Y’All Need Help #26: Spring Cleaning Part 5

Hello, it’s you! This weekend’s episode was conceived in a car driving through the California desert on I-10, and then midwifed at a desk in suburban Phoenix while “Africa” played on repeat for the better part of a couple of hours, and THEN finalized at that same desk several hours later while I ate an enormous taco that I made my damn self. And no, it wasn’t a burrito, just an enormous taco. You have to trust me on this.

Y’All Need Help will be taking a little summer break while I rest my advising muscles, but I’ll be back on August 11 so full of feelings you won’t even know what hit you.

Here I also made this:

Q: Do I have to come out?

Okay here’s my question, I am in my thirties and I’m a lesbian. For pretty much my entire life my father and I have had a rocky relationship. He’s never been a father to me. My parents divorced when I was five. When I was younger he’d make remarks like ‘Gay people are disgusting!’ and say things I don’t want to repeat. I’ve never told him anything about my personal life ever. As far as I know he thinks I’m straight. I don’t really have a relationship with him but I am his only child, do I still need to come out to him?

A:

You sure as hell do not! ? Cheers! Happy Pride! ?


Q: Bad haircut.

I recently got a short haircut and I really hate it. It wasn’t impulsive-I thought about it for weeks, researched photos, and asked friends’ opinions. I really wanted that Big Gay Haircut, but now that it’s all done, I just don’t like it at all. I love babes with short hair, but I just don’t love it on myself and it doesn’t feel like me at all. Obviously hair grows and it won’t look like this forever, but how do I stop feeling so insecure? I cut off over 15 inches of hair so I’ve got a lot of time before it looks like it did, and I’m miserable everytime I look in the mirror. Any tips?

A:

Oh oh oh! What if you colored it? The cut I have right now is like, fine whatever, but it in combination with the different color not only makes it Very Gay Indeed but it also levels up the haircut to a style, you know? I wouldn’t like the cut by itself, though. So ok that is my advice: a color situation.

Readers! Your turn!


Q: Anxious at work.

Hi! I have a super amazing job that I’ve wanted for a long time, only now that I’ve been here for over 6 months I’m finding myself struggling. I don’t get along that well with my boss, and I feel that she doesn’t take my concerns that seriously (for example, she made a joke about being a looming shadow of shame when I confessed that some of her feedback makes me feel anxious and ashamed). I changed my life for this job, moved countries, extended the distance on an already LDR, and currently live onsite at my workplace so feel that work-life balance is especially difficult. Adding to difficulties of work-life balance are the isolation of the workplace, 1.5 hours drive from the nearest city, and small core team I both work and live with. I worry that my life is becoming about work and that I’m not really enjoying the work that much. I feel guilty because I should be feeling lucky to have this job. I signed a two year contract and I’m less than a year into it… Should I cut my losses and quit? Should I keep trying? Is there something else I can do that I haven’t thought of?

A:

First of all I’d look for the HR department re: your boss not taking your concerns seriously and making light of your reaction to her feedback.

Next up, isolation is a mindfuck and this is definitely something to focus on fixing! Did your employer provide any mental prep or like, a list of things to expect while living and working in this situation and how to deal with them? Anything in the way of resources? If they do offer any support in this area, take advantage of it. Also a remote therapist — maybe from Talkspace, which we’ve talked about before and a couple of our own team members have used — could be a solid step in a better direction. Even short-term therapy can be extremely helpful.

If there are any personal projects you’ve always thought you’d like to work on one day, like learning another language or how to knit (why are they examples always learning languages or knitting? I don’t know) or learning more about literally any subject whatsoever, this might be a good time to start! Whatever free time you have away from actually working should be force-filled with strictly personal things that move a needle for you.

Keep an eye on yourself! Which you’re obviously doing but I mean, if it’s time to cut your losses and quit, you should know it in your guts. I’ve seen several people who’ve landed their dream job or dream study program only to realize that it’s not right for them at all, and that’s totally FINE. It’s great, even? Because that’s one more thing you know about yourself!

I don’t have a nice way to wrap this up but I want you to know that I’m imagining you on Antarctica, reading up on a complicated conflict in history and thinking, “Oh now that makes more sense” and feeling very proud of your growing knowledge in this field. GOOD LUCK.


Q: Should I tell my therapist about my crush?

