Voice memos, FaceTime, short videos, live photos, nudes, role-playing, classic texting — sexting can look like a lot of different things. I’m always interested in hearing about people’s relationships, philosophies about, and strategies for sexting, which are all as varied as how people think and feel about sex itself. Do you sext before or after you’ve hooked up with someone new? Does your top/bottom/switch dynamic look the same over sexting as it does during sex? Do you get visual? Aural? We consider these questions and more below!
8 Queer Sexting Experts on How We Digitally Do It
Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya Managing Editor
I LOVE sexting. I usually incorporate a lot of photos of myself when sexting, and those photos themselves usually follow a narrative arc in the sense of starting with some light teasing — maybe some cleavage, a nip slip, a hand down my pants — and then becoming progressively more unclothed. I don’t expect photos back and never minded sending someone a lot of nudes who did not send many or any of themselves in return. I often got off on their reaction to my photos and didn’t need direct reciprocation.
As far as the written part of sexting goes, as a writer, of course I love that part, too. I’d usually tell someone what I wanted them to do to me or ask them what they wanted to do to me. I liked sexting companions who were descriptive but not overly verbose.
I didn’t know this was an interesting fact until a friend was surprised by it, but in ALMOST all cases, I always sexted with someone before I ever had sex with them. This includes my now-wife. I’ve also never sexted with someone who I didn’t eventually have sex with; sexting was always laying the groundwork, so to speak. I always found sexting to be a really useful way to explore someone new’s desires, interests, and preferred dynamics in the bedroom. It always felt like a more comfortable way to even test out things I personally might be interested in but hadn’t tried before. As such, my sexting style matches my actual sexual self in terms of dynamics and preferences. In other words: I’m a bottom with submissive tendencies over sexting, just as I am in the flesh. I’ve encountered sexual partners in the past where this wasn’t perfectly true. They maybe performed a stronger top role over sexting that didn’t quite align with our in-person experiences. I don’t think it was intentional deception! I think for some people, the performance of sexting feels easier and different than sex. For me though, there really isn’t much difference between who I am in the fantasy space of sexting and who I am during sex. Often, sexting will lead to masturbating, especially if my partner tells me to touch myself — I’ll actually do it for real and not just pretend to in the fantasy space. So sexting really does feel close to sex for me in the sense that it even leads to orgasms.
My wife and I were long distance for the first part of our relationship, so obviously there was a lot of sexting. We also would sometimes have FaceTime “happy hours” that would eventually lead to FaceTime sex. Our dynamic in those was exactly the same as it is in person.
I think one of the only downsides of long-term cohabitation is there are fewer opportunities for sexting, BUT any time my wife and I are apart for a few nights due to work trips or something like that, I make a point to initiate sexting. I still love it! Even if it’s no longer necessary as a tool to explore each other’s desires. It’s almost like a tool for re(connection) now. And an excuse to take sexy photos of myself. I’m currently away from her for a month soooooo. Fortunately, it’s just like riding a bike.
Summer Tao Team Writer
Sexting is one of my favorite activities. I get the titillation and good feelings of being into someone without feeling the awkwardness of interpersonal communication. There are truly no losers.
My sexting style entails a lot of nudes and talking about sex and sexual interests. I’m interested in sexting as a means to learn what a person needs and dislikes. There’ll be a healthy sprinkling of nude photos and short videos in between messages. Unsurprisingly, my personality demands that I even sext with purpose.
In the past, I did more of the roleplay-and-storytelling style sexting, but that’s fallen away because I just don’t get much personal satisfaction out of it. Sexual roleplay doesn’t work well for me because I struggle to get into a character or see someone as anything other than themselves. That’s why I prefer heavy flirtation, exchanging piles of nudes, and sexual Q&A with a person. If I ever meet them in-person, that kind of sexting is a great form of foreplay too.
My particular sexting style obviously doesn’t work for everyone. I’m an online sex worker, so producing mountains of digital nudity is literally part of the job. I also enjoy text and asynchronous communication because it’s easy on my mind. Those concepts pair together to form my favorite kind of sexting. This absolutely won’t work for people who thrive entirely on fantasy, roleplay, or have other needs. But I have respect for anyone who tries.
Drew Burnett Gregory Senior Editor
I talked about this on Wait, Is This a Date?, but I’m not really a sexter before I’ve hooked up with someone. A little flirty, a little sexy, okay, but not full-on sexting. I want to establish the dynamic IRL before getting into detailed descriptions of what I want to do to a person or what I want them to do to me. And even with pictures and images, I tend not to do much before we’ve actually hooked up.
Once I am sexting with someone, I like it all. But as I’ve fully stepped into my switchy self in recent years, I’ve realized I enjoy text sexting more from the position of topping and picture/video sexting more from the position of bottoming. I think because I’m usually the better writer of the two of us, it’s hard to be more bottom-y via text? Maybe the secret is to hook up with someone else who is a professional writer.
Stef Rubino Team Writer
I’m a very flirty person in general, so as a result, I was an early adopter of sexting, and I really enjoyed doing it for a long time. As I’ve gotten older, my relationship to it has changed a lot. Especially in the last few years, I’m feeling generally bogged down by the technological influence over me, everyone I know, and the rest of our society, so sexting has kind of become lumped in with that weariness. Before that though, my sexting style was as an initiator, usually in the form of questions or thoughts that were popping into my head about the person I was speaking to/with. As with flirting, I think sexting is often a safe space where people can share their wants, needs, desires, fantasies, etc., so that’s usually how I used it: to get to know my partners even further and to see what how we can make our time together even more pleasurable.
