It’s coming. The nebulous nondenominational gift exchange, aka. “Secret Santa,” season. I can’t help you with the exact rules involved in any of these semi-secret group gift exchange schemes (both because I can never remember the rules and because there’s a lot of regional variation), but what I can tell you is this: no matter what anyone else tells you, it is a competition. And the only thing standing between you and that sweet, thrilling thrum of victory is finding the perfect ridiculous gift.
Friend, I’m here for you in this time of need.
I Want A Hippopotamus For ChristmasThere are only two good reasons I can think of to buy that hippo mask: one, you have an impending murder scheduled, or two, you’ve got a weird work gift swap thing coming up. ‘Tis the season! Go big or go home, you know?
Christmas on ChristmasChristmas themed holiday presents are the worst to receive, which makes them the perfect thing to give in semi-anonymous gifting situations. At best, the recipient will get 3-4 weeks of use out of the item before having to put it into storage for the next year. I.e. they’re going to be working through that three pack of annoying musical hand soap for the next five Christmases, probably. Alternatively, you can assert your gift giving dominance more overtly by presenting them with a bag of disembodied Santa heads. Why not, you know?
All I Want For Christmas Is YouGod bless Etsy. There is some truly terrible art out there, and an inexplicable amount seems to involve Mariah Carey (true queen of Christmas, long may she reign). You can’t go wrong with anything featuring the songbird supreme, really, but may I suggest the original portrait pictured above? It would bring me so much joy to know someone was getting in on that.
All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front TeethIs there anything more simultaneously terrifying and hilarious than teeth? No. No there is not.
I guarantee everyone will laugh nervously but secretly respect and admire you if you gift someone that raccoon tooth on a leather chain.