Q:

Hi-
I’m transmasc nonbinary and I’ve felt my life floating between gendered groups and making my own social spaces. I’m most comfortable in coed spaces- people aren’t bothered by my feminine or masculine characteristics. Increasingly though, I miss being with boys. I miss my time in those spaces, and being accepted into cis male spaces is really validating. I’m college aged, and finding those spaces isn’t hard, but finding those spaces that aren’t GROSS to queer people and women is veryyyy difficult. Much harder then it should be. I miss boys. I know all boys aren’t like this. But it’s so hard to find those spaces. And, when, I’m in spaces with boys and men who are acting gross, I want to speak out but am often scared to. I don’t want to lose my access to those spaces. I don’t want to betray my values and my circles by letting these conversations continue. But i don’t want to be ousted, burdened, or alone. How do I get this space with boys that’s good and healthy, and respectful, and if I can’t, how do I stay true to my values while maintaining my peace and ability to be in that space?

A:

Last week, I was served a TikTok video of an older cis guy talking about how he wanted to be a part of a men’s group that was advertised as having integrity and respectful friendship amongst men, so he looked into it. All the values aligned but then he came across a public comment the group’s account left on a news article about queer rights in another country. The comment was, unsurprisingly, homophobic. The guy in the video was so disappointed and confronted the group’s admin. It didn’t end in the group changing their ways or apologizing, but it did give the guy a chance to leave the group before he really ever got involved. He’s super frustrated and still looking for a space to make male friendships and is considering creating one himself (with the promise to himself to actually uphold the agreed upon values).

I offer that to you for a few reasons. I want you to know you’re not the only person experiencing this but even more so, I want you to know it’s not an issue specific to trans people. Even cis guys are having trouble making friends with folks whose values align with theirs, which I think says a lot about the state of “boys” right now. I also hope reading that empowers you to make it known when something doesn’t sit right with you in these groups, even if it means you don’t get to be a part of that community.

With that in mind, your interest in and need for coed spaces is totally valid, especially if being in those spaces doesn’t cause you any harm or dysphoria. It’s great that you feel safe, comfortable, and like you thrive there. As a trans man, I feel similarly. If I only hung out with guys, I’d really be missing out on a lot of what I get from my friendships with women and the opposite is true, too.

That said, I’m genuinely curious what you mean when you say you miss boys. If you were to really dissect that, do you literally miss just being with boys, whether cis, trans, or transmasc? Or is it more about the activities associated with boys? Forgive the stereotypes but… do you miss playing video games, playing sports, fart jokes? Or is it more about masculine energy in general? I ask because I’m curious why, if that’s the case, you wouldn’t be able to find that in spaces with women? What I’d encourage you to dig into is: is it specifically boys you miss, or is it something else like feeling like a boy, whatever that means to you as a trans non-binary person? Because that can look a lot of different ways.

If the question is specifically how do I find male spaces that are good, healthy, and respectful, I think one of the biggest things you can do is make your values known upfront and specifically seek out groups that align with that. Are there volunteer programs you can join where it’s safe to assume other guys volunteering there share your values? I can’t imagine there’s a ton of transphobic or misogynistic guys volunteering at Planned Parenthood on a Saturday morning, for instance. That could be your introduction to a space to meet at least one other guy and I bet you he knows at least one other guy. Look at that, two value-aligned friends in one day. And you can find out where they hang out when they’re not volunteering.

I’m not sure if you’re a sports person, but I know so many people who have found adult friendships through coed intramural rec leagues, even in a huge city like New York. Same goes for less athletic activities like chess, checkers, trivia, etc. It could be worth looking in your college’s student life directory or just in your local community.

On the question of how to stay true to your values while maintaining your peace: There’s a real need for self-advocacy there. I know that’s a lot easier said than done, but something that’s helped me find “my voice” in self-advocacy, supported by my therapist, has been picturing a loved one in my position. When coming up with a plan to advocate for myself, I sometimes hesitate or doubt myself. My therapist then asks me, “Well what if your friend was in this position, what advice would you give them?” And once it’s positioned that way, it’s really hard not to see it pretty objectively. That strategy actually really recently helped me with a piece of interpersonal conflict.

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With college guys especially, if they get away with saying one thing that crosses a line, they’ll take that as an invitation to continue with that behavior. So making it clear, without necessarily outing yourself or identifying as LGBTQ+ if that’s not what you’re trying to do, that certain things don’t fly with you is a really effective way to weed out people who aren’t going to be the vibe. And equally, it’ll help you identify the people who absolutely are.

I think all of this could be summed up into: Think outside the box when seeking out male friendships and always lead with your values.

You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.