How Can I Learn To Stop Worrying About Time and Love the Sex

I want to want to fuck my partner all the time! but I have a couple factors working against me.

for context, we’ve been together for over four years. when we were messing around in college we were doing stuff all the time, but it was lots of over-the-pants and can-I-masturbate-while-we-makeout stuff, not straight up SEX sex (however you define sex. whatever. you know what I mean. we weren’t fingering each other yet. there I said it! are you perverts happy??) point being, things changed once we started ACTUALLY having sex because then getting to an orgasm makes it feel so goal-oriented rather than exploratory! It takes us like two hours at LEAST to have sex and I’m someone who gets very worried about time! (I have lots of ocd in my family so this could be one of the factors playing a part.) I worry about not getting enough sleep, I worry about “losing” too much of the day (whatever that means) and, I probably have adhd so I get distracted during long activities and my mind wanders! I think it also doesn’t help that we (factor 3??) live with our friends so we are all hanging out constantly. or I may just be (4???) a little bit asexual?????

so right. none of this would be a problem if I didn’t want to have sex with them. but I do! when we do have sex I love it and they’re super hot and I want to do crazy sex stuff to their body all the time. I just don’t know how to get over my mental hurdles of being weird about time and getting mentally distracted a lot.

& I feel like sometimes I shrug off more sensual affection because I “worry” about it leading to sex and we “don’t have time” to have sex (as if my partner would ever be like.. no you grabbed my ass too many times we HAVE to have sex now?? they wouldn’t?? and I know this?)

Soooo yeah. I just don’t have the sex drive I wish I had! My partner & I have pretty much talked about all of this already. they go at whatever pace I want to go. so if I wanted to fuck all the time then we would! And I wish I wanted to! Or I do want to but I’ve inherited certain ahem mental oddities? I just kind of… don’t know what to do!

Thanks a Million & Sincerely,

A libra (sun and virgo venus and capricorn mars if that’s helpful) who reads the “And this is how they fuck” pieces & gets horny and jealous

Summer: Well, I can tell you that if you’re having sex and would have more sex if you could, you’re probably not asexual. That ‘if you could’ seems to be the challenge here. I also live with the feeling that every hour needs to be accounted for and justified. As though someone is going to come and audit how I lived my life. If the need to tightly organize your life is important to being sane, I don’t think you should resist it. Spontaneity can’t be forced without breaking something else. If your brain craves a justification for time spent having sex, it’s craving a justification. And you can give that: Good sex is enjoyable, cultivates relationships, and reinforces our self-esteem.

You can do what most couples do as they get older: schedule specific time for sex. Block out a timeframe ahead of time so that your mind has time to prepare and knows that this is Sex Time, which is a good and predetermined thing. Not everything we do even needs to be justified, but making time for enjoyment is important. I live by the statement that if you don’t schedule maintenance for your mind, your mind will schedule it for you.

Nico: I agree that you don’t sound “asexual” per se, but I do know plenty of people with ADHD who report that longer sex sessions lead to their minds wandering, while for others it’s not a problem. And while scheduling sex can be cool if that works for you, another suggestion for y’all is to schedule longer “date” afternoons where there is an activity perhaps that doesn’t need to take up the whole time allotted, and if you did both the activity AND had sex there would be enough time, but then that takes the pressure off of performing in case you feel that. Your friends should not be present for this, so maybe you’d have to coordinate some with them so they can leave y’all some space on your date nights. I know plenty of couples who have weekly date nights, if that’s a helpful idea. You can think of your date night as a reward for a week of accomplishing things!

Hi team! I am struggling with some very large impending transitions and have a big choice to make about my career. Basically I will completing my post-graduate training and (super luckily!) have a job offer in the city I live in! Yay! But the complicating factor is that I was also accepted to a really cool 1 year post-post grad opportunity that is in a different city. I hate moving and am generally scared of leaving a place where I have a robust and wonderful queer community (slash just life community) to go to a place for potentially only one year where I know essentially no one… In my heart I know I want to take the other-city opportunity because I like it better, but the staying in my city/not moving/way higher salary appeal is making me feel like that might be a dumb choice? I’m not sure how to approach this decision in a definitive way that won’t leave me questioning my decision for the next 6-7 months before the actual transition.

Valerie: The more logistical aspect is something you have to weigh that only you will know the truth of (e.g. having to move vs the higher salary, etc) but if your heart and your gut are telling you to take the out-of-city opportunity and you can financially swing it in a way that won’t make your life too much more difficult down the line, I vote for that option. Worst case, your community will still be here for you when you get back in a year. (Or two, or five.) Best case, you find a brand new community and now get to experience the joys of discovering and building and belonging to a community all over again. Then you’ll have two communities! So then down the line, if you face another choice between staying in the new city or moving back to your current city, it will be even easier, because you’ll have community in both places and just have to decide based on jobs/opportunities/logistics. And the truth is, you might still question the decision for the next 6 months, because change is scary, but that’s okay! If it’s what you truly want, I highly doubt you’ll regret having tried it. But if you don’t go, you might always wonder about not going down the road your heart was pulling you toward.

Summer: Oooof, I feel your love of home and place. Moving is already one of the most stressful things for people who can handle it. The rest of us are doomed. Normally, I’d talk logistics, but I want to focus on personal growth. If your life is this put-together (congrats btw), you probably have an orientation toward continuous personal growth and life improvement.

So my question back to you is which of your options is more likely to lead to stability and better opportunities in future? Coming out of postgrad with a job offer waiting is an awesome proposition in this economy and shouldn’t be set aside lightly. That kind of certainty is very uncommon these days. I wouldn’t even consider a stressful move for a one-year stint if I couldn’t absolutely guarantee that the job offer would still be there or I could do better after that amount of stress. Both of your options probably have career advancement opportunities, so I want to factor in the part where one is a guaranteed income and the other may not be an income guarantee, and relocation always imposes costs (financial and emotional). Basically, I’d only take the one-year opportunity if it practically guaranteed a better long-term future. And even then… I like having a job.

Nico: I’m curious about what your plans are after the 1-year opportunity should you take that. Have you mapped out your plans beyond the initial year? You say you like the 1-year option better, but does it lead to better pay afterwards, more stability? Yes, I think you can have a fun and beautiful time in a new city — and if you work to maintain your relationships back in your current community, then you can always have that to return to. However, like Summer said, a good job right out of school is a rare gem nowadays, so I would carefully weigh your pros and cons, talk to everyone you trust about this and maybe some additional people from your school or in your field, and be careful about the decision you make. Either way though, congratulations and good luck!