All of this has to happen in like three weeks. D-Day planning probably seemed like a sure-er thing than this, but okay, Stef.
Okay, what about when Kimmy got her first kiss?
Nope. Still haven’t watched watched any more episode since we saw you five hours ago.
Dinner with Monty is super weird. Stef and Monty spend the whole time complimenting each other on how awesome they are at being awesome while Mariana gives a presentation about why Timothy should be allowed to come back to school and teach. But after dinner things get weirder because Monty starts saying all these things Stef doesn’t know she knows, like about how Timothy was their donor and about how Lena is having second thoughts about not taking Ana’s baby. So Stef just guzzles up her merlot and tells the story of how Jesus came home from school and found Timothy’s spunk in a cup on the sink one day.
Lena’s face: Did you seriously just say that to my boss?
Stef’s face: Oh, my bad, I thought we were telling Monty everything.
Honestly, we haven’t even finished season two of Orange Is the New Black.
YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT VEE GETTING RUN OVER?
Elsewhere, Brandon breaks the news to the band about not going on tour with them and Mariana gives Callie dance lessons. It’s like Mariana has accepted that Callie dances like a clumsy Tyrannosaurus, but she wants her to at least kick it up to sexy clumsy Tyrannosaurus. She tries to show her hip-shaking stuff and hair-whishing stuff but none of it works. Finally, Callie fakes having homework so she can get out of it.
In the bathroom, Callie and Brandon bump into each other and do not make out. They act like brothers and sisters who love each other and just need to come clean about all the lying they’ve been doing. Callie to Mariana about the dancing. And Brandon to the band about how his moms won’t let him go on tour. They shake on it instead of kissing and groping. Progress!
We can’t expect other people to keep us from getting spoiled.
But they don’t have to come into our HOUSE and say spoilers.
Love, no, listen. That is like someone @-replying you on Twitter during the show when they know you’re not watching.
Fine, I’ll stop talking to her. But we really do need to get caught up on TV.
Stef and Lena have A Serious Conversation.
Stef: Lena, honey, you cannot Pull a Stef. There is only room in this relationship for one person who Pulls a Stef.
Lena: I know.
Stef: I love that you have a cool new friend, but you cannot let me hear from her about your deepest fears, okay?
Lena: You’re right.
Stef: That was sexy; say that again!
Lena: But should we take Ana’s baby? I don’t want Mariana to hate us.
Stef: We can’t get a baby because we feel guilty.
They smooch and agree no more secrets. (Hear that, Stefanie? NO MORE SECRETS.)
Monty hired me back when she got off her period.
Oh, good.
Well, the next day Timothy is back at school because Monty offered him his job back and he guesses she’s not an emotional tyrant, after all, and still does not take one single bit of responsibility for his belligerence, deliberate obtuseness, and giant baby temper tantrum that got him fired. Lena thanks Monty for it, though, because at least it means Mariana’s going to dial it back to third gear for a second, and they hug for way too long and agree to have lunch.
Um. Lena. You literally just agreed not to Pull a Stef three hours ago. USE YOUR BRAIN.
Mariana and Callie keep being cute as kitten gifs with each other.
Callie: Hey, uh, I can’t practice dancing today because I, uh, broke my butt.
Mariana: Oh, wow, yeah. Broken butts are the worst. You definitely can’t dance with that.
Callie: Like probably not for years. Broken butts take years to heal.
Mariana: I’ve heard that, yeah. Gosh, I’m so sorry.
Callie: I mean, like, you might even want to find someone to replace me on the dance team.
Mariana: I hate to do it. You are my number one choice. But maybe you’re right.
Callie: I didn’t break my butt.
Mariana: I know.
Callie: You gotta get a different dancer.
Mariana: Yeah, for sure.
They hug and laugh and are such sisters.
I can’t believe you didn’t know Rosa ran over Vee. The gifs are everywhere.
Everyone is monsters. We can’t leave the house anymore.
