Glee 308 Recap: Hold On To Sixteen And Your Lunch As Long As You Can

It’s time for Sectionatozialsarofskygagganzas! Santana snarks that New Directions is welcome to jump ship and get into some Trouble(tones) should they lose the upcoming battle of the bands.

listening to santana describe nipple clamps

Finn and His Fun Police wheel in, sirens blaring:

Finn: “That’s incredibly rude, Santana.”
Santana: “Rude? I’m being nice. Rude would be if I followed you around all the time and every time you tried to say something, I played a note on a tuba.”

Oh, Santana, never change. Even post-IKAG, she’s still a bitch.

Then Quinn steps forward to issue random ominous Eric Northman threats to a bunch of teenagers too self-absorb to notice she’s had a psychotic break. “Puck here is gonna come through for us, he’s such a bright shining star in every conceivable way, don’t you think?” Quinn asks, like a crazy person who has gotten even crazier since the last time she said something crazy.

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It’s time for the show! First up is their sole competitor, the Unitards, and Rachel is seething in her seat that The Glee Project Girl is stealing three minutes of screen time we could’ve spent watching Brittany and Santana talk about their feelings and maybe touch one another’s hair.

when you're good to mama, mama's good to you

“That should be ME singing that song,” Rachel says. Classic Rachel©.

and she's only twelve years old!

After that epic waste of time, Rachel allegedly spies Quinn exiting the auditorium and runs her down so they can make out just like they do on tumblr. JUST KIDDING, Rachel tracks down Quinn in the hallway to intercept Quinn’s night-time journey to what surely is an empty principal’s office at this hour, because proving student-teacher affairs and swiftly issuing judgment on them is a clean, neat, ten-minute problem. CAN’T JUST ONE THING ON THIS SHOW MAKE SENSE IN A REAL WAY? JUST ONE THING?

matchy matchy

Rachel: “Where are you going?”
Quinn: “Aren’t you supposed to be in the auditorium?
Rachel: “I saw you leave the auditorium. I know what you’re going to go do; you’re going to tell Figgins about Shelby and Puck.”
Quinn: “I’m an adult. I can do whatever I want.”
Rachel: “If you want to be a destructive force in the universe, that’s your business. But can you just please wait until after the Troubletones perform?”
Quinn: “Why?”
Rachel: “Because we don’t want to wreck all the hard work our friends in that group put into their performance.”
Quinn: “So we win.”
Rachel: “No. Not like that. Look, if you’re going to go through with this, you owe it to Shelby to tell her first. It’s the adult thing to do. — I got a taste of what it’s like to do the wrong thing, and it feels awful.”

Rachel’s sweet to Quinn here, and also vulnerable and really decent, too, so maybe Rachel’s been humbled by the taste of defeat and the possibility of thwarted ambitions. In the past she used setbacks as motivation to compete harder, but this year she seems to be learning the value of team work.

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Quinn takes 40% of Rachel’s advice and swings by Shelby-Shack to spew additional crazy-ass shit. Shelby’s so fucking classy here, though, accepting fault, resigning to fate, wanting her cameo to be over already, etc.

POPULAR! I know about popular!

Quinn tells Shelby she shouldn’t have come here, it was a weird distracting subplot nobody cared about and it made Quinn sad or something.

Shelby: “You’re so young, pretty–
Quinn: “Don’t talk down to me.”
Shelby: “It goes away, you know. Not the pretty, you’ll always be pretty. But the young. It happens really slow and you don’t even notice it and then one day everything just feels different.”
Quinn: “I can’t wait to feel different.”
Shelby: “Don’t wish away your life, you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be. I think I thought that being with an eighteen year old would make me feel 18 again but mostly it just made me feel even older… alright, I’m gonna enjoy my last few hours of being [something I didn’t transcribe] and I recommend that you enjoy being up on that stage… I am sorry, Quinn.”

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The Troubletones explode onto the stage dressed like Jiffy Pop in high heels and are fantastic with this “I Will Survive/Survivor” Mashup that gives Santana and Mercedes many opportunities to shine. If The Troubletones were a real band, I’d buy their album and go to all of their shows.

Obvious highlights include and are limited to waltzish-section wherein the ladies paired off and a devious cameraperson gifted us with a clean focus on Brittany + Santana looking fierce and smokin’ hot.

entirely possible that they are both switches

They’re good, really good, and everybody knows it.

Now pop your popcorn, put on your patriarchy pajamas and settle up for an hour of nonstop New Directions. Not gonna lie, though, I liked The Troubletones and (unlike my intern, apparently) also liked the New Directions, although I’m unsure why Finn and Mike Chang were given so many solos. I guess I just like singing and dancing SO MUCH.

The New Directions, dressed as cater-waiters, lead with one of my fave songs ever, the Jackson 5’s ABC, and Tina’s teenage popstar voice is perfect, as is Kurt’s sudden ability to be sexy and fantastic. Sam gets to thrust his cock in the air, which delights everybody including the drunk clown judge (don’t ask). Everyone cheers, shit goes dark, and the spotlight illuminates Quinn and her deathless Lady Gaga voice leading into Janet Jackson’s “Control”:

Quinn: “This is a story about control, my control. Control of what I say, control of what I do, and this time, I’m gonna do it my way.”