Should I talk to my therapist about how I’ve developed feelings for her? I understand that it’s unrequited but I want to be completely open. However I’m concerned that it would damage our professional relationship and that she would be required to tell her colleagues, and I would be down on record as a needy client. I think the healthy option would be to talk through it with her (I already have several hypotheses of why I feel this intensely about her…) Or would that be foolish? Perhaps even selfish, because it’s putting a burden on her?

A:

You know, my knee-jerk response here was to scream — like, blood-curdling and everything — NOOOOOOOOO0000000OO00O00oo0o0o000ooo000000oooooo, but the more I sit here and drink this late-afternoon adult beverage, the more I’m realizing that I really can’t answer this question without more context re: you, your goals in therapy, what brought you there, etc. So buddy, I don’t really know. If you’re in therapy in part to deal with a pattern of misplaced idolatry or pathological crushes, then maybe bringing this up would be helpful because it would speak to the reason you’re there to begin with. But if you’re in therapy for all the other things in the world, maybe you need to just walk yourself through this one alone, reminding yourself that this woman is being paid to be attentive to you and that’s where her interest and care for you begins and ends.


Q: Coming out AGAIN.

HI! So here’s the deal. When I was 18 or 19 I came out as bisexual to my family and friends. It was a very easy, non stressful, impulsive move, and everyone has been quite okay with it. Even though I identified as bi, I have dated almost exclusively guys, and I’ve always kinda regretted it. I have dated abusive guys but I have also dated really caring and great guys, but either way I never felt any connection. I felt like dating was a chore, and I was always SO relieved when those relationships ended.

Now here I am am almost a decade later, thinking about all this, and I had an epiphany last week: I AM A LESBIAN. DUH.

This realization makes me the happiest human being on the planet right now: I feel refreshed, liberated, overjoyed and like all my problems have melted away. I never want to date guys again. I really wanna date girls. It’s like something just clicked that I am actually allowed to do those things!

My problem tho is I am terrified of coming out to my friends and family. I feel like this time around it is a much bigger deal than coming out as bi. I am scared they won’t believe me. I am scared they won’t want to talk about it and avoid the subject. I am scared they will say it’s because I had bad experiences with guys. I am scared they will say “but you’ve never dated girls, how can you be sure?”. I’m scared they’ll tell me I’m way to old to realize my orientation and if it were true I would’ve known before.

Obviously these fears stem from my own insecurities. So how can I tell them I’m gay without letting these insecurities get to me? I don’t want to debate with my (wonderful) family if my orientation is true or not.

A:

Wait, reread this:

“This realization makes me the happiest human being on the planet right now: I feel refreshed, liberated, overjoyed and like all my problems have melted away. […] It’s like something just clicked that I am actually allowed to do those things!”

If your family and friends don’t want to hear about a realization that makes you a) the happiest human being on the planet right now, b) refreshed, c) liberated, d) overjoyed, e) feel like all your problems have melted away and — most importantly!!! — f) allowed to do the things you want to do, then those motherfuckers cannot be saved. They can’t be convinced that it isn’t a phase and they can’t understand that your life isn’t just a reaction to the men you’ve known, and so those people can’t be your problem!

If you want to share your excitement and liberation and potential and energy with the people who mean the most to you, DO IT. Give it to them! Give them the chance to show up for you.

Also and this is just for the record but LISTEN even if even iffff your decision to date women exclusively had something to do with your previous relationships with men, IT’S STILL A VALID DECISION. What on earth makes more sense than taking past experiences into account when planning your future adventures? That’s just good critical thinking skills if you ask me.


Q: Lonely

How do you I feel less lonely? I moved to a new city almost four years ago and I still don’t feel like I’ve made any real friends. I go to queer events and have met some nice people, I love my career and I have hobbies. I go to counseling. I’m doing everything I’m supposed to but I’m still so lonely my whole body hurts. People invite me to hang out, but I’m way too shy and anxious to have fun or to really open up to anyone. I don’t know how I’ll ever find someone who wants to be in a relationship with me. My heart just hurts all the time like something is missing. Does it ever feel better? How do I feel like I’m not alone?

A:

I’m so sorry that your heart hurts and that you feel so alone. When you’re in counseling, are you working on your anxiety and self-imposed isolation? Have you tried any anti-anxiety medications? This isn’t helpful to hear I guess but I think the only way to start having a different life is to do some things differently. So instead of being too shy and anxious to have fun or open up, you have to push yourself past the thresholds that you’ve set up. Not to say it’ll be easy or even like, not semi-traumatic, but the only way you can have people who are close to you is to open yourself up to that kind of closeness, you know?