Stef and Lena, assuming their shit is in check and they are telling each other whole truths, go to Mike’s to tell Ana they’ll take her baby. Mike’s face is so Classic Mike. Just WHY DO LESBIANS GET EVERYTHING. But while that is happening, Brandon is telling Mariana all about how Stef and Lena will never take the baby and he scooped Ana’s private mail out of his dad’s garbage and here’s her grandparents’ address and so go meet them what’s the worst hat could happen maybe they can take the baby and you can at least get to know it a little bit why are you crying. Brandon. Good grief. I was just starting to really like you for the first time ever. Affection retracted!
That night, Lena can’t sleep because she’s excited about baby cribs, so she gets up and opens up the laptop she shares with Stef to shop for one, and — whoopsie daisy! — she sees Stef’s investigative report on Robert. When Stef comes downstairs, Lena gives it to her real good and stomps off.
Look, even Will and Grace kissed. Won’t you even try it?
Ugh, fine. I’ll kiss a girl.
OH SHIT ONLY TWO CAN KEEP A SECRET IF ONE OF THEM IS DEAD
Okay. Whew. Hang onto your hearts. The Tween Scene is ready to go with their plan of TP-ing some girls house. Jude rides up on his bike with his helmet and his headlamp and my god could he be any more perfect? They TP the house and that’s fine, and afterward, Jude and Taylor are sitting on this bench and she’s like, “I guess Daria and Connor are having sex.” And Jude goes, “THEY’RE HAVING SEX?!??!!?” But Daria was just testing him. Question number two is: Will you kiss me? And he won’t, and that’s how come she knows he’s got a crush on Connor, and she tells him so.
So then Daria and Connor come back and Taylor’s just sort of had it with everyone but her getting some action, so she invites them all to come over to house to rummage through her dad’s liquor cabinet and have a foursome. Connor’s feeling it a lot, and his eager little face coaxes Jude into going, even though Jude keeps saying what a bad idea it is the whole time.
And Jude is right. No sooner do they start swigging whiskey does Taylor’s dad come running downstairs, literal guns-a-blazin’! He shoots the kids! Just shoots them with a gun! And that’s the end!
Next week: Jude is okay and Connor is not and Stef and Lena better get their little act together and I mean it.
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I was so furious at the end of this episode. Like only in fucking America could some innocent kids playing at being a lil bit grown up end in a fucking shooting. Like seriously. Fucks sake. Sort your gun shit out already America. Please.
Okay, I know that a lot of stuff happened in this episode (Stef and Lena why are you both being so duuuuuuuumb) but after it was over, literally all I could think was:
This is why I will never move to the US. How fucked up do you have to be that you hear a weird noise in the middle of the night, and you’re FIRST THOUGHT, before even asking “who’s there?” is “oh, guess I better just START SHOOTING!” You have to be a compete psychopath to honestly believe it’s better to KILL someone then to have your TV stolen!
Ugh. American Straddlers, I am so sorry about the fucked up gun culture in your country, and I hope you all stay safe. If Connor is dead, I am going to throw a shit fit.
PS: Anyone know if California has a stand your ground law?
I used to hate Mariana but now she is one of my favourites. They really turned her around. Brandon remains the worst.
REALLY interested to see where they go with whatever the fallout is of the shooting and what messages they send about guns. California has a “protect your castle” doctrine, which isn’t the same as stand your ground, but it lets you use deadly force within your own home if there is “reasonable fear of death or injury.” If they try to use that in the storyline, I really hope to see some serious questioning of the logic behind the castle doctrine, stand your ground, and American gun culture in general.
“Callie dances like left shark” <3
I hate Brendon. Almost as much as I hate how crazy American gun culture is… OK not even close to as much, but still a large amount of dislike is happening.
Also I’m hoping they are just being misleadingly dramatic in the promos and none of the kids actually get shot. And that when Lena is talking to Jude about losing a friend it’s just because Connor’s dad decided to move them away because of work.