Blaine leads “Control” effectively and at the conclusion of “Control,” Finn emerges from the deep fog to ruin Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror” and I re-eat everything I’ve ever eaten in my entire life and re-throw-it-up. Then the other boys take over and I deal.

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Post-performance, back in the dressing room, Sam gloats: “TOP DOGS! Yeah that’s what I’m talking about!” ’cause he’s holding on to thirteen as long as he can. Judging time!

this must be what it feels like to be the group ryan seacrest just ordered to take three steps back and then one step forward

Surprise, The Unitards snag third place and the Gerber Baby pees in her pants with delight:

this is so much better than being fourth out of four!

Um, Troubletones get second and New Directions get first and everyone laughs/claps in slow-motion.

this trophy is almost as big as my ego!

We cut back to The Troubletones who look troubled because their feet are glued to the bleachers. Lights out, and SCENE. G-ddamn, show.

i'm just putting this screencap here like it's something to do

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Cut to some office somewhere, where Rachel and Quinn both show up, ready for a pizza party or maybe an ice cream cone to the face:

Where'd you get that hat, Whitney

Rachel: “Well, my suspension is officially over. It’ll still be on my transcript, though. I’m just hoping that the admissions department at NYADA see it as a sign of my artistic, rebellious attitude.”
Quinn: “Good luck with that.”
Rachel: “Are you going to go tell Figgins about Shelby? Because I still think it’s a really terrible idea.”
Quinn: “I came here to talk to you, actually. To tell you I’m not going to tell.”
Rachel: “Why?”
Quinn: “Because I love Beth, and I don’t want to ruin her life… I wanted to thank you, actually.”
Rachel: “For what?”
Quinn: “For keeping me from doing something stupid. Something I would have regretted my entire life.”

Mhm. Quinn was this close to devoting herself to Finn Hudson for life, thank G-d Rachel stole him back.

Rachel: “We’re kind of friends, huh?”
Quinn: “Kind of.”

So Quinn’s giving up on Project Beth in favor of everybody’s favorite safety school, Yale. It’s the second-most competitive University in the country!  GAH this is driving me irrationally crazy, this unnecessarily fake universe where all schools seemingly have rolling admissions, theater conservatories are more concerned with your Student Government experience than your audition, NOBODY is applying to ANY backup schools, and Ohio State came to McKinley to maybe recruit Finn. These kids need a meeting with Tami Taylor stat.

first, you'll have to take off your pants and get on your knees

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ANYHOW – cut to the restroom, where Santana’s carefully applying Brittany’s eyeliner ’cause Eyeliner Lesbians are the new Lipstick Lesbians. I think Shane started it. Today’s bathroom chat topic is “losing to New Directions,” which is partially blamed on Sam’s Penis Thrust. Santana says:

probably it was a yeast infection

Then Quinn shows up and I’m so out of recap-energy-juice

the ladies restroom may be the only room left in gleeland where we won't be surrounded by boys

“Do you know what growing up is about,” Quinn begins with poise after Mercedes crosses her arms and says “we’re listening.” The girls, always ready for a teachable moment, eye her mysteriously. Quinn continues: “Losing things.”

underneath that jacket you might find all the lost characters and storylines form glee

Quinn goes on to divulge her age (17), how much of her life she has in front of her (the rest of it), who she loves (“you girls” and Glee Club) and when she’d like to look back on these months as the best times of her life (at 27 or 87). It’s grim but the ladies lap it up and Brittana even cutely hold hands like twelve-year-olds who don’t know they’re gay yet.

at least their fingers are getting some scissoring action today

Quinn suggests the girls return to Glee Club ’cause Mr. Shu & Rachel approved The Troubletones getting their own number at the International Ghostspace Hacksaw Karate Cinema Awards or whatever. Quinn then requests their presence at a sure-to-be-epic singalong in the auditorium and skips off.
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Cut to the auditorium, where New Directions is ripe with youth, fervor, and, certainly, ecstasy or some other kind of drug that induces near-record levels of Choral Euphoria. The song of the hour is “We Are Young” by Fun and Janelle Monáe.

Then something catches Quinn’s eye — it’s Sugar Motta and those three other girls from the music team thing! — at which point The Troubletones, also infected with Enthusiasm, practically leap to the risers to hug all the wrong people.

Oh my god it's an x-box for only $99.99!!!!!

Brittany hugs Irish Breakfast, Quinn and Mercedes dance gayly about, Brittany then hugs Mike and Tina at the same time, all while Santana stands proudly like a soldier in a turtleneck, belting the fuck out of that song, until even her steely defenses break down and she is ENCHANTED BY THE GLEE OF GLEE.

this is really gay

Rachel takes Santana’s hand and leads her over to Finn, and THEN SANTANA HUGS FINN AND I throw up all the food I didn’t eat in addition to re-re-throwing up all the food I’ve ever eaten in my life.

hahaha now it's your turn to have a ridiculous storyline with finn!

At that point I died, I don’t know what happened next.

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Soooo… my intern alerted me to the presence of this this blow job. You’ll like this better. Then there’s also this, which is probably a lie, but whatever. COME BACK NEXT WEEK FOR THE CHRISTMAS EPISODE!!

via gleekstorm.tumblr.com

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Riese is the 39-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2883 articles for us.