If this were an American romcom I’d tell you to go to Italy, rent a moped, and wait until you accidentally bump into a Manic Pixie Dream Queer who’ll invite you to a party they happen to be going to that night, where you’ll already be feeling so out of your element that you’ll have no choice but to dance when asked, and when you fall over because you’re not the greatest dancer and the person catches you and laughs and laughs and then you laugh and y’all get some ice for your knee and the stars are twinkling up in the night sky you’ll realize Wow, I have really put myself out there tonight. I have really let my guard down. This Manic Pixie Dream Queer has helped me see how fun it can be to just be open to the universe’s energies and now look at us, kissing in this freaking Italian moonlight etc etc etc.


Q: Overcoming fear of rejection

Hi! I’m in high school and have never been in a relationship. I’ve been crushing on one of my close friends for a while now. I know that she’s gay, so that’s not an issue, but I’ve developed really low self-esteem and can’t imagine that anyone would ever want to date me due to some past trauma. Plus, I have no idea if she’s interested in a relationship or not. We spend a lot of time together and she transposed all of the music from our school musical so I could play in the pit orchestra with her (which takes a ton of time), so I know she cares about me, but I can’t tell if it’s romantic interest or not. Both she and I are pretty oblivious when it comes to flirting, too. How do I overcome my fear of losing our friendship if I ask her out, and how do I know if she’s actually interested in me? (We learned to waltz when hanging out alone once, which seems more than platonic, but I’m a baby gay and quite confused.)
Thank you!

A:

Aaaaaaahhhhhh it’s probably going to feel awkward and difficult and maybe impossible (it’s not though!!!) but the only way to find out if she’s interested in a relationship or interested in you or interested in bees or pancakes or the global inflation rate is to just ask her! It’s the only way you can ever know anything about anyone, and it’s just the admitting-that-you-care part that makes it excruciating, but you already know this. So that’s the deal: you just ask her. It’s a bold thing to publicly wonder and care about other people, and you can be bold! You have permission to just boldly be like HEY I HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT YOU AND YOUR INTENTIONS ON THIS EARTH.

Friendships aren’t lost because someone asks a question like this, they’re lost because of the other person’s own fears, and those things are beyond your control anyway.

Be bold! Like some kind of living breathing embodiment of calligraphic wall art someone bought at Bed Bath & Beyond. I believe in you.


Q: Straight girl strikes again

I am at the end of my junior year and somewhat madly in love with a girl in my grade … again. I liked her for a few months at the start of the year, then was distracted by another girl who I now know to be annoying beyond compare. I’m starting to fall even harder for this girl again, likely because we had to complete an involved and dare I say intimate project together for our English class, which created the kind of emotional connection I usually end up being ensnared by. In a classic turn of events, she is, to the best of my knowledge, straight until proven otherwise.

All that said, my very queer friend group is divided on the question of her sexuality, and even one of her closest friends who I enlisted to answer this burning question came up with no definitive answer. General consensus seems to be that she is emotionally repressed to the point where, if she is into girls, she wouldn’t know it yet. She always speaks about theoretical romance using gender-neutral pronouns, has called girls attractive, and is physically affectionate – similar behaviour to the girls described in Q6 of YNH #24. She’s almost like a femme Abby Wambach (except I’m definitely NOT Glennon Doyle) – very athletic, intense commitment to cross country, goes running for fun, archery, etc.

Should I ask her if she’s straight directly or go through an intermediary? If this turns out positively, I’m also not sure how I feel about being someone’s closet girlfriend/lesbian experiment.

A:

Ask her!!!!

Just ask her. Don’t go through an intermediary. If you want something done and done right, you do it yourself. “Are you straight?” It’s three words. The ball’s in her court after that. COOL. You’ve done your part. You asked the question and held the door open and what happens next is just on her.

You’re also a living breathing inspirational wall art, ok? We’re all GOOD VIBES ONLY and NO SHOES NO PROBLEM and DANCE LIKE NO ONE’S WATCHING! Be bold!