These days, I’d rather go to dinner or grab drinks with my partner and talk playfully to each other in person rather than sext. It just feels more real, even though I know both are very real in their own right. When we’re away from each other for a night or more, sexting usually does come back into play, and it feels like an opportunity to discuss new sexual desires that have grown between us and haven’t been vocalized yet.
Sa'iyda Shabazz Writer
I love sexting! I think it’s a lot of fun and can be very hot. As a person who loves words, I love to write out detailed descriptions about what I’m doing or how I’m feeling. There’s something about knowing exactly what the other person is thinking in these moments that adds an extra layer of hotness. It also helps me to stay present and not think too far ahead. This way my responses are reactionary and not steering the conversation in another direction. I have also been known to use a well placed GIF, but only sparingly to keep things light!
I do occasionally incorporate pictures, especially as a jumping off point to sexting! They’re usually mostly clothed, but with a little hint or peek of something. Sometimes I send my wife something a little naughty so she has a surprise when she’s on her lunch break or before she gets to work. We don’t sext as often as we used to, but I think sexting keeps our relationship fresh, especially because we’ve been together for so long.
ashni mehta Team Writer
I used to LOVE sexting. Before I moved in with my significant other, sexting was a huge part of my life! I used to sext all the time. Now, less so. My approach to sexting is unlike my approach to IRL dating, which is to say, I actually make the first move when I sext. Sexting affords me the chance to top on my terms! I get to pick where and when we go, and to take my time thinking about next moves… I’m much more comfortable topping over text than I am IRL. Sexting is like the most patient sex. One of my early girlfriends accused me of topping from the bottom when we sexted, and you know what? She was right. She was also a fellow writer, and that sexting was some of the best sexting I’ve ever had. This was also like, 15 years ago, so we really had to put in work to sext (see: flip phones). Now, my sexting is almost exclusively pictures, and honestly, they’re barely risque. I’m feeling inspired, though — I want to bring sexting back into my life.
Nico Hall Team Writer
Sexting is a ton of fun! I don’t usually sext before I hook up, so if there’re two camps going on about that, I fall into the post-hookup-sexting one. I love a nude, a video, and especially, I love sexting about the hookup. I love rehashing the encounter or having someone tell me about the moments that are lingering on their brain. It’s also a great opportunity to talk about what we want to explore with each other next. I keep it firmly in the realm of the real and don’t super enjoy roleplay. It doesn’t do it for me, and I’m not sexting as a means of having phone sex or anything so much as for the flirting. It’s all about giving and getting compliments, too, and I always like to take the opportunity to affirm the person I’m sexting/flirting/rehashing with that I enjoyed our time together.
Reed Motti Community Manager
I’m a BIG fan of sexting. I grew up in the days of showing my boobs on Oovoo and seeing random penises on Omegle, so digital nudity and horniness feels very natural to me. Before I transitioned, when I was still in college as a sorority girl, I loved sending my boyfriend nudes. I would turn myself on with the different poses and angles I’d come up with and knowing what the photos would do to him. I miss how many more options there were for nudes when I was a girl, but maybe I’m just being lazy or uncreative.
Aside from nudes, I, of course, love the written part of sexting. I love inventing an environment and crafting a scenario that maybe I’d only have the guts to do through my phone. I love seeing the little texting bubble pop up when my sexting partner was putting effort into their response. But even more than that, I love love love voice memo sexting. At the peak of my sexting behavior, which was obviously 2020 to 2023, my girl and I would send voice memos back and forth: moaning, breathing, coaching, begging, cumming. Knowing that there was a girl across the country rushing to click record on voice text when she was about to finish just so I could hear it… I mean man, that will get you through a global pandemic.
I had a lot of FaceTime sex during lockdown, but I think that was my least favorite form of sexting. I think full audio and full video leaves less to the imagination or at least doesn’t allow for a little bit of time and effort in between exchanges. It’s also hard to prop your phone up at the correct angles! Still, it was fun.
When it comes down to sexting pre or post-hook up, I don’t have a strong opinion. I’ve sexted with people I’ve never met in person before, with people I was in long distance relationships with, and with people before or after a hookup. Come to think of it, most sexting I’ve done is with people who I knew I’d never really hook up with in person because they lived in Canada or were only horny for me at that moment, and I’m not above being used, even digitally.
Did You Like This?
Independent queer media needs your support to survive. Become a member now so we can make more gay stuff like this.
Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya
Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya has written 1139 articles for us.
quizzes
Quiz: Which Sapphic Character in an Apocalypse Show Are You?
Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya
Jan 18, 2026
book lists
Queer Books To Read if You’re Really Missing ‘Pluribus’
Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya
Jan 15, 2026
the team
the team has written 822 articles for us.
Comments
i used to find sexting sort of embarrassing, but my current girlfriend really showed me how fun it can be. it’s a great way to dip your toes into something new, we do it a lot while i travel for work, which i do a lot. great tips all around!
I like it ,ti’s so important to me
https://poorbunny.cc/
Lol drew gonna break up with her gf to date a writer bruh
Ok question though, logistically and app-wise, WHERE are y’all sexting? On regular old texts? Whatsapp? Via instagram? Snapchat? Where are we sending these nudes into cyberspace? Do you delete them afterwards? Am I being overly paranoid?