‘Well I’m Having Sex With an Ex. How Do I Make Sure I Don’t Catch Feelings?’

Q:

I’ve started sleeping with a woman who I used to date. We got together when we were young, and she was the first person I really loved. Eventually, I got my little baby heart broken. A couple years after that, we reconnected as friends with very occasional benefits, and have had a genuinely wonderful, straightforward relationship since then. Well, now we’re both single and living in the same area for the first time in almost a decade, and we’ve started hanging out and sleeping together more regularly.

Everything is great, but I want to avoid developing strong romantic feelings for her again. I don’t actually want anything more than what we already have, but the only times in the past I have been able to casually date without developing big feelings is when I’m seeing many people at once, or I don’t like the person all that much. Well, I like her quite a bit, and I’m not all that eager to invest the time in seeing other people right now. Any advice on how to set some internal boundaries around this relationship? I do not want to feel jealous that she is seeing other people, or that she leads a much busier life than I do. I do not want to get obsessive about her, but I sometimes struggle with that because I rely upon sexual partners to fulfill the majority of my physical touch needs, and that dopamine is a real big hit of a drug!

A:

Congrats on finding a Sex With an Ex situation that actually sounds pretty low-drama! Now, how can we keep it that way?

There are definitely some hard boundaries you can put into place, things like being very intentional and clear about when and how you spend your time together ie sex ONLY with no before-hangs or after-hangs. I’m not saying you need to bolt out the door the second you’re done banging, but maybe no to doing dinner after or popping on a movie. I know you noted you’ve been hanging out and sleeping together, but maybe it would work better to choose one or the other. If you’re worried about becoming obsessive because of relying on sexual partners to fulfill physical touch needs, then consider doing just the hangs and no sex. I don’t think it’s impossible to have a casual situation that involves both sex and hanging out, but if you’re already stressed about what the situation could lead to, maybe it’s not the right equation at the moment. Or, maybe the hangs should be group hangs rather than one-on-one experiences.

You can set some boundaries around conversation topics, too. Maybe you can’t really go too deep with each other, keeping conversations somewhat surface-level. Hard to fall in love with someone if you aren’t really connecting emotionally!

Whatever configuration you maintain with her, if it feels good then remind yourself it feels good. I recommend journaling a bit too often in these advice responses, but if it’s internal boundaries you’re after, journaling is the best way to keep a log of your feelings and also work through questions you have.

But I’m going to be real with you: There are probably only so many things you can do to try to curb the potential for developing bigger romantic feelings. I’m not saying you’re inevitably going to fall for your ex. I’m just saying that if your brain decides to fall in love with your ex, that’s what’s going to happen! Love, desire, attraction, romantic interest — we have agency in these things…but we also can’t control them perfectly. Since she was the first woman you ever loved, your brain remembers that and could easily shift back into that gear. But it’s important to remember that you’re different people now, in much different places of life, so rekindling something wouldn’t feel exactly the same as it once did.

Honor the past by not trying to relive it. It sounds like you’ve built something new with this person, so nurture that and try not to obsess over an imagined future where your feelings change.

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You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

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