Y’All Need Help is a biweekly advice column in which I pluck out a couple of questions from the You Need Help inbox and answer them right here, round-up style, quick and dirty! (Except sometimes it’s not quick, but that’s my prerogative, OK?) You can chime in with your own advice in the comments and submit your own quick and dirty questions any time.

Laneia is the Executive Editor and founding member of Autostraddle, and you're the reason she's here. She's 37, has two kids, two dogs, one cat, one Megan, and some personal essays.

Laneia has written 879 articles for us.

26 Comments

  1. Person crushing on your therapist! I feel like this is totally normal. I am kind of obsessed with my therapist too, though not in a crush-y kind of way. My therapist often describes the therapeutic relationship as a sort of laboratory for figuring out how to talk about things, including interpersonal relationships. There was a time when I felt like I was “failing at therapy” because I didn’t “understand all the rules & boundaries,” and when I brought that up with her, the conversation turned out to be really rich and helpful! So perhaps it’s worthwhile bringing up with your therapist – especially if you have “several hypotheses about why [you] feel this intensely about her.” Talking through these hypotheses might be a way of learning something or going deeper into some stuff about your own journey!

    • I also think crushing on your therapist is pretty usual. I’d vote for telling her, it can really be a way to discuss important things and can even open something new in the process.

    • I’m gonna have to be on team DON’T TELL HER. I’m not a therapist but I do crisis counseling in a social work context and our code of ethics would require me to terminate treatment with someone who wanted to be in a relationship with me. I can’t quite tell how serious the letter writer’s crush is or quite what the intent is, but at best I think it would make her uncomfortable and at worst it would leave you looking for a new therapist.

    • I have lots of friends who are in grad school to be therapists. I didn’t ask them about your question, but here’s what I have learned from them. First of all therapists follow a code of ethics published by the ACA. You can look it up and see how your therapist is supposed to handle a client with a crush. Second, I have heard all kinds of stories of counselors hopping across those ethical lines, usually in seemingly minor ways. They often get away with it because their clients don’t know the code of ethics. And honestly I think sometimes the therapist forgets that line is there as they are focusing on a treatment plan. Therapists are human, they do make mistakes. They also have a lot of practice at preventing their personal feelings from influencing the counseling relationship. I think it would be important to consider why you want to tell your therapist about your crush. If telling them is part of your fantasy of them reciprocating your feelings and the two of you riding off into the sunset together, I think you need a dose of reality. If on the other hand, you want her help as a therapist in working through those feelings, with the end goal being no more crush, then go right ahead. If your crush is diminishing your progress in therapy, then a new therapist might be a good answer anyway.

  2. Short Hair, Laneia is on fire. Definitely color that haircut and see how you like it. You gotta do something while you wait for it to grow out, and it’s too hot in the northern hemisphere to get a cute new hat on Etsy, so just put some little streaks in it somewhere and see how you feel. And then maybe a few more, and before you know it, you too can have The Cutest Queerest Weirdo Hair. (I just got my purple anime pompadour refreshed with *shaved patterns* and you might not be ready to be quite that weird, but damn I feel hot, and you should feel hot about your hair too.) Just keep trying!

  3. Short hair you care, and that’s okay! I liked my short haircut when I first tried it out, but it was also kind of shocking/a big adjustment. You might start to like it more as the initial WHOA factor calms down?

    Otherwise: agree with the coloring comments, plus there are lots of different ways to change up short hair in its different phases. Work with a stylist and figure out what you like or don’t like about it specifically, and go back for regular adjustments to make the growing out process less mullet-y.

    In the meantime!! Having short hair for the first time is an opportunity to change up your aesthetic: I loved wearing looots of makeup and playing with that aspect of my style, and I look back on those days with envy for how well I could rock long dangly earrings (now my long hair totally hides them)! It was also fun to lean into butch/masc styles and play in that space as well – those ken doll lesbian posts might be great inspo for that. Good luck! 🙂

  4. Lonely person, I feel you. I’ve been in my “new” city almost 5 years, and although I met some people through work and things were good for a little while, we all gradually drifted apart and now I feel like I’m back at square one. I’m gonna try taking Laneia’s advice… hopefully things get better for both of us!

