That Bitch is Wearing Amazing Hot Pink Pants
Hi kids! It’s me, Riese, CEO of Ideas here at Autostraddle “We Make Lesbians Cool” Dot Com. Last night I drunkenly uploaded superstar photoblogger Robin’s first-rate photos from the NewNowNext Awards and drunkenly wrote captions for said photos, thinking half-consciously that I’d fix the captions in the morning. But then I decided it would take less time to not change a thing. Except for the caption that said “who the hell is this guy.” I fixed that one. I know who he is now.
I’m (sober now) gonna tell you a little bit about this illustrious ceremony and the people who attended it. Next week you’ll get to see an incredible video chock-full of interviews with many famous people, starring Riese & Alex, professional interviewers extraordinaire. (Preview video: here. Orrrrrr Alexi’s video on AfterEllen: Riese interview at the end). We like to roll things out slowly and kindly, like your first fisting [should be, if she really loves you].
Let’s begin! Logo’s Second Annual NewNowNext Awards, which includes honors such as “The OMFG Internet Award” and the “Because You’re Hot Award” (it’s like a gay yearbook!) were filmed May 20th (here’s who won) and the ceremony will air on Logo on June 13th. I’m gonna tell you all about these homos so you don’t have to do any fingerwork on your own. Save your fingers for finger-blasting.
2009 Logo NewNowNext Awards: Words & Pictures
1. This is Wendy Williams: she won “Most Guiltiest Pleasure” for her radio show, The Wendy Williams Experience. Losers include Burn Notice, RuPaul’s Drag Race, The Real Housewives … and The Room. I haven’t seen any of those things, because I’m innocent and there is no pleasure in my life. For some reason Intervention was not nominated.
Hug it out Wendy Williams hug it out yeah you do it
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2. These are the Paradiso Girls, a quintet constructed by Robin Antin, who also invented the Pussycat Dolls. Their first single is a triumphant experiment in product placement called “Patron Tequila,” featuring Lil Jon.
The Paradiso Girls Will Have Alex Throwing Up Before the Night is Done
They were all super sweet to us so I was going to play along in the write-up (these five ladies from all around the world came together organically to share a love of music, fashion, ginger and babies!) but then I read the lyrics of Patron Tequila and my head exploded that there are women willing to stand on a stage and sing those words to an audience of other human beings. That being said, a job is a job these days, so props to them for employment.
The Paradiso Girls Not Afraid to Show Midriff, Riese Not Afraid to Show MuppetFace
Here’s the lyrics: “Hey girl / I got bud we can all get fucked up tonight (get fucked up tonight) / By the end of the night / Imma have you drunk and throwing up (hey! ) / By the end of the night / They said what you drinkin’? (what you drinkin’?) / Let me buy you a couple of rounds …” and so on. In our interview they said the song was about going out and having fun with your friends. LIARS!
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3. Anyone wanna take me to see Avenue Q? It looks cute!
Avenue Q Says "Muppets Are Better Than People!" and we agree
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4. Cheyenne Jackson is a beautiful human being. In addition to being a stage-star in shows including Damn Yankees, Xanadu, Altar Boyz, Aida, Thoroughly Modern Millie and in shows/movies including Ugly Betty and United 93, he’s a serious gay activist.
Cheyenne Jackson: Grand Master of All Gay Events in New York City
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5. Christian Siriano was on Project Rungay, and much to the chagrin of transgender activists everywhere, cultivated the term “hot tranny mess.” Now he has his own collection, which I’ll never be able to afford.
Christian Siriano is a Tiny Man, Big Personality
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6. Gimme Sugar was a groundbreaking television program that signaled a new era for lesbians by boldly declaring that we too deserved a semi-staged docu-drama about hot people making out, fighting, getting dressed, getting undressed, drinking, making out, and fighting! This girl Davonee has “gone platinum with her player status,” according to the website. She also kinda looks like my ex, except with the opposite personality, which is weird.
Gimme Gimme Gimme Gimme Sugar
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7. Everyone knows who Eve is, right? Right.
Eve was the most famous person at the NewNowNext Awards
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8. Hiiiiii! Lisa! That is a lovely flower in your hair!
Queen of Mean Lisa Lampinelli Looking Very Nice flower
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9. Hellooooo nurse. I would like to stick my finger in your elongated ear.
Livvi Franc is Going to be the Next Rihanna Says the Internet
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10. Jessica Clark & Lacey Stone are hot. How hot? Well, Jessica Clark snagged the BECAUSE YOU’RE HOT AWARD. You’ll hear more from them in our video!
Happy Couple With Beautiful Arms
11. This woman Mary McCormack has been in 500 things, but I know her from West Wing, and from those posters for her new show, which are everywhere. She looks super-hot/dykey in those photos, but in real life she is het to the bone.
In Plain Sight = Mary McCormack, not as easily to see plainly = this shirt
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12. RuPaul’s Drag Race = one of the best things to ever happen on Logo and in Alex’s pants. Ongina, pictured below, did not win RuPaul’s Drag Race, but she did win Most Addictive Reality Star at the newnownext awards!