106 Comments

  1. I’d also like to comment that I was offended by Sam’s dismissive comment of Quinn having #richwhitegirlproblems. Getting pregnant by a guy who plied you with alcohol and LIED about protection, getting kicked out of your home by your parents without any thought, bouncing between friends’ homes until the baby is born and then given away, struggling to hold onto any semblance of a good relationship while trying to maintain your popularity when nobody gives a shit about you, repeatedly being told that you’re selfish, crazy, disappointing, and someone who is not worth caring about. Right, totally. I didn’t realize #richwhitegirlproblems meant losing everything you held dear in your life and spinning out of control with no one to help you. Thanks for the sympathy, Riese. I’m a little disappointed with that one.

    • um, right, but this is glee, and in glee all that exists is what just happened. Quinn approached him because she wants a new boyfriend and also she is scheming to ruin shelby’s life, who adopted beth and is a great mother, in order to get the baby back, for unclear reasons — a ridiculous subplot that i thought we all agreed was bullshit and wanted to be over. i never thought of it as ‘whitegirlproblems’ but when he said that, i laughed. i’ll take laughter where i can get it.

      i get your backstory, those aren’t #richwhitegirlproblems, what you say is true explained that way and i’d be a heartless asshole to see it otherwise. i don’t think i’m as invested in quinn as you are, is all. neither of us is wrong or right. i’m just not there with these characters anymore, which is why i generally don’t recap the entire episode, but i thought i’d give it a whirl and uh, guess i won’t be doing that again. i’m really hanging in there for santana and rachel and often kurt and trying to figure them out, but the rest of these kids — i’m completely fucking lost. the first season is a really distant memory to me.

      you’re filling in a lot of holes for them and giving the writers a LOT of credit, and that’s your prerogative, but to say — seriously, AFTER EVERYTHING WE’VE BEEN THROUGH TOGETHER — that you’re “disappointed” in me and “thanks for the sympathy” because i haven’t constructed the same character sketch as you have is really fucking disappointing to me. why is it a big deal? yes, i could patch all the pieces together and find a way to fit all of the evidence into a reasonable facsimile of an actual human being but I don’t feel like the writers did that, and I’m not doing that for them. don’t read my recaps for insight on quinn.

      my number one feeling about each episode of glee is “all we have is now” and right now she’s trying to get someone fired to get her baby “back” from its adoptive mother, which is really shitty. really, i guess, whatever.

      • Well, my disappointment mainly lies in the fact that it’s yet another example of the boys going “Oh girl, you be crazy LOL” on Glee, because that’s what it was. Just another little moment in a long list of bullshit patriarchal moments. Nobody has ever said to Finn: “Dude, you be trippin’ with your #whiteboyproblems”. If Sam had said something more along the lines of “#firstworldproblems LOL” then I’d agree with it, but singling her crazy as a “girl” problem is what pissed me off. And I’m sure you and I can agree on that.

        (Pax. I still worship you so don’t worry I ALWAYS GOT YOUR BACK)

  2. Riese, I just want to thank you for recapping this bullshit. I think of you each episode because 1) I’m a creepy internet stalker, and 2) I would never, ever want to recap this nightmare. (except the Adele mashup. I’d recap that all night long.)

  3. The New Directions performance was so boring, Riese. So boring. The song choices were boring, the choreography was boring, the arrangements were boring, and also I hate Finn’s face. I’m actually glad you liked it, though. It’s always good when you can derive entertainment from something that should be entertaining in the first place.

    Also also, I don’t know why the Troubletones graphics are so pixel-y, but I refuse to watch this episode again so I can fix them.

    Errant apostrophe in a plural noun helpfully removed by riese, with love

    Eye roll helpfully added by Intern Grace, with love

  4. To expand that is to say that we all have different senses of humor and I am not going to wave my blind person flag (though I am going to point out that HK was an incredible woman who did more than most people have even an inkling of and I hate seeing her reduced to a cheap gag) and proclaim how offended I am or whatever, because it’s important to have a sense of humor about ourselves and not be grim and doom about everything that’s off color, but when there’s at least one thread in most articles where we all have to figure out what language is offensive and isn’t and we have to come down super hard on someone for how they interact with the world or what have you it stings to see that joke. I mean, the people that I’ve seen get skewered around here usually have some variation of I didn’t mean it that way/I’m being funny/can we just talk about my point please, so I am just saying preach it and practice it.

    Unless I am just reading it wrong? Also totally possible.

  5. I didn’t mind the episode too much. What really pissed me off was all that twitter shit you linked at the end. I watched all of that happen and what made it worse is that Ali Adler pretty much spent the entire day on twitter yesterday saying the same thing those douche nozzles did. And she’s the damn lesbian writer! Honestly wtf?

  6. Great recap. Btw Riese that dance that the Troubletones did is called Waacking which is a dance style most commonly danced in gay clubs and in the Latino and African American communities. Also, it was most likely an ode to Priscilla Queen of the Desert cause of the famous ‘I Will Survive’ performance in that great Australian movie. My parents loved the Troubletones’ performance.

  7. So last week remember how I said I watched the whole episode with the “DX” expression? Similarly, this week I realized every time Finn came on screen I made the “>:(“, aka a frown-y grimace. I think this proved that the one thing Glee is really good at is creating characters I am emotionally involved with. Like remember how much I like Brittany and Santana? Well it’s like the for Finn, except every time I see him on screen, I feel a little bit of rage bubble up.

