“I just don’t get why lesbians are being forced to center men in their lives,” my grandmother pleads with me through tears at our favorite diner spot. She’s so distraught, she can’t even finish her porridge. The whole lunch has been like this – droning on and on about identity politics: who can be what, who can say which slur, who’s allowed to go to the dyke bar. Just last week, she barked at a bi4bi couple at the sapphic-owned coffeeshop for not tipping more than 25%.
I’m finding it hard to hold a conversation with her that doesn’t escalate to straight up conflict. The last time I asked her to talk with me about her behavior, she requested an intimacy coordinator.
Maybe I’m just overreacting? Let me share some other questions she’s asked me over soft beige foods and you tell me how I should handle this.
- If she’s bisexual, why does she have a lesbian’s haircut?
- Is this white person allowed to be crowdfunding for rent in gentrified Bed Stuy?
- If a white man has more than 6 polycule partners, isn’t that just colonization?
- [this one’s more of a statement than a question] Someone posted a deeply personal essay about their identity and I can’t help but feel it invalidates mine.
- Why are we okay with queer people wearing Doc Martens when the leather industry is unethical?
- Don’t you think the act of even asking someone if you can kiss them is coercion?
- Is it okay for trans men to go to the gym or is that just toxic masculinity on display?
- Why are all the teenage boys at the mall dressed like masc lesbians?
- How do I tell your little cousin Jane it’s transphobic to read the Harry Potter books that have been in the family for decades?
- Did you see Uncle Jack brought the kids to Chick-fil-A after baseball on Saturday?
Comments
Question 8 is something I ask regularly…
her questions are reasonable
why are transmen and transwomen both being considered lesbians?
men are never lesbians and women who do not centre women are also not lesbians
Nina, you managed to be on this article that you commented on 4 days earlier, within an hour of someone replying to you. You wrote four comments saying roughly the same thing that no one replied to, with the timing suggesting you sat here stewing for at least 20 minutes, probably more, typing more and more replies. I’d politely suggest that you find a hobby that isn’t being weird about trans people on the internet.
If she’s bisexual, why does she have a lesbian’s haircut
how someone presents has nothing to do with sexuality. It’s true we associate presentation with sexuality, but that is a broad generalization. There are very femme lesbians and masc presenting straight women. It’s a personal style , nothing more
Is this white person allowed to be crowdfunding for rent in gentrified Bed Stuy?
That depends on his financial situation
If a white man has more than 6 polycule partners, isn’t that just colonization?
No, poly relationships are consensual, colonization is not.
[this one’s more of a statement than a question] Someone posted a deeply personal essay about their identity and I can’t help but feel it invalidates mine.
Without seeing the actual post this is hard to respond to. I would say that anything someone says about their identity has nothing to do with yours.
Why are we okay with queer people wearing Doc Martens when the leather industry is unethical?
This is a personal choice, we can talk to someone about it , but in the end it is their decision
Don’t you think the act of even asking someone if you can kiss them is coercion?
As long as the power dynamic is equal …. no. If there is an imbalanced power dynamic and there is implied retribution for saying no, then yes, but in that case are they really asking.
Is it okay for trans men to go to the gym or is that just toxic masculinity on display?
Toxic masculinity refers to cultural norms and behaviors associated with traditional masculinity that can be harmful to men, women, and society. It often includes traits like emotional repression, aggression, and misogyny, which can lead to negative outcomes such as violence and mental health issues – Wikipedia. It is a world view and yes someone working out may be toxic in their masculinity, working out does not make them toxicly masculine.
Why are all the teenage boys at the mall dressed like masc lesbians?
Personal choice … why do you care ?
How do I tell your little cousin Jane it’s transphobic to read the Harry Potter books that have been in the family for decades?
I would say that it is OK to read the books that we already have, but we won’t buy any more Harry Potter books or merchandise because JK Rowling will use the money she gets to hurt people.
Did you see Uncle Jack brought the kids to Chick-fil-A after baseball on Saturday?
I would talk to Uncle Jack about it and leave it up to him whether to continue going to Chick-fil-a. Depending on how he reacts to the conversation I might cut my relationship with him
Maybe it’s my Black-ass brain but the white poly guy question would kill in a stand up set.