Ongina not to be confused with your vagina
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13. I love her dress, her breasts, all of it. Hey Paulina replaced Twiggy on America’s Next Top Model but then Tyra called her on her birthday and said Hey Paulina had too much ego, and between Tyra’s ego and Miss Jay’s hair and all the crying ladies, there was just no room for it and she got the boot. Luckily there is plenty of room in the universe for her to still be a supermodel of life and Sports Illustrated swimsuit editions.
Tyra did not think Paulina Porizkova could model through it
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14. Who’s this guy, you may ask? Well, his name is Paulo and he’s on The Big Gay Sketch Show. Thanks for asking!
Big Gay Sketch Show Dude Paulo!
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15. Did you see that movie Party Monster? I feel like Richie Rich was one of the characters in that movie. Now he’s one-half of Heatherette, they design clothing for cool people.
Richie Rich keeps it real, what happened to Tunnel P.S.
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16. This is our new BFF Erin Foley, who is on the BRINK OF FAME as a Comic for all her good hard work on the standup stage and also on the television screen. You’ll see the video.
Erin Foley: on the BRINK OF FAME and fame is a sea of vagina you'll see in the video
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17. Selene Luna is best known by the gays for co-starring in The Cho Show. She was also nominated for the Brink of Fame: Comic award. According to her website she is “part burlesque star and part rock and roll queen.” Aren’t we all.
Selene is like whatever I'm a little person I'm funnier than all y'all
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18. I love Sia, I bought her album and I like to listen to Breathe Me and think about the last scene in Six Feet Under and cry. Her website will win a design award this year for sure (“That’s amazing, it looks like Stef drew it.” – Alex), tied with The Awl.
some people have real problems says sia, i say breathe me, just breatttheee meee
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19. I still don’t know who this guy is, but I would know those girls anywhere.
Star Wars Attacks Gay on Red Carpet
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20. Vanessa Williams is more famous than Eve, I don’t know what I was talking about when I wrote that about Eve up there earlier, I must’ve been drunk. Whoo!
Vanessa Williams is Hot 4Evs and Evs
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21. Kate McKinnon is super-funny on The Big Gay Sketch Show and in the Celesbian Interviews with Julie Goldman. She’s also really cute and she won! For BRINK OF FAME: Comic. So probs by the time I edit the video, she’ll be famous. You’ll see more in the video.
Kate McKinnon wants to show me her knees in her hotel room later
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23. Who are these crazy bitches? Those pants are HAWT!
GO magazine's most captivating couple of 1994
Well kids, that’s all! Isn’t Robin the bestest? Yeah she is. Our video from the Red Carpet will be up next week. In the meantime, don’t forget to brush your teeth!
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We like to roll things out slowly and kindly, like your first fisting [should be, if she really loves you].
I love drunk Riese or sober Riese or whichever Riese wrote that.
Hey Guys!!! I want to see the video- I can’t wait. So yea, that dude with the girl crew in helmuts (very Lady Gaga-esk, don’t you think?) Well, his name is Storm Lee. http://www.myspace.com/stormlee
Rant: I’d like to say that taking pictures on the red carpet is my least favorite thing. Why you ask? Because they give you a spot buried in this sea of sweaty photographers who spend the entire time YELLING at whoever happens to be standing in front of them. Everyone is also fighting over space. “ARE YOU NUMBER 11? THIS SAYS I’M NUMBER 11. YOU’RE IN MY SPOT! GET OUT OF MY SPOT!” I’m always afraid for my life when I shoot red carpets, which is like never, cause I hate it. ;)
Thank you for being brave for our benefit. You’re a rock star.
I have really never understood the yelling, at all
the red carpet photographers are the WORST. i always feel bad when we do red carpet events cause I get to go on the quiet end w/ the camera crews but robin gets stuck in a pit of despair with the loudest, most obnoxious jackasses i have ever seen.
Robin, you did a good job! Riese, you’re funny. This whole thing makes me excited to see the video.
Great photos, Great captions.
And I want Erin Foley to be my BFF and / or GFF. seriously. swooooon.
But but but.. where is Nicol Paone and Jeffery &Cole?
I think Riese put those in our NNN preview preview?
I have never seen these photographs you mention! Bwah!
Really? thats unfortunate.
ps – There is a K. McKinnon in my new apartment building. so I have obviously concluded it is Kate McKinnon and will continue to think so until I find out otherwise. The End
i love Lisa Lampinelli!!! i bet she was funny. also…. yay photographs!!! and funny words!!
I looked at this right before i feel asleep last night & that davonee chick was in my dream. I do not thank you for that. BUTTT…pretty pretty pictures!
i dreamt i was hanging out with a female adam lambert and everyone was being a bitch to her and i was like “she WON! this is the girl that WON American Idol” so like, I dunno. What’s worse.
Where are pictures of NICOL PAONE? Hello. She is genius and is funnier than Erin Foley, Julie Goldman and Kate McKinnon combined.