Things Laneia’s 5-Year-Old Son Said

Have you read Thought Catalog. Have you seen it. If you do it might make you feel like This Recording or even The Awl made you feel once upon a time, like “oh smart people are writing good things on the internet for free, I should subscribe to this RSS feed” and then one day it becomes really cool, like Green Day.

OK let’s say you’ve never heard of This Recording or The Awl and you’re already rolling your eyes at the above paragraph. Well turn that frown upside down, because my Laneia “Jones” (this is seriously the fourth last name she’s employed since our launch, we have to make new business cards every three minutes) possibly maybe has a thing going on over there, starring her five-year-old son Eli, who is a super-special person. I just want to make sure that you know that if you were a breadman made out of bread, and you got butter on yourself, that would be OK. Seriously. You’re beautiful. Just the way you are.

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Riese is the 41-year-old Co-Founder of as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3228 articles for us.


  1. I have to admit…half of these I read in a Liz Lemon voice, and it was PERFECTION. Eli should write for 30 Rock.

  2. I kind of live for when Laneia tweets things her boys say. It’s my favourite, I can’t help it. I hope that when I have my own tiny humans they say things that are this smart and cute and clever and funny.

    Reading this was the best part of my yesterday. I think I’ll read it again today.

  3. Laneia’s article was posted on my birthday. Tied for best birthday present with the flannel sheets my roommate got me.

  4. I am in love with this and that amazing kid. ohmygosh. Laneia, you’re obviously pretty damn good at this mom thing.

  5. “If you loved me then you should’ve put some cheese on it”

    this is so true. if you change the Beyonce-lyrics to
    “If you liked it then you should have put some cheese on it!”, it makes much more sense in my opinion.

  6. 1. “There are no funny parts. There are no real parts”: This is pretty much my review of every movie I really hate too. This kid knows how to watch a film!

    2. Eli has SO MANY THOUGHTS about foods! AMAZING thoughts!

    3. It is really extremely adorable that your kids call you “Laneia,” Laneia.

  7. “The sky is falling! The EARTH is falling. The earth is US. It’s just falling in space. We will say ‘oof!’ We are all just falling.”

    So. My little emo heart LOVES THIS.

  8. “I tried to jump and change but my heart got smaller and I died but I came alive again and everything stopped.”
    this is so great.

  9. You really should have put some cheese on it, I think.

    This blog may be my favorite thing ever in the universe.

  10. I don’t even understand how one kid could possibly accumulate that much awesome in five years…

  11. I’m still hoping for an arranged marriage between Eli and my 5 year old, Zeca. They would have the best conversations ever.

  12. Thank you for the funny, Eli [and Laneia, Riese], even though you’re TOTALLY serious…about everything.

    *nominates Eli for “OMG, he said WHAT..?!” award”

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