Q:

I can already hear the BOOS coming in response to this but I’ve long been one of those people who “didn’t really listen to music.” Not like NEVER it just wasn’t a major interest or hobby of mine for a while. I’m a runner and I used to run without music (i know…FREAK ALERT). But even though I don’t consider myself much of a Music Person, my taste has remained pretty much the same my whole life. Think, early and mid 2000s pop stuff like Hilary Duff, Kelly Clarkson, Avril, youuuuuu get it. I like some new stuff for sure, but it’s all kind of similar to that. I def get down to Chappell, which is probably one of the only artists my girlfriend and I agree on.

My girlfriend makes fun of my taste in music all the time and says I’m stuck in middle school. It started as her just teasing me, and I honestly didn’t mind it, so I didn’t stop it early on, which is maybe my b because now I get really upset and hurt by her frequent comments about what I like to listen to and feel like saying something is almost too late. She likes to tease in general which I’m not super into but can be funny sometimes but the music stuff in particular has really gotten to me. Also doesn’t everyone like the music they liked in middle school lol I swear there are whole studies on this. She’ll often play recent music and ask me if I know who it is when she knows the answer is no. And she has likened it to like being a picky eater which I’m nottttttt. It also makes me feel like I can’t express genuine interest in music she’s listening to, even though in general I am genuinely interested in expanding my music horizons or at LEAST listening to more music in general. Like I run to music now, and that was entirely my choice. But with so much other music stuff I can’t figure out if I’m actually curious and/or interested or if I’m just feeling this weird pressure from her and not wanting to be made fun of anymore.

A:

Oh BOYYYYYYYY do I understand where you’re coming from!!!!! I had an ex who hated some of the music I listened to so much that she essentially wouldn’t let me listen to it around her. Even after I saw a band I love in concert and was riding that high of post-concert re-obsession by listening to their music, I did so when she was out of the room. Once I did so while she was in the shower and as soon as she got out, she switched it off without so much as saying anything. Alrighty then! Not-so-subtle hint taken!

I did often feel insecure about my music tastes and my music blindspots around her, and some of that was my own projection and baggage for sure. But some of it was rooted on palpable judgment on her part. In your case, the judgment seems very overt. While a teasing dynamic works for some relationships, it becomes an issue when one party is not comfortable with it (and it sounds like you’re kind of implying you don’t necessarily love any of the teasing!). Here’s the thing: Even if you WERE okay with the teasing in the beginning of your relationship, if it gets to a point where you no longer are, you have a right to say something and ask for a change. This is applicable for all kinda of behavior in a relationship. Sometimes it’s easier to overlook things that may bother us early on in a relationship thanks to the dopamine and rosy eyes of New Relationship Energy. It’s not too late to bring this up.

I also want you to know that it’s okay if you don’t like music very much. Or to like what you like. Or to be curious in listening to new shit, if that’s what you really want! All of it is okay. I sense a lot of insecurity in your letter, which is not a knock on you. We all experience insecurities! But I think this teasing situation is maybe impacting you on an even deeper level than you realize. I never want you to get to a point where you feel like you need to downplay or hide your preferences, and I fear we’re already treading in that territory.

I regret not saying something when my ex turned off my music that time. Don’t be like me. Advocate for yourself. Asking if you know who a musician is in a condescending way is quite mean! And for what it’s worth, the picky eater comparison doesn’t work in her favor either, because if you were a picky eater, that would totally be your right, too? And not something she would get a free pass on teasing you for?

TLDR: I think your girlfriend is being out of pocket. It’s possible she doesn’t really know that’s how she’s being. There could be context there, like her family could use teasing as a love language. There was definitely familial baggage in my own situation. That doesn’t excuse it, but it does help contextualize it. I’m not demonizing your girlfriend, and you don’t have to either. I think you should just tell her that her words have been hurting you. The sooner you can address this, the sooner y’all can change the dynamic. And I think then you’ll be able to do the personal work to figure out if you do want to broaden your music tastes (by the way — THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR TASTE!!!! THOSE ARE KARAOKE BANGERS FOR A REASON!!!! Actually, maybe it could be healing for you to go to karaoke together and both belt out the songs you love?! Something to consider! Karaoke as couples therapy!) independently of external pressure after that dynamic shifts.

You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!