    I think that’s pretty impressive, because honestly, I’m not an angry person! I like feeling happy, and in real life I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. Most of the time when a show introduces a villain, I am either bored by them, or I end up rooting for them like Spike, Callisto, or whomever the bad people are in Twilight. Whatever.

    But the writers of Glee did the impossible, they created a character that’s very existence can enrage me! So good job Glee. Way to alienate me as a viewer, and make me angry every time I see Wonderboy Saint Finnicus. It’s to the point that I’m not sure it’s even worth it to see the Brittana arc play out. I feel like there’s nothing to look foreword to, especially if they keep writing it like last week’s episode. Also, from what I’ve read from the writers on the subject, it certainly doesn’t sound like they filmed any Brittana kisses if they weren’t even aware that a neck nuzzle =/= a kiss. Oh no, now I think I’m angry AND sad. WHY GLEE WHY?!

  8. Troubletones got robbed, y’all. Just sayin.

    And the second-to-last thing I need in the world, just before Rick Perry running ANYTHING except a Bigoted Hypocrite Douchebags Anonymous group, is “more country”. When Red Solo Cup came on, I left to make myself a verrry strong drink (in a grown-up mug instead of a Solo cup).

  9. Did anyone else’s heart actually skip a little bit when Santana and Brittany started dancing with each other? I was like, oh shit, this is supposed to be what’s happening right now! Don’t get me wrong, I have to give credit where credit is due. I’m very happy for the plots involving gay issues with people who are honestly proud of it and have their own stories. That’s awesome, especially in a high school setting. However, I just get so bummed out whenever I see the opportunity for Santana and Brittany to really begin their relationship just pass before us each week.

    I think it’s so important that they explore this topic of Santana and Brittany. It’s very rare that a girl of color get represented as a lesbian in tv today let alone actually be a lesbian and not sleep with other men in the process. As if men can somehow push us one way or the other. I was feeling so optimistic for Santana’s episode, how they decided to explore her whole process. And it would be cool to dive a little more into Brittany’s thought process about the whole thing. She seems so comfortable with it all, not even cleaving to any labels. I feel like that is how our generation tends to be these days, accurate depiction.

    Anyhow, Riese, I agree with you about trying to consider schools closer to Ohio. I think it’s funny that they never even mention Michigan; a school right up Rachel and Kurt’s alley. Rachel for the competitive and sometimes uptight atmosphere that UofM tends to have and the overall acceptance and progressiveness that is Ann Arbor. Also, our musical theatre program is incredible. Hahaha, maybe I’m biased. I’ve got mad love for my school.

    • yes i suggested university of michigan in an earlier recap and in this recap I re-drafted a list of schools in the midwest with strong theater programs and then decided maybe nobody was as preoccupied with this college situation. BUT I CONCUR. actually also i went to michigan, and grew up in ann arbor.

      and yes we’re obsessed with brittany and santana

  10. I’ve come to accept the fact that if I am okay with the idea of a show choir where entire bands, choirs, dancers, backup singers and costumes show up out of nowhere, then I can accept most of the other nonsensical stuff.
    Are we really supposed to believe that Sue gets away with what she does the and says? Or Santana? That Brittany is REALLY that dumb? Nope. Why do we like it? ‘Cause it’s fucking funny, that’s why.
    I’ve also come to accept the fact that Riese’s recaps are hilarious and that she hates Finn. Even her hatred of Finn has become enjoyable.
    And I remember that this show is categorized as a comedy. And that a significant portion of their audience are teenagers, specifically teenage girls. A lot of teenage girls love big goofy football star boy heroes. A lot of lesbians can’t understand this, myself included.
    Do they do a better job with the music and comedy than they do most times with the drama? Absolutely. They’ve done the best job so far with Kurt. Much of the rest has been sloppy and even mawkish at times.
    Despite the problems, I still love the music, the dancing, the pretty, pretty faces. Yes, I can be shallow like that. I love the insanity of Sue and Santana’s insults, the special, special world Brittney lives in, Rachel’s almost ruthless pursuit of stardom and the endless fashion amusement and cuteness overdose that is Kurt and Blaine.

    I can forgive a lot when I need to.

    • This sums up my feelings exactly… I love Glee. I LOVE Santana and Britney. I want my very own pocket sized Kurt and Finn is sometimes obnoxious as fuck… but at the same time. It’s all funny. That’s why I love Glee. The little gems of moments that are Sugar’s faces, Finn’s dumbassery as a teenage boy, and Santana/Britney moments. When you don’t get bogged down on the little (and sometimes big) stuff it’s a much more enjoyable show. Was Finn outing Santana awful and heart-wrenching and under-criticized on the show? Absolutely. Was it unfortunately realistic and painful. Definitely. Glee is what it is. Hilarious and sometimes awful but the moments of reality (both incredibly painful and sometimes wonderful and beautiful) bring to me a greater appreciation for the show. Finn outing Santana was painful because of how relevant and real it was. If everything had gone perfectly with Santana’s coming out it would have awful. Conflict is what makes great television (and theatre and film for that matter), and without that it wouldn’t have been so real. Another moment in particular that struck me as being beautifully real was the “Dog Days Are Over” number. The whole scene felt so real for some reason, the characters felt like real high school students to me. And even when those moments are far and few in between, they are wonderful and precious and make the show worthwhile.