  5. Not gonna lie I was really hoping that the playlist featuring only Africa performed by Toto and Weezer would feature one Its Not Unusual, followed by many more Africas. That playlist still bops tho nice job 10/10

  6. Lonely, this will seem like an odd question perhaps but do you spend much time outside?

    I don’t know what kind of environment you’re in, but even in urban spaces there are ways to connect with nature, and for me, during times when I’ve felt lonely and disconnected, nature has had a way of helping me see my connectedness to other people as well as to the wider living world.

    Try this (it can’t hurt): find a spot close to your home – less than a 5 minute walk – and sit quietly for 20 minutes. That’s when the animals who have been disturbed by your arrival start to go back to whatever they were doing. Ask yourself the following questions:

    1. What am I noticing?
    2. Where do I see this happening in other areas of my life?

    It also helps to go with an intention. For me, sometimes it was to go and pay particular attention to what I heard that day (vs. what I saw), or to give gratitude to a particular tree that I’d gotten to know, or to allow my sit spot to show me what I needed for a particular problem.

    You might find, as I did, that you are surprised by how much you can learn about yourself, and in turn, how much you can make tiny changes to the way you approach things that will help you achieve the things you would like to.

  7. Short haircut person! I feel you. I got a short haircut I loved on other people (buzzcut) and it def did not suit my face at all, ahahahah.

    Maybe you could hone in on what specifically you don’t like about your new look, to come up with strategies?

    like, maybe your longer hair framed your face in a flattering way, and now your face seems too wide / narrow / bare / not-preferred-gender-expression. You could try to frame your face with a cute bandana / headband instead.

    Also, some subtle makeup can help people all across the gender spectrum to get the cheekbones / jawline / forehead / nose proportions they like best.

    Personally i love hats, so if you also love hats, dive in!

    For me, short hair also made my head look too small for my body, lol. Certain clothes / cuts / patterns / colors can really help balance out overall body proportions. Esp try different necklines that maybe you haven’t tried in a while, like boat-neck or cowl neck (depending on how broad-shouldered you are) and / or maybe a light-weight drapey scarf.

    Even if those clothes experiments don’t accomplish what you like, you could get a rad cute outfit together that helps you feel great and sylish!
    Personally I think it takes a bold and strong person to cut off all that hair, so I think that person is stylish and interesting and cool. I bet you have great personal style.

    Finally, even though it sucks, it did help me to remember that even though I *hated* my haircut, a few people thought it looked amazing so at least they enjoyed it, lol. It helped to know that not everybody felt the same way about it that I did, even though I def never got that cut again and was so glad when it finally grew out!

    Sending solidarity for your short haircut journey!

  8. Dear anxious at work,
    You opened up with this being your dream job and the way you phrased it, shows that the situation with your boss isn’t insurmountable.
    The issue rather,seems to be, that you’re very self aware and very aware of the fact, that your close and unavoidable quarters with your coworkers at the place where you work won’t let your mind ever come to peace with the situations that arise at the workplace.It’s like you’re trapped inside your mind, which is physically trapped in the middle of nowhere.
    With me, I always feel like I’m separate people, a work self and a non-work self.The problem sometimes is, that I work crazy hours and am not able to get out of the work self headspace for weeks on end. My mind keeps turning things over and over, I’m tense and impatient and I just can’t let go.
    Lately, I have been working a different system with fourteen+ hour shifts a 1,5 hour commute away and more days off (at least theoretically) in return. My co workers have the same schedule and we actually discuss what keeps us from going crazy.
    For me, it’s usually a toss up between how tired I am and how much I need to prioritize sleep or mental health. Is it mental health, I sacrifice sleep to commute home or go for a walk around the lakeside town we work at or have a meal outside the hospital, etc.
    Distance, even if it is just a little bit or just for a few minutes a day, actually helps.
    Another thing that helps,is doing something entirely different.
    I started running and especially listening to loud music while running, downloaded audio books and started going for walks, reignited my cooking hobby, and started learning arabic.
    Reading fanfiction and watching Netflix did not work as well. I really needed to do something physical and engage my mind in a completely different direction.
    So my advice would be to take up hilikng or horseback riding or macrame and to actually drive to the nearest gay bar or local poker club, or really whatever, a couple of times a week, even if it means sacrificing some comfort.
    Personally, I’d always also recommend a gym, because it’s a place to go to where you get to spend some quality time with yourself.
    If that’s not your speed, ask yourself what you’ve always wanted to do as a five year old, or eight year old or even fourteen year old, and maybe try that!
    Your mind and the place isn’t the enemy, it just needs something new to latch on to and to discover.
    Good luck!

