Q:
I recently had a good date turn bad and am looking for advice! My husband and I split up after I realized that I am not bisexual but rather a lesbian. I’d had sexual experiences with women before my marriage, but I’ve never had an actual official girlfriend before. Since the divorce, I’ve had lots of hookups, but I’m trying now to date with more intention and seriousness. This date was going really well, but when I disclosed that I’d never had a girlfriend before to this date, the vibe shifted immediately. She said she doesn’t want to be anybody’s first-ever girlfriend because she’s looking for something serious/longterm and doesn’t want to waste her time because “nobody ever settles down with their first girlfriend”?? But I am ALSO looking to settle down! My dating profile even says so!! I liked being married, I just didn’t like being married to a man. I’m in my 40s with two young kids for crying out loud! I want another life partner! Any hints on how to screen dates to not end up crying into my margarita again? Or is she right and I am just horribly naive to think that I’ll want to settle down with my first ever girlfriend?
A:
I personally think your date was being a little ridiculous. For starters, I know lots of people who ended up in long term relationships or even married to their first girlfriends ever. And we’re talking a range of identities here: people of different ages, sexualities, genders, and relationship histories.
Your date’s biases read as a muddied mixture of heteronormativity, internalized homophobia, and biphobia??? A hodgepodge of biases, if you will! That’s just my interpretation though, and it’s possible those aren’t the places she’s operating from, but my gut reaction is truly that this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her.
And for that reason alone, even though it sucks that a good date went bad, I say good riddance to her. If she holds these opinions about dating, it just isn’t a good fit for where you are in life. The truth is there are people who sometimes have these hardlined feelings about people’s queer dating histories. We get a lot of advice letters from people anxious about diving into dating when they have minimal or no queer dating experience, and I’m always encouraging. It doesn’t matter! Or it shouldn’t.
And if it does matter to someone, like your date, you don’t have to date them! There are plenty of people out there who won’t give a shit about the prospect of being your first girlfriend. Move on from this date gone wrong so you can find them.
Honestly you’re doing all the right screening by disclosing what you’re looking for in your app profile. I’m of the belief that you don’t need to really disclose that you’ve never had a girlfriend before until it comes up! Be honest of course. But I don’t think this is something you HAVE to go out of your way to disclose on a first date. It’s definitely not shameful. But you can wait until someone gets to know you before you delve into your relationship history.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
I’m dating someone who has never had a girlfriend before and I really couldn’t give a rat’s ass. Sorry your date was weird about it!
That really sucks. I settled down with my first girlfriend when I was a wee baby Gay in 1999. We just celebrated our 26th year together.
OP dodged a bullet, this person wasn’t thinking about her as an adult who’s had a lifetime of adult experiences and knows her own mind, this person was thinking of her as if she became human a week ago.
OP, your first relationship with a woman might not lead to marriage, but if that happens, it won’t be because it was your first, it’ll be because relationships often just don’t work out and sometimes it takes a few tries. You’re not doomed, you just don’t know how your luck is going to be. Any relationship, regardless of experience level, has a good chance of not working out. Lots of people think they’re compatible before they know each other very well and then they get to know each other better and realize they’re not, or things get weird, or change, or whatever. You’re not naive for thinking that sometimes good things happen.
If you’re looking for advice, I think it might make you happier if you look for other lesbians leaving marriages to men (especially with young kids) and reach out to get to know them, whether or not it goes anywhere beyond friendship. Your situation is actually really common, and I think it’ll be grounding for you to have people around who understand and who you can complain to about bad dates!
I see an old version of myself in OP’s date unfortunately. I was in two relationships in a row where I was their first girlfriend. The first woman left me for another woman and the second (who was also newly out) left because she wanted to have more lesbian experiences before settling down.
For years I swore off dating someone who had not had a previous girlfriend, but I now know that those experiences had more to do with them than me and it’s unfair to assume other people would leave for the same reasons. Now I’m more focused on finding someone who knows herself and is ready to settle down regardless of relationship experience.
Dear Kayla, This is a great article! However, I’m primarily commenting bc of something v disturbing I’ve noticed. Two v lesbophobic comments by user idontknow have been allowed to stay on the Low-Key I Chose To Be A Lesbian article. I know comments are now closed, but please can they be deleted? Autostraddle has always been a safe space, please don’t allow homophobic comments to stay.
It has become very clear the AS no longer cares about lesbophobia and is actively fostering a hostile environment towards lesbians.
I suspect that this date would never have settled down with her own first girlfriend and just can’t imagine anyone else would ever behave differently.
I’m my wife’s first gf and yeah, we’ve been married for years now, I have no regrets being her first girlfriend. Wishing the OP all the luck finding love!
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