‘My Partner Wants To Sleep With a Cis Man Without Me’

Q:

Hi there!

Context: my partner and I have been together for years, recently engaged. I’m trans (they/them, on t) and she’s cis.

The situation: she’s experienced a lot of sexual trauma and never been with anyone consensually other than me. She wants to try having sex with a cis guy. I’m open to having a threesome, but that’s sort of the sticking point. What she wants is to have a private encounter with someone, and if it goes well, essentially repeat it with me involved. I understand why – she wants to have a ‘normal’ experience, and she doesn’t want to associate me with it if she doesn’t like it. But I feel really sick and insecure about the idea of her being with someone else. Part of me feels like I should get over it because it’s important for her, but I’m pretty sure if she goes ahead with it, I’m going to feel awfully about it.

A:

The first thing I’m going to do is pull a lollipop lady and say that you do not have to agree with her sleeping with someone else if you are uncomfortable with it. I fully grasp your feeling of wanting to let her find fulfillment, even if it might hurt you, but that is not something to do lightly in a relationship. We’re all bozos on the bus of life, and nobody wins if one person’s happiness comes at the expense of another.

You’re also allowed to feel iffy or insecure about your partner sleeping with others. Polyamory is a state of being, not an aspiration. You aren’t a worse person if you’re unwilling to engage in it. Especially since you’ve offered a variant (a threesome) that fits your needs. Although the final decision to sleep with someone is a matter of your partner’s right to consent, you still have a claim to how the relationship runs since that affects you as much as it affects her.

Still, it sounds to me like you want to let your partner pursue sexual exploration in her way. It’s heartwarming to see how much you prize her self-determination. I just want to see if there’s a way to play this out without scraping at your insecurities.

I won’t ignore her sexually traumatic experiences and how they’ve shaped her experience of life. It’s wholly understandable that she’d want new, consensual sexual experiences after a traumatic history. Assuming this isn’t a self-destructive spiral, it could even be healing to be sexual on her terms. However, you’ve already presented the threesome as a way to be sexually open in your relationship that’s also comfortable to you. Her interest in seeing a guy privately may be healing, but it shouldn’t override your boundaries.

For your part, I also want to ask why you expect to feel terrible if this request goes forward. Insecurity is a common companion in poly relationships. Even established poly relationships face insecurity. Sometimes, an unexpected factor or person can introduce a bolt of jealousy into an otherwise stable relationship. Poly groupings have to work with that to remain poly.

While I don’t think your relationship is poly yet, you’re not alone in insecurity. Are you worried that she’s doing this because she doesn’t want your presence? Was there something in the way she suggested her idea that ticked off an emotional soft spot? You’re trans and on testosterone, so could it be a concern that a cis man might fulfil needs in a way you can’t? I feel the latter when I start wondering why a partner wouldn’t just find a cis woman instead of me. It’s a dash of internalised transphobia trying to convince me that I’m not as ‘complete’ as my cisgender equivalent.

If this topic is discussed further with your partner, you could also learn more about each other’s perspective. I’d be interested in knowing why she wants a private meetup. There’s nothing wrong with that; threesomes can be as anxiety-inducing as protective if you’re not ready for an extra person to perceive you. Maybe she has a personal reason tied to her traumatic past or the need for the ‘normal’ experience you mentioned? Likewise, does she know of your discomfort with a private meetup? You’re engaged, so I believe you love each other. The relationship is also a space for you to discuss your fears openly. Even if you can’t reach a compromise that makes everyone happy, you can learn and grow from the disagreement.

Your situation isn’t insurmountable. I sense some feelings that are very common to poly people and relationships with trauma sufferers (oops, I’m both categories). Of everything presented, I think that ‘getting over it’ before you’re ready is probably the worst option for your well-being. That would be forcing yourself to do something with unknown consequences for your self-esteem. I think the alternatives are worth exploring for now.

You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.