  9. laneia i just wanted to say that you give some of the absolute funniest, most compassionate, and best advice on the internet!! i read a LOT of advice columns and obvs i love autostraddle and queer columns best but your tone and care and kindness and humor really make these columns shine. thank you for all of your advice!!!!! i will miss your column until august but i’m excited you’re taking a rest!!! in the meantime i have to choose a first post-college job/move and i will try and apply some of your knowledge and thoughtfulness to my anxiety.

  10. nightmare dream job person, i have been struggling with this very thing for three years now. my best advice is to create solid boundaries for the time you have away from work. i know you want to answer every email and every phone call but DON’T DO IT.

    i am telling you this as though i have taken my own advice, which i have not, but i believe that if i had done so i would be a much more well adjusted person.

  11. I think the Baby Gay hasn’t seen Carmilla the webseries because if she had, she’d know that learning to waltz is not at all platonic.

    Laura Hollis: Sooo… you can’t remember what kids did back for kicks in 1698?

    Carmilla Karnstein: Ah, it wasn’t much different. We drank a lot and danced like fools. Waltzing was fun. It had a… resound scandal back then.

    Laura Hollis: [Incredulously] How is *waltzing* scandalous?

    Carmilla Karnstein: Well…

    [holds out hand as an invitation for her and Laura to waltz]

    Carmilla Karnstein: Partners were face to face.

    [Pulls Laura closer to her]

    Carmilla Karnstein: Chest to chest. All of that uhm…

    [twirls Laura]

    Carmilla Karnstein: whirling.

    [They finish waltzing and intertwine their fingers]

    Carmilla Karnstein: Back in 1698 it may as well have been sex.

  12. I’m a therapist and a long-time consumer of therapy. Crushes happen all the time! It’s so normal. You’re not required to tell you therapist, obv., but it can be helpful. Your therapist can offer reassurance, help you sort through these feelings, etc. They may choose to discuss it with a supervisor to help them process those feelings and provide best care for you, but that type of info would not be required reporting. If your therapist has a negative reaction, that says much more about them than about you.

    Also, having a crush would, imo, would not fall under the heading of “needy client.” I think a client that was able to be honest about feelings while understanding the boundaries of the therapeutic relationship demonstrates bravery and emotional intelligence.

  13. Hey shot hair person, I’ve been there! The first time I got a short haircut it was really short, almost a buzz cut, and I was sooooo self-conscious.

    I actually did try color as a distraction and it helped a lot. As in “Wow, I sure screwed up this dye job, so anyone who looks at me will notice that and not my crazy-short hair!” I suggest getting help if you’re not already experienced with dyeing hair. ?

    Like someone else said, you may find it less terrible as it grows out. Short haircuts on anyone are often wayyy too short at the beginning. As they lengthen and soften, it gets nicer, especially if you’re used to having long hair.

  14. Greetings person with bad haircut! I feel your pain. I have experimented with my hair extensively for many years, and I have had many bad haircuts. Also many fabulous ones. Yes to changing the color and styling, and also, just because this short haircut looks bad on you, doesn’t mean any short haircut looks bad on you. For example, I don’t feel like myself with a pixie cut, but feel super striking and hot with all of my hair a half inch long. I feel severe and like something’s missing with a shaved head, but somehow feel exactly like myself with a shaved head + bangs. The good thing is, short hair changes really quickly. Unlike your previous 15+ inches of hair, where you could cut off an inch and have the same haircut as before, with short hair even a week’s growth allows you to reshape. Maybe grow fringe, or push your fringe to the side, or have blunt cut asymmetrical fringe. If you want to go more femme, maybe grow out those little pieces of hair in front of the ears. Maybe shave the sides, or get a fade, or some designs. If your hair is curly, you could twist it, or frizz it out, or tease it. Maybe try a bowl cut, or steal a hair idea from a little kid. A different short cut might be fabulous! Good luck to you.

  15. Person with short hair feelings! I recommend experimenting with fabric. When I shaved my head completely bald (life long dream) it brought up a lot of femme feelings for me when it was growing out (obviously one can be femme with any kind of hair but this was personal). So I got into doing Rosie The Riveter or My Mum In The 80s style hair wraps. I also wore wigs on days I wanted longer hair. I also tried relishing being visibly queer for the first time in my life.

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