    • Well said! Glee definitely has some hlarious moments. I too love hearing Santana and Sue’s quips. They are too clever! Even the other characters have funny lines…I remember when Coach Beist was eating that turducken in the I Kissed a Girl Episode, Emma said to her, “what is that animal you appear to be so noisily enjoying”? and I just cracked up. moments like that….awesome! lol

      And I do think that most of the actors and actresses play their characters superbly. :-)

  11. So I thought I caught something at the end but no one else seemed to notice. I’ve been watching Britney these past couple of episodes and like girlfriend really isn’t saying much – but I think she said it ALL in the last scene. When Santana reached to take her hand in the bathroom, Britney hesitated!! Maybe I am reading too much into but it seems to me Britney is just not that into Santana, and they are going to break them up.

    I may be reading too much into it…this show is not that complicated…

    • Fans were tweeting Gloria Estefan after she made the announcement that she’s playing Santana’s mom, and Gloria made the mistake of mentioning that Santana might not be happy with Brittany. Cue fandom shitstorm. But yes, it’s interesting that even the body language between them isn’t the same as it was recently, so you might not be the only one reading into something…

    • I noticed that, too, but I’m really torn on how much I should read into it. Narratively speaking, breaking up Santana and Brittany at this point does not seem like a logical progression – not after their incredibly drawn-out, up-and-down, and fairly developed story line over the past seasons. It also seems like a poor choice (narratively and otherwise) seeing as Santana’s plot line right now focuses on her coming out/finally working toward happiness.

      Not to mention that a huge percentage of the Glee fandom would probably throw themselves off a cliff/kill the writers in the night if they broke them up.

      On the other hand, it’s Glee, and I don’t have much faith in the writers, so I am slightly worried.

  12. Accurate summary of the main—sometimes only—thought I muster while watching Glee: “which, again, REALLY?, but also — WHATEVER”

    Said thought is mostly directed at my own shitty self, as in: “I’m watching Glee again, REALLY?, but also — WHATEVER; I guess I’ll just keep listening, and fast forwarding, and half-watching while clipping my nails, and rewinding to fully watch some parts I like, and reading the recap, and commenting on it, and reading other comments, and repeating the pattern when the next episode comes around.” Just a real shitty self, the one I got, I tell you.

    Also: The throw-up situation escalating was the funniest thing since [something reallyyy funny I couldn’t come up with]. Well done.

  13. if possible, i thought this week’s episode was even worse than last week’s. first of all, the troubletones KILLED IT with i will survive/survivor and i’m totally with grace, the new directions were so boring. and wow, surprise, they won! ’cause they’re the underdogs! duurrrr

    can santana and mercedes just sings songs together for 45 minutes instead next week

  14. I would LOVE a Finn-Free episode, I mean really EVERY episode gimme a break he’s not that awesome.
    That whole “Quinn is gonna get her baby back is 1) more implausible than usual and 2) utterly ridiculous, when did Quinn become baby hungry and crazy.
    “Red Solo Cup” so a retread of Britt’s “My Cup”, so no Glee writers we haven’t forgotten about Brittney’s awesome, even though you probably wish we would.
    Please, please fix Puck’s hair.
    Why did the TT’s have one song and ND three, very boring, very uninteresting songs? And please leave Michael and Janet out of your shenanigans.
    And last but most important why, oh why do Klaine and whatever Rachel and Finn are called, get to kiss, walk down the hall together etc and Brittana not? You made them a couple, they should act like it, they were more affectionate before they got together. Even though, no they did not kiss.
    I am so starting to wish I’d continued to ignore Glee, instead of renting it one weekend in October.

    • It’s true! Finn is doing wayyyyy too much in these recent episodes. Yes! I noticed that too, just wrote a comment and mentioned it was unfair for ND to have 3 songs vs 1 like every other group.

      Ahhhh! You’ve noticed Puck’s hair too! Almost thought i was imagining it, what is up with that?

      I would love to see Brittana more affectionate w/ each other, but in reality, they aren’t a couple. :-( They are just two really close friends who happen to snuggle and fool around with each other, and it means something for one of them, Santana. Not saying that Brittany doesn’t care for Santana, she just seems less interested in it romantically. She merely goes with the flow.

      They acted most like a couple in that one episode where they were at Breadsticks and Santana asked Brittany to hold her hand, under the napkin. But there’s never been a real commitment to the romantic relationship, like there is between Kurt and Blaine. Kurt and Blaine talked about it and are actually together, but we’ve seen nothing like that between Brittany and Santana.

      It is sad, but I don’t even see them together! More often than not things are pretty lukewarm between them, and remember the Adele mash-up they did? I wonder if at the end, when Mercedes and Santana are singing the last two lines (“Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead”) and we see Santana’s face, and how it’s pained, and Brittany’s face, and it is even more pained, if that is foreshadowing an end to whatever semblance of a romantic relationship they have together. Guess we will see!!! tear to brittana!

      • Isn’t it frustrating, the way they’re presenting Brittany and her (lack of) feelings for Santana? What happened to her progression in Season 2 (“With feelings it’s better”; “Clearly you don’t love you as much as I love you”; “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anybody else in this world”; “I’m so yours, proudly so”; her desire to sing a Melissa Etheridge duet together; her plans to ask Santana to prom; her heartbroken expression when Santana said she was “soulmates” with Karofsky, etc.)? What happened to all that?

