Y’All Need Help #14: Yes or No Edition!

Q:

I have never so much as romantically hugged another human and I am 24 years old. Things are made extra complicated by the fact that I’m a christian and don’t think I want to do the sex thing for a Very Long Time. Question: do I try Tinder for my first experiences of… everything? Follow up question: do I tell potential dates (either on Tinder or not) about my level of experience?

A:

No to all of this. ALSO YOU’RE DOING GREAT. ??


Q:

Hi! I need help with something. My partner and I have the chance to enjoy our first Thanksgiving together (!), but my mom is hinting that she wants me to go home instead and hang out with extended family. Should I feel guilty for wanting to be with my new family?

A:

No! And have a great damn time!


Q:

I like what I do at my current job and, although my boss recognizes what I do is valuable, my salary does not reflect that. Should I leave this job just because of the money?

A:

Yes, if you need more money and have job prospects.


Q:

My boyfriend is great, we love each other a lot, but I always want more attention, more time together, more emotional intimacy. Should I just tell him that? Let him know and see what he says?

A:

YESSSSS. TODAY.
WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS.


Q:

My mom’s in rehab (again) and asked me to write her a letter describing how I feel about everything. Should I really tell her EVERYTHING?

A:

Yes, if it’s that thing they do in rehab where they make you get letters from people explaining how your addiction fucked up their lives. The trick will be asking yourself what is truly everything and what’s just an offshoot of the most important things.


Q:

Should I tell my straight crush I like her, Y/N? (Extra info: she used to be my boss and we stayed friends, now we work at the same company but not directly together, I’m probably leaving the country mid next year.)

A:

A CHORUS OF NO.


Q:

Would you like to come visit me this Sunday?

A:

Yes but only if you are my mother.


Q:

Is a new L Word with “you know who” at the helm a good idea?

A:

Yes and to be honest, we’ve brought this on ourselves.


Q:

Is Bar Girls officially the worst lesbian movie ever?

A:

I’m waiting for Erin to answer this.


Q:

Can I get my (new) girlfriend a birthday gift even though we agreed not to get one another birthday gifts?

A:

No! You promised! (Get her a gift and save it for a random day that isn’t her birthday.)


Q:

1. Do Caity Lotz abs deserve their own spin off?
2. Will we ever see Katrina Law again on ARROW?

A:

1. Yes.
2. No.
(Answers stolen from Valerie Anne.)


Q:

4 years ago I met this girl and we became casual acquaintances. We would talk when we ran into each other, but that’s pretty much it. In the last 8 months though, we’ve been interacting online a lot (we no longer live in the same place) and casually flirting. She just asked me if she could come visit in a few months and I want to know, yes or no, is there a chance she secretly likes me as much as I like her? (Probably important to note she is also queer)

A:

YES! (Please update us as necessary.)


Q:

I’m thinking of changing my major to Joan. Should I do it?

A:

Without a doubt.


Y’All Need Help is a biweekly advice column in which I pluck out a couple of questions from the You Need Help inbox and answer them right here, round-up style, quick and dirty! (Except sometimes it’s not quick, but that’s my prerogative, OK?) You can chime in with your own advice in the comments and submit your own quick and dirty questions any time.

Laneia is the Executive Editor and founding member of Autostraddle, and you're the reason she's here. She's 37, has two kids, two dogs, one cat, one Megan, and some personal essays.

Laneia has written 906 articles for us.

21 Comments

  1. lmao the last one. I’ve never seen Fun Home but my friend was helping me pick an audition song for Rent a couple weeks ago and suggested that one. (I didn’t do it but god it’s such a cute song.)

  2. JOAN major prerequisites:
    -a ring of keys

    Minor:
    -kissing Joan

    Potential courses:
    -foreign study: Joan’s inner thighs
    -seminar: Joan’s ass in her Levi’s
    -thesis: Joan

    (thank you for this Laneia!)

  3. Should I tell my straight crush I like her, Y/N? (Extra info: she used to be my boss and we stayed friends, now we work at the same company but not directly together, I’m probably leaving the country mid next year.)

    Would you want to tell her if you knew you’d hear for certain that she didn’t like you back (i.e. telling her and hearing her say no as a way to get over her)? Has she been good about your sexuality so far? Is she generally able to stay friends with men she used to date, or who asked her out and got rejected?

    It’s probably a good idea to wait a little longer so you’re not stuck working together if it gets weird, but telling her isn’t necessarily the worst idea.

    • Main issue with this situation is the working together. From an employment law/ HR perspective if you tell a colleague you like them then you’re creating a potentially hostile environment and it is a form of sexual harassment. Especially if there’s a managerial relationship too.
      Bit extreme, but it’s worth bearing in mind as there could be a lot at stake if it doesn’t go well or the object of affection reacts badly.
      No idea what country/state this is or what kind of company, so there are lots of variables.

  4. To the first timer wanting to know if they should use Tinder… no! I’m a baby bi/gay myself and I’ve had really good luck with OkCupid and with the Her app. Highly recommend.
    Also – I’ve told the ladies/people I was seeing about my level of experience and it isn’t normally a problem. My Queer Moms (not actually my queer moms but they acted like it while I was working on coming out) suggested it (THANK GOD FOR QUEER MOMS) and I think it’s better that people know. Sometimes people are really wary of first timers. I had one person kinda freak out on me, but it actually facilitated a really amazing and honest conversation. This may be different though with no experience at all… I had slept with men previously. Just wanted to offer a different perspective.
    AND I also had two REALLY AMAZING MAGICAL EXPERIENCES in which both people knew I was inexperienced. Soooo, just FWIW. 🙂

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