Is It Biphobic To swear Off Dating Bisexuals?

hi, lesbian, 34, and i have been BURNED three separate times by bi women who told me i was the first woman they’d ever seriously dated. all three times it started beautifully. the first time it ended after i met her homophobic family. the second time, it ended because she refused to cut off her very close friendship to her ex-boyfriend. she is engaged to a man now. the third time, it ended because she “wasn’t sure what she wanted” and three months later she was soft launching with a guy. there’s just something about this that stings more when they end up with a guy, like maybe they were never even into women in the first place and i had been wasting my time the whole time.

is it so wrong to just prefer women who… don’t want to date men? not being interested in men is a core interest of mine. i think i want to have lesbianism in common with my partner. i want to protect my heart. my bi best friend told me that this policy is “literally the reason bi women don’t feel safe in lesbian spaces.” how??? she’s safe! i am not going to HARM her!

can’t i just be a grown woman with a keen eye for pattern recognition who doesn’t wanna be someone’s experiment?

Valerie: It sounds a little like you do have some biphobia to work out here, and that’s okay. I noticed you started this by saying you don’t want to be bi women’s first experience with a woman, which sounds like a fair enough shake, but then you went on to say you prefer women who don’t want to date men and that you want to have lesbianism in common with your partner. It seems to me you connected two dots that weren’t in the same puzzle. Not wanting to be a bi woman’s (or any woman’s) first experience with women in your 30s is understandable, especially if you’ve had bad experiences with it. (Even though bi women are not a monolith and you just happen to have had really bad luck.) Still, not wanting to have to teach someone the ropes or have to deal with homophobic parents is understandable. But there are plenty of bi women who either have dated women AND men, or bi women who have a preference for dating women, who would have fit your first parameters without jumping fully to “I only want to date lesbians.” Ask yourself, if you had dated a bi woman who had multiple female partners before you and then happened to date a man after you, would you still feel like they “were never into women in the first place”? If so, that, my friend, is biphobia. And it’s just a bias you have to unlearn. We all have them! I don’t think you need to write off bi people entirely to get the experience you’re looking for. And your bi friend? You did harm her, by telling her, a bi person, that you don’t want to date bi people because you don’t think they’re really queer. (Even if you didn’t use those words, that’s the vibe you’re giving off with this opinion.) Feeling safe in a space doesn’t always mean physical safety. It can mean feeling accepted and welcome. You’re buying into a long-held and incorrect stereotype that bisexuality is a pit stop on the way to or a brief vacation from either heterosexuality or homosexuality, when in reality it’s its own real and valid identity. If you do want to only date lesbians going forward (and frankly you probably should until you work this bias out of your system), this is the kind of preference you can keep to yourself to reduce the spread of harmful ideas; don’t put “lesbians only” in your dating profile, but you can look for other people who also identify as a lesbian and that’s perfectly fine.

Summer: Soooo… not wanting to date bisexuals due to mistrusting our intentions or desires is a form of biphobia. It’s quite a popular form too. It usually manifests as a fear that bisexual people will invariably end up with the gender we ‘truly’ want (denial of complex bisexuality), or attributing bad events to bisexuality that could be attributed to normal circumstances. The first relationship you described sounds like the latter because I just don’t see why a homophobic family damaging the relationship is your partner’s fault at all. And even though your second and third partners eventually pursued men… that’s kind of what bisexuality is? Like, it leaves open the possibility that a person will pursue the genders they’re attracted to once they’re not in a relationship with you. I mean, would you hold it against lesbians if you broke up and they started dating women because they’re into women? You mentioned that it hurts you more when they end up with a man, and I think you need to investigate your feelings about men to see what you feel that way.

I don’t think there’s anything specifically wrong with aligning your dating interests toward lesbians. Especially if having that commonality is important to you. But there’s a difference between aligning and excluding. Booting bisexual women from your dating pool without consideration of their individuality (both good and bad) is prejudicial. It’s unfairly prejudicial too, since you have chosen to not give them any chance to prove you right or wrong before making a decision. Ultimately, you have the right to evaluate and decide on partners. But I do believe that pre-emptively evaluating all bisexual women as ‘secret heterosexuals’ or ‘future heartbreaks’ is biphobic and prejudicial. And yeah, the feeling that we are being perceived as people find it ‘difficult’ or impossible to form relationships because we can’t help but go chase our ‘true favorites’ is biphobic. Your bestie’s point is going in the right direction and I think you should listen/read further into that opinion and weigh it up against your experiences.

For different reasons like trauma and long term depression, I (she/her) find myself 35 and inexperienced with dating, sex, basic socializing. I’m a fat, bi, maybe-nb, on the ace spectrum, which doesn’t help.

A couple months ago, I met a cute, funny girl (she/they) at an arts & crafts night. I was soo nervous that I barely looked at her all night and kinda ran to my car when we left. (I wish I had walked them to their car!) We texted a little, and I asked if she wanted to get coffee. She said YES, in all caps, but then was busy and we didn’t set a date. Then she said she was busy the next few weeks, which sounds like a blow off, but she gave really specific things she was doing, which made me think they’re legit busy. But now it’s been weeks with nothing. I don’t know if I should reach out and just say, “I’m really bad at signals, I’d still like to get coffee, it’s fine if you’re not interested but can you let me know?” Or similar.

I know I sound ridiculous. But I never meet anyone I’m interested in. What if they do want to go out but wanted me to reach out, and now they think I changed my mind? I wish I had the Basic Human Interaction gene.

Summer: Awww, this is so sweet. Well, the social part of dating is a back-and-forth dance and it’s quite complicated in every way. The kind of signals and intentions you have to read get easier with practice and it’s something you can get better at via experience. In your current situation, I do think your idea to reach out and ask again would be ideal. Your wording is actually very close to mine. If you’re not above a bit of flattery, you can also throw in a ‘I think you’re really cool/lovely/fun’ alongside your request. Then take her response as canon and carry on from there.

What you’re going through isn’t ridiculous and people who are versed in dating will have hiccups. It’ll get easier. Even if someone turns you down, it often reflects more on their needs and circumstances than your company. So don’t give up.

Valerie: I agree that reaching out again is a good idea! Saying you know she’s been busy but if their schedule has opened up at all you’d love to still get coffee. And the honest communication about wanting a little extra clarification because you’re not the best at social signals can’t hurt – I’m a firm believer than being open is almost always the best route in situations like these when you’re a little confused about intention. Especially in our 30s; we’re too grown to be playing games when it comes to these things! It’s very possible she just IS booked and busy and life got in the way and she thought maybe her schedule being so full turned you off from trying again, so I think it’s worth reaching out one more time. If she says she’s not interesting, or if she DOES say she wants to but it fizzles out again, it might be a sign to move on, but there will be more cute/funny girls to flirt with in your future!