This is my wildest attempt to make those degrees pay for themselves, but here we go.
Kink aficionados are familiar with consensually imposed order and direction in our relationships. Collars, cuffs, and other restraints are heavily associated with BDSM for a reason. They’re visible symbols of kink. However, all the kinksters I’ve met consider the mental aspect of BDSM far more important than the physical. It’s mostly attitude, intention, and consensus that makes kink flow.
One of my favorite sexual experiences had me instructing my submissive partner to hold her hands above her head with wrists overlapped. As though her wrists were bound. And to not deviate while I worked on the rest of her. No physical restraint necessary. It was smoking hot because she complied fully and was functionally restrained by imagination.
Clicker training is like that. It keys into the mental side of kink using benign tools. I’ll explain.
Good girl! [click click]
Clicker training is a positive reinforcement training approach based on operant conditioning. Operant conditioning posits that consequences can be applied to behaviors to strengthen desirable ones and remove undesirable ones. These consequences can be reinforcement (encouragement) or punishment (discouragement). They’re further broken down into positive and negative as seen from the trainee’s perspective.
I won’t make fellow psych graduates in the readership relive their undergrad horrors by elaborating on B.F. Skinner and the positive/negative punishment/reinforcement matrix. What matters is that clicker training is a robust method with a groundwork in accepted theory. Its popularity in animal training is driven by the positive reinforcement orientation. It relies on encouragement, affirmation, and enjoyment. It can be accomplished without punishment or deprivation.
The main vehicle for this method is the clicker, a small noisemaker that clicks when a button is pressed. During training, ‘good’ behavior is rewarded with the trainer’s affirmation and a few clicks. Think pets, treats, and a positive tone of voice alongside the clicking. This connects the trainee’s good feeling of receiving affirmation to the sound of a clicker held by a trainer. This process is called bridging. ‘Bad’ or undesirable behavior can simply be ignored or gently discouraged. Over time, trainees tend to seek out affirmation and gravitate toward good behavior, thus reinforcing it.
In animal training, clickers can be paired with hand signals or click patterns to indicate particular commands. Advanced activities can be blended together to ‘shape’ precise behaviors or guide an animal to a goal. Clicker training is most popular with housepets like cats and dogs, but its use extends to chickens, goats, and… submissives.
The human element
Clicker training goes great with kink. Most of us have greater intellect and empathy than farm animals. We’re pliable enough to accept training, smart enough to enjoy it, and resilient enough to overcome it. Petplay might be the obvious fit here, but it can slot into any power dynamic. So let’s talk pragmatics.
Informed consent is critical when applying any form of conditioning to a partner. Conditioning a partner sexually without informed consent is abusive. Doing it outside of sex is manipulative at the best of times. This applies to any person in the dynamic.
- Discuss the method and training goals with all partners involved.
- Give people the time they need to research and consider the decision.
- Discuss the possibility of de-conditioning trained behavior if training is suspended or the dynamic ends.
- Apply consent checks and aftercare as normal.
After establishing informed consent, the trainer will need tools. Animal training clickers are available cheaply in pet stores and online. Get one. You’ll also need sources of positive reinforcement. Treats or bits of snacks are traditional, but be aware that involving food in sex invites physical and emotional complications. You can instead use enjoyable touch as reinforcement. Some people respond to pats or kisses. Masochistic partners might enjoy pain as a source of enjoyment. “Good girl!” followed by a backhanded, degrading compliment would melt me.
Verbal affirmation always works and can be applied liberally. The tools you choose should fit your needs and relationship dynamic.
The actual training is straightforward. If the trainee in your dynamic behaves with their regular intellect, the rules for training look like this:
- Begin your dynamic activities as normal, but have your clicker and positive reinforcement available.
- Whenever they express desirable behavior, immediately click and provide positive reinforcement.
This builds and strengthens the relationship between good behavior, good feelings, and the click. - When they drift toward undesirable behavior, simply don’t click or offer positive reinforcement.
- Once they’re comfortable, you can increase training complexity:
- Guide them with a trail of clicks and reinforcement toward desirable behavior (sex toys, body parts, positions, etc.).
- Use click patterns, hand signals, and verbal commands to teach specific behaviors or ‘tricks’.
- Add distractions to make it harder (and more fun) for your partner to pay attention. Media, pleasure, and pain come to my mind.
Things to remember
- We’re far more complex than other animals. Although we can be conditioned, it’s only enjoyable when we are into it. Informed consent is paramount. Clicker training is like hypnosis: It shouldn’t be used on a resistant partner and will probably fail.
- Standard clicker training relies on positivity and enjoyment. You should only implement pain or ‘punishment’ if your dynamic benefits from it.
- Conditioning can always be broken and is easier for us to break because we’re reflective, intelligent beings.
- You can modify the clicker training routine to fit your dynamic and needs. I’ve given pointers below.
Making and breaking it
My approach to kink has always been to make it mine. Kink should be customizable to fit our individual needs and this is no different. I’m going to use this section to discuss ways to customize clicker training for your dynamic and how to end it when the time comes.
- Replace the clicker with another audio cue. Bells, muted whistles, verbal clicks, verbal statements, or recorded audio can all work. If it’s short and usable with one hand, it’s doable.
- Use it to enhance other play. Guide a blindfolded partner with clicks or pair with impact play to add a new dimension to old kinks.
- Adjust the training approach to your dynamic. Petplay can match it to real animal training methods. A brat/tamer dynamic can benefit from feisty disobedience. Humiliation and degradation-oriented relationships (my preferred kind) might like the tinge of embarrassment and dehumanization it brings.
- Flip the script and have a submissive partner who tops from the bottom doing the training. This also works for people who dominate from the bottom.
I wouldn’t be respecting the complexities of human clicker training if I didn’t discuss breaking the conditioning. In its original theory, the loss of trained behaviors is called extinction. Extinction can happen passively, but you can also wield it to fulfil self-improvement goals. A few things come to my mind when I think about breaking this kind of conditioning.
- Break the core connection between the clicker and positive reinforcement. Click the clicker outside of sexual contexts with no meaning. Remove all positive reinforcement when clicking so it becomes a detached sound.
- Give the clicker to the trainee to remove its power from the trainer.
- Formally end the training dynamic in a discussion and draw a boundary.
- Symbolically dispose of the clicker and stop using the training in play.
- If the dynamic ends, the clicker can take on a negative symbolism and everyone involved might just want to leave it behind. That’ll mess up the training.
Oh, good girl! [click click]
My favorite kind of writing is really fun and leaves me wondering how I convinced someone to pay me for it. This is that kind of writing. The idea originated from a meme about trans girls and their petplay kinks. It got out of hand, but I think the underlying idea is sound. I think that BDSM should be explorative and fun, so why not bring this dimension into it? If everyone’s consenting and into it, I don’t see an issue. As always, I’m just covering the basics to an interesting corner of kink, and it’s up to you to decide if this is your thing. I already know I’m into it.
