“I had no idea how much drinking masked my anxiety until penicillin.”

“This Pride I’m finally getting over my CATHOLIC GUILT that has prevented me from engaging and enjoying hook-up culture!”

“I’m not emotionally ready for a CRUSH!”

“Group sex has betrayed me.”

“Straighter than an arrow! Straighter than a ruler! Straighter than uncooked spaghetti! Straighter than your parents! Straighter than a 401k!”

“I went to a museum ALONE. Then I treated myself to a fancy coffee ALONE. Then I worked in the library ALONE. Then I bought this sweater ALONE.”

“Ahhhh… the afterparty: Where good decisions go to die.”

“You’d think after someone dies you wouldn’t have to deal with their bullshit anymore… yet her hatred perseveres!”

“Are you interested in engaging in some platonic friendship?”

“You’re working yourself up into an identity crisis!”

“I can list everyone on the US Women’s Soccer Team from least gay to most gay haircut!” “I can’t even appreciate what a cool and vital skill that is because I’m too sad!”

“Is that Emily? And Sarah!? AND Casey??”

“Dating. Sex. Romance. It’s not my jam.”

“The first girl I loved punched me in the face at recess in fourth grade.”

“That’s it, I’m cancelling my Valentine’s three-way to celebrate with you!”

“Sure, I’ve mostly only eaten free fortune cookies for the past two days, but I’m FINE.”

“You know what I’m doing for the holigays? Absolutely NOTHING that I feel obligated to do!”

“You can tell that now is a good time for Scout to finish their erotic novel ‘Buffy The Butt Slayer’ just from their astrological sign?”