Q:

i am about to turn 40 and i am hopelessly obsessed with the past. like i can’t let go of how much happier i was in my 20s, even a little bit of my early 30s, and how much better the world seemed. i was more stable in my career with, i thought, a pretty certain future. sometimes i feel like i’m stuck in the early/midish 2000s. i rewatch tv and movies from then. i listen to old music and playlists. i know this is all embarrassing and cringe but i can’t figure out what to actually DO about it and how to stop reliving the past and getting lost in a swamp of nostalgia for what felt like an overall better time for me and everyone i know???? i don’t want to be a miserable old hag living in the past constantly but i can’t figure out how to actually stop it and move forward. will i ever be as happy as i was then?

A:

I think you have to go no contact with the past. No really, I think you have to treat the past like an ex who is not good for you. Because the way you’re writing about the past here kind of sounds like how some people write or talk about exes they’ve put on a pedestal. People will go on and on about how great an ex was, how they fear they’ll never find love again, all the while forgetting the actual reality of the situation. It’s classic nostalgia, which causes us to look at things with rose-colored glasses.

Let’s at least get this part of your letter out of the way: I don’t think the world was necessarily better then; I think it was just a bit easier for some people to pretend that it was, a bit easier to ignore some of the atrocities and injustices. Fast fashion, hyperconsumerism, and lots of offshoots of extractive capitalism were all happening. Social media has indeed had a negative impact on a lot of aspects of life, but it has also made it so we see way more of the bad shit happening around the world. Criticism of various corporations also became more accessible and widespread via social media. Amazon Prime has BEEN evil for the past two decades, but mass calls for boycotts are louder and more targeted now. I don’t say any of this to downplay just how horrific things are indeed now, but I want to challenge your urge to live in the past because of “how much better the world seemed.” At the very least, the groundwork was being laid. But in many cases, the world was just as bad. A couple of decades ago is not that long, historically speaking. We should look to the past to learn from it, not to romanticize it.

I can’t really tell you what you were like then or now, but I’m guessing there were parts of yourself that you did not really know or understand in your twenties that you do know or understand now, because that’s true for almost everyone, especially for queer people. You’re remembering the good parts of your life and likely romanticizing or ignoring altogether any of the conflict or friction that existed then, likely because you feel the weight of any conflict or friction that exists in your life now more acutely…which makes sense! You’re living it!

What you’re describing is a fairly common experience for people as they age, a tendency to long for a past point in life. We place a lot of value on youth in our culture. And trust me, I feel you on the career thing! I got started in the media industry in a much different time, and the ways this industry has imploded deeply impact me on personal and professional levels. It sucks! But remembering how it used to be or what my career prospects once were doesn’t actually do anything for me in the present.

I refused to participate in the 2016 trend on Instagram because I thought it was silly. I guess I don’t fault anyone for participating in it. To each their own! But so many of the posts I did see were clouded with the romanticism and nostalgia you’re describing. We’re going to fondly recall TWENTY SIXTEEN????? 2016?!??!?!? Not exactly a great year politically, economically, etc. I think it’s fine to look back, and I’m not saying you can never revisit the past, but the collective nostalgia as a result of that trend weirded me the fuck out.

I really think what would be best for you would be to go no contact with the past. So what do I mean by that? Take a break from those old television and movie rewatches. Take a break from the old music. Are you looking at Facebook memories or old photos? Take a break from that, too. Don’t explicitly engage with the past. Of course you can’t control how memory works, so the past is going to creep in in unexpected ways. But at least remove any of the intentional engagement with the past from your life for a while. Are there reminders of your past in your home? Things you used to own, wear, etc? Either donate them or just store them away for now.

When hanging out with people from your past (if you still have any in your life), try to focus on talking about the present with them. If they steer the conversation to the past, you can try opening up to them about the feelings you’ve been having of being stuck back then. They might be able to relate OR might be able to paint a fuller picture for you that bursts the bubble of your nostalgia. I mean, you can literally ask your friends to tell you about the ways in which you were messy or flawed in the past. That can help! My friends keep me humble all the time, and I love them for it.

I can’t give you specific answers about your happiness levels, but I CAN tell you that it will be hard to truly be happy if you continue to look back so much. Happiness now will require living in the now. Try new things. Learn new skills. Meet new people. See new places. Get involved in the community you live in right now. The past won’t save you from whatever it is you’re feeling and dealing with right now. And you won’t be obsessed with the past if you’re committed to constantly growth in the present.

You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.