Is This Financially fair?
Q
How do you handle financial ‘fairness’ when one person has a safety net and the other doesn’t? I spent a lot of my savings keeping my girlfriend afloat when she was unemployed and struggling to find new work. Now that the roles are reversed and I’m the one looking for a job, she’s balking at helping me. Her logic is that since my parents are rich and willing to give me money, I should take theirs instead of hers. Is it fucked for me to want her to step up and help me out regardless of what my parents have in the bank?
A:
Summer: Huh, good questions actually. Well look, I think that being in a relationship or partnership includes a tacit agreement to support each other independent of other factors. Like, I support my partners and expect the same even if they could get similar aid elsewhere. Because that’s the agreement I made when I intertwined my life to theirs.
But money makes everything way more complicated and brings out a lot of bad in people. As you can doubtless see. When it comes to financial support, I believe that the proverbial burden should be distributed fairly to those who can do it. If my partner is reserved or hesitant about it and I had other means to get financial support, I would go for those directions too. But I would be disappointed in my partner if I supported her financially in the past and she refuses to reciprocate down the line.
Valerie: I understand why you feel the way you do, but I also get where your girlfriend is coming from. Why spend money that could go toward something (for both of you!) later if you have an alternative option now? Maybe there are other ways she could support you that aren’t 1:1 financial transactions. What are other things you need that she could provide? Help job searching, or proofing your resume or cover letters? Going with you to networking events or other situations? I think there’s a compromise you two could come to where you can get the money from your parents instead but still feel like she’s helping and supporting you.
Riese: I have a feeling from the situation you describe thar your girlfriend doesn’t have rich parents who can give her money and it’s possible that she feels like she only had to ask you for money because she had nobody else to lean on, that she’s had to work for every penny in her pocket but historically you maybe didn’t have to. Youdo have people to lean on. Are there strings attached to taking money from your parents, or is it truly no big deal and they really are extremely well-off? If so — take your parents’ money and let your girlfriend off the hook. I think Valerie’s suggestions of finding other ways she can help and support you during this time is a good place to start.
Do I Have To Redistribute My Inheritance?
Q
I’m a passionate anticapitalist, but just found out I’m inheriting a lot of money from a grandparent. My instinct is to put most of it into savings for myself so I have some stability (I don’t have any savings currently), but I know my friends will judge me if I don’t redistribute it. Important context: my grandparents were white landowners in the deep south. Is is performative to keep the money while so actively preaching radical wealth redistribution?
A
Summer: It’s your money and you can do what you want with it. I think it’d be cool to redistribute a chunk of the money if it would suit your convictions and beliefs. But I don’t think it’s okay if others try to judge/shame you into doing it—even if the pressure is passive. Bear in mind that you always have a right to look out for your own needs and well-being too. Especially in such a fraught economy and sociopolitical… everything.
It’s true that your grandparents probably weren’t part of a lifestyle or demographic that you agree with. But if the money is going to a queer leftist who continues to live their life as a queer lefty, that’s still an act of resistance and restitution. We on this side of the political spectrum would all do well from learning that competing with each other to be the Bestest Leftist is a failing endeavor when there are far more serious adversaries out there.
Valerie: If you’re inheriting literally billions of dollars, you should redistribute some of that wealth so you’re not a billionaire anymore. If you’re not, putting money in your savings for your own financial stability in the future isn’t hoarding wealth. There are ways you can slowly but surely redistribute some of it over the years just by how you live your life; shop at local, queer, and/or POC-owned businesses when you can, donate to charities that are important to you, buy books on anti-racism, become a paid member of your favorite LGBTQ+ entertainment website, etc. It’s no one else’s business but your own what you do with the money, and it doesn’t sound like you’re about to tear down affordable housing to build an AI server farm or something else ridiculous that could actively do harm. If your friends judge you for using your own money to live your own anti-capitalist queer life, you need new friends.
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Comments
Re: Q2, I had a similar situation through inheriting from a grandparent who “owned” unceded Indigenous land in British Columbia. I decided to give about 15% to an active Indigenous land defense movement in the region as a compromise—and the amount would have varied a lot depending on the exact size of the inheritance (what counts as “a lot of money” is very different to different people, in different places, etc.). I basically considered the same questions and thought hard about where I could strike a balance between immediate redistribution/reparations and my long-term safety and stability as a disabled and self-employed person.
Remember that purity is itself a problematic frame and that ethical life is structurally impossible under capitalism, and find the right balance for yourself.