together though. I can’t help myself.

  7. “I spent most of it reading an NPR story about Akron.” A) really? I’m happy to watch their faces cheese out. B) I just had to googled “NPR story about Akron” since I’ll be moving to Akron next year lol. Why? Because it’s waaaaaaaaaay cheaper than NYU. (I already did poor-in-NY I’m good.)

  8. Also I was so offended by Gwyneth Paltrow’s over the top portrayal of Temple Grandin. I don’t care if the point was to be insensitive therefore have music banned from non-musical clubs… offensive shit is offensive whether or not it’s terrible plot device. The Glee writers are fucking idiots. I also give major side-eye to Paltrow because I feel like she actually would make fun of Temple Grandin. And if she wouldn’t, it’s incredibly shitty how actors have to put aside their personal morals because of money/job. Yuck.

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