Q:
Hey, I’ve been with my partner for over 10 years (both 26y). In the past two, things have become increasingly strained to the point where anytime we spend together we always have conflicts. It has been an extremely difficult year for us both personally and as a couple.
We communicate about the issues in the relationship but now they want and need active change. Some of these requests I think are fair and would generally result in a stronger more mature relationship (such as stronger displays of commitment and support of each other). I have acknowledged my shortcomings and have promised to do better. However, as we fight so often, the list of problems becomes longer and longer. I feel emotionally drained and struggle to pull myself up to be better, which continues the cycle. I withdraw at times and feel a need for distance to feel less exhausted.
The onus to change and to be a better person for them is often on me. However, when I try to think of ways that I would like them to be better I draw a blank. This is not because there isn’t anything, but because I’ve pushed down my boundaries and often conflicts arise because of my actions towards them. With them, I am reluctant to initiate conflict and in some ways don’t even know how to, which is something I need to work on.
They are also planning to move internationally for university with the plan being to eventually live together. Part of me is scared to commit because things have been so difficult between us. They say they no longer trust me as things don’t change, so I’m not sure what to do.
A:
It’s understandable that you feel exhausted and hesitant to commit in a relationship characterized by constant fighting. You’ve been with this person for so long that they feel like an irreplaceable part of your life. Ten years is longer than a lot of marriages.
I can’t help but note that your ten-year relationship with this person started when you were sixteen. Long-term relationship stability relies on all partners being able to grow and change with each other—something that tests even the longest relationships. Your teen and young adult years will be dominated by life and personality changes. Your worldviews and sense of self will change too. This poses a challenge to young couples, as you or your partner might find completely new priorities in the span of a year or two.
You’re at a turning point in your relationship, and also in your life. This will be a time for tough questions and hard decisions, regardless of what happens with your relationship.
Should you move in together?
To be very blunt, no. A strong relationship is built on (among other things): trust, mutual support, and acting against adversity together. I’m not seeing that in your relationship. Instead, here is what I see:
- There’s constant fighting.
- You don’t feel able to enact the changes your partner wants.
- People’s needs aren’t being well-communicated.
- Your partner is losing trust in you.
Altogether, these create a very difficult situation and signal a relationship that is dysfunctional. Moving internationally to be together would place in the top three Worst Decisions You Could Make right now. One step worse than A Child and one step above Let’s Open The Relationship. Relocating (especially internationally) is one of the most stressful things people can go through. The shared ‘vibe’ in the relationship will make that move a LOT worse or a LOT easier. I don’t think your relationship has enough trust and cooperation to support a move. If you two can’t maintain a secure relationship now, that won’t change if you’re living elsewhere.
Sure, relocating might save the relationship. It happens to people (sometimes). But the more likely alternative is that you’re stuck in a different country with no support network, and having burned out from the move. Is that risk okay with you?
I understand that this past year has been very difficult for both of you. Life’s main goal seems like wringing us like washcloths. Relationships need to confront difficulty as a team because there will always be tough times.
I also see guilt and shame at being unable to meet your partner’s wishes to better yourself. You might feel like ‘the bad one’ and can’t walk away or ask for space because ‘you’re the reason it’s not working.’ I don’t know enough about your relationship to know if there is a specific antagonist, but even if you are being antagonistic, you still have a right to say it isn’t working and leave.
Next steps for difficult times
My question to you would be: what do you want to do? You wrote in for advice, but I’ve mostly learned about your partner’s needs and interests. You, “feel a need for distance to feel less exhausted”. What does that distance look like to you? Is it a ‘break’ for the relationship? A breakup? Or just a few afternoons of quietude? Burnout will impact your ability to follow through on promises to your partner, and to voice your needs in the relationship. Whether or not you have work to do, you are still part of a two-person union and you deserve to be head.
If you want to make the relationship work, I recommend taking a bit of space. Removing yourself from the constant fighting and guilt might give you the break you need to recover from your burnout and start seriously considering the big questions:
- Do I want to stay in this relationship?
- Do I want to make the changes my partner wants? Realistically, can I? If so, how?
- What do I want from my life going forward?
Couples therapy or individual therapy can greatly aid this process if it’s an option for you.
Next, breaking up is an option. I don’t say this lightly. Your lives are so enmeshed that this relationship is probably part of your identities and routines. Don’t fall for the sunk-cost fallacy that you have to stick to the relationship because you’ve already put ten years into it. If you’re sure things won’t get better, it’s never too late to leave.
The bottom line is that this relationship has become a source of stress rather than support. It’s on a bad trajectory unless both people make major changes. Moving in together without seriously strong signs of improvement will probably end in regret.
Please reach out to your support network. Talk to friends or family that you trust. Even if you don’t tell them what’s happening in your relationship, having contact with them will remind you that you exist outside of this relationship. It’ll give you the strength to keep reflecting and handling the hard questions. Regardless of what happens next, your life is not over. You will be okay.
Comments
I think Summer’s suggestions and frame are great. I also want to say… there are some parts of your letter that seem like red flags. Why is the attention on your behavior and not your partner’s? Relationships are based on reciprocity and care. It’s hard to know based on the limited information you provide whether this is an abusive relationship, but some of what you write raise alarm bells for me. Even more reason to end the relationship, get out, and learn more about yourself—your needs, desires, and abilities—as an autonomous person out in the world. I valued my time being single in my 20s and early 30s as really foundational to becoming who I am now. Wishing you luck.
Yeah, just want to echo synth here – LW, this sounds at the very least like a classic negative cycle of anxious and avoidant attachment; your partner asks you to make a change, you own your part and start doing the work, and then the goalposts get moved (“I have acknowledged my shortcomings and have promised to do better. However, as we fight so often, the list of problems becomes longer and longer.”) Protest, blame, and constantly raising the bar are the unconscious tactics of the anxious partner.
“The onus to change and be a better person for them is often on me,” you say, and Summer’s response includes this very important, key piece: “Whether or not you have work to do, you are still part of a two-person union.”
Is your partner seeing your efforts? Or are they lobbing more at you every time something happens? Are they recognizing their part in your dynamic? It can be tricky to see the anxious partner’s role, because they’re the one who brings up the issues and wants/needs change. But if it feels like you are taking responsibility at every turn, and your partner has no accountability for how the two of you got to where you are, this relationship is ultimately not sustainable.