So in the Taylor picnic table
picture, who is the floating head in the bottom left corner? Is she also someone not making out with anybody?
I hope I’m not ruffling any feathers by going all “meta”, but there is no way in Hades they’re going to kill off Connor. Killing off gay male characters (I realize the Connor character isn’t necessarily entirely homosexual, but for dramatic purposes, he is a gay character for the time being) is a homophobic legacy of the pre-gay liberation entertainment industry. A friend of mine told me he had book that had a long necrology of gay male characters in movies who met a premature end as a fundamental part of the story, and of course the reason for this dramatic convention was to reinforce the idea that homosexuality was an egregious social transgression that necessarily carried dire and entirely deserved consequences. The writers have to know how utterly unforgivably ugly and offensive it would be to kill off Connor within days of his kissing Jude on-camera. And what I’ve seen of this show so far tends to suggest that no way could its writers be that out-to-lunch st00pid.
What I predict will happen is that Connor will survive after a period of a few episodes where it’s up in the air whether or not he’ll pull through, and almost losing him will make Jude highly eager to take their relationship to the next level (not in terms of sex, just in terms of their emotional bond). And then Connor will at first be all, “Whoa, I’m not sure I’m ready to be a dude’s no-nonsense, for-real boyfriend just yet!” and Jude will be all hurt by that, but Connor will eventually realize that’s where he wants things to go, too.
By the way, I don’t really have money to throw around on things such as cable TV, so I appreciate Heather’s great recaps. She could have done recaps for the Television Without Pity website back in its hey-day! :-)
I miss Television Without Pity…
And yeah, Heathers recaps are sensational
I just saw the preview on YouTube for the next ep, and it’s not at all clear that Connor is even seriously hurt. When Lena makes her comment about how hard it is to lose a friend, it’s clearly in the context of Jude being in tears over his relationship with Connor apparently ending on account of the emotional fallout of the recent Jonnor lip-lock.
I agree I don’t think they are going to kill off Connor, we’re not watching GOT here.
I think one of the girls gets shot and Connor’s over protective/controlling father responds by banning any Jonnor activities for the rest of his natural life.
So Jude is heart broken because he can’t see his boo, and Lena comforts him.
Meanwhile, how is Calie going to mess up this imancipation thing? There are so many cogs! She’s bound to sent this train flying odd the rails, am I right?
I don’t have enough familiarity with the character of Callie to comment, but if she has a history of throwing a screw-up wrench into important matters, then yes, she will likely do so in this situation, too.
I have to admit, I’m kind of with Connor that Jude lets his adopted mothers in on way too many things about which Jude should keep quiet. But of course being somewhat taken with Connor, I’ll end up siding with him. ;-)
If you have iTunes, you can download the standard definition episodes for $2 at a time or buy a season pass which discounts it by about $5. The episodes are available the afternoon after they air, that’s how I watch them.
So, how old is Callie supposed to be? Last season, when she was thinking about getting her own apartment, I seem to remember her saying that she would be 18 in a few months. Perhaps I’m remembering wrong, but if she is indeed almost 18, then what is the point of a custody battle? Like, what’s the big deal? She could just go stay with Robert for a few months, if there’s no way out of it, and then move back to Stef and Lena’s after she turns 18. Would people really waste time and resources on a custody battle over a 17-and-a-half year old? This just seems weird to me–but then again I’m not a parent.
For some reason I thought she was 16 but I could be totally off. But you’re right I don’t think they’re being consistent on staying on track with their ages.
I think (and I may be wrong, because I don’t have time to go back and check) that when she was looking for an apartment she was waiting on her 16th birthday, maybe (??) even her 17th, but definitely not 18.
It was something about how if you were in the Foster system, after a certain age you could live on your own in state approved housing if you proved yourself to be mature/ sufficient. Essentially, they would give you the money that they would traditionally be giving your foster parent and you would use that money to take care of yourself. Or something that generally works along those lines. Like I said, I don’t have time to go back and look up the nitty gritty specifics.
