Q:

Hello!

I really enjoyed the article responding to the person who started dating a self-proclaimed switch who then did their best to avoid ever topping. I’m not That Person specifically, but I’ve found myself in a situation where I (who truly believes themself to be a switch) has ended up bottoming almost exclusively in about 7 months of being together.

My partner has made it clear that this makes them feel like shit — I top about once a month (I don’t initiate unless I want to which is unfortunately infrequent). They have a high libido and I have a relatively low one. Hence, they are always initiating and being sexually dominant because they want it to happen and I am obliging them when I’d mostly rather have an early night.

We have good and regular sex, and everything else in the relationship is going great. I really love them and want to make them feel desired and satisfied. So, my question comes in two parts:

1) any suggestions for how I can take the bull by the horns and manage to derail them from fucking me so I can return the favour more often?

2) how can I do this whilst not just topping with no desire to do it because I’m so used to coasting on responsive arousal?

A:

Hi to you!

Doesn’t it suck when a comfortable routine for you stresses your partner out? Your version of this is sexual, but all relationships find non-sexual versions of this too. Things settled into a pattern. It’s not ideal for one or both people. People have their reasons for not speaking up over something minor. Poof! A minor inconvenience is now entrenched in the relationship as routine, and the irritation builds.

Well, I commend you for seeing the effect this has on your partner and trying to find a way out. It’s difficult to make ourselves want to escape a satisfactory routine. We crave routine, comfort, and low-anxiety states of mind. Even if it’s a good decision, doing something that counters our love for routine is always an uphill fight.

You have options nonetheless.

On the question of derailing their attempts to top you so you can turn the tables on them, I think there’s room for exactly that. Turning the tables on a partner (consensually) is a common thread in kinky relationships. It’s especially popular when the dynamic has a mismatch, but there’s still sexual enthusiasm to overcome it. Two people who lean submissive and bratty ‘fighting’ over who gets to dom tonight. A switch deciding that it’d be more entertaining if they swung on top and dominated their partner. I won’t presume that your shared sexual dynamic has a particular leaning, but I must make it clear that there is an established form of play that involves flipping the script.

This kind of role reversal should be discussed with your partner ahead of time. I suspect they’d be quite happy with being ‘surprised’ by this reversal, once it’s negotiated. This is my first suggestion because it doesn’t replace the existing patterns you’ve built for your sex life. There’s an established pattern (routine, if you will) where your partner initiates sex. It’s very likely that even if your partner is frustrated, they’re also in this routine funk. Trying to make them deviate adds potential complications, but you’re not asking them to not initiate. You’re just leaving open the possibility that they’ll initiate and you’ll take over.

I think you already know what I’m talking about. The wording in your question like take the bull by the horns and derail them all speaks to diverting their existing interest in everyone’s favor. I see an opportunity here.

The potential hiccup I see in my idea is echoed by your second question. I live for submission, but I know that my dominant counterparts need to be in the zone for it to happen, just as much as I need to be in the zone for submission. How you can get out of the mindset of coasting on arousal to get up and TOP is much more personal. I can offer guidance, but everyone will be different.

Be a brat

Both in the vivacious Charli XCX way and rebellious, mischievous, and kinky way. If you’re able to adopt a ‘top’ mindset and not flip onto your back the moment a good time is promised, I envy you. But when I need to dislodge my submissive side and take charge, I require an alternate framing. Being ‘dominant’ just isn’t me. But being a little shit is absolutely my wheelhouse. The shortcut that works for me is to indulge in the mischief and rebellion already present inside me to flip into a semi-dominant mindset. If my partner gives in, then we’ve got a new rhythm going.

If you’re trying to achieve a mindset that deviates from cozy submission, it might be good to find a form of resistant/rebellious submission that suits your personality. Then aim that at your partner until they’re down bad and learning their place. Bratty teasing and domination comes to my mind because that’s the framing device that works for me, but you’ll want to cultivate your own. Or you can steal mine. That’d be pretty bratty.

Adopt the language

I’m an avowed pillow princess. I also have a Master’s in Psychology. Those two worlds collided hard when I realized that the quickest way to stir dominant urges in a partner is to do the following: Make sure they’re upright and I’m on my back, and then invite them in verbally and physically (I like coiling my legs around them and pulling them in). The message is unambiguous, and the response is typically ravenous.

Sex is the intertwining of bodies, and bodies have a language. I know this is straying close to ‘fake it ’til you make it’ self-help books, but I wholeheartedly believe it works. Want to start topping? Make sure your partner doesn’t get you into the regular positions of your bottoming routine. Stave off the urge to get comfy and coast on your responsive libido. Be upright, stay upright, and mimic their routines when sex starts. Match their dominant body language with yours, and press a little until they see your game and let you in.

And truly, do whatever it takes to make it easier for your body to speak that language of dominance. If bottoming means comfy pillows, push them aside as a reminder that you should not be so cozy right now. Be bratty and make a game of not letting them get the top position on you this time. Desire only springs from thin air when we’re intensely into someone. The rest of the time, we need a nudge. Giving yourself that nudge by any means necessary will set you up for the next step. Then the next. And pretty soon, you’ll blink and realize you’re on top of the world (your partner).

Go climb your sexy person

So there. I’m closing off my advice here in the interests of not drowning my beleaguered editor Kayla in another customary mammoth draft.

From what I can see, your relationship has the right ingredients to make this happen. You’ve got a mutual willingness to see to each other’s needs, and the reflection needed to identify the challenge. If my suggestions sounded more ‘fun’ than a more logistically minded outline of sexual dynamics, that’s the point. Sex should be fun, and turning the tables on a willing and enthusiastic partner is ecstatically so. To make it happen, you just need two nudges. One happens in the mind, and the other communicates with the body. The rest will follow in the attempt.

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