Q:

We have been together for a long time, around four years. We are living together now. My partner has a lot of trauma, anger issues due to excessive bullying, and mental health issues. They also don’t believe in therapy that much since they’ve not had a good experience or can’t afford it that much at the moment. The same goes for me. 

They say that I may have undiagnosed Audhd, which could be true. Maybe due to that, I tend to unknowingly say/do things that piss them off which leads to them screaming at me in public, having meltdowns, suicide ideations… when they’re not pissed off at me/someone else/ at the world, they’re actually a very kind, giving and loving human being. They love animals. I do care and love them. I don’t like confrontations but we always seem to end up fighting for something or the other.

Our sexual preferences are also different. They are very experienced sexually and I am not therefore I like mostly vanilla and they like bdsm and rough sex. My friend says we’re good people but not compatible. 

They also have a lot of resentment for me since I have trauma regarding marriage and don’t have supportive family, hence I am afraid of thinking about it even though I had told them initially when we started dating that in the future I would maybe think about it. So they feel that they have been led on. But I also feel very taken for granted since I do most of the housework for both of us. I do most of their official work as well since they say it gives them a lot of anxiety. Would love some advice.

A:

It sucks you both can’t be in therapy right now. If you’ve read any of my other stuff, you might know I’m a therapist, so I’m always out here suggesting therapy (especially couples therapy!). However, it can be so expensive and inaccessible. Additionally, it sounds like even if you did have access, your partner might not fully buy into the treatment/healing process, which poses an issue before even beginning. It sounds like there are a lot of complicated, long-standing dynamics present, so I’ll try my best to give a breakdown of my two cents as an Autostraddle writer (and not as a therapist because, for legal purposes, I am not your therapist).

Firstly, I don’t love that they’re saying you have a very real and serious combination of mental health/cognitive disorders as an attack and assumption. However, since you’re saying they also have past trauma and anger issues, I wouldn’t be surprised if at some of both of your lower moments, you’ve weaponized this against each other. It can feel easy to say “okay well you just have Autism” or “I have anger issues I can’t help it.” This is not helpful. What are they/you actually communicating in sharing this? Probably something along the lines of “I get frustrated when you don’t understand me” or “I get mad that I get so angry and then I feel ashamed.” It’s about taking responsibility for your emotions, experiences, and actions. Labels can be helpful, but for the sake of an honest relationship check in, I would urge you to have the conversation under what you’re actually saying. They need to be willing to engage in honest, deeper conversations about their meltdowns outside of the actual time they’re melting down. One way you could try to do this is to come from a place of loving them. This one tool from The Gottman Method comes to mind. You love them, you love the relationship. You want to make it work. That’s not confrontation, that’s making sure both your needs are met.

The sexual compatibility is a whole separate issue. It makes me wonder what your sexual relationship has been like over the past four years. Have you had any compromises? Gone outside your/their comfort zone? How has it worked for this long if this issue is just now coming up? And if you’ve had these feelings for four years, it’s time to have a different conversation about sex. What has felt good for both of you in the past? What limits are you/they willing to test or not test? How important is sex to you? Is it a deal breaker? You including your friends’ comment suggest to me that maybe the sex piece of this is just another thing added to list of reasons to stay or not stay in the relationship.

Resentment is a relationship killer. But it’s also unfair of them to be mad at you for past traumatic experiences you had no control over. It seems like you were as honest as you could be about your feelings towards marriage, and four years in, you’re realizing maybe those feelings won’t change. Everyone moves at their own pace.

You’re saying they’re mad at you for not wanting marriage and, as a defense, you’re mad at them for not doing their side of the work. Its kinda like you’re saying “even if I was okay with getting married, there are so many things we need to hash out that I’m not even in the place to seriously consider it.” Starting from such an imbalanced distribution of labor, especially where you are doing even their literal official work, would be extremely rocky foundation for a marriage but also just for continuing a relationship in general. You should probably start really, and I mean really, communicating with them.

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Where is the disconnect? Are they really happy? Are you really happy? Most importantly, what do you both need in this relationship to make it work, and can the other person actually give it? These can be hard questions with complicated answers. But there’s a lot going on here that is not okay or sustainable in partnership.