  15. enjoyed this recap immensely! i always appreciate riese’s sexual references, esp. regarding brittany and santana, who are apparently the most sexually active students at McKinley (or WERE the most sexual until they became lesbians and content with hugs and handholds).

    also, that not-a-kiss twitter bullshit the other day totally destroyed my mood and unleashed a ridiculous amount of rage. it is truly disgusting how much this godawful show affects my mental well-being.

      • Hilarious! :-) it’s like the old Barney episodes where one of the kids would start singing a random song then next thing you know everybody joined in with complete kowledge of the song and dance moves! lol

        Is “Lex” your name or s it short for your full name? Just wondering because I go by lex sometimes too and my name is really Alexia. :-)

  16. K…so did anyone else find it unfair that New Directions got to sing three songs and every other group sang one? How did that happen and how was that ok? I thought there was going to be some kind of twist where they were going to get disqualified or something but go figure, they won…

    It was nice to see though, that the singing and dancing was pretty equally distributed when they performed. Rachel wasn’t the lead singer for any of the songs, which was surprising. The new mash-up was good, but I have a special place in my heart for the Rumor Has It/Someone Like You mashup. :-)

    Does anyone else notice how off-center Puck’s mohawk is? Is this intentional or is it just me? because every time he appears in a scene, I cringe at the way his mohawk is off to the side. um….they need to fix that.

    Call me a cynic but I can’t take some of this crazy shit. Ok, so trouty mouth was working as a male dancer, when he’s still highschool age, and then Rachel and Finn can pose an intervention and just bring him back to mckinley high? hm….. ok….. i suppose i just have to “suspend my disbelief”, as my bestie always tells me when we watch this show. same with pretty little liars. i like the show but man A makes me sick. How can he/she be omnipresent, omniscient, etc. it’s just not even possible!

    Loving these recaps, can’t wait for the next!

    • I think we were supposed to assume that all the groups sang 3 songs, but we only saw all three for the group we’re supposed to be rooting for. That’s the formula they’ve done for competitions in the past, but in those episodes they had other scenes in between each of the other groups performances, where Nude Erections was in the green room backstage, so you knew that performances were going on that you weren’t seeing. This time they had Nude Erections out watching the competition. Dunno why; maybe just sloppy writing?

  17. Glee is proof of how stupid our generation is, it isn’t even funny any more its just filling all the stereo types that each character portrays. The writers dont even know how to keep a legitimate story arch, each episode the characters change personalities. It’s just horrible writing all together, I loved the first season, I was okay with the second season, but seriously this season is the shittiest show I have ever watched. I’d rather watch Lifetime, at least they know how to stick to their plot.

  18. Ok seriously, Ryan Murphy needs to Read a Fucking Book: and that book should be Fight Club (yeah it’s a book, and its hella better than the movie) cause…..Ryan? are you listening?…they become freakin’ terrorists! Blaine becoming a terrorist may be an interesting break from the banality that is Glee, but I don’t think The Parents would like that

  19. I kinda enjoyed this episode (mainly for all the Faberry reasons), but Troubletones should have won. I still can’t believe they got Idina back on the show and didn’t explore the Shelby/Rachel relationship, instead they made her sleep with Puck.

  20. I don’t really like this review because I feel that the best characters on the show are Finn and Rachel. Finn is not a douchebag theree are just alot of haters. Yes he may do alot of things wrong but he is only human and him and Rachel are the only two characteers on the show who are willing to admit their mistakes. He has apoligized to everyone he has done something wrong to. I have still yet seen Santana apoligize to anyone. So anyway the only reason I watch this show is for Finchel and I love the both of them and thaught the episode was reaaly good.

  21. …I actually liked this episode. Well I liked the last ten minutes, the Troubletones performance (ohmahgah they were voguing! It was like Paris Is Burning all over my screen. House of Blatina.), the Control part of ND performance, the Artir part of Man In The Mirror, and the last ten minutes. Oh. I said that. I actually found it kind of sweet. And that was the best showcase of united ND force since Dog Days Are Over, Somebody to Love, Don’t Stop Believin’.

    “Quinn takes 40% of Rachel’s advice and swings by Shelby-Shack to spew additional crazy-ass shit.”

    THIS! I actually laughed tea all over my keyboard because that’s exactly what I thought when Quinn went to go meet with Shelby.

    And speaking of Quinn. She’s had the shittiest problems since like season 1. She was raised middle american Christian Evangelist, she gets pregnant, gets kicked out, hops around like a hobo from friend to friend, tries to recapture her post baby mama glory in all the wrong ways, SHE HAS ZERO FRIENDS, and now she’s all Halle Berry in Losing Isiah. And then also she thinks high school is like end game and that college isn’t an option apparently. Particulary outside of Ohio.

    So I was a lot happy when she took her Prozac/Trilafon cocktail, wore her white dress of sanity, and became “oh yeah I do like you Quinn” again.

    But Yale? I don’t know… Maybe Quinn is also an A student and Yale will note her pregnant/adoption saga as raw material for a budding starlet a la Rachel Berry melo-drams in their renowned theater program? Yep.

    I personally think Vassar is thee PERFECT fit for Quinn La Folle.