It’s the same system that Daphne was living under until she landed back at Girls United a few episodes ago.
Thanks, K! Do you think ABC Family keeps track of how many people buy single-episode and “season passes” on iTunes? If they do, I’m thinking more folks (such as yours truly) buying eps on iTunes might make up for the lackluster ratings from which Season 2B has been suffering (according to the scuttlebutt, anyway).
Can we please talk about how Monty was “feeling” Lena up at the end with their long lasting hug? At first I was like awww, she just needs a friend…but then it turned into …Oh she reallllly needs a “friend”.
*POSSIBLE* *SPOILER* *ALERT*
I saw a “between takes” photograph online of the actors who play Jude, Connor, and Connor’s father that appears to be from the set of the show, in which Gavin MacIntosh, who plays Connor, is wearing a hospital gown, so clearly Connor is seriously wounded, and I’m guessing Connor’s father misguidedly reacts by blaming Jude and trying to quash “Jonnor”.
Now, assuming Connor’s father comes around and lightens up, and we can assume he will based on that “Jonnor” is going to be a more prominent part of the show’s third season (assuming it doesn’t get canceled, as its ratings have been diving recently), there’s probably going to be a scene in which Connor has a serious conversation with Lena and Stef about the events that led up to the shooting.
In my vision of how that scene would go, I’m thinking that the reason Connor got shot is that when he looked behind him and saw where Taylor’s father was pointing the barrel of the gun, he saw that Jude was in the line of fire. So of course, Connor, without even thinking about it, pushes Jude out of the line of fire with no regard for his own safety. In his conversation with Lena and Stef about that night, Stef starts out by saying that Jude told her what Connor did to save Jude that night, and Stef sincerely if somewhat sternly and tersely thanks him for protecting Jude, but then also tells Connor that she is still terribly disappointed in him because it would have been very unlikely Jude would have been stealing booze and drinking underage had Connor not assented to the idea.
Connor responds by looking down and getting the most adorable sad/ ashamed/ regretful expression on his face and confesses to Stef and Lena that he realizes they *should* be disappointed in him regardless of his taking a bullet for Jude, because Jude wouldn’t have been there to be in the line of fire in the first place had Connor vetoed the whole booze-stealing idea as soon as Taylor brought it up. And Connor adds that he realized this while he was lying on the ground losing consciousness from the bullet wound and it also occurred to him that if he were to die, Jude would likely be badly emotionally scarred for the rest of his life.
And so Connor knows that he failed miserably as Jude’s friend that night regardless of taking a bullet for Jude. Lena replies that she’s glad Connor at least has the maturity to understand why she and Stef have very serious misgivings about Jude’s friendship with him in light of Connor’s display of very poor judgement that fateful night. Connor, of course, keeps to himself that the reason he didn’t listen to Jude’s protestations about the whole thing being a bad idea is that he wanted to see how sexually pliant a little bit of liquor might make Jude. But he also realizes Stef and Lena may very well already suspect this, effectively explaining why Stef has been giving him a low-key stink-eye since the conversation began.
Connor concludes by solemnly promising Lena and Stef that if he allows his friendship with Jude to continue, he will repay their giving him another chance by making sure he keeps himself and Jude out of any and all trouble, and also that he will never use his influence over Jude to “take advantage of him in any way”. Lena smiles and accepts Connor’s promise. Stef kind of wants to keep giving him the stink-eye but can’t quite put aside the fact that this promise is coming from the boy who took a bullet to save her son. So her expression becomes more neutral and accepting and she tells Connor that if he’s sincere and won’t let peer-pressure affect his promise, then that’s a good place to start and will give their continued friendship her tentative approval. Lena makes a note to herself to later chide Stef for being Ms. Police Officer in such a “24/7” way.
“Connor concludes by solemnly promising Lena and Stef that if he allows his friendship with Jude to continue,”
should be
“Connor concludes by solemnly promising Lena and Stef that if they allow his friendship with Jude to continue,”