Can My Marriage Survive My Transition?

I started dating my future wife in undergrad. We married eight years later. She is a cis straight woman, but a few months before our wedding, I realized that I was a trans lesbian woman, not a cis straight man. I buried those feelings deep down. I convinced myself that preserving everything in my life, especially my relationship with her, was worth ignoring those feelings.

Six years into our marriage, I came out to her. I talked myself into believing that I could keep her and be my true self. My wife was shocked and confused. She was scared my transition would drive us apart. We went into couples counseling and I delayed my transition for 1.5 years. I kept telling myself, as long as I have her and her love, everything will be OK.

Today, we have been together for 16 years and have two children. I starting transitioning 1.5 years ago and am now fully my true self everywhere I go. As I’ve fully embraced my queerness, I’ve experienced the magical feeling of effortless acceptance in queer spaces or with queer people. And I’ve started wishing that my wife gave me that same feeling of effortless acceptance. It’s been 3 years since I came out to her, but she still seems to view anything related to my transition with fear instead of celebration. She still doesn’t understand some basic things related to transition. It hurts me that she still doesn’t celebrate my transition as a life-saving part of me–and I feel guilty because she is straight and I am asking her to shoulder so much emotional turmoil. I love her so much.

We are trying to work things out, and we are going back into couples counseling. But I am starting to wonder if I’ve changed too much and I can’t be happy in a relationship with a straight person, no matter how hard we both try. Is there any way to save our relationship? Is an amicable separation the best we can hope for?

Summer: I commend the shared effort and determination both of you’ve had over these years to make things work. I just don’t think it’s possible to ‘make things work’ if there’s an incompatibility like ‘she’s into men’ and ‘you’re not a man’. If those statements stay true, then staying together means that one of you is living a lie. Three years since coming out to her should have been long enough for her to come around to your being. If it hasn’t happened and she’s an avowed heterosexual, I don’t see how counseling could work. I mean, the counselor’s not gonna turn her bi, right?

I don’t see a way to save the relationship. Gender transition is a fundamental change to someone’s being and sense of self. It’s bound to be incompatible with some people and some parts of society. By misfortune and bad timing, your incompatibility seems to be with your wife. So yeah, I think an amicable separation with a functional future for the children is probably the best you can hope for.

Valerie: I don’t think it’s that you’ve changed too much to be in a relationship with a straight person. I think it’s that you’ve finally become your true self and you’re not getting the support you need from the relationship and it has perhaps reached its natural conclusion. Unfortunately, love is not enough to make a relationship work. If she can’t support your transition, then the relationship is not salvageable. Even if she was bi, if she wasn’t excited that you’re living your truth and see your transition, as you described it, as life-saving, then she’s not the right fit for you. At least, not anymore. People grow and change and evolve out of relationships even without literal transitions; it will be a hard change, but you can both celebrate the life you had and the love you shared while also acknowledging you’re no longer the right fit for each other.

Riese: I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, it’s so tough, especially with two kids and such a long marriage. But it feels like your relationship needs to change with who you’ve both become —and both of you would be better off as co-parents and best friends than you would be as romantic and sexual partners. It doesn’t have to be a dramatic split or happen all at once, whatever doesn’t feel too overwhelming, but that also honors who both of you are and what you need from a relationship. It also can be really rough on the self-esteem to be with someone who isn’t attracted to the gender that you are, and that can leave scars that are hard to overcome. It’s likely the longer this goes on there will just be more resentment, ending it sooner means you still have a strong core between the two of you to carry over into your next phase of life. Listen when I realized I was like REALLY bisexual and not just kinda-bisexual, I only managed to make it a few more months with my boyfriend who didn’t like to hear or think about that part of who I was. And that was a boyfriend of less than a year and it was me being bi, like extremely significantly lower stakes! I think you’ve put in the time trying to make the relationship work, it’s time to shift over to making the breakup work.

Hi, I’m 48, she/they enby, and I’m not entirely sure if I’m on the aromantic spectrum or simply one of those only children who thrive living alone. I was in a longterm marriage that ended over COVID, I’ve had one longterm GF since but recently broke up and am enjoying having my time to myself again. I’ve got a thriving social circle and really like being able to devote time to my friends; the way I see it, if I ever do meet someone again that I’d like to explore a relationship with, then great, but it’s icing on top of an already-great life.

I’m asking for advice because I’d like to have a little more casual sex in my life, particularly queer play parties, and I’m not sure where to find them! I found one amazing trans-inclusive queer women’s sex party locally, but they tend to only have this event once a year (and this year I’ll be out of commission during it!). I only found that one through attending a random burlesque event and following the performers on Instagram. Is FetLife a potential space for this? (I was briefly in the poly/ENM scene and FetLife was mentioned a lot, but the heavy hetero-feel of that scene was not appealing to me.) I’m pretty vanilla, but I like how sex parties are direct and feel easy and relaxed, compared to using something like Tindr or Feeld for hook-ups, which honestly feels as stressful as actual dating–no thanks! Maybe reaching out to the organizers of the party could also work?

Nico: It’s awesome that you know what you’re looking for, and honestly, it sounds pretty reasonable. Consensual, casual queer sex! To answer your question about FetLife, as far as I know, a lot of queer play parties are organized on FetLife and they vet people via their FetLife profiles. Of course, there are going to be a bunch of hetero people on there in general, but I am sure you can set your privacy settings in such a way that you can curate the people who can actually access your profile. I found some more about FetLife privacy settings on the BDSM reddit. You mentioned you have a great social circle. Are any of your friends people you could ask for advice or tips on events and meetups in your area? In the meetup vein, you can also try Googling around (try poly + meetup + YourCity) and looking for non-monogamous meetups. Even if you don’t meet anyone to hook up with, there are more likely to be people there who know of the kinds of events you’re looking for. If you live in a big enough city, there might even be non-monogamous/poly meetups at a gay/queer bar or two that might feel less hetero-swinger-y where you can meet people also looking for casual hook-up’s or  You can also try searching Reddit for events and groups near you in addition to looking on Google. Finally, if there are any queer publications or if your area has a more active Lex board, you could try posting a personal ad and seeing if you get any replies. Good luck out there and I hope you get to connect with others who are looking for the same things you are.