    If you can’t tell I’ve grown a soft spot for her because I hate when people struggle and no one cares.

    Now off to Santana!

    I was a Brittana fan for all of two seconds. I’m a huge Santana being lady loving fan, but there are so many reasons her and Brittany don’t work. One being the writers are creating this palpable distance between them even in their intimate finger scisorring scenes. Brit isn’t down for the power of lady love as much as Santana. And although HeMo and Naya are disgustingly cute together off screen as bffls, Naya is more willing to explore saphhic ways via Santana, than Heather. So… just bring in someone else for Santana.

    At this point I’m team bring back Rachel Berry centric episodes because they are not treating the Santana storyline with the same care they did in the 2nd half of season two. There was beautiful nuance then. Now everthing is forced wrongness.

    Who are these writers? I write. I’m applying. I’m a queer POC of the femme variety, so Santana is who I really connected with and these White male gay writers are letting their ignorance show. I mean that in the kindest way possible. Not really.

    But yeah I’m sort of still venting off of last week. This week’s episode I didn’t hate so much.

  22. Okay, so I really liked this episode. I thought all of the performances were good (Red solo cup was cute and campy, but by far the weakest). Tina got a HUGE solo which was awesome and one of the few times I’ve actually been able to hear her voice in…actually I can’t remember the last time I heard her. It might have been RockyHorror. Anyways, ABC and Control were my favorites. I Will Survive/Survivor was good, but I agree with several other commenters; a good Show Choir judge would know that when the actual choir isn’t strong only one or two people will be singing and for once New Directions actually DID showcase as many people as they could and deserved to win.

    That said…

    Your review is HILARIOUS!!! I could not stop laughing the entire time. I will now be checking back to see your reviews (if I agree with them or not) every time after Glee! You rock.
    I also would like Finn to suddenly never have speaking lines again. In fact, just give all of his lines to Artie. Better character, WAY better singing voice and even in a wheelchair somehow he’s a better dancer than Finn. The only reason I would keep Finn around is Rachel, he makes a good little background boyfriend to her crazy talent.

  23. Also if you’ve read The Symposium you’ll see where I’m going with this.

    Ryan Murphy and his staff write the women so… so basic and one dimensional sometimes.

    And they treat lesbianism like a “hahaha those silly girls can’t even penetrate each other” sort of thing.

    It makes me think of The Symposium and how, I forget which misogynistic philosopher of antiquity was speaking at this point, but he gave three types of love:

    Man/Man
    Man/Woman
    Woman/Woman

    These little old timey R. Murphy’s essentially said the male/female relationship was soley for procreation. The female/female relaionship was silly and a bunch of lecherous girls just enjoying vag with one another (very Lysistrata or Orginal sin Eve. Women are oversexed (seriously?) and men have to keep our hysterics at bay/in check) and that the all mighty MAN/MAN relationship was the most heralded of them all! Pederasty as Pedagogy at it’s finest. As men were clearly naturally erudite and evolved so their intimacy with one another was one step closer to God or something. Because women are stupid. End.

    I’m no misandrist. I’m a damn liberal hippie, so I believe everyone’s connection with someone else is something beautiful, but I HATE that people still think like that. On both sides. I don’t get men who feel this way about women, or women who feel this way about men. And I don’t get heteros who don’t get gays and gays who don’t get heteros. I think it all shows a sad lack of perspective. If you don’t get it, just focus on you and leave everyone else the eff alone.

    So in conclusion. Ryan Murphy is sad.

  24. Regarding the League of Unnecessary Characters With Excessive Screen Time Despite Audience Apathy:
    1) I always wished the white brother would have died instead of Clay. This probably makes me a horrible person.
    2) Mohinder was one of my favorite characters in the beginning when he was a sexy “previously on”-er and the cause for the Heroes to come together. Then something terrible happened.

  25. Riese, I’m just going to put it out there. You are awesome. This is awesome. All these recaps are awesome. Like, more awesome than the actual show. I mean, I know that’s a pretty low benchmark, but even if Glee was coherent and consistent and good and stuff, these recaps would still be better. Please be my girlfriend?

  26. I watch Glee with I Only See The Things I Like goggles. Therefore most of what I see happens in the background. Like Sugar’s reaction to them introducing Tickles the Clown. Or Rachel and Kurt mouthing along to “Buenos Aires.” I also enjoy the one-liners. “You smell like craigslist” is my new favorite insult. Also Finn saying, “I didn’t know Backdraft was a musical” at the strip club made me LOL. Also Trouble Tones. And “We Are Young” (I died at the Pezberry). And Sammy Evans.

    I refuse to pay attention to the plot any more because it just makes me angry during what should be the Adorable People Singing and Dancing Show.

  27. …super sorry for monolopolizing this thread.

    But!

    I’ve come to realize I’m no longer angry at Glee!!!

    Yes I think PLL is cooler in the lezzy arc because Emily gets to at least make out with a handful of love interests and we actually saw the mom/daughter coming out relationship (I would have cared more about the santana/abulita scene had they built up that relationship. I wasn’t invested), but… there’s a reason I was so upset with Glee. For a campy show about kids dancing and doing awesome performances with occasional depictions of risque, the show managed to get me ultra invested in the characters.

    I feel like I know them. No seriously. It’s that real for me. Lol.

