Society has no script for when your partner comes out as trans.
From family love stories to cheesy Christmas rom coms, we learn the patterns of courtship and love as children. Most of these images of “normal” relationships leave little room for anything other than cisgender heterosexuality. There is certainly no version of the story where one half of a couple switches genders entirely. So when Summer came out to me as trans, I didn’t know what to expect. Sure, I’d had trans friends before. But I’d never considered that one day I might have to navigate the gender transition of a romantic partner.
I’m bisexual. When Summer came out, I’d been out of the closet for roughly four years, so her revelation did not spell the end of our relationship, as it does for so many. But at first, I wasn’t totally assured that I’d be attracted to Summer through the coming changes she would experience. Many bisexual people go through cycles of self-doubt about the legitimacy of their attraction to a specific gender, and I’m no different. At the time, I’d had little romantic or sexual experience with women. Could I really be sure I was bisexual? After all, I had always had a preference for men. What if I wasn’t bisexual and I was actually a straight girl going through an experimental phase? Or worse, what if I’d been “doing it for attention” all along?
Those thoughts followed a pattern of internalized biphobia I thought I’d outgrown already. In reality, I’d only quashed those thoughts due to their irrelevance (or so I thought) to my relationship. What did my attraction to women matter when I was in a relationship with a man? Oh, silly me.
Uncomfortable questions about my own sexuality were only a small part of the unknowns I faced as Summer embarked on her medical transition. Would her personality change? What would our sex life look like? Would I be any good at supporting her through this? And, most importantly, would she be safe?
Looking back on that last question has taught me that when your partner transitions, you transition along with them. When the gender dynamic between you shifts, your role changes. I often tell Summer jokingly as I head off to gym that my fitness goal is to be able to “fight a TERF for you.” And while I would never initiate a fight, I know that if someone came at Summer, I’d absolutely get beaten up trying to defend her. I’m not “the man” in our relationship — neither of us is. But I started feeling protective of her in a way that I hadn’t felt prior to her transition.
Day-to-day life with Summer is filled with little moments of learning and wonder. When HRT first started having noticeable effects on her body, it was magical. Witnessing my partner experience so much awe and excitement left me with no doubt that she was making the right choice. Her transition taught me a lot about my own body, too. I had never considered the extra fat on my upper arms particularly feminine until Summer started developing some of her own, and I learned that it was a secondary effect of estrogen. Her temperature started running colder, like me. Her skin softened, just like mine. I now know that none of these things are innate, and hormonal shifts can affect almost everything about my body and hers. It’s fascinating.
I, too, have taught her things. Like how to tie a ponytail. Or the importance of moisturizing (she’s still resistant to that one, since estrogen gave her near-perfect skin anyway). But for the most part, supporting Summer hasn’t been about how much I know, or lead, or teach, but how comfortable I am with the unknown. The answers to all of the questions I had when she first came out did not reveal themselves quickly. Both of us had to wait and see. But I’m now in a place where I can comfortably say that yes, I am attracted to women, because I’m so attracted to my beautiful girlfriend. It turns out I don’t have a preference for men, either — that was the heteronormative bullshit talking. Her personality has changed: she is calmer, happier, and less combative during conflict. She has become better for us and has taught me how to be better for us, too. Our sex life may have changed drastically, but we’re both happy with where it’s at right now.
As to whether or not I’ve been any good at supporting Summer through this? She tells me that I am, so I’ll take her word for it. I’m not an expert, but I do love her, and every day I show up and I try.
Comments
This is sweet
😭I love this love story.
This is such a beautiful article. My wife and I had been together for almost 15 years when she came out and it’s been the most wonderful experience. We both laughed and smiled reading this article as so much of our experience is reflected in it.
Thank you for sharing your stories. It’s so nice to know we are not alone in going through these things.
(Also now I have a new justification for going to the gym!!!)
Beautiful!
I love this and I wish these could be the stories we hear more of.
Thank you for sharing this part of your story! I was desperate for stories like these when my ex wife had surgery and we were trying to negotiate fertility treatments. I found a few on Reddit, but I definitely felt alone. My ex had several friends who were trans*, but I didn’t know anyone else whose partner was trans*.
So beautifully written- Lucy put into words so much of what I’ve felt in my husbands transition journey. People ask if it was hard for me and I’m always a bit taken aback- sure it’s different than how we started, but I now have the happiest, healthiest, truest version of the person I’ve been deeply in love with for 8+ years. And it’s been a privilege to be with them on that journey 💕
Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you for sharing your experiences! I came out to my wife when we had been dating for about a year, but I didn’t start to transition in any way or come out to anyone other than a couple of close friends.
I compartmentalized myself for fifteen-ish more years thinking I’d never come out—before, late in the pandemic lockdowns, realizing I needed to start freeing myself from the male body I inhabited for real. I’m closer to day 0 than day 880, but so much what you both wrote resonates with what we have/are experiencing! ❤️ I don’t know exactly where I’m going but here I am.
Thank you so much to both of you for sharing your story.
well this is lovely!!! thank you both!!!
So happy for both of you! Thank you for sharing!
So lovely, thank you!
This is so heartwarming. Thank you for sharing, you two!