    Granted it’s eveident Glee doesn’t pride itself on the writing capabilities of Grey’s Anatomy. (I can not watch Grey’s for weeks and watch one episode and be in TEARS. It’s the only show that cans set up the most obvious plotline – surgey, person dies. And even though you KNEW it was going to happen they interweave characters and engage the audience’s pathos so well that you cry in spite of yourself. The differences between Shondra Rhymes and RIB).

    Glee prides itself on being a show about an amazingly talented group of kids that has at least one character that is intensely relateable to someone. It’s the actors! I realize everything I love about the show came pre-packaged with the cast and evthing else was accidental. unscripted nuance.

    The former intamacy between Santana/Britt – all Naya/Hemo.
    Rachel’s humor in spite of herself – Lea Michele.
    Quinn’s cathartic tone that captivates you even though her character went from ice queen to raging loon – Dianna.
    Mike’s dancing – Harry
    Brit’s easy breezy one liners in the beginning – Heather

    Sue – That’s all Jane Lynch.

    So s/o to the producers for incredible casting. I’ll give Glee its credit. And despite everything I still WANT to like the show. And that’s a lot considering I was so frustrated a week a go.

    So I know everyone’s pissed now, but be honest. You’ll watch next week because you’re invested in at least one of the characters. There aren’t many shows that can do that.

    90210 doesn’t have this type of following.

    And the only reason Gossip Girl does is because people read the books, including myself. So I watch because it’s always cool to see book people materialized into real life.

  28. I’ve created my own lyrics for “Red Solo Cup” because it was begging for this mockery:

    RED MENSTRUAL CUP
    I FILL YOU UP (WITH BLOOD)
    LET’S HAVE A PARTY
    A MENSTRUAL PARY

    Because seriously, a menstrual party would be better than this shitshow known as Glee.

  29. After the emotional damage I incurred watching IKAG, I decided to join the proud chrous of Straddlers who prefer these recaps over anything Ryan Murphy pulls out of his ass. I regret nothing. Thanks for watching for us, Riese!

  30. I’m so disappointed that Glee made me not like Blaine. D: But also I really love Kurt in this episode. The Solo cup thing was so bizarre but made so much better by his utter non-participation. Thank you Kurt. :)

    Also I agree about the shaming thing that Finn and Rachel pulled on Sam. That was just really… ugh. Great job being supportive friends. Now he has no job.

  31. So, I’ll start this off with the disclaimer that I don’t watch Glee consistently at all- my impressions of this episode are based solely on watching this episode. Also, I do consistently read these re-caps, because they are awesome even if (and maybe better if) you don’t watch the show.

    Here goes: Rachel’s declaration that Quinn should not report Shelby for sleeping with Puck was problematic to me. First, she stated as fact that everything between them was ok because Puck is 18- that’s not true. I don’t mean to say that if an investigation were conducted, Shelby would be guilty. I just mean that adults in positions of power can still abuse the individuals they have power over, even if those individuals have passed the age of 18 (especially if the 18 y/o is in high school). Shelby is still a teacher or faculty of some sort, and Puck is still a student. (The whole adoption issue makes it even more problematic and also, like typical Glee…weird and unrealistic) Maybe an investigation would reveal that she was not in a position of power over Puck, or that she didn’t abuse Puck… but it is totally inappropriate to shame someone from reporting the situation. (I also understand that Quinn did not have pure motivations of a reporter) (and the fact that Puck is played by an actor who is a lot older than his character is distracting…)

    We know that sexual abuse is drastically under-reported. We also know that sometimes it looks like a ‘love story’ to the victim/ individuals involved- abusers aren’t typically scary strangers in white vans, grooming strategies used by abusers are designed to engender trust. In the wake of the abuse at Penn State, many problematic victim blaming/shaming and reporter shaming/ blaming responses have propped up. Given that difficulty reporting and experiencing backlash after reporting are huge problems in our culture and huge problems in abuse prevention, I was particularly sensitive to Glee’s handling of this issue. Rachel came up with a lot of reasons that Quinn shouldn’t get Shelby in trouble; mother of Quinn’s birth child, Puck wouldn’t be happy, etc- none of the reasons to not report suggested that nothing illegal/unethical happened. It wasn’t “Shelby’s actions could get her in trouble and have consequences” (as it should be), it was “by telling on Shelby, YOU would be the cause of problems and consequences.” To me, that is too close to the post-Penn State’s “victims of abuse, by reporting their abuse, cost us a football coach” reaction.

    Maybe in context it wasn’t as bad as it seemed to my very out of context viewing (I did not watch the episodes where the “romance” unfolded, and who takes Glee seriously anyways…)— I still just wish they would avoid asking “should I report to authorities that a teacher in my school is having a sexual relationship with a student?” if they couldn’t have a productive and responsible dialog about it.

    • Actually, in Ohio, it’s illegal for teachers to sleep with students regardless of the age of student, from what I read posted elsewhere. So it wouldn’t matter that Puck was 18. Shelby would still be fired and probably charged with some sort of criminal conduct.

  32. I can never really put into words how much better I truly believe Glee would be if it was mainly about awesome sassy lesbians who sing about how amazing it is to be a lesbian in-between making out, fighting for justice, riding unicorns, and reading each other books.

    Basically I want Glee to be a live action version of “hey girl/woman…”. Is